I am mad at you for giving up.

I know you're tired. I know you've been fighting for two years. But I thought you would never give up. And I can't help but believe that the cancer knows when you give up, and it's all too happy to take over.

I am mad at you for being so stubborn. Being inflexible does not impress me. Your buddies from the Marines might be impressed that you refuse pain medication, but I'm not impressed.
I'm not impressed because you are not doing everything you can. At first you were eating well and taking your vitamins. Now you have fallen back into your old routine of eating crap. And drinking nothing but soda. And not taking your vitamins. Cancer is like a cockroach- it loves a dirty environment. You are making it feel right at home. You are being lazy. Even faced with death you are not willing to change. To do what's right. If you want to impress me you would change and take care of yourself.

For two years I have given so much time and energy into keeping you alive. I have read tons of books, spent hours doing research online, gone with you to all of your doctor's appointments, spoken to your doctors on the phone, and prepared tons of healthy, delicious meals.

I'm tired too. And I'm mad that I've put more time and energy into making you well than you have.

You know nothing about your disease. You never educated yourself on the subject.
You've educated yourself on so many different subjects, but you show show no interest in the most important one. Why don't you have a passion for living?

I'm done fighting with you to take care of yourself. I'm done. I just don't have the energy anymore. I'm giving up, just like you. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I can't force you to fight.

I can't help take in personally that you are giving up.

It's not fair to me, or to your unborn grandchild.

You have taught all 4 of your children and all 4 of your grandchildren to swim. And ride their bikes. And you were the one who bought us our sneakers.
And my child will miss out.

I will miss being able to call you and ask for directions, or for help with the crossword puzzle. I will miss the lessons you give me about things like taxes and the stock market. I will miss calling you to see if you know the answer to Final Jeopardy.

I will miss you.

I just hope you can hold on long enough to meet your grandchild.

FUCK CANCER.

Posted by torrie at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (24)

I could never express my anger as eloquently as this.

If you live in Alabama, please email me.
I will gladly send you a "present". Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Posted by torrie at 09:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Posted by torrie at 09:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Had my MRI yesterday. It confirmed that my disk is ruptured. (DUH.)
The good news is that there is still enough space in my spinal canal to get an epidural while I'm in labor. (Thank GOD.)

I also had an ultrasound yesterday to rule out gallstones.
The good news- no gallstones.
The bad news- still no idea what's causing the rib pain.

My next door neighbor told me his sister-in-law had the same horrible rib pain that I'm having and that it started around the same time (six months).
I asked him if her pain ever got better and he said "Yeah, at about 35 weeks."

Oh goody. Only 8 more weeks of non-stop torturous pain.

I'm sorry that this is all I've been writing about lately, but the pain is causing me to have an even more difficult time than usual stringing together coherent sentences.

I will try to write something interesting (and perhaps non-pregnancy related) soon.

Posted by torrie at 05:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I am in constant pain. For the past three weeks or so Ive been having excruciating rib pain.
At first it was just at night, but it has started earlier and earlier everyday, so now it's ALL DAY.
The one good thing about it is it distracts me from my back pain. Yay.

The doctor has no idea why the hell I'm having such severe rib pain.
The pain does not change no matter what I'm doing or what I eat.
The only thing that helps slightly is if I lay down. So, that's pretty much all I've been doing.

I think they are going to do an ultrasound to make sure it's not my gallbladder. Fun.

Oh, and I have a miserable cold too. Thank God for nipple cream. I've been rubbing it on my nose so that it doesn't crack open.

I hope you all are having fun and doing exciting things because then I can at least live vicariously through you.
Feel free to tell me all about your exciting weekend (Sex??? Drugs???- help me out- I'm BORED).

Posted by torrie at 06:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

So, my back is bad. Really bad. But you knew that already. And I've been having EXCRUCIATING rib pain, but that's a whole other story.

So, my OB wanted me to see my spine specialist and have an MRI. She also wants me to meet with the head of the OB Anesthesia department at the hospital where I am giving birth.

So, about SIX WEEKS ago I called my spine doctor to make an appointment and I found out he doesn't take my insurance anymore. (I would like to point out that it is the same insurance that he uses for HIMSELF- he works at the same hospital as my husband.)

So, I began my search for another spine doctor. That was fun.
Most of them don't take insurance. (I'm sorry, but how many people out there are actually paying out of pocket to go to the doctor???)
I finally found someone. The first available appointment was for February 21st. Yes, I told them that I was pregnant and in pain. They don't care.

So, I went to my OB yesterday (regular check-up) and she asked me if I had gotten an MRI yet.
I realized that it's silly for me to go to the spine doctor on the 21st, THEN have him order an MRI. It makes much more sense for me to have the MRI first, so that when I show up we can discuss the results. Because otherwise, I will go to the spine doctor, he'll order the MRI, I'll have to wait a week for an MRI appointment, and then god knows how long for another appointment with the spine doctor.
Also, I can't meet with the OB Anesthesia doctor until I have the MRI.

So, I call the spine doctor's office and explain all of this to the secretary and she was all "That's not how he does things. He'll want to see you first"
And I (very nicely) said "I understand that's how he usually does things, but I was hoping he could make an exception because I'm pregnant, in a lot of pain, and my husband is a resident at the hospital. Also, I can't meet with the OB Anesthesia doctor until I have the MRI."

(I forgot to mention to you- I mentioned this to the secretary- that the new spine doctor works ACROSS THE HALL from the old spine doctor and could very easily access my file.)

The secretary started to get all huffy and rude with me. (I can't WAIT to meet her!)

So, I said "You don't have to lose your patience and be rude, I'm in a lot of pain and I'M PREGNANT."

And then I realized I wasn't going to get anywhere with her, so I asked her to have the doctor call me- which she LOVED. (Because I don't see how any doctor in their right mind, after I explain the situation, wouldn't be willing to let me get an MRI.)

So, do you think the doctor will actually call me?

I'm not holding my breath.

Posted by torrie at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

"The snoogle is cock-blocking me."

Posted by torrie at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

*Warning*- if you or someone you love has been a victim of sexual abuse this might be a very difficult post to read.

So, there are so many things that go on in my life that I can't talk about here. Mostly because there are some insanely private people in my family and I don't want to start a war. It can been quite frustrating at times.
The reason I haven't mentioned what I'm about to tell you before was for legal reasons. Those legal reasons have since been resolved, so now I am free to talk about it.

First, I need to give you some background-
My dad had three kids with his first wife- one boy and two girls. My dad divorced his first wife when she started to go crazy, REALLY crazy, and refused to get help.
Fast forward to the present-
Both of my sisters have two kids. My sister Lisa has a twenty year old boy and an eight year old girl. My sister Kim has two girls ages seven and eight.
My dad's first wife, Paula has been with the same guy, Paul, for about thirty years now. They live close to my sisters and would babysit their kids.
Paul beat the shit out of my sister Lisa when she was a teenager, and has hit Paula many times.
See, if that was me I never would have let them near my kids, but it's amazing how forgiving people can be of family.
Anyway, about a year ago, my sister Kim was in the bathroom getting her girls ready for bed when her youngest asked her to help her wipe, to which my sister replied "you are a big girl, you don't need help wiping" and my niece said "Poppy (Paul) helps me do it."
This led to a conversation which ended with my niece saying that "poppy kissed her on her pee-pee and then he played with his pee-pee and white stuff came out".

The next few weeks were horrible.
We found out that Paul had been molesting all three of my nieces.
My sister and my nieces had several meetings with police and child protective services (Who all concluded, that without a doubt, the girls had been molested).
My father was devastated, to say the least.
He was battling terminal cancer, and now this.
Also, he couldn't even go be with my sister because he had to be in New York for his cancer treatment.

As if all of this wasn't bad enough, Paula, my sisters' mother, decided to stand by her husband (who, it is worth noting, admitted to the police that he had "kissed them on their labias") instead of standing by her children and her grandchildren.
Over night my sisters lost their mother and their step-father and my sister Kim had to deal with constant questions from her two girls about where Grandma and Poppy were.
My sister Lisa remains in denial about the whole thing and refuses to admit that her daughter was molested.

Over the course of the past year while we waited for Paul's trial (which kept getting delayed because our legal system likes to protect criminals) my sister Kim's two children had a ton of therapy.
During this therapy, which was at a state run facility that specializes in treating abused children, it was drilled into my nieces heads that this was not their fault, and that they did nothing wrong.
And yet, as the trial was approaching, and everyone was preparing the girls for the witness stand Kim's youngest daughter said "Mommy, can't we just say we're sorry?"
When I heard that my heart broke into a million pieces.
Even after months of therapy, these girls still thought they did something wrong. They thought they were the reason Grandma and Poppy didn't come to visit anymore.
And I wonder if, even after years of therapy, they will ever TRULY not feel guilty.

Paul finally stood trial.
My dad sat in the courtroom and watched his ex-wife get on the stand on lie through her teeth.
But, the evidence (the girls' testimony, state experts testimony, and Paul's confession) was overwhelming and Paul will be spending the rest of his life in jail.
You know what they do to child molesters in jail, don't you? I can only hope he suffers.

With the birth of my own child impending, I wonder if I will be able to protect her from something like this.
I mean, my sisters thought they were protecting their children by having family members watch them, and look what happened.

I once heard a quote that went something like this:
"Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body."

I haven't even met my child yet, but I'm starting to realize that that might be a very accurate description.

Posted by torrie at 08:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

This picture is part of a new photo series I'm doing called "The realities of pregnancy and motherhood".

Don't get me wrong- I'm thrilled to be pregnant- I just feel like most people aren't honest about what it's REALLY like to be pregnant, or to be a mother.

I'm curious-

What surprised you most about pregnancy and /or motherhood?

You don't have to have been pregnant or a mother to answer this question- if you've never been pregnant, or a mother, but watched someone else go through it, what surprised you most?

Posted by torrie at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (34)

As some of you have already noticed, I have put a new poll in the left sidebar asking whether or not you think the baby will arrive on time.
So far 6 people have voted and of those 6 people 5 have said that the baby will be late.
(* I wonder if you all are saying that because my belly looks small for six months? I'll have you know that at our last sonogram the baby was measuring 79th percentile for her "age" and on Tuesday the doctor said my fundus was measuring high for 24 weeks.)

That is so NOT FUNNY people.

I have mentioned, but haven't gone into detail, about my back problems.
Things have gotten really bad.

I am in constant pain. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Sleeping (or TRYING to) hurts. We thought my back would be bad while I was pregnant, but we just didn't think it would get this bad this soon. My due date is May 24th, which means I have almost 4 MONTHS left (if I deliver on time) because pregnancy IS NOT 9 months, it's 40 WEEKS. Which is why when I saw that 5 of you think I'm going to deliver this baby past my due date I almost threw myself out the window.

Per my doctor's orders I am not allowed to do most things. No laundry, no dishes, nothing that involves bending over, and nothing that involves lifting more than five pounds. And no more yoga.
Some of you might think that sounds fabulous, but the problem is I REALLY like my husband.
So, while most of you might enjoy getting to sit around and do nothing all day, it just makes me feel guilty. My husband works on average at least 12 hours a day. Then, he comes home and has to do the chores while I sit on my fat ass and watch. I feel helpless and useless. He, of course, has been wonderfully supportive, and never complains, which only makes me feel worse.
Life would be a lot easier if he was a dick.

Also, I am having the nesting instinct. I look around at my very cluttered apartment and I want to clean it and organize it, but I'm not allowed.

Also, I am exhausted. These days "sleeping" consists of me tossing and turning all night while my back, ribs and hips throb. On Monday night I actually got a little bit of sleep because I let myself sleep on my back. I woke up on Tuesday and I almost passed out. Nothing I did made the dizziness go away. I went to the doctor and after they made sure that the baby was OK they concluded that I was dizzy because I slept on my back. So, no more back sleeping for me. Which basically means no more sleeping for me.
That whole "catch up on your sleep before the baby comes" thing is not going to happen.

Also, I am a fucking hippie, so I refuse to take any medication for my pain while I am pregnant.
I hate that about myself. This pregnancy would be so much more enjoyable if I would just eat some fucking Pepperidge Farms cookies and pop some vicoden.

Also, hold onto your hats because this is a groundbreaking statement, INSURANCE COMPANIES SUCK ASS. They do not cover acupuncture UNLESS you are having pregnancy related nausea.
So, I am thinking of making the appointment with the acupuncturist and hoping she will join me in giving my insurance company the middle finger, and stick the needles into the places that help back pain instead of the places that help nausea.

The insurance company has, however, found it in their heart to let me go to physical therapy twice a week. I still pay a $20 co-pay for each visit, and of course massage isn't covered, but it's the only thing keeping me alive right now.

Also, I had this idea that my husband and I would really live it up and be social until the baby comes. NOT SO MUCH. We went to a party on Friday night. We were there for only two hours. I was in pain the whole time. It took all of my strength just to sit there and try to make small talk with people through gritted teeth. Going to the movies has also become torture because it is nearly impossible for me to stay in the same position for more than 15 minutes. I went to the Martha Stewart show yesterday. Between the waiting and the actual filming I spent about 3 hours sitting in a horrible, uncomfortable wooden chair. You would think that Martha Stewart would have some pillows all up in that bitch, but NOOooooo.
It was NOT a good thing.

I have received several emails and comments from well meaning people giving me suggestions for my back, so i just want to clear up a few things:

I have tried the following things to help my back pain-

A body pillow
Several other pillows
Ice
Heat
Yoga
Walking
Stretching
Deep breathing/ meditation
Physical therapy
Banging my head against the wall
(I have ordered, but have not yet received an exercise ball to sit on, and a snoogle.)

Nothing is working. This is not typical pregnancy related back pain- this is a ruptured disk.
So, I think I'm stuck with it. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will be in constant pain until the baby comes.
The only thing I ask of you is that you let me complain. It's one of the few things left that I'm actually allowed to do, and damn I'm good at it.

Posted by torrie at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)