I am the #1 search result for "I hate underwear" on Google.
I'm feeling better.
Much better (well, mentally anyway).
I am trying hard to enjoy life and take part in things that will give me a sense of pride.
I am going to take a photography course in the Fall (my mother's birthday present to me).
I am looking into getting my real estate license( something I've always been interested in).
I will go back to focusing on my website (I understandably needed a break).
I am spending time with my friends and laughing a lot.
I am getting things done around the house.
I have realized that if I clean for five minutes here or ten minutes there, it doesn't become so overwhelming.
I am trying to take advantage of this great city I live in.
On Friday we went to a party at Benjamin Wagner's place and met some really great people, yesterday we saw the documentary Wordplay(I loved it), on Wednesday (the husband is off) we will go to the Darwin exhibit, and on Saturday our fellow nerd friends will come over for game night.
I vow to spend more time in Central Park. I vow to venture out of my neighborhood more often. I vow to take walks after dinner with the husband.
I vow that when I am sitting on the couch watching crappy TV, I will sort through all of the papers and magazines in my apartment and get rid of the CLUTTER.
The thing I've learned about myself in the past month is that I'm constantly complaining that I don't feel relaxed, but sitting on the couch doing nothing isn't what relaxes me; feeling fulfilled and like I've accomplished something is.
It's really the little things in life that I find joy in.
The perfect cup of tea.
Snuggling with the husband.
Watching the animals play.
Completing a project.
Reading a great book.
Taking a great picture.
Meeting new and interesting people.
I'm working on taking time for the little things.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and push my belly out so that I look pregnant.
I also like to rub my fake pregnant belly.
Wishful thinking, I guess.
I also will occasionally think to myself "If I hadn't lost the first baby I'd be X weeks pregnant now, and if I hadn't lost the second baby I'd be X weeks pregnant now".
I know that's not particularly healthy, but It's the reality of the situation.
I was in the emergency room from 10:30pm-4:00am.
At 9pm I started having major pain on my lower right abdomen.
I was literally writhing around and moaning from the pain.
The husband was NOT HAPPY and made me go to the ER.
They think my cyst(which was on the left) grew even larger to the point where it was pushing to the right, and then ruptured.
At 4am, there was talk of me seeing a resident from the OB depertment. I would have waited hours for that to happen and they would have repeated the same tests, so I finally excepted the pain medicine they'd been offering me all night and went home.
I just spoke to my OB's office and I'm waiting for a call back, because I'm sure they will want to do futher poke and proding tests.
I feel better today, less pain, but boy am I TIRED.
Time to get back to bed.....
*Updtae: My doctor confirmed that I have indeed ruptured my gigantic cyst (Who I had named Melvin- I'll miss you Melvin).
AND, I've made a decision- I am never taking off the bandage on my arm from where the IV was. I fear that ripping it off will equal the pain of a brazilian bikini wax, so it is staying put. I will henceforth be referred to as "that chick who has that dirty, disgusting, bandage on her arm." It won't be so bad. I've been called worse.
Internet I have a VERY important and life changing decision that I need your help with:
Should I stay brunette or go back to blonde?
I was a blonde for 27 years and then I started dyeing my hair brown
It was fun, but to be honest, I don't really feel like myself.
I was always "Torrie with the long blonde hair".
So, here are some examples of the blonde me:
(It's kind of hard to get the full effect on these small pictures, so click on them to view the larger size.
There are a couple of more examples on Flickr.
And here a few examples of the brunette me:
So, please tell me what you think looks better. Try not to make your judgement based on the qaulity of the photos.
I am jealous.
I've spent the last two weekends with the kind of people who can "do it all".
I want desperately to be one of those people.
Last Saturday I ran into Benjamin Wagner. Benjamin is the executive producer of MTVNews.com. He also is a very acomplished singer/song writer who has released 10 albums and regularly performs. In his "spare time" he runs (including the NYC marathon), blogs, is an avid photographer, and (Benjamin, correct me if I'm wrong) paints. He is also currently working on a documentary about Mister Rogers.
After running into Benjamin, who has more energy in his pinkie than I have in my whole body, I drove to New Jersey to visit my oldest friend.
Durng the day she works for the New Jersey DEP. Her weekly schedule is as such:
Monday night- Drawing class
Tuesday night- Climbing
Wednesday night- Ultimate frisbee (she's on a team)
Thursday night- Free (although she very often schedules meetings for this night)
Friday night- Climbing
On the weekends and some weekday mornings she goes running.
In her "spare time" she knits, grows a hydroponic garden, and is planning her wedding.
This weekend was my cousin's baby shower. She's 37 weeks pregnant. I made the cake and the cookies, which of course, overwhelmed me.
Monday-Friday she teaches dance at a public school. Two nights a week and Saturday she teaches dance at a private dance school.
On Friday night they had their recital. My cousin, in all of her pregnant glory, danced in several numbers.
Her due date is July 2nd. She is teaching at the public school until June 28th.
My point is-I don't have a nine-five job. I don't exercise on a regular basis. I don't take any classes. And yet, I still get overwhelmed.
Instead of taking things step by step, I just completely shut down and do NOTHING.
Why can't I be more like these people?
Why can't I handle more on my plate?
Do you think it's a personality trait that will never change, or something you can work on and learn?
1) Bagels are my favorite food.
2) I am a carbohydrate junkie
3) My husband is two years younger than me. Before I met him I had only dated older men (boys).
4) I am a strict vegetarian. It's like a religion to me.
5) I hate organized religion.
6) I've never thrown up from drinking.
7) I hated high school.
8) I don't wear bras.
9) My favorite books are To Kill a Mocking Bird and The Catcher in the Rye. I've read both of them several times.
10) I love to read.
11) I went to culinary school.
12) I used to be a pastry chef.
13) I've also been a nanny.
14) I can sing, or so I've been told.
15) I love to dance. I've got rythm.
16) In high school I majored in dance, but had to stop because of an injury.
17) The only bone I've ever broken is my pinkie. (Knock on wood)
18) My father offered to pay for me to get a nose job. I refused just to spite him, and now sometimes I regret it.
19) I've never stayed over night in a hospital.
20) I predicted the big earth quake that hit California in the late 80's.
21) I have watched the movie Dirty Dancing too many times to count.
22) I had my first boyfriend when I was nine, but didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen.
23) I've been pregnant twice, but I don't have any children.
24) I have three cats and one dog.
25) I will not pee in front of anyone. Not even my mother.
26) I grew up in Manhattan.
27) I went to sleep away camp in the Poconos.
28) I love when it rains. I especially love thunderstorms.
29) I have a mild case of OCD. Paintings can't be crooked, things have to be eaten in a certain way, etc.
30) I was in a pageant when I was 12. I won.
31) I am a pack rat.
32) I bruise easily.
33) I have straight pubic hair. The hair on my head is wavy. This makes no sense.
34) I like to write to do lists so I can cross things off.
35) I HATE onions. They are evil.
36) I have a BAD back.
37) I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
38) I have been blogging since August, 2003.
39) I have 42 pairs of shoes. None of them are leather.
40) I am broke.
41) I hate doing the dishes.
42) David Copperfield made me disappear.
43) Jon Bon Jovi laughed at me.
44) I've had sex with two different people in one day.
45) I have a tattoo.
46) My husband has a tongue ring. I *love* it.
47) I was a camp counselor.
48) I once told Scott Hamilton to "Get out on the ice and do a couple of back flips!"
49) Two of my photos were published in the New York Times.
50) I love to learn.
51) I am allergic to cats and dogs.
52) I HATE the cold.
53) I used to be a gymnast
54) I can't watch other people fold clothes because THEY DO IT WRONG.
55) I lived in Boston for five years. It wasn't New York.
56) I have fifty billion medical problems.
57) I like to exaggerate.
58) If you tickle me I will black out and hurt you. I'm dead serious.
59) My wedding was vegetarian. The food was so good, half of the guests didn't even realize it.
60) I had the best wedding EVER.
61) Some of my favorite movies are American Beauty, Garden State, 40 Year Old Virgin, Office Space, Coming to America, and Forrest Gump. I'm sure I'm forgetting a bunch more.
62) Some of my favorite bands/artists are Coldplay, Cake, Indigo Girls, The Beatles, Eminem, Sublime, Billy Joel, Fiona Apple, Miles Davis, Paul Simon, and Radiohead. I am not ashamed.
63) Billy Joel once told me he was too drunk to remember me interrupting his meal.
64) I was flat chested until I was about 19. Now I'm a 36C.
65) I HATE coffee.
66) I LOVE tea.
67) I hate underwear. I wear them reluctantly and am constantly digging them out of my cavernous ass.
68) I hate whistling. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
69) My father-in-law whistles ALL THE TIME.
70) I have seven nephews and three nieces.
71) I think I'm the only person on the planet who hates the TV show Law and Order.
72) I moved out of the house when I was 19.
73) If I could wish for one secret power it would be to never have to shave my legs again.
74) I am allergic to artichokes.
75) I've never been anywhere in the middle of the country. The closest I've been to the middle is Ohio or Utah.
76) I'm a good driver. I drive like a man.
78) I desperately want to go to England. I don't know why.
79) I used to have waist length blonde hair.
80) I don't chew gum.
81) I don't drink soda.
82) I don't like sex toys. That's how I roll.
83) Sometimes I like to talk like I'm from the hood. WORD.
84) Thanks to blogging, I have friends that live in states and countries I've never been to.
85) My favorite color is blue.
86) I have two half sisters and a half brother.
87) I can't say the word *fart*. It makes me cringe. The fact that I was even able to type it is a miracle.
88) I've had many crushes, but I've only been in love once.
89) I am not good at styling my hair, or anyone else's hair for that matter.
90) I wear SPF on my face every day, even in the winter.
91) I haven't "tanned" since I was 18. I look pale, but I actually have my dad's Sicilain skin and I can get quite dark.
92) Chocolate is my drug of choice.
93) I love book stores. I could spend all day in a book store.
94) I didn't learn how to tie my shoe laces until I was six, and I couldn't ride a bike without training wheels until I was almost ten.
95) I watch entirely too much television.
96) My husband is a genius. Literally. It's like living with a human encyclopedia and dictionary all rolled into one.
97) I got braces my senior year in high school. It sucked.
98) I can't eat spicy food. This is very difficult considering I'm a vegetarian.
99) I try to avoid the topic of politics because I just get upset and frustrated.
100) Writing this list was not easy.
Did you learn anything new about me?
I saw Mission Impossible III, and I loved it.
I feel so dirty.
I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday.
I forgot my dad's birthday. It was today. I was too busy thinking about myself and I just forgot.
I feel like a piece of shit.
You can view the pictures from my recent trip HERE.
There. I said it.
The only dreams I remember when I wake up are the bad ones. Or maybe I'm only having the bad ones.
I'm disappointed in myself. My procrastination. My avoidance.
I did virtually nothing productive today. I should have done laundry. But I didn't. And so, there I was at midnight, loading the dishwasher, so I could go to bed without feeling completely useless.
My poor husband is still at work. He's been at work since 6:30 this morning. And I can't even get the fucking laundry done. He'll come home to a pile of laundry and a messy apartment. He won't have any clean underwear. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves better. A better wife. If I'm not going to make any money the least I could do is some fucking laundry.
I have a to-do list a mile long. But instead of trying to get stuff done and mark things off the list, I just ignore it completely.
I watch crappy movies, Little House on the Prairie, and several episodes of Sex in the City.
I fuck around on the computer, but my eyes just glaze over. I don't even have the stamina to read blogs.
I can't stop worrying about things. EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
Will I ever have a baby?
Will I have to have surgery?
Will I ever have a pain free day?
What will happen to my father?
How can I make some money?
The list goes on and on.
I'm also hating myself. I'm never satisfied. I HATE that.
I have no idea how long this bout with depression will last. Sometimes it's months, sometimes it's days.
I hope it's the latter.
I'm so overwhelmed.