" /> I pretty much hate everything: April 2006 Archives

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April 28, 2006

If you thought I was weird before this certainly isn't going to help

I am conducting a survey.

Here are the questions:

1) Do you pee in the shower?

2) Have you ever had athlete's foot, any kind of foot fungus, or a toenail infection?

This post reminded me of a theory I've had for a while.
I've never had a foot infection (knock on wood) and I pee in the shower.
I think the fact that I pee in the shower might be the REASON I don't get foot infections.
Pee has antiseptic properties.

Anyway, now that you are sufficiently grossed out, please participate in the survey by leaving a comment answering the two questions (feel free to do so anonymously) and we'll see if I'm on to something.

Maybe Harvard Medical School will get wind of this experiment and want to conduct their own.

April 27, 2006

Certifiable

Is it so wrong that when I was leaving to take Dexter for his walk this morning, I picked the plastic bag I would use to pick up his poop based on which one matched my outfit the best?

April 26, 2006

The big 2-8!

I just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my gorgeous husband.

I am not eloquent enough to put into words how much I love you and appreciate you.

My life is better because of you.

Thank you for EVERYTHING.

Sunset

April 25, 2006

It ain't pretty

This is what happens to my hair when it rains for three days straight:


This is what happens....

April 21, 2006

Brilliant

I couldn't have said it better myself.

April 20, 2006

Spring Has SPRUNG

One of the flowers that woman let her dog pee on.


Hyacinth


There is an ANT in my apartment.

I live on the thirty-second floor.

That is one resourceful ant.

April 19, 2006

Holy Shit!

I'm going to be THIRTY in less than four months.


Wasn't it just yesterday that I was in high school?

What happened?

The years are flying by WAY too fast.

Before I know it I'll be wearing support hose and complaining about the "kids today".

April 17, 2006

The whores, they are everywhere, even in the suburbs

I was at my in-laws yesterday. I was gardening while Dexter sat in the grass chewing on sticks.
A woman, wearing about ten pounds of makeup, came walking down the street with her little white dog (I think it was a Maltese). She was the kind of person you instantly dislike. As I stood there, in front of the garden with my gloves on, we had a polite three minute converstaion while our dogs smelled each other. During this conversation I learned that she hardly ever walks her dog- she usually just lets him out in the backyard- which made me dislike her even more.
Then we finished our conversation (thank GOD), and she started to walk away. She got about two feet before her dog lifted his leg and started peeing on the garden. Did she try to stop him or pull him away? NO. She just stood there and watched him pee right on the flowers I had been tending to and then she kept walking. No apology.
You know what I like to call a person like that?
An ignorant WHORE.
What else should I call her?


On a completely different note, today is Tracy's BIRTHDAY! Go give her some love.

April 14, 2006

Ah, so that's why my eyes were watering

My cat Annie, who lives in our bedroom, took a shit so heinous last night that it WOKE ME UP.

There's nothing quite like scooping kitty litter at 4 AM.

April 13, 2006

Frustrated

Someone please explain to me why even though I'm working out ALL THE TIME and eating the healthiest I ever have, I am not losing weight.

I weigh 4 pounds more now than when I got pregnant the first time.

Now excuse me while I go bang my head against the wall repeatedly.

April 11, 2006

Please kill me. No, wait. Better yet, kill them

Where do they find the people who work in Kinko's?

SERIOUSLY.

April 10, 2006

Damn Yankee

As anyone who's been reading this blog knows, I was born and raised in Manhattan.

I never spent any time in the south, unless you count my visits as a child to southern Florida to visit my grandmother.
I don't think that counts though, because most of the people in southern Florida are from New York anyway.

My point is this: I grew up in a place where image and attention to detail is everything.

Eight years ago my father moved from Queens, New York to a very small town in Coastal North Carolina. When I say small town, I mean SMALL TOWN. Two hours from the nearest highway ,small.
When he first moved there, the town had ONE traffic light. Now there's three! Woohoo!

I have visited my father in North Carolina a handful of times, including a few months before I moved back to Manhattan (from Boston), almost two years ago. It is like a different planet to me. Animals are treated like property, they don't serve bagels with breakfast, there isn't an organic section in the supermarket, I could go on and on, but my point is- it's DIFFERENT.
This particular trip, my father was having spinal surgery, and the husband had just finished medical school, so we decided to load the animals into the car and drive FIFTEEN hours to my dad's house.
That's FIFTEEN. 1-5.

Some couples spend FIFTEEN hours in a car together and they want to kill, or at the very least dismemeber each other. Not us. We had a great time. In addition to the dozens of pork stores and mullets we saw, we also noticed some other interesting phenomenon.
We literally started writing down all of the funny shit we saw. This weekend, while cleaning out my closet, I found the notes we took. hence, the inspiration for this post.


The fist thing we noticed was the south has some interesting street signs. Here are a select few:

"Backlick Road"

"Blueball Road"

"Street Road" (Redundant Road?)


We saw a car dealer who was selling "Cheverelets" (sic.)

We saw the Sanitary Restaurant. Because nothing says "Mmmmmmmm, delicious!" like the word "sanitary".

We went to the local hardware store and we saw two signs that peaked our interest:

One said "Yale Sale".
I'm assuming that unless they were selling a large amount of college memorabilia they meant "Yard Sale".

The other sign was someone selling a boat. They kindly included the measurements in "Lenth" and "Witch" (Length and Width).

And finally, on our way home, we passed a turkey ON THE HIGHWAY. Just walking along the shoulder by the median like he was in a hurry to get somewhere.

Maybe he was heading north.


April 05, 2006

He obviously doesn't know me very well

My father said to me this morning "I want you to watch this movie. I Tivoed it for you."

The movie he wanted me to see?

The Yearling.

Me. The Yearling.

Yeah, I don't think so.

We're talking about me, the chick who started HYSTERICALLY sobbing in the middle of a movie theater when I saw the preview for this movie.
(In my own defense, I was pregnant, but I didn't know it yet.)

Does he really think I could watch The Yearling without falling onto the floor into a puddle of my own tears?

My father, apparently, has no idea what an emotional wreck I am.

I think he's the only one.


*I'm turning on comment authentication. I've been having a lot of problems with spam.*

April 04, 2006

This SO belongs on Overheard in New York

I just got back from the gym because I'm trying to get in shape and be all healthy because it's time to start trying to make a baby, AGAIN.

On the way there, I passed a crazy (that's what us New Yorkers call a person who paces back and forth on the street talking to themselves) who said the following:

"THAT'S MY FUCKING GARBAGE CAN! THE ONLY PERSON WHO EATS OUT OF THAT GARBAGE CAN IS ME! THAT. IS. MY. FUCKING. GARBAGE. CAN."

That lovely statement was then followed by some incoherent rambling.

You can't make shit as awesome as that up.

I love New York.

April 03, 2006

Weekend Recap, a Photo Essay

Mookie is feeling better every day, although he's still tired:

Primal scream

My mother was here this weekend and she bought me some beautiful tulips:

Tulips Saturation

Yesterday the husband and I took Dexter to Central Park. I took a lot of pictures, especially of flowers:

Blossom2

Pansy4

Red Flower

I also took a picture of this wall that I thought had an awesome design:

Wall

And we saw the Greek Parade:

Greek Parade

On the way home I saw a Forsythia bush and I took a branch home to put in a vase:

Forsythia

And then we found some baby pigeons who had fallen out of their nest:

Baby Pigeons

We put them back in their nest. I hope they make it.

My father got here last night. He's staying with us for two weeks, because I am putting him through a cleanse, so we can kick his cancer's ASS!

For those of you who are interested, I've updated my Cafe Press Photography store. Please let me know if there are any pictures you'd like to see on products, that I haven't added yet.

If you'd like to see the rest of the pictures I've uploaded check out my Flickr page.