Thank you for this blog. I haven't updated my blog on a regular basis for about 2 years. I had started enjoying life more and had been posting mostly good things in my blog. I slowly got less and less comments. Then one day something bad happened and I posted about that. All of a sudden I had all kinds of comments, but as soon as I went back to being happy again it was like no one cared.

It's a slightly different take on what you talked about, but it hurt me that my friends only cared if I was suffering as much as they were. I even had a "friend" tell me that he didn't want to see me be around my boyfriend or talk about him unless he had a boyfriend and was happy as well.

I don't understand what society has come to and it makes me sad sometimes :-/

Dude, you can totally hate me for my superfly fabulous life. It ain't every girl who gets to spend New Years in bed with a roll of toilet paper and a bottle of Advil. Plus I have that super hot non-existent boyfriend and that insane smoking bod. Go ahead. Hate all you want. I SO don't blame you. ;)

I love you, babe. This was a great post and I'm glad you wrote it. *hugsnorgles*

we talked about this way back when you were in town, and i still completely agree with you. in general on the internet it does seem like there are many who seek company in misery, or at least who are looking for someone to understand something they're going through. not that there's anything wrong with that (i think most of us have utilized the internet in this way at least at some point), but yes i get annoyed when people hate on others via blogs when they DON'T relate to them.

i guess i don't understand why it should bother anyone as much as it seems to in some cases. if it weren't for the internet, they wouldn't even know those people existed! i imagine that if someone is jealous or confrontational with others online, they likely are that way in real life, too...

1) You just gave me a BlogHer post idea. So thank you for that.

2) I just spent two days doing this Q&A series where I was essentially accused of being frivolous and self indulgent due to how I spend my money. As a personal finance blogger, I open myself up to that criticism but there is still that part of me that wants to yell out 'You're only getting a SNAPSHOT'. You have no CLUE as to how much money I have or make or save or spend on expensive ballet flats so don't get pissy with me about it. At first I was really sensitive about it then I realized that money is just a sensitive issue. People find me frivolous because I am a single woman with no children who buys things. Well hello, I have no children and I'm single of course I have a disposable income.

I was going to go on but if you can't tell the whole thing frustrates me to pieces. People need to move away from their tunnel vision sight to see the bigger picture.

P.S. I like you. Lots.

Torrie, I'm sorry you have to justify your spending and/or life at all.

People are dicks.

I find myself self censoring both on my blog and in person, ESPECIALLY about money stuff.

At my birthday party this year, my mother's friend was bitching (more accurately, HARRANGING)at me that I don't send enough pictures of the baby. AND she's not happy that she doesn't get a framed professional picture (at least 5x7) several times a year.

When I pointed out that maybe the burden of photo processing could maybe me shared, seeing as I post almost everything on Flickr or Shutterfly, her respose was that maybe I should cancel my satellite radio if I'm having money trouble. This was about 10 minutes after my husband proudly showed her the birthday gift he'd gotten me, the satellite radio thingy.

What I wanted to say was that maybe I should kick her out of the restaurant so I wouldn't have to pay for my meal.

Great post, Torrie. I find myself wanting to not write about all the good stuff sometimes and that's no fair. I found myself saying "yeah!" to nearly every paragraph here.

My husband and I were having a conversation last night that seems to be related to this topic. We concluded that there seem to be two basic worldviews where these things are concerned -- one of scarcity, or one of abundance. If you live (in your mind) in a world of scarcity, then someone else getting something that you wish you had is an affront to you. Their having it somehow lessens the likelihood of your getting it. If you look at the world from an "abundance" perspective, then there is enough good stuff for everyone, and someone else's getting it gives you hope that maybe someday you'll get it, too. So someone else's good fortune is cause for celebration, not sadness. Through many, many years of infertility, that was my perspective. Someone else having a baby gave me tremendous joy, because it only meant that God was still in the business of giving out babies. Only good news, for me. It really is a matter of making a decision as to how you choose to look at things.
Enjoy all your successes and blessings, Torrie, whether earned, gifted, whatever.
As for the competitive misery thing, I think the only good reason to share our own heartaches when someone else is talking about theirs, is just to say, "I know a little bit about what you're going through. I'm here if you want to talk."

Don't assume things. You can't possibly know all the details from one (or even several) blog entries.

I have to come out of "lurker mode" to thank you for writing this. All of it, not just the sentence above, but it's so true.

I'm with Type a above me - People suck.
Esp. when it comes to money.
I haven't blogged for some time, so my experience is real life.
My best friend of about 25 years - I can't tell her ANYthing about our money situation. She's doing better than she used to, as are we. But the fact that I'm able to stay home now, and not "have" to work like she does has brought many unpleasant passive-aggressive comments from her.
I feel like I can't "brag"/share anything that in any way involves money - a present my husband gives me, a weekend in NYC....

I usually read the comments on your blogs, but I guess not close enough to know which nasty ones you're talking about...
But I'll just tell you this - even tho we haven't met IRL yet, I update my husband on you like we're best buds. "Torrie wrote the funniest Twitter today... Look at this adorable new pic of Willa... Torrie lost her dad and wrote the sweetest post today..."
I, for one, am always happy for your successes and whatnot, and wish I could help on the other stuff (I'd totally dogwalk Dexter and babysit Willa Sue if I lived closer)

Thanks for eloquently sharing your thoughts tho... always good for people to take a minute and look in the mirror, and see how they come across to others.

Amen sister!

Too often, blog writers and readers alike forget what is really important. They forget that being part of a dialogue, of a movement, of ANYTHING requires patience, etiquette, and compassion. I love that throughout your own trials, you have never lost sight of this fact. Misery loves company, but it isn't necessarily company one wants to keep. Thanks for reminding us all why we started in the first place.

Yes! Great post. I have encountered this in real life as well and I find it...odd. We should be supportive and happy and not, well, dicks, but it doesn't seem to work like that most of the time.

I second that first "Amen sister!" :)

If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all, right? Why don't people GET this online? It's beyond me how some people think it's okay to be hateful online. Bizarre.

Nice site! Just found you via a Twitter.

Amen, sister.

Also: almost all of what you said applies to offline-life, too. Why is misery and suffering a competition? So strange.

I agree with you 110%. You are so right about everything. I love it.
Good for you!
~Michele

I actually quit blogging due to people saying hateful things and thinking that they "knew" me and a huge cloud of general ugliness. I do still read (obviously) but I studiously avoid the negativity.

And luckily I am waaaaaay too dumb to realize what constitutes a "nice" camera or whatever. I'm always just all "Oh, cool picture." LOLOL

Sometimes ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

That being said, I covet your dog.

There. I said it.

Now gimme.

:)

I completely agree with you. I have to say I've always thought everyone's battles are different, suffering is the same, and everyone goes through it in a different form according to their life. It doesn't take AWAY from another. Comparing emotions is useless cause really, our lives are all so different....and thank god.

Spot on my lovely.

Your right its normal to be envious/jelous, thats human nature, to want what we dont have. However as grown-ups (and most blog readers are) we have the advantage of thinking before we type. So even tho Im thinking "Im so jelous you have a beautiful baby and I cant have one" Im saying "Your so lucky, she is beautiful and smart. Thank you for sharing her with the Internets".
I dont care what you have or even how you got it. You share your struggles and your good times.
You deserve all the good the world has to give, as does everyone.

Fantabulous post :)
xx

Some people's empathy is a form of upstaging, and they're completely clueless about how inappropriate it can be.

Others are just drama- and hate-mongering whores, fully aware of what they're doing and oblivious to the feelings of others.

I applaud you for not posting these comments, giving them any more attention, which would surely result in your more honorable followers grabbing their torches and hounds. More drama! Woot!

It sucks that you have to read them. You know they don't know you. Try your best to ignore them. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

p.s. The picture was beautiful!

I totally agree with you, and the get all insecure wondering if maybe I have been guilty of bithyclogger syndrome. Probably. :0P

Oh yeah the Nikon thing is flipping awesome BTW! I had a photo put on Jones Soda! Cept' they didn't send me any free soda. And I said bitchy clogger. hehehe

Rock on.

Don't people remember: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?

Of course folks can critique, debate, etc. but when personal attacks and ad hominems come out, then it's just not okay. Someone else will always have it better, worse, or the same. Period.

Fortunately, my blog is wildly...unpopular so no worries about personal attacks. Your blog, however, FABULOUS!

I think this "trend" has been going on since, oh, I don't know, the advent of humanity, but I agree with you that it sucks.

Which is why this post is one of my favorites of all time:
http://finslippy.typepad.com/finslippy/2005/02/heres_where_i_g.html

Love.

I really like this post, and I could not agree more with it.

That's my New Year's resolution... not to be so negative. I hope I can break myself of the habit! Thanks for the post!!!!

The thing about misery is that you can't be miserable unless you're spreading it around. It's also really hard to fuel the fires of insecurity and fear unless you're trying to take down all the happy people around you. I learned that lesson from watching my mom make the rest of our family miserable. I also learned from the Dalai Lama that your feelings are almost entirely within your control. That the best way to deal with negative feelings is to accept them, understand them and let them go. Don't give those miserable, insecure people even an iota of influence over your happiness and well-being.

It has always amazed me how someone can search out or even stumble on someone's blog, read it, and then leave cruel, ignorant, and judgemental comments. I realize the nature of (most) blogs is that they are public, but it would seem like common sense to click off of someone's page if you don't like what you are reading.

I think the internet gives certain insecure, bitter, and unhappy people a way they can spew their vitriol and not experience the immediate negative consequences (like getting their ass kicked). It is cowardly and sad.

People who are by nature empathetic and compassionate also seem to be extra-sensitive to the criticisms and judgements of others. I for one take everything personally and dwell too much on what others think. I admire you greatly for what you do choose to share on your blog in the face of what you sometimes get back. =)

What a wonderful and insightful blog. Thanks for sharing a your much appreciated perspective.

Yeah people are jerks.

reminds me of Debbie Downer (from SNL)!

Right on, sister.

May all the yucky people be sentenced to (gently) clean the dingleberries from very hairy, very shaggy dogs.

Luckily though, ALL people DON'T suck. :)

My mom used to say that all suffering is personal--it's ALL suffering.

(And we appreciated never being told that "children were starving somewhere.")

Well said.

Well said indeed! Everyone needs to chill.

that was so incredibly well said!! blog people and real life people...so quick to judge...well, i haven't encountered it, in my blog life...only in real life. but, no one really knows the truth...unless you tell them. even then, they may not be getting the whole truth!
this is my first time here...i'll be back!!

First time poster, and I didn't read any of the other comments, but hooray, and yes, you are so right. I read my favorite blogs because they interest me, and I like hearing about other points of view. As you said, I may not always agree with a choice of action or a point of view, but I'm an observer, and it's not my life to live. I'm a peeping tom, if you will. Live and let live. You're doing a phenomenal job.

Fantastic. I really couldn't agree more.

I am always shocked when I read haters' comments on blogs and wonder why they are wasting their time reading.

Hey this is a great post. I have avoided, mostly, posts on my blog that would "reveal" money stuff. My husband is a financial planner and comes from a wealthy family. He was making a modest amount when he first entered his field but EVERYONE assumed we were rolling in it because he was in finance!!!

Now, we are very blessed, but we know it and are still careful with money. And I feel some guilt about it too actually.

My comments (I'm pretty new to blogging) have been really positive but I imagine that won't last forever.

Great post.

I just googled "I hate everything" because I was feeling pissy and wanted to know that I wasn't the only one doing so. I love Google for that and I love this post. It hit the spot(s). Haven't come across your blog before but will check back.

I really never get the "at least you..." come back. Yes, it can get worse, but behind it there's sort of a superiority complex.

Or when I'm having a bad day and someone says "well, at least you're not in Darfur," I'm supposed to think that I'm somehow better? No. And, actually, thanks jerk. Now I have to be reminded about how depressing that is on top of my already crappy day.

Very interesting post and I hear what you are saying, but I guess everyone is entitled to suffer and to be happy AND to share their suffering or happiness - maybe they just go about telling others in the wrong way. Why would you want to blog and not hear other's comments - both positive and negative. You express your feelings, they express their feeling too. I too question humanity but we are all part of it. Often I hear, "why do people do such and such?" But the truth is, we all do "such and such." You have had a terrible experience and others have too - your blog reminded them of it and they want to share as well. So maybe it's not who is suffering the most but just a way to share with others who might care.

right on. though, sometimes i think people come off as competing with their suffering by mentioning it, when really they may be trying to connect with you or in essence say 'i kind of know what you are going through because i've endured something awful too.' or, its a failed and ridiculous attempt to cheer you up with 'hey it could have been worse.' most people are not as good at communicating as they think they are.

that aside, i hate judgemental fucktards. its unfortunate one can't help but come into contact with an uncanny amount of such people on the internet where every idiot under the sun has a public and anonymous voice.

You wrote: "...So, while someone might have something that you covet, I'm sure that you have something that they want as well."
This is exactly what I needed to read today. I've had a few horrible days and this made me realize that I need to take a step back and be grateful for the things I have. Great blog, by the way. Take care.

I was just passing through your blog in search of "100 things about me" posts and found this one post via a sort of click through around your blog, same as I've been doing with about half the blogs that have come up on the Google results pages. And, you know, this particular entry really gave me pause.

Yours is the second blog I've encountered from a native New Yorker, and at first I thought I was going to hate that because, as a Middle American, I automatically go into inferiority complex mode when dealing with someone from NYC. But then this entry hit me and I recalled something from a previous entry I read, one where you were raving on about moving to the suburbs, and I thought: You know, I got some good from being where I've come from. I have always lived in houses, never in apartments. I don't recall a time without spacious front and back yards. I never had to live in tight quarters nor deal with a surfeit of rudeness that would come from living so close to so many people, and then I thought about how you were so excited to get the chance to garden and my many recollections of helping my dad out with gardening and, while it can get a bit worrisome fretting over the status of one's lawn in a very hot and sun-drenched climate (I live in the Sun Belt), it is also nice when the weather's been cooperating and the grass is green and you see all these squirrels scampering about and beautiful doves fly atop your back yard trees.

Secondly, I thought of how you were talking about the competition of grief and loss, and, well, I too know where you're coming from. I lost my father when I was 23 and it was absolutely devastating to me, but one of the biggest blows I will always carry is what one of my cousins said to me. Well, she didn't say it directly to me, just indirectly via her mother. Her mother was the one who told me about my cousin's comments that "at least I got to know my father," since her father had been divorced from her mother since she was a toddler. I have never forgotten those words nor how they wounded me. Her father's still living. She's still got the chance to get to know him and connect with him. I will never, as hard as I try, get to have even one millisecond more with my dad. And, to top it off, the last three years I had with my dad were preoccupied by his battle with terminal cancer. "At least I got to know my father"? Not nearly for the time I'd have liked to. And, as far as I'm concerned, if you had any sort of decent relationship with one of your parents and you end up losing them before your own estimated life span is halfway through, it is unquestionably heartbreaking.

And going back to envy and covetousness, you are right when you say you don't know what the other person is going through. Someone who is living in deep misery could be effectively covering it up with a smile. Beauty does not solve everything -- Gia Carangi was IMO the most beautiful woman who ever lived and look how sad her life was. There will always be someone more intelligent, wittier, more graceful, more accomplished than you. The thing that counts is to make yourself live up to the expectations of what YOU alone expect from yourself. It is not healthy to compare oneself to others. It took me a long time to learn this but now that I have, I am so much more comfortable with who I am. I still have things to work on -- I dare not reveal which state I come from, for one -- but this is all a part of the maturation and confidence-building process. And the last step in my journey, finding love, will be an intensely difficult one, but like everything else I am suffused with the confidence that I will find out how to make it happen.

Continue to be confident in who you are. And don't let anyone try to trump you in the mourning game. The thing that counts is that you lost your father at a time period when one doesn't normally lose a parent and you are entitled to all the surrounding grief and sadness that follows. And continue to have fun in the garden. That can be therapeutic if you wish it to be.