I never even had the chance to tell you the good news
I spent several hours in the emergency room yesterday.
I was/am five weeks pregnant.
Yesterday I woke up with a horrible feeling.
I even said to my husband "I'm scared I'm going to have a miscarriage today. If I can just get through today, then I'll be OK."
Sure enough, at about 2pm, I peed and there was bright red blood.
I came out of the bathroom and said to my husband "OK, it's time to go to the hospital."
He couldn't believe that I had known.
To make a long story short-
I either had a chemical pregnancy, which is when the egg is fertilized but never fully implants in the uterus, or I am having a miscarriage.
I have to go to the doctor either today or tomorrow for some more testing.
I'm so angry. I'm angry at the universe (haven't I been through enough?) and angry at myself for getting excited about being pregnant, again.
I'm so exhausted, but I'm trying to soldier on because the alternative is me falling into a deep depression.
I am making a promise right now to you, my husband, and myself, that I will do whatever it takes to fight the depression.
Comments
I'm sorry you are having to go thru this.
If you ever need an ear, I'm here. Depression is a bitch and I'm fighting her too. You are not alone.
Posted by: Aimee | May 1, 2006 10:39 AM
this absolutely effin' sucks. i am so so sorry, torrie.
Posted by: RzDrms | May 1, 2006 10:40 AM
I'm sorry, Torrie. Hugs to you and the hubby.
You watch out for that Depression bitch. I bet she pulls hair and bites.
Posted by: mrtl | May 1, 2006 10:48 AM
love you Torrie. sending you Greenie love. it's all I have.
Posted by: greenie | May 1, 2006 10:49 AM
You're in my heart, even though it's breaking for you. I know, sweetie. Hugging you.
Posted by: Susie | May 1, 2006 11:35 AM
I'm so sorry, Torrie.
Posted by: Sherri | May 1, 2006 11:46 AM
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I'm crying for you, praying for you, loving you.
Much love and virtual hugs to you, dear. I wish I could do more.
Posted by: LadyBug | May 1, 2006 11:52 AM
oh torrie...
what can i say? nothing, really. except i really feel for you guys, and you can make it. you will beat the depression.
Posted by: Sarcomical | May 1, 2006 11:53 AM
We got you babe and we won't let you fall.
Posted by: Jenn | May 1, 2006 12:02 PM
Well, fuck!!! I'm sorry, darlin. I am sending good vibes on up there.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | May 1, 2006 12:21 PM
Oh honey. I'm crying for you. I just want to hold you in my arms and let you cry. This is so fucking not fair. I am sending you the most positive vibes I can, and i'm praying. Sweetheart, dont give up hope. Its sucks ass. Its not fair. Yell, scream, throw a thing or two, or 50. Do what you need to do to get it all out.
I dont know what to say except that. I know mere words will not make it better, but know you have support and love.
Posted by: lawbrat | May 1, 2006 12:51 PM
OMG, I am so sorry.
Posted by: Mrs. Dr. Dave | May 1, 2006 01:06 PM
I'm so sorry, hon...
Posted by: Bucky Four-Eyes | May 1, 2006 01:28 PM
I'm so sorry. Shit ain't fair. Sending *HUGS*
Posted by: Ern | May 1, 2006 01:47 PM
I'm so very sorry.
Posted by: Sarah | May 1, 2006 02:33 PM
I think you're really brave. Brave to share and brave to hope. My sympathy to you and your husband.
Posted by: Corn Dog | May 1, 2006 03:33 PM
Oh, no, Torrie. That is just terrible. I am in tears on the other side of the world. One is bad luck, two is, well, crushing. I had hoped we wouldn't be alike in this regard.
I don't really know what to tell you to make you feel better, except that you are not alone. For every twenty happy pregnant women out there there is one of us looking at her, thinking "I hope she knows how lucky she is".
Hugshugshugshugshugs.
I am going to see a counsellor from the (stillbirth and) miscarriage association next week, and I will share anything useful she has to say. Maybe once the chocolate is eaten and the fourth box of tissues is gone you could find one too?
Posted by: jen | May 1, 2006 06:35 PM
Torrie Im so sorry.
It sounds lame but I really am. I know the heartbreak, the unfairness and the depression.
Im sending to you all my strength and energy to help you get through this and to fight that bitch Depression.
Hang in there, you will get thru this.
Love always
Posted by: Michelle | May 1, 2006 07:05 PM
Ahhhh, damn.
You know, sweetie ... you know how sorry we all are for your loss, and how much we're willing to pitch in to help you with what's coming down the road. You can count on me for an (inappropriate) laugh or two - not today, and maybe not tomorrow ... but when it's right.
All my love to you, darlin'. Let's steel ourselves for what's coming.
Posted by: Nilbo | May 1, 2006 08:31 PM
Oh, sweetie. Would you like some more brownies?
Never mind, the baking starts tomorrow. Expect them soon.
Much love.
Posted by: candace | May 1, 2006 08:38 PM
I am so sorry Torrie. I've been going rough times too lately, but mine seem miniscule compared to yours. I don't know you well, but I give you all the love and support I can.
Posted by: Stef | May 1, 2006 09:37 PM
My sympathies to you and your husband.
Posted by: Elizabeth | May 1, 2006 09:59 PM
Much love to you.
Posted by: kalki | May 1, 2006 11:15 PM
I am so sorry, Torrie. That's just not fair.
Posted by: Bente | May 1, 2006 11:26 PM
Ah crap. I wish there was some magic phrase to say, to make it all better, to make the world fair. Sadly....there is not.
You have all the support you need. We're here for you.
Posted by: Tanya | May 2, 2006 08:26 AM
Lots of love and warm thoughts to you Torie. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: janasayqua | May 2, 2006 09:04 AM
I am so sorry. I have a friend in St. Louis, going through this very same thing. It's heartbreaking. To pull through, you need to rely on your hubby and your friends and family who love you and just believe it will work out eventually. All my fingers and toes are crossed.
Posted by: Annejelynn | May 2, 2006 11:40 AM
Just stopping by to let you know you're still on my mind and in my heart. Love and hugs to you, dear.
Posted by: LadyBug | May 2, 2006 12:58 PM
I'm just...so sorry.
GW
Posted by: GW | May 2, 2006 02:08 PM
Oh no! I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs your way.
Posted by: Von Krankipantzen | May 2, 2006 02:14 PM
I went through 2 miscarriages (one we didn't find out about until the 4th month, a blighted ovum).... and it does get better.
For a while I hated EVERYthing and everyone.
Sending you and your husband good thoughts and well wishes.
Posted by: christie | May 2, 2006 02:40 PM
I'm over here sending a TON of anti-depression energy. From one who has been there. Hugs.
Posted by: Stacey | May 2, 2006 04:58 PM
oh, I'm so so so very sorry - I hope you are able to feel better soon.
Posted by: Banana Esq | May 2, 2006 05:48 PM
XOXO - much love, Torrie. Keep your head above water and just keep on breathing. Please remember that this is a place where you can vent your feelings and frustrations... or to just come for some support if you need it. We love you!
Posted by: Charlotte | May 2, 2006 05:55 PM
I'm so sad for you, that you are going through this :( I went through one myself awhile back and I was a basket case for months. Take each day one hour at a time if you have to, whatever you have to do to get through and find a little bit of peace. Take care.
Anna
Posted by: Anna | May 2, 2006 09:15 PM
Oh, Torrie, I'm so sad for you. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'll be thinking about you.
Posted by: Meggan | May 2, 2006 10:45 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you didn't have to go through this. It is so hard.
Posted by: Kathryn | May 2, 2006 11:12 PM
I know what you are feeling, i had 2 miscarriages 3 months apart. I knew deep in my gut before i miscarried, that i would miscarry. i was so angry also. They say time helps....it doesn't, only concieveing another child will help. I am now 6 weeks pregnant, and very nervous, but if i miscarry again, i will try again. Don't give up, you will get that perfect baby in the perfect time!
Posted by: Denae Jayona | March 20, 2007 12:49 PM