How I spent my day
I was less than thrilled.
My back has gotten so bad that almost nothing is worth sitting in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end. Not even Martha.
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January 31, 2007
January 28, 2007
Disconcerting
Last night I took off my pants and when I looked down I realized I couldn't tell if I was wearing underwear or not.
I can't see my own crotch anymore.
On the bright side- at least I can still see other people's crotches.
January 24, 2007
I'm freaking out
It's completely irrational. I know that. That doesn't mean I can stop.
I'm worried about the baby.
Sometimes it consumes me.
Today my husband and I were having tea and doing a crossword at a nice little cafe and I had to ruin it by bursting into tears.
I worry that those aren't really kicks I'm feeling. That they're just gas bubbles.
I worry because I can't hear her heartbeat with my husband's stethoscope, even though I can barely hear my own.
I worry that because I am leaking colostrum that I will go into preterm labor.
Every test I've had- blood, urine, sonogram- has been "perfect". The doctors and nurses keep using the word "perfect". And yet, I still worry.
I like to write how many weeks along I am on my calender so that when I'm making plans I'll know how far along I will be. I'm scared to write out the weeks- 24, 25, 26, etc.- because the first time I did that ,and after I lost the baby every time I looked at the calender I was reminded of how far along I would have been.
I spoke to a friend recently who told me that she only had one sonogram her entire pregnancy.
I've already had five and I'll probably have a couple of more before the pregnancy is over. Each time they tell me everything looks great. "Perfect".
But I keep worrying that there will be no heartbeat.
I was just at the doctor a week ago. She did a quick doppler to listen to the heartbeat. It sounded great. But I can't wait until I hear it again (my next appointment isn't until February 13th).
I've mentioned my anxiety about the heartbeat before and some of you have suggested I rent a doppler. I don't want to do that. I feel like I would only be feeding my anxiety. As it is I'm constantly trying to hear the heartbeat with the stethoscope. It's a good thing my husband takes it to work with him every day, otherwise I'd probably obsessively have the thing stuck in my ears all day long.
Something else that is adding to my stress is that February is right around the corner.
It is a notoriously bad month for me. We lost the first pregnancy in February. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in February. A good friend's dad died in February. And lots of other horrible things have occurred in the month of February.
So, you can understand why my chest tightens a little every time I look at the calender.
I'll be holding my breath until I (hopefully) hear the baby's heart beat at my next doctor's appointment.
Until then, I will be counting the days and trying to silence the demons.
January 23, 2007
Whistle while you work
There is a maintenance guy in our hallway cleaning the floors. He has been whistling incessantly for the past 15 minutes. It is driving me CRAZY. (I've spoken about my hatred for whistling before- see #68)
I so badly want to go out into the hallway and ask him to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP, but I don't want him to think I'm a bitch. I have to see this guy almost every day.
Is there a polite way to ask someone to stop doing something annoying- whistling, chewing gum, tapping their foot, etc., or will they just think you're a bitch no matter what?
On another note- I have been getting a MASSIVE amount of comment spam so I turned the comment verification on. It might take a while for your first comment to post. Once you have been verified, your comments should post right away.
January 22, 2007
Completely Normal
What?
Am I the only one who wears an afro wig and a tiara while watching American Idol?
(Photo taken by Schnozz.)
January 17, 2007
This is my dance space
Last night I had a dream that we had a Dirty Dancing themed blogger convention.
It took place at the sleep away camp I went to when I was a kid.
We all stayed in the cabins.
I was teaching Heather how to Mambo ("Spaghetti arms!"), which makes no sense because I'm sure she's seen the movie Dirty Dancing at least 100 times and already has the dance moves down.
Mrs. Kennedy was there too. She had grown her hair to shoulder length and then shaved the underneath part.
I don't know why I'm telling everyone this- dreams are rarely interesting to anyone except the person who has them- but maybe it's because I'm secretly dreaming that there really could be a Dirty Dancing themed blogger convention.
January 16, 2007
Realization
It is never a good idea for a pregnant woman who's already tired from her recent trip, and didn't get enough sleep the night before, to stay up until 4:30 AM.
It's all her fault.
January 09, 2007
The week in review
I have much better posts than this one to write, but I am lazy. Instead, enjoy this poorly written post riddled with bad grammar.
So, without further ado, here is a list of things that have happened in the last week (in no particular order).
- My back has gotten increasingly bad. Walking used to be the only thing that made it feel better, and now that hurts too, so I'm basically screwed.
-We had our 20 week anatomy ultrasound. It was mostly awesome. Except for the part where the baby was breech and totally would not cooperate and they kept making me move from side to side, and then they made me walk around and eat ice cream, and after all that the baby was still breech. So, 4 different sonogram technicians poked and prodded my belly trying to measure various parts of the baby.
There was one part where the baby was kicking me, and I mean REALLY kicking me. Like get this fucking uterus off my feet/ kung foo fighting kicking me and even the sonogram technician whose job it is to look at babies in the womb ALL DAY was like "WHOA, that kid is really kicking you" and I'm thinking that when I can REALLY feel her kick (right now I only feel flutters) this is not going to be as cute.
After two hours, when we were on our fourth sonogram technician, the only thing left to do was take some measurements of the baby's profile. That was right about the time the baby decided to nuzzle her face into the placenta so we couldn't see a god damn thing. I fear that this baby is just like me.
- I was going to drive the animals to my mom's house by myself on Friday because we were going to be leaving for vacation at 5AM on Saturday, but the husband concluded that there was no way with my bad back that I was going to be able to load all the animals and their crap into the car by myself and then drive 4 hours (especially knowing that I was going to have to sit on a plane for six hours on Saturday). So, he made the executive decision that after the sonogram on Thursday he would drive to my mom's.
Because the sonogram took so long we didn't even get on the road until 6:45pm, so we didn't get home until 11:30 PM. The husband had to get up at 5 the next morning.
When we got back, the husband couldn't find his wallet anywhere. Which was just what we needed to be dealing with after such an emotionally exhausting day. We concluded that the only time he had taken his wallet out was when we stopped for gas (about an hour into our 4 +hour round trip). So, I spent 10 minutes on the phone with directory assistance trying to figure out the phone number of the gas station.
I finally got the number, and miraculously they had found the wallet.
However that meant that I was going to have to drive 2+ hours round trip on Friday to pick up the wallet which kind of defeated the purpose of the husband driving me the night before.
I was complaining about all of this to Heather over IM on Friday morning when she offered to drive me. Seriously. It's things like this that make me realize that I have hit the friend jackpot.
So, she drove me. And I picked up the wallet. And everything was still in it.
- We left for our vacation at 5AM on Saturday. At the security check at the airport I got pulled aside to be screened. The woman was wanding me and there wasn't even a beep and she said to me "why did he pull you aside?" and I said "I don't know, maybe because I'm pregnant" and so she asked him and sure enough he said he pulled me aside because he wanted to make sure I wasn't smuggling anything under my shirt. The woman, who was his superior, got really pissed and said "she's pregnant, you idiot".
-We used all of our frequent flier miles to fly first class because we figured it would be easier on my back. Boy, were we wrong. They didn't have any pillows, so I had to use 4 blankets to support my back. One of flight attendants was rude to me, there was hardly any leg room, and the food sucked.
So NOT worth it.
-We are in Utah. We're up in the mountains right above Salt Lake City. The husband is skiing while I sit around the lodge on my fat ass all day.
-Utah is BEAUTIFUL, but DRY. Really DRY.
I have never consumed so much water in my life.
Also, my nose is all dry and crusted, and bloody. I'm seriously considering shoving some of my moisturizer up there.
-Yesterday I leaked colostrum all over my husband's T-shirt.
I can't believe this is already happening. I thought that wouldn't happen until after I give birth.
I keep thinking if I'm leaking this much now, imagine how much I will leak once my milk actually comes in. I wonder what kind of trajectory these bad boys will have.
-Flickr has something against me and it won't let me upload any of my pictures from my laptop.
-People ski entirely too fast.
January 02, 2007
I have no title for this post
On Thursday night we went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant with a couple of friends. One of my friends ordered what appeared to be a beautifully plated appetizer:
Then we realized that there were Pringles sticking out of it. Who would have thought potato chips would be considered garnish?
On Saturday a friend of ours gave us a present to celebrate the fact that we are having a girl. It seemed like an adorable little outfit, until we saw the tag:
Is it just me, or is that a really demented way to describe an outfit that an infant will be wearing?
I hope you all had as good a New Year's Eve as we did.
