just breath - - try Sheryl's exercise... put a heart up on your ceiling, above your bed... every morning and every night, when you see the heart, lie in bed and breath in and out, counting up to 3 to inhale, and 3 to exhale, increasing my one count as you breath in and out again, up to a total count of 10 to inhale and 10 to exhale. Will help you recenter yourself. And a counselor could help with your understandable, but unnecessary anxiety... You should be enjoying this pregnancy as much as you can... not this way. RnR vibes being sent your way from Vegas! ((hugs))

I don't really have any advice for you because I have no idea what it is like to lose a pregnancy. I can only imagine what it would feel like and I totally understand your stress and anxiety. I guess the best you can even *try* to do is keep yourself busy so you don't think about it as much. And maybe ask other people to help you stay busy, because that what I would do, because I don't think I could keep myseslf busy on my own.
Hang in there!

I'm a worrier, too. Right now I'm worrying about my own health stuff. I want to let it go, but it's not that easy, is it? Even when the rational thing is not to worry, sometimes we still do.

Wishing all the best for you..

You are fine. It is so incredibly normal and OK for you to be freaking out. That said, I hope you feel better soon because worrying is no fun at all.

A regular stethoscope can't pick up the heartbeat. You'd need a fetoscope for that, and even then it only works after about 20 weeks (sometimes as early as 17). I've seen them on ebay for as little as $12. I borrowed one from my midwife and half the time I couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat because my intestines were in the way.

Tears. Hug. XO.

You need something to break your February curse, honey. And your next sonogram will do that. March used to be bad for me, terrible things happened then. So I chose to get married in March just to show that fucker who's boss. February will be the time when you are finally reassured that all is going to be well. Didn't I tell you you were going to be a mom? The nerve of you, not listening to me! ;)

You know that I know about losing some babies. You have to have a serious talk with yourself now. My concern is that your past experience is robbing you of fully experiencing this wonderful, glorious time that you waited so long for. Don't let yesterday steal today, Torrie. Today you are the home of a miracle, where everything is, indeed perfect. You are communicating with your baby, through your emotions, your thoughts. She wants you to know that you're making her NUTS! So chill.
You know that I say all of this with love, as one who has been there many times.

(And forgive me if you've said elsewhere that you're having a boy; I have always only ever imagined that you are growing a girl.)

March 1 is closer than you think. Good thoughts! And I think talking a lot to your baby will help, it did with me.

But like you're not doing that already!

I agree with everyone, make this February the best you've ever had!

I agree with Susie -- it's time to BREAK the February Curse!! I also agree that you need to put the past in the past and live each day for the day. TODAY you are a beautiful pregnant woman with a perfect fetus and a wonderful husband and four fabulous animals. Hold that thought in your mind and relax. LOVE YOU :)

Susie is the wisest person I know, Torrie and you should listen to what she's saying. I know that it's easier said than done but you can do it. This February is when it all changes, you can break this curse. Babies can do magic like that. Big hugs. x

Hey! Been a lurker for quite awhile, love reading your stuff!! I understand exactly what you mean my worry. I am 18 weeks and am always a fit of nerves, and this is my 2nd!!!
About the doppler rental, I even went that route, and it NEVER works. I have tried it minutes after a doc appt and still nothing, so hold on to your money! Feb is a short month and I'll be thinking hopefule thoughts for you all the way through!!!

Sending good wishes and thoughts your way.... I'm sure everything will work out fine. Just think, in a couple of weeks there will be no denying those kicks! :)

I've also been lurking, reading your blog for a while. I am 22 weeks pregnant, living in Brooklyn, and I can completely relate to your feeling. My husband has it worse than I do -- the other day, after a sonogram where everything looked "great" he was still paralyzed with fear for the rest of the day. I think it is a perfectly normal set of feelings. We are Jewish and are following the custom of not buying or preparing anything for the baby until the last possible moment, a custom which I feel is comes from this same set of emotions, and the various experiences which cause these emotions. Like you, I won't be able to calm down until I have (G-d willing) the baby in my arms. In Hebrew we say "B'sha'ah tovah," may it be in a good hour, rather than congratulations upon hearing that a woman is pregnant. This is what I wish for you.

Hi Torrie, I know *exactly* where you are coming from. This is my 5th pregnancy, but the only one to make it past 9 weeks. I think first of all it is perfectly natural for you to be this worried. Not because I think your baby is in any danger, but just because of your past. I also worry if I have not felt my baby move for a while- in fact last week I ended up in the delivery suite having a scan because I was sure something was wrong. Just this morning I had the terrible thought that maybe those weren't baby hiccups (the cutest thing, IMHO) maybe that was just a muscle jumping, or in fact, like you, wind.

Secondly, at 23 weeks, the risk of something going wrong is just so so small. In fact, (with a whole bunch of steroids and some time in NICU), your little girl could actually be born AND SURVIVE. So even if there was omething that went wrong like pre-term labour, all, at this point is definitely not lost.

I wish I knew a fool-proof way to reassure you. I think Susie's advice to break the February curse is well and truly the best, though. (We lost our third pregnancy in Feb too, FWIW). Talk to your little girl, too. Let her know her mummy loves her and would do everything she can to protect her and help her. Send sweet healthy and growing vibes her way.

Oh and the advice we got in med school is that listening for the heartbeat with a stethescope is like hearing a watch tick under a thick quilt. Very good analogy, actually. But I'm now so big my own stethescope wont reach from my ears to my bubby!

Much love from across the world...

I am recently pregnant as well. I worry, too. Although, I have been worrying less after having my first trimester testing go so well.

Torrie, please try and relax. You're in great shape. Trust your doctors. They wouldn't lie to you especially since they know you've proven yourself to ba tough cookie the first time around. Just try and enjoy this. Hell, soon you're going to be stressing out over the lack of sleep. :]

I am posting this article here not to stress you out more, but to make you realize that stressing out for stress sake can be very damaging. (My husband just sent me the link below in response to a similar blog post I put up on my own site. I do hope that it doesn't upset you more. That isn't my intention. Next time I get worked up, you know, in like five minutes, I'm going to try and relax quicker, knock those bad thoughts out.)

Here is a a link about mommies stressing: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6298909.stm

Just try and breath. Ever go to a yoga class? If you feel a panic attack coming on, breath. Granted, that's easy for me to say. I'm trying to do it as well!

You're doing just fine, Torrie. Just fine.

susie said "fucker." that right there should make you smile. ;)

The power of positive thought and a relaxed mind goes a long way. My American friend just had a baby in Guatemala (at home, no medicine and machines) after only having gone to the doc's once...

Treat yourself to a prenatal massage!

I think the hormones make you over-react, you have no idea how hard they work on your emotions. Kids and worries walk hand in hand, you will have to deal with that, and I am sure you will do it greatly!

Sweetie,

You realize you will have to change the name of your url when babe arrives. Because you are going to be so in love with your little morsel. He/she will change your life.
I read the earlier comment about breathing exercises..they help immensely. Try it out. Think positive and my thoughts are with you clever woman!
~Ella

Time to rewrite February. Hugs!

I did the same thing, both times. It gets much better as soon as you're able to distinguish deliberate movements. For me, I'll forever remember the tap-tap-tap-tap-tap from my first son that let me know it was really *him*.

I was trying the breathE in and out exercise over the weekend and realized (how I don't know), that I repeatedly spelled BREATHE in my comment here w/o an 'E' at the end... brilliant, I am. Hope you had a good weekend, Torrie!

This February will be different... you'll see!

xxx