RIP
My dad died on Saturday.
I visited him on Friday (my birthday) and he wasn't doing very well. I asked him if he wanted me to cancel my weekend trip and he said to me "That's the last thing I want you to do. Go have fun."
I spoke to his doctor and asked her if I should cancel my trip and she said "I haven't placed him on critical watch yet, so I think he'll be fine through the weekend." I asked her how much longer she thought he had and she said "A week. Two weeks top."
I sat in the chair next to my dad's bed and wept while he was sleeping.
I kissed my dad on the forehead, said I would be back Monday morning, told him I loved him, and left the hospital.
I reluctantly left for my trip to Massachusetts on Friday night. II was supposed to sing at the Guthrie Center on Saturday night. It took us 4 1/2 hours to drive there, through pouring rain. We got there at 11:30pm.
On Saturday morning at 10am I got a call from the hospital saying that my dad's blood pressure was low and they were going to place him on critical watch to be cautious. I asked his doctor if I should drive back and she said "If you're asking me if I think he'll die today the answer is no, but there's always a possibility. Why don't you call me back at 3:00 to check on him because I will have re-evaluated him by then."
At 3pm I called and the nurse told me the doctor wouldn't be available until 4pm.
At 4pm I was breast feeding Willa when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to tell me my father had died.
My first instinct was to feel guilty about the fact that my father died alone.
But the more people I talk to, the more I'm starting to believe that my father didn't want me to watch him die.
My nephew told me that when I was out of the room when we visited him on Wednesday, my father said to him "I'm in a lot of pain. I don't have much longer. Don't tell Torrie , I don't want to ruin her Birthday."
Another thing that in a strange way made me feel better is that my dad's dog died on Thursday. He was nine years old, had no known medical problems, and had just been walking around and wagging his tail that morning. He just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Thursday was the day my dad really started to go downhill (I think he waited until Saturday to let go because he didn't want to ruin my Birthday). I think his dog just didn't want to live without him. We didn't tell my father that his dog died. They are together now.
I have spent the last three days visiting the funeral home, writing lists, making DOZENS of phone calls, and planning two memorial services. All with a baby suckling at my breast. You can't imagine how hard it is to call people and tell them that their friend died. My dad had a lot of friends.
I am on auto-pilot. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that my father is gone.
Tomorrow The New York Times will be doing a featured obituary on my dad. I'll try to link to it if I can.
* Update- they didn't make it to press in time. I think it will be in tomorrow's paper. I'll update when they let me know.
I have had several people people ask me where they can make a donation in my dad's honor.
Here are two options:
The American Cancer Society
or
The QAR project
You have no idea how much all of your kind words and support have meant to me.
*Update-Here's an article about my dad.
Comments
Torrie
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. Your father was so brave thru his pain and still wanted you to have the happiest of birthdays. That just shows how much he loved you.
I hope and pray these next few days get easier for you. If there is anything I can do from Texas, let me know!
Posted by: Aimee | August 22, 2007 12:46 AM
I am so, so very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Annika | August 22, 2007 12:59 AM
Once again, Torrie, I am thinking of you and wishing you the best in this time of sadness. It is wonderful that you had such good times with your dear father - and how lucky he was to have such an amazing daughter...
I cried when I read the part about his beloved pet dying... they are good tears, though. I know for a fact that animals can sense death, and your father's little friend obviously wanted to remain with his master. I can guarantee that your father was greeted in Heaven by his faithful friend.
God bless you, Torrie. Your strength through this is amazing, and I truly admire you. Your dad was blessed to have you as his daughter.
Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie | August 22, 2007 01:15 AM
I am very sorry for your loss- what a wonderful picture of your dad you have posted. Hang in there-be strong- you are a great daughter.
Posted by: Carrie | August 22, 2007 01:27 AM
I am very sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I wish and your family strength at this time.
Posted by: Tanya | August 22, 2007 05:40 AM
Beautiful picture of your dad and his dog, thank you for posting it. It was nice putting a face to the story...
We just lost one of our dogs last night, a 15 yr old beagle we'd only had for 2 years.
The connection and devotion between human and dog is remarkable... It is comforting to know his friend was there for him at the bridge - what a wonderful surprise for him!
You're in my thoughts...
diana
Posted by: diana | August 22, 2007 08:31 AM
Ah, darlin' ... I'm so sorry for your loss. In our conversations about your Dad I got a sense not of just how amazing he was as a person - adventurer, explorer, dreamer - but of his importance to you as a guide, a shoulder, and a pillar.
I'm entirely unsurprised that he waited until you were away to cross over. I would look on it as a last act of generosity on his part.
I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad your Dad's spirit has been released from the body that betrayed him in the end. Freed from that prison, it can travel now to all the places he loved, and I am guessing that your Dad will spend a lot of time watching over you and Willa.
Posted by: Nilbo | August 22, 2007 08:49 AM
Torrie, I am so sorry for your loss. Although we are internet strangers, my heart is heavy for you and your family. You are a remarkable woman. It is easy to tell you are loved by many. Your dad would be proud of how you are dealing with all of this....breast baby and all :)
Posted by: Christina | August 22, 2007 09:15 AM
I've never commented before, but I had to tell you I am so sorry for your loss.
My mom died of cancer 5 years ago and I was supposed to go visit her & my dad the night before she died, but I decided to put off my trip until the following morning. She died overnight I think to spare me from seeing her.
The fact that your dad's dog died 2 days before gave me the shivers. Wow.
Posted by: Erin | August 22, 2007 09:20 AM
I only started reading your blog recently but have been captivated by your stories. It is amazing at how many ways humans manage to connect...on all levels. Your father may be physically gone, but he will never leave your side in spirit. Souls do not leave the earth- they live among us, guide us...give us warmth and love when we need them. Grieve his death but love his life...and share stories of him with Willa whenever you miss him. She needs to feel his presence as much as you will need to share it.
Posted by: Marie | August 22, 2007 09:22 AM
i am so sorry for your loss. i recently lost my dad and know these words, while comforting, aren't a very good replacement for a daddy, but they're all i can give you.
Posted by: heather | August 22, 2007 09:34 AM
I am so sorry. :( At least he's not in pain anymore, and at least he has his dog.
Also, I don't mean to be a lurker... I just like to read. But I'm here.
Posted by: Blu | August 22, 2007 09:39 AM
Torrie- know that you are not alone.There are so many of us out here that have been through similiar pain. We are all here for you. In our thoughts and prayers. Remember that Willa is your sunshine and she will see you through.....
Posted by: londak | August 22, 2007 09:45 AM
Oh, Torrie,
as soon as I saw that you'd updated I knew that your Dad had passed. I wish I could just give you a hug, because there is just nothing I can say that would help at all.
It's all over for him, and considering what he suffered, my God, what a relief. But I know that's cold comfort to someone who's lost her Daddy. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: Type (little) a | August 22, 2007 09:50 AM
Dear Torrie, I'm so sorry to hear this. I think you're right, your father didn't want you to watch him go. May your heart be strong.
Love
Posted by: mrtl | August 22, 2007 09:54 AM
Sweetie; I believe what your cousin said. It is so true how they can hold out the process when it comes to family members.
I weep for you but smile at the thought of your Dad and his dog meeting up again.
Posted by: sarcastic journalist | August 22, 2007 10:16 AM
I have a baby sucking at my breast all day long too, I know how hard it is to get things done and I don't even have the HUGE responsibility that you do.
I'm sorry for your loss but your father is in a better place now and I hope that brings you comfort. I lost my mom and telling my son stories about my mom brings me comfort. Perhaps the same will be for you when you tell Willa about her grandfather.
Posted by: Aimee | August 22, 2007 10:32 AM
So sorry for you. (((HUGS)))
Posted by: Tammy | August 22, 2007 10:34 AM
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers, hon. Love and hugs to you.
Posted by: LadyBug | August 22, 2007 10:44 AM
Torrie,
I've been reading your blog for a year now. I laugh at your funny stories, I tear up at the sad ones and I jumped for joy when you told us Willa was coming. And now, I'm sitting at my desk, crying my eyes out. My sympathies to you, and all those who are affected.
Posted by: Krissi | August 22, 2007 10:47 AM
Oh Torrie. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.
I am sending you a little peace, hon.
Posted by: southernfriedgirl | August 22, 2007 11:00 AM
I, too, just started reading your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. My sympathies and positive thoughts to you and your family.
~ rosie
Posted by: rosalicious | August 22, 2007 11:20 AM
When my Nana left us hugs were the one thing that always made me feel a little better. So that's what I'm sending you: lots and lots of hugs.
Posted by: Keely | August 22, 2007 11:32 AM
Torrie, I am so sorry for your loss. Your Dad sounds like a fine man. Heaven is better off for him being there. Hugs to you.
Posted by: CircusKelli | August 22, 2007 11:46 AM
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Jessie Mae | August 22, 2007 11:49 AM
So sorry about your Dad.
Godspeed to him and his furry friend.
Posted by: Doreen | August 22, 2007 11:58 AM
My deepest sympathies to you and your family, I am so sorry. Your visit with him on Friday was your goodbye and what made it easier for him to pass. He will always be with you.
Posted by: cloudy | August 22, 2007 01:10 PM
Torrie, I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. May your happy memories of your father give you comfort when you need it.
Posted by: candace | August 22, 2007 01:11 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mr. Torrie and Willa.
Posted by: Ern | August 22, 2007 01:29 PM
Deepest condolences to you and your family. Even though we're internet strangers, I know that you will be as great a role model and parent to your daughter as your father was to you. I know that because I stayed up reading your archived blog entries last night (on this site, blogger doesn't seem to work). Whatever you're feeling, it's okay. Just take one thing at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posted by: Moshizzle | August 22, 2007 02:50 PM
What a lovely photo of your Dad. So sorry for you all, but I am in the camp that does believe that a loved one will hold out to NOT pass away when we are with them. It's happened in my family too.
Peace.
Posted by: angela marie | August 22, 2007 03:28 PM
Oh sweetie. My father died four years ago from cancer and I related with so much empathy to your posts. Please do not feel guilty that he died alone. You did so much for him. And it was time--a relief for him too, I think. His dog must have sensed it.
Take care of yourself. xo!
Posted by: christina | August 22, 2007 03:30 PM
I'm very sorry about your father.
Posted by: working | August 22, 2007 04:51 PM
I'm sorry for your loss.
Posted by: M&Co. | August 22, 2007 07:28 PM
My prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: andiepie | August 22, 2007 07:50 PM
Wishing you peace-
Posted by: Kathy | August 22, 2007 08:03 PM
torrie, i am so sorry... i know your pain.. my mom also died by choice i beleive.....we were there all day... she would say over and over how tired she was... she asked us to leave... we were home 15 minutes and got the call that she had died....please dont feel guilty.... he left this earth the way he had planned... i am sooooo sorry..i will be making a donation in honor of your fathers life...i will keep you in my prayers.... although i dont know you and have never met your father, i am sobbing as i am writing this... i know your pain so well.. saturday will be 6 months since my brother died and then tuesday 6 months for my mom..i am soooo sorry!!!
Posted by: gina | August 22, 2007 10:18 PM
Torrie, I am so sorry for your pain. My father too passed away before I could make it home. He knew I could not take that moment. I have a vision of your dad being greeted on the other side by his dog.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-sesame
Posted by: Rachel | August 23, 2007 12:07 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Mrs. Dr. Dave | August 23, 2007 12:46 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2001 and I can appreciate the pain you are feeling right now. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Remember him with smiles and laughter, for that is how he will remember you!!!
Posted by: Li'l Foot's Mommy | August 23, 2007 10:18 AM
There's nothing I can say other than "I'm sorry."
Posted by: Farrell | August 23, 2007 12:10 PM
Hi Torrie,i've always lurked on your site and read your posts and this is my first time commenting.I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you can get through your fathers passing.My thoughts are with you.
Posted by: stephanie | August 23, 2007 01:30 PM
Big fat tears falling in Vegas for you and your family, Torrie. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Annejelynn | August 23, 2007 08:40 PM
Torrie, I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Pam | August 24, 2007 12:57 PM
Oh, Torrie. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I pray that your father will be ushered to heaven and will rest easy now. I pray that you and your Willa and your husband will make it through the grieving process and come out stronger. Love and peace, dear.
Posted by: victoria winters | August 24, 2007 03:41 PM
I am sorry.
Posted by: SC Todd | August 24, 2007 04:05 PM
I am so sorry for your loss, my best wishes go with you.
"merry meet, merry part and merry meet again"
Posted by: Jamie | August 25, 2007 11:18 AM
I'm a new reader. My birthday is Aug. 19. My mom died earlier this year, from a fight similar to your father's. She was only 50. I was numb for a while, also, and planned, organized and directed a lot of the action when she died. It really sucks. The best people in my life have told me that nothing anyone says or does will make it any better, or easier. And, as a social worker(and a human) I also believe that your father didn't want you there when he died, many people want to die alone. My mom died early in the morning, with her mom by her bedside. We were all sleeping. You are brave and beautiful and will honor your father in how you raise Willa. And it sucks that he won't be here for her. It will never be okay, but it will be alright.
Posted by: Shana | August 25, 2007 06:16 PM
Torrie, I am sorry. I hope he is at peace, now. And I hope you are able to rest a bit and recover from the tremendous stress you've been under.
Posted by: W. Lotus | August 25, 2007 07:49 PM
I am so sorry about your loss. I can understand how you feel about your dad and his dog. I know it does not help lessen the sorrow but perhaps they are sitting on a porch or running through a park, full of energy again.
Posted by: Andrea | August 27, 2007 03:50 PM
In my thoughts...
Posted by: doahleigh | August 27, 2007 06:19 PM
I`m so sorry for your loss. I read the article and he seemed like a wonderful man. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Posted by: Anette | August 28, 2007 03:10 AM
sending my condolences. i lost my mom three months ago, also to cancer and after watching her suffer. my therapist told me two valuable things-take everything one day at a time, and give yourself permission to mourn. i'm so sorry for your loss.
Posted by: j | September 4, 2007 10:59 PM
Sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Mrs. Wooden Nickels | September 13, 2007 02:10 PM
Hi Torrie. I stumbled across your page from Cute Overload. I was first amazed just looking at your beautiful Willa and Dexter photos. Then I saw this post and it brought me to tears. I am so sorry for your loss.
Your dad was an amazing person...he wanted you to remember him healthy and happy and not have you there to watch him die. I have no conception of how incredibly devastating it would be to lose my father but I just wanted to give you my deepest sympathies. I hope it is comforting to know that he is with his beloved dog.
I hope you and your family remain strong and cherish all of the wonderful memories you have of your dad.
Jenny
Posted by: Jenny | September 14, 2007 11:02 PM