Nothing is ever simple with me- not even a miscarriage
In order for you to understand what I've been through in the past 48 hours I need to start the story at the beginning....
When the husband and I decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby soon, I went to an OB for a pre-pregnancy checkup. We'll call this doctor "Doctor A".
I REALLY liked Doctor A. She was very calm and soothing which was a good match for me considering how high strung I am.
Then I became pregnant (three months after we started trying) and I called Doctor A's office to make an appointment and was told that Doctor A was pregnant, had a complication, and was on bed rest and wouldn't be back in the office for several months. I became a patient of another doctor in the same practice. We'll call this doctor "Doctor B".
I liked Doctor B. She was not as calm as Doctor A, but she was nice, and her daughter was vegetarian, so she understood my diet. Doctor B was the one who gave me the sonogram when we found out the baby had no heartbeat.
I had the D&C (surgery to remove the baby) and was told (by Doctor B) to wait until I got my period once and then we could start trying again.
That's what we did. And we got pregnant on the first try.
But from the moment I found out I was pregnant two weeks ago I felt like something wasn't right. I can't really explain it. I tried not to think about it because I couldn't tell if my feelings were real or if they were just paranoia because of what happened with the first pregnancy. I even bought three boxes of pregnancy tests- all different kinds- for a total of SEVEN tests. I took all seven of them over a 48 period and they all said positive, including the digital ones.
So, I tried not to listen to the nagging feeling that something was wrong.
One of my best friends got married this past Saturday night, and I made the cake. I worked on the cake Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and then I went to the wedding on Saturday.
I'm so glad that this didn't happen until Sunday.
As I said in the previous post I woke up with a bad feeling on Sunday and by 3pm I was in the emergency room.
I wasn't actively bleeding, but I was having cramping.
They performed an ultrasound and said they couldn't see anything because my bladder was full, so I went to the bathroom and they repeated the ultrasound. They said my bladder was still full and they still couldn't see anything (even though I had JUST peed). The husband questioned them about this and they just shrugged it off.
The conclusion the doctors in the ER came up with was that I had had a chemical pregnancy and I was now having my period. They told me to call my doctor's office in the morning.
I burst into tears because I felt like an idiot for going to the ER for my PERIOD. I was also upset because I really didn't feel like this was my period. For the next 20 hours or so I had NO BLOOD.
I called my doctor's office Monday morning and spoke to the nurse. She said the people in the ER were a bunch of idiots and that in 1/4 of all pregnancies there is some bleeding, so I shouldn't lose all hope. She told me to come in tomorrow (Tuesday) to see the doctor and have my blood drawn so they could test my HCG level.
I wanted to kill her for giving me false hope because I knew I was going to miscarry. Sure enough a little while after I hung up the phone, I started passing clots.
Today (Tuesday) I went to the doctor's office. The nurse put us in a conference room and told us the doctor would be right in. I was expecting Doctor B, but in walked Doctor A. As luck would have it she had just returned from maternity leave yesterday. She did a pelvic exam and confirmed that I was, in fact, having a miscarriage. She tried to do an ultrasound and said the same thing the ER doctors had said to me "Your bladder is too full". The husband and I explained that I had just gone to the bathroom and that we had the same problem in the ER. She had this look on her face like a light bulb had gone off. She started to take some measurements on the ultrasound screen and found out that I had a good sized cyst on my ovary (AGAIN) that was pressing on my bladder. I had been feeling extremely bloated lately. I had even told the husband that it felt like There was an over filled balloon in my abdomen and that I felt like I wanted to stick a needle in it to let all of the air out . I asked the doctor if the cyst could be causing my bloating she said "Absolutely, it can make you feel like you have an overfilled water balloon inside of you".
At least I had an explanation for that.
After reviewing my chart Doctor A told us some very interesting stuff.
Apparently the first pregnancy might have been a partial molar pregnancy. After you have a molar pregnancy your HCG levels are supposed to be monitored. You are not supposed to try to get pregnant again until your HCG levels reach zero. Molar pregnancies can cause your HCG levels to become abnormally high which means that even if you get your period you might still have elevated HCG levels. Doctor B never did a follow up with me and never tested my HCG levels. Also, it is recommended that you wait AT LEAST two cycles (after a molar pregnancy or a miscarriage) before you start trying to get pregnant again. Doctor B told us we could start trying after my first period.
Basically, Doctor B fucked up big time. Doctor A said that this pregnancy probably got messed up because it was too soon after the first pregnancy and my HCG levels probably never were at zero. If we had waited another month everything probably would have been fine.
If my husband didn't work at the same hospital and if Doctor B wasn't in the same practice as Doctor A (who will be my doctor from now on)we would SERIOUSLY consider suing.
I now have to wait another three months before I can start trying again.
I'm SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED, especially because if I had had the proper care, this probably wouldn't have happened.
As for the cyst, I will have another ultrasound next week. They will continue to monitor the cyst and if it doesn't shrink they might have to perform surgery to remove it.
I'm really hoping that I don't have to have surgery (again). Between me, my father, and my inlaws, my husband and I have endured THIRTEEN surgeries in the past three years. I think we've reached our quota.
I know there are people in the world who are worse off than me, but I can't help but feel like the universe is taking a gigantic crap on me.
*I apologize if this post has typos and is all over the place. It's 12:17 in the morning and I'm EXHAUSTED.
*Update: The Sarcastic Journalist wrote a post about miscarriage for Blogging Baby. She was nice enough to ask me if I would mind if she wrote the article, and she listened to what I had to say on the subject. Read the article here.
Comments
Wow. What an ordeal. I'll keep my fingers crossed that you don't have to have surgery for the cyst.
Posted by: Bente | May 3, 2006 02:02 AM
I am not going to say a bunch of cliche stuff.
You know I love you lots so there you go.
Smooches to you and I hope the cyst problem is resolved with as little pain as possible. I know the drama of girl troubles and they suck, if it wasnt for the benefit of having hypnotic boobs I would be willing to trade off on being a girl.
And trust me, you have hypnotic boobies so I guess your stuck with this junk for now. But when it is all gone we will do the dance of happy happy joy joy.
And then Ill come to NY and draw on your big pregnant tummy with finger paints and take pictures and bring you a huge ugly house mumu to wear for when your ankles swell.
Take care girlie. Much love to you.
Posted by: JessicaRabbit | May 3, 2006 04:52 AM
It will get better. It has to.
*hugs*
Posted by: Tanya | May 3, 2006 06:38 AM
Suing???? That's alittle much, no? I'm sure you wouldn't want someone suing your husband for telling someone to try to get pregnant one month too early...sheesh...calm down!
Posted by: Lauren | May 3, 2006 07:29 AM
OK, before I go right the fuck OFF on Lauren,, let me just say this - I am sorry all this is happening to you, girl. I wish that the dumb doctor had done her damn job, ya know?
OK, Lauren, shut the fuck up and go home, bitch. You don't like it? Don't read it.
Oh, and shut the fuck UP.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | May 3, 2006 08:05 AM
I would like to second SFG with a "suck it" to Lauren.
Doctors need to pay attention to their patients needs, because it is literally life or death in some cases and no one should have to suffer through medical procedures of any kind that could of been avoided if a person was doing the job they are supposed to do.
Oh and again, suck it.
Posted by: JessicaRabbit | May 3, 2006 08:13 AM
Hey Lauren, I'm sure I could come up with an eloquent defense to your comment But I think I will say the same thing I said to you in my email:
FUCK YOU.
Oh, and for anybody who's interested:
Lauren is a returning visitor who has been to my site 77 times. Her email address is LAU516@gmail.com,
her IP address is 68.37.178.35, which is located in Summit, NJ.
God, how I love sitemeter!
Posted by: Torrie | May 3, 2006 10:09 AM
Lauren, you better PRAY Torrie doesn't give me your IP address because I will hunt you down and kick you in the neck until your useless fucking head falls off. Then I'll shove it up your ass where it belongs.
Now, on to more important things...
I'm so sorry that you're going through so much shit right now, Torrie. I really am. You and Dr. Torrie are such wonderful, shining, good human beings and you just don't deserve what's been happening to you. I'm hoping with everything I have that things turn around for you and you finally get all the great stuff you deserve.
*hug*
Posted by: Sherri | May 3, 2006 10:17 AM
Ha! Torrie, you rock. Lauren has NO IDEA who she's dealing with...
Posted by: Sherri | May 3, 2006 10:18 AM
I'd jump in as well, but Lauren obviously has some sort of pathological need for attention, even if it's negative attention. She was one of those little kids that would misbehave in school just so that the teacher would notice her. Sad sad sad little girl. She probably has a face to match her ugly soul. Pity the poor ugly little girl, my friends. Pity!
Posted by: Fuzzball | May 3, 2006 10:21 AM
I'm so sorry honey. I wish this process was easier for you and your husband. You guys are in my thoughts.
Posted by: Amanda B. | May 3, 2006 10:33 AM
I'm so very sorry you two are going through this, but I am glad that you now have Dr. A back and she knows what the hell she's doing.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Sarah | May 3, 2006 10:53 AM
I am so sorry some fucking doctor fucked up and caused you guys more pain.
By the way Lauren, Torrie is a way better woman than I am as I would have already been to see my lawyer it's not like she was given information that would not effect the outcome of a huge life decision...although guessing by your response you have never had to deal with a real life shitty situation...perhaps you should find a new site to troll...I hear fuckers anonymous is looking for a new mascot.
Posted by: Jenn | May 3, 2006 11:46 AM
Sending love and hugs your way, Torrie. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, dear.
Posted by: LadyBug | May 3, 2006 11:58 AM
That sounds like a terrible ordeal. I am so sorry!
Posted by: Mrs. Dr. Dave | May 3, 2006 12:29 PM
Again, Torrie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Two of my miscarriages were before I got my sweet girl. I know you're going to be a mom. I am so sorry that you're having to travel this road to get there. But I'm thankful that you have a doc who knows what's what, now. You're in my heart.
Posted by: Susie | May 3, 2006 01:42 PM
:(
Posted by: Annejelynn | May 3, 2006 01:52 PM
i don't know you, and i just sort of found your site this afternoon, but i just wanted to say i hope you are doing better and i'm so sorry to read about everything that is happening. it seems so unfair that people who don't even want babies can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and pop out beautiful healthy kids that they don't even take care of - and people like you have to try so hard. Don't give up! and take care. my thoughts are with you.
Posted by: richelle | May 3, 2006 02:07 PM
Torrie,
I'm so sorry. I know there isn't anything I can say to it better, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.
jen
Posted by: the niffer | May 3, 2006 02:25 PM
A long time lurker - but had to say this happened with my girlfriend, as well (sans ovary issue). And they were able to conceive after the three-month wait.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Posted by: HDW | May 3, 2006 05:36 PM
Followed a link from another blog to here, delurking to say I'm so sorry about your loss, especially when it sounds like it could have been avoided. Also really glad that at least Dr. A came back in time to take over before Dr. B kept muddling around and giving more bad info.
Also, add mine to the big collective F-U to Lauren, how miserable of a human being can you be to learn such news about a fellow human and only have such a sh*tty response. Hope you're getting lots of email, and don't whine if you don't like what you're reading in your inbox. It is just as easy for other ppl to behave like you when they want to drag themselves down to that level, I mean, its just the internet after all. Blech.
Posted by: Leni | May 3, 2006 05:38 PM
Damn I hate Doctors that do a half-assed job. Do they not realise that they are dealing with a person who has feeling and has to deal with thier screw up?
Im just going to send all my positivness and energy to you, to help you get thru this hard time.
Im also going to eat some chocolate for you :)
Hang in there ok!
As for Lauren...well she can expect a nasty little email to!!
Love and Hugs
Posted by: Michelle | May 3, 2006 07:00 PM
Gah! Like you needed this after all the shit you've endured recently. It could have been avoided with competent care. I'm sorry, Torrie.
All my best to you. Even if you have me drooling thinking of cake.
Posted by: mrtl | May 3, 2006 08:14 PM
good lord, torrie...i imagine it's really hard right now not to feel "crapped on" and maybe a bit bitter. but you just go ahead and have your feelings because girl, you've earned the right to them. wow.
i think it sounds like dr. a will take good care of you. and in a few months...who knows? ;)
Posted by: Sarcomical | May 4, 2006 02:54 AM
babe, keep an eye on that cyst. And if they need to operate, do it straight away.
I know you have been through the ringer with hospitals in the last few years, but didn't you already have one burst? Mine was the size of an almond when it burst and that was more pain than I'm ever willing to go through again.
Look after yourself.
Posted by: song | May 5, 2006 09:51 PM
I too am just going through a miscarriage. I hope it's my last, because, as you know, it sucks!
I'm sending you all my condolences and letting you know you're not alone in your grief. Miscarriage seems to be an unspoken plight of women. I'm not staying quiet.
Posted by: Tammy | May 7, 2006 10:11 PM
I guess the only good news in all of this is that you are getting answers. I know for me, anyway, having explanations (and thus a logical plan) is empowering.
I'm thinking of you.
Posted by: kalki | May 8, 2006 12:21 AM
Bing told that you have to take 3 months off is so d***** hard. I had an ectopic pregnancy a month ago. I feel like waiting around for August is worse than a child waiting for Christmas. Those of us in this boat want a baby YESTERDAY! We have to take it a day at a time and try to live life to the fullest for right now. Hugs!
Posted by: Courtney | May 21, 2006 10:32 AM
I have to say that I know what your are going through hon. I am 28 yrs old and just found out in Oct. 2006 that I was to have a baby, I was very excited! I am single and never thought that I would get the chance to be a mom. Needless to say it has been short lived!
Its now Dec. and over the last few days I have been to the ER and to the OB's office
The ER stated that my cervix was closed, but the ultra sound only showed the baby to be 5wks 5days old and it should be 8wks.
My HCG levels were over 10,000 at this point. No heartbeat on the ultrasound as well, but it was still early they said.
2 days later I ended up at the OB's and had some tests done. Cervix was still closed, but there was discharge and blood comeing from the cervix. My HCG levels had dropped to 9,000 and should have doubled. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat as well and the tech even asked if they even saw a fetus in the ER. I can't believe that this is happening. What the heck?
No luck here either hon! This yr I have seperated from hubby, got divorced, moved to TX from OH, got pregnant, moved back to OH, now losing baby. Not sure how much worse it can get this yr. Thank God there are just a few weeks left in this yr!
Good luck to everyone...
Posted by: Dianne | December 13, 2006 09:15 AM