Danger! Pregnancy!
Yes, I am still alive. I could bore you with tales from the last two weeks about pain, and almost being hospitalized, and more pain, and how I started losing weight, and the chiropractor, and the acupuncturist, and the PAIN, and the pain medication, and the ANNOYING woman who led our hospital tour, but instead I'll regale you with a tale of blood and gore (and stupidity).
Yesterday while my husband was at the gym I took a shower (see, already this is a super exciting story).
When I was finished I couldn't help but notice that the "hedges" were long overdue for a trim.
Now, normally this is not a big deal. I grab a pair of cuticle scissors or my husband's electric beard trimmer and withing a few minutes I'm "manicured", but now, a few days away from being eight months pregnant, I can't see my own crotch.
It is at this point in the story that I must mention that a couple of days earlier my husband had said he would do it for me, because he is awesome like that (he also shaves my legs for me because I can't reach them).
Rather than wait the fifteen minutes or so until my husband came home, I decided it would be a great idea to go on a blind expedition through my bottom system jungle.
So, I sat on the toilet bowl, beard trimmer in hand and started raking away. Things were going fine until- ZZZZzzzzzzzzztttttttttt.
OK, I thought, that hurt a little, but it certainly doesn't mean I should stop. I kept on raking away using the braille method until I happened to notice that there was blood all over the beard trimmer.
Uh oh.
OK, maybe NOW would be a good time to stop hacking around blindly at my crotch.
My husband came home to find me with a sheepish look on my face. When I told him what I'd done he said "for future reference, it's probably not a good idea to jam sharp pointy things(insert- ha! that's funny too-joke here) at your vagina(he uses fancy words like vagina because he's a doctor), especially when you can't see it."
He is so wise.
So, here I sit, with wounded crotch.
I can not even tell you how disconcerting it is to not be able to keep tabs on your own crotch.
I mean, God only knows what's going on down there.
Comments
You are SUCH A FREAK. "Wounded crotch" ahahahahahaha
Posted by: Fuzzball | March 26, 2007 12:13 PM
I have been there except I cut myself even when I wasn't pregnant.
Posted by: Erinn | March 26, 2007 02:00 PM
I've totally done that before, and I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant. I was drunk when it happened. And it did not feel good. Why I decided to trim (with the scissors that you are still holding hostage in your house -- nice) when I was drunk, is a mystery that we will never find out the answer to. Are you okay? Too bad you weren't able to come join us for dinner last night. It was fun.
Posted by: Andra | March 26, 2007 02:47 PM
OMG! OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: victoria winters | March 26, 2007 03:04 PM
OUCH! Oh wow...hope it gets all better soon! I can't wait to have a family of my own...but i just wish there was some way to get there without the "joys" of pregnancy.
Posted by: sometrouble | March 26, 2007 05:44 PM
What is ironic about that is that in a month or so there will be plenty of people who will be able to tell you what is going on down there, and you still won't be able to see!
Too funny.
Posted by: Jack Daniel's Rose | March 26, 2007 09:32 PM
OUCH! OUCH!
I feel your pain, but honestly, can't stop laughing. :)
Posted by: Tanya | March 26, 2007 09:56 PM
Gosh, that's funny and not funny at the same time. I can't even stand the idea of shaving myself in front of a man, I can't believe how much I'll have to compromise the day I'll be pregnant. You are a role model to me Torrie, ;-)
PS : 8 months already? wow - it will be over soon!
Posted by: itsmylife2001 | March 27, 2007 06:33 AM
That is very true. You have no clue what is going on down there girl. You could have a colony of midgets setting up shop and you just whacked down their hedges. Jeez.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | March 27, 2007 09:34 AM
oh yeah, been there too. But you could've blamed him for not doing it sooner (as I did).
Gives a whole new use for the term 'firecrotch' doesn't it?
Ha!
Posted by: janasayqua | March 27, 2007 10:45 AM
I just spit out my coffee when I read this post.
Hilarious.
Posted by: Single Jen | March 27, 2007 12:03 PM
Hee hee, get used to it, girlie, 'cos it's all downhill from here! Whole armies of people will have a better idea of what's going on down there than you... ;)
Posted by: platypus | March 27, 2007 03:30 PM
Sounds like you are truly having the pregnancy from hell!
Posted by: Mrs. Dr. Dave | March 28, 2007 01:02 PM
not to say i don't feel bad for your boo-boo...and also not to scare you or anything, but that little 'ow' hardly compares to the big 'ow' you are in for when the baby is born. that 'ow' requires stitches. down there. the difference is that you'll have this bright and shiny new little tiny person to distract you from the pain. this time...the only thing distracting you was bloody beard trimmers. ewww! but seriously, feel better soon!
Posted by: flutterbyegirl72 | March 28, 2007 03:08 PM
Ouch, you wounded your vajayjay.
I am sorry - that story is just really funny. I empathize with the whole wounded vajayjay thing because I had a papsmear yesterday and that was just SO not fun, but it's still funny. :-)
Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie | March 29, 2007 12:28 AM
Honey, do you not have a mirror? Nevermind. Leave this to the professionals from now on. (Kudos to the hubby for not taking issue with the mustache trimmer being used for this. That's love.)
Posted by: mrtl | March 29, 2007 02:10 AM
Oh my god, your blog is so funny. Maybe it's because I'm about 6 months pregnant and going through the same things! I was sick w/a god awful viral/cold thing for 2 weeks and now that I'm recovering I thought I'd take out the old trimmer too w/o being able to see a thing down there and well, Ouch!
Posted by: Lisa | April 1, 2007 12:24 PM
I never keep tabs on my crotch. Hurts too much when you rip 'em off.
Posted by: Nilbo | April 1, 2007 07:14 PM
the joys of below-the-waist hair care midst preggers... all the stories... I had a friend cry b/c she couldn't 'see it'
hang in there!
Posted by: Annejelynn | April 5, 2007 11:46 AM
*sigh* I feel you. Back when I was preggers with my son, I did a number on myself, too. My mom (who was the only person available at the time) helped me clean up. Fun times. LOL
Posted by: Blu | April 30, 2007 02:28 PM