I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not wrong or selfish, and you're certainly not a bitch. Your responses are real and they merit no explanation.

In my limited experience, I did a little crying in front of the person and a lot more crying on my own.

I tried to explain my crying when asked by saying things about how I was thinking of them - instead of focusing on my responses. I'm not explaining that well. I was trying to make it clear that if the person wanted to talk that they could. That it might make me sad to hear it, but that I was open to listening. I found that my grandparents (3 of them in the past two years) welcomed the opportunity to say exactly what you said above. That they were scared/terrified and sad and tired and wanted it to be over.

I'd say "be strong" but I found it an impossible task. Take care.

I'm so sorry.

You're not a selfish bitch, by any stretch of the imagination. Someone you love, your family, is sick and hurting and depressed. It's a struggle for him to deal with and it's a struggle for you too.

I'm not comparing situations, just sharing...I watched my Grandmother pass away a few months ago, and it was just awful. It was nerve wracking, stressful, heartbreaking. But in the end she was ready and it was remarkably peaceful. There was sadness but closure.

I understand what you are feeling and it's not at all selfish, it's human. We want peace for those we love and for ourselves.

Remember that your emotions are not "wrong" they just are. I think it's ok to cry in front of your dad, it might even help him access some of his own grief.

I love you bunny.

I know you don't know me from anyone, but your post touched my heart (and possibly made me tear up) and I feel compelled to reply. All growing up my father was sick. He was bipolar and very difficult. I came to resent him throughout high school for embarrassing things he would do in front of my friends. While I was in college he had a major breakdown and landed himself in the hospital. From there he went into a rest home and eventually a nursing home (at only 62 years old). But finally he was on medication to treat the bipolar disorder and I finally went from resentment to just love. I can't explain it completely, but my dad and I made peace before he passed away just a few short years after his major breakdown. This past January we had our first baby, a baby girl, a baby we named after my dad. You are in no way a bitch for wanting your dad to know Willa. If I could have my daughter meet one person that has passed away it would be my dad, the only grandparent my daughter will never meet or know.

And if you think you're selfish...I swore when I was in high school that I didn't like my father so much that I would never let him walk me down the aisle. Well by the time I made peace with him, it was before we were married, but he passed away suddenly just a few months after we were engaged. He really didn't walk me down the aisle on my wedding day and I regret ever thinking those thoughts in high school.

You are entitled to want your dad to know Willa. You are by no means selfish for wanting him to fight this cancer to be there to watch your daughter grow up. Our closest loved ones are what keeps us together at times and it's alright to need that. Don't ever stop fighting for your dad. He needs you now more than ever.

Sorry I went off on a bit of a tangent, but some things you said touched some memories and some things I am going through now too.

I'll be praying for your dad.

You asked for an opinion, so here it is: I think you're in a terrible situation and it's perfectly natural for you to feel the way you do, particularly because you're not just grieving for your father but also for the loss you know that Willa will suffer through not having him in your life.

If your father's mind is still as sharp as you say then I doubt you'll manage to pull the wool over his eyes by pretending everything's OK but equally you need to keep it together enough to get through the visit without it being totally negative. I'd admit to being sad and I'd say anything that I felt needed to be said and I think after that I'd see how it goes. I understand that you're angry at him for giving up and you know that's a normal reaction so you know it's OK. If he doesn't seem to show much interest in Willa then I guess it shows what that evil disease has done since you talk about all the things that he did with the other grandchildren. Maybe you'll get the opportunity for some photos of them together, even if you hate to see him as he is now. When Willa is older you can tell her all about the dad that you knew, the man that you are grieving for now.

Sending lots of love to you all. I can't imagine what you're going through and I think you're doing a great job of holding it together and being mum to a new baby. If that means you have to sneak off and cry sometimes then you go for it. Whatever it takes to get you through this.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel the way you do, because I know that is impossible. What I will say is that everything you are feeling is valid and does not make you a bad person. Your words could very easily have been mine a couple years ago - in fact, I bet if I looked at my posts about my Nana's (my grandmother who helped raise me and was likea 2nd mom) cancer there would be strong parallels. I've been there. It's hard. I look at Zoe and I see my Nana in her - her expressions, her eyebrows especially and it breaks my heart. I wish I could help people not feel that pain of loss. Cancer is horrible for what it does to the person and family and friends. I'm rambling. Hugs to you and Willa.

Peace.

Dear Torrie, all the things you are feeling are valid and normal. 2 1/2 years of illness is a long time for your dad and for everyone participating in his care. It's been tiring for everyone. Maybe I can offer you a tiny bit of hope from my experience... my aunt became mentally unstable and difficult to deal with the last 5 years of her life. It was nearly impossible to speak with her; everything sent her over the edge, so to speak. After her death, when she finally shed her body I felt closer to her, closer to the real person she had been before. When your father is at peace you will have your memories and photographs and sweet Willa will know and love her grandfather through you. It will be okay, you'll see. Until then, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I just lost my mother inlaw to cancer this January. I know how you feel! It feels wrong to say but I cried while I read your entry and just kept shaking my head, Yes". Watching my poor husband suffer in silence was horrible. Now he wishes he said more to her and talked about "things". One of his brothers did talk and he feels much peace and closure. Not that it's easier it's just wishing you had talked in hind sight is not what you want. It's almost as if your telling them you know they are dying but it's really not. They are often too cautious of our feelings to bring things up. Parents!!
Miracles happen everyday. You and your family have to hold on to hope. But being honest about your fears with your father will help him too. He sees it in your face. There may be a time when he's in so much pain then on meds that nothing will make sense anymore to him or you. My one piece of advice is not to let it go to that point. That is my regret. My son was 4 months old and her second grand baby. I just sat a nursed while she slept and tried to talk with her when she was "all there" but those moments never lasted long. My poor 3 yr old thought grandma was mad at her the whole time bx she wouldn't play with her anymore. (Crying now, damnit.)
The cancer in the liver makes them not want to eat bx everything tastes weird. It not easy to watch. It helped me to make her tasty soups that sounded good to her and just to be helpful.Trying to keep some weight on those bones. She took two months to go. And she melted away before our eyes. The day she left and moaned out those last breathes was almost relief.
My heart and all my thoughts go out to you and your family. Be a bitch, get angry. Just feel. You are human after all.

Torrie, you are not a bitch, and you are not selfish. You are human. And your father loves you and understands that this is hard for you. Just hug him and let him know how much you love him - and how much you will miss him. And don't be afraid to have the feelings you are having. You love your dad. And you can't imagine life without him. What you are experiencing can only be normal - it is just that you are admitting to the feelings that so many people have in that same situation.

And screw anyone who tells you that you are selfish. You are strong, Torrie. And your strength will get you through.

I will pray for your dad.

I think everyone has said it quite well enough, but my thoughts are with you. My grandma recently died too after a long illness, and although I loved her very much, it was bittersweet relief to see her out of her pain.

Everyone grieves in their own way and every way is good and OK. Like someone else said, the love you have for your dad will definitely be inherited by Willa.

I'm so sorry. I just had a fight with my sister last night, but this makes me put things into perspective. It doesn't matter that much. Life matters. The time you had and still have with your Dad matters. Be strong. Enjoy your time with him and I hope that Willa can bring some joy to him during this stage.

Everything you are feeling is how I have felt watching my dad get sick and eventually die in March.

It's awful girl. The only advice I can think to give is to cry and let it out. I did not cry in front of my dad at all because it would have made him feel like dog shit, but I knew that he knew how much he is and was loved and always would be. If you think maybe your dad is needing to see some emotion, then by all means, girl, let it OUT.

And please try not to beat yourself up. I got angry. I was angry at him for the smoking. I was angry because my future kids will never know their paw paw. I was angry because of all the unfairness of it. Don't make excuses for how you feel. It is what it is. Feel it and live with it for a while. That's truly the only way to try to come to peace with any of it.

You are a good daughter and despite all of this shit, your dad is lucky to have you and your bro.

I am pregnant with my first child and lost my Mom to cancer 5 years ago. I would give anything to have my mom meet my son just once. She died only 3 months after diagnosis, but I can relate to all the worry and stress that comes with dealing with a loved one with cancer and how it was all so strange when that worry and stress just ended when she passed. I hope you get your miracle, but please say everything you want to say to him now, as I wish I did.

Never feel guilty for how you feel. Easier said than done, I know. My brother was in a horrific car accident right before Christmas and there was a period of time where I wished he were dead - because at least then, the pain would be gone (for everyone) and we would know how things would be. I feel horrible for having felt this way but that's how I really felt. Those feelings come from tremendous amounts of stress combined with not sleeping, eating, not anything...I commend you for expressing yourself. I hope you experienced some peace as a result - you deserve it.

i lost my brother february 25th to melanoma and then three days later on the 28th my died of lung cancer.. when my brother was diagnosed they gave him one month to live.. my mom died 6 weeks after her diagnoses... she died because she could not bury a child.. even if he was 50... my brother and i cried together..we talked about our childhood memories... i cried with my mom...i told them both in the end to let god take them... this has been the hardest 5 months of my life.. somedays i dont want to go on... talk to your dad... cry, maybe he is waiting for you... when people are dying they try to protect the people they love the most from the pain of there dying....i will keep you in my prayers.. i know all so well the pain of watching someone you love more then life dying... oh yeah... i knew my youngest would never remember my mom or brother... so i taped there voices for her... my brother did a full 45 minutes of telling bella how much he loved her and all of the things they had done together.. my mom did the same... i listen to them all of time... sometimes i just need to hear there voices...

I don't think you can do anything wrong at this point. To cry, not to cry. It's hard to know what to do. Don't feel guilty - just feel. Good, bad, sad, relieved, guilty - just continue to feel.

I don't have any advice and I don't know how you feel but my heart DOES go out to you and also my friend JM whose Dad is dying of cancer as we speak.
Why is it that when one thing begins another ends or vice versa? Why can't we just always be in the comfortable "middle" of life?
*hugs* *tears* *more hugs*

You are not a bitch. Not at all.

I went through a similar experience last year, but over a much shorter time frame.

I just can't imagine, how tough it is to go through 2.5 years of it.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

it's heartbreaking - - cancer is such a horrible, devastating road to travel... my mother was terminal for 15 years - !?! Never out of remission longer than 2 years... sllloooowly getting worse, but not bad enough to kill her just yet. It was horrible. I feel for you. If I could do anything differently, had I known my mother was dying (no one told me and she'd been sick my whole life, so I didn't realize what was happening), I would have told her that I would miss her and that it hurt me, seeing her sick (and it did, I just didn't know that that time, it was killing her). Over the 12 yrs I knew her, she'd received 3 of 5 letters telling her she had a year left, at best. The last letter she received was her last year, but I didn't believe it'd happen, because it hadn't before. If I could have known, I would have told her that although she wouldn't be around to see my kids, I would try to teach them everything she'd taught me. Oh my - I've got fat tears rolling. Torrie, I'm so sorry. I would encourage you to lovingly let him know how you feel before it's too late to do so - it could be more painful later if you don't let some of it out (although the blog is a great vehicle and certainly better than keeping it all in).

I haven't read anyone else comment so this may be a repeat of someone else. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. You are not selfish. You are sad and feel helpless. My only advice to you is to let your emotions out, tell you father everything you want to tell him and live the emotions full on if you can. My mother passed away suddenly less than two years ago and I never got to tell her everything I wanted to. Even when she was alive and I was upset with her, I would keep it in and not talk to her about it. A lot of things went unresolved. I wish I had talked to her. My son is 4 months old and will never know his grandmother. I am sad about that but I will tell him all the wonderful stories I know and show him photos of her and he will know her through me.

I think that you and your father will find a lot of comfort if you talked to each other about how you felt. Maybe take this time to make something special for Willa, like have your father read a favorite book for her and make a recording so that you'll always have that and she can listen to it and know that is grandfather.

Don't ever think you are selfish. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. It's so so hard.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Take care,
Aimee

I can't find words, so I'll send hugs.