I am so sorry for your pain. I know it well, I lost my mother to cancer in January and buried her on my Birthday. I was with my mother during her last days, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.
There are so many questions that can never be answered...
They say time holds the key, and I pray it does. I guess we just have to remember our loved ones are no longer suffering and that the last thing that they would ever want us to do is suffer too.
As you open your heart for healing, please remember that you are not alone.
God Bless!

Torrie - my mom died (cancer) 2 1/2 years ago. This morning I woke up, saw the date and flashed on exactly where I was and what I was doing (getting mom set up in hospice care), 2 years ago. I can't let go, either. I don't know if we ever will be able to. I'm so sorry.

My mother died when I was 18, now I'm 47 and I still can't get her out of my head.

Oh and if you're wondering where I came from...my wife reads you.

I don't know that you will ever totally get that image out of your head, but you just have to try as hard as you can to concentrate on the wonderful memories you do have of him. And while it was horrible for you to have to see him like he was, I am sure he appreciated you being there. You are a wonderful daughter.

Have you thought of joining a support group of some sort? Sometimes just talking about things helps.

I know how you feel. I have the similar visions of my mother and it haunts me too. I, too, have come to terms I believe but I still have these days when the vision of the last time I saw her pops in my head. I don't know what that really means?

Anyway, I just wanted to write and say that I know how you feel.

Hug that sweet baby of yours. When I get this feeling, I find comfort hugging my son.

Oh Torrie. I'm sorry that these images are flashing in your mind. I've been doing some grief counseling about my own cancer situation. Even through I am fine now the pain and anxiety is still there at times. I highly recommend it. There are actually grief facilitators with whole programs out there but even a couple therapy sessions can help a lot.

Hugs.

Torrie,
My mom was killed in a car accident 8 years ago. I HAD to actually see her in her casket before the funeral, because I kept looking for her in stores and in other peoples cars while driving. I remembered that image of my mom for a long time after that but now I only remember her as she was before the accident. I also have extremely weird dreams about her still. Usually the dreams are about finding her hiding out from us in an exotic vacation location. And the best piece of advice I received after she died was "you can't take back or redo anything in your relationship now, so don't waste your time on those moments. Spend your time on the good moments."

My dad died in April '95.
Of course, it was incredibly hard at that time, and later in the summer when I went to clean out his trailer in Florida...
what surprised me was a year later, I was suddenly having a LOT of trouble dealing with it.
I'd spent a lot of summers with him down there, and summer day in Indiana, I looked up and the sky had the same kind of billowy, cottony clouds I remembered from Fla. It made me unexpectedly break into tears, and I suddenly found myself Really sad a LOT.

I was in school then, so I was able to go to a counselor at the health center, and I had sessions for the whole semester. It was one of the best things I ever did. The first few sessions I could only cry. The empathetic, understanding expression on my counselor's face made it so easy for the tears to just flow. Then, little by little, I was able to start talking it out and begin figuring out why a YEAR later I was all of a sudden newly overwhelmed by his loss.

Or, you could just talk it all out here and we'll do our best for you. :)

I'm sorry for your pain. I was with my father three years ago when they took him off life support. There's not much to do when you see a person at their weakest. I look at photos a lot to remind myself of the real person. After all, he spent 99% of his life vibrant, so why should you remember the person only during illness or when they are very old?

"I must admit that I'm a bit lonely. That might also be because several of my close friends have not called or emailed me since I moved. And no one has visited. I am quite surprised and a little bit hurt."

Read these in succession, so apologies for seeing that connection, whether intended or not.

I agree with you, and have sworn off viewings for the same reason. But he needed you then, and you were there. I can only imagine how much you miss him, especially now with the move.

Hugs to you, T.

hi torrie,
i feel for you, i really do. it must be so hard coming to terms when a loved one is gone. i know it's hard that you had to see your dad ravaged by his illness, but you have to take comfort in the fact that your dad must have felt comforted by your presence in his last days. so don't remember him as being ill towards the end. honour his memory by knowing that you were there for him till the very end, and that it would have meant the world to him. also, keep him alive in your heart by remembering the good times. all the best.

It takes time to grieve. Lots of time. Even when you've dealt with any issues and/or have come to terms with the death of someone close to you, it still takes time. Be gentle to yourself and just let those images/memories pop up (and out) without worrying about what it means. In time, you'll feel better about it all.

I am so sorry. Have you considered counseling? I think it would be very, very helpful for you to talk to someone and get these issues out and worked through. Hugs from afar.

he needed you there, that's why you went. you hate the images, but you know you'd hate yourself if you'd missed out on seeing him one last time....or rather, letting him see you.
you take great pictures, surely you have many of him from healthier days around. find some time, go through them, make a scrapbook or even frame a few to hang in your home. maybe those happy/healthy images will eventually chase the ugly away. i hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry the images you have are of your dad while he was dying. Like Dana said, we put pictures from happier times around after my parents died and it helped a lot. Being there during the process of a loved one's death is incredibly hard but choosing not to be there would have been unforgivable. Imagine how your dad would have felt had you chosen not to be there. Sometimes we all have to go through nearly unbearable stuff. Being there was the right choice, awful as it was. Try to focus on the good memories. I hope you feel better soon. Kissing cute babies helps too.

for what it's worth, for a long, long time, the memory of the sounds and smells from the week before my mum died where just smothering; the rusty phlegm she coughed up every 10-15 minutes, the rice-krispies -in-milk sound of her labored breathing, all the medicinal odors... I'd go to bed hearing her breathing and I'd see her sunken cheeks and see her trying to brush her teeth on her own... To combat all this, I put pictures of her up where I'd see them each day, showing her at her happiest and her healthiest. some of those pictures may have been from when I was only 5 and 8 yrs old, or when I was baby, but those images and other happy ones in my head became most prominent over time. It could take a while... healing vibes to you from me.

My grandmother passed away almost 10 years ago. She helped raise me. I can not get the image of her face before she died out of my head. The way she looked when she was gasping for air before they put her on the ventilator. It's so eerie.

Just reading how you are/were feeling made me feel so much better. I was with my dad when he died 6 months ago and instead of getting easier, its getting harder. I find that I am looking for people that look like him all of the time and just missing him so very much. It's a small comfort knowing that others are in the same place that I am. Thank you for being so open about it.

When my beloved grandma (nanna) died, I was on my way to the hospital as fast as I could. Nobody wanted to call me and say she'd gone...I got to the hospital and my then fiancé and I were ushered into a tiny room where my mother & sister were sitting, crying. They didn't have to say anything.

I was asked if I wanted to see her, I don't even remember anything else but I remember being taken to some room where she was laid in bed. Didn't look any different, just like she was sleeping. I was numb.

A couple of days later, before the funeral, the family were invited to the chapel to see her for the last time. It was just hitting me by then, and I said I couldn't do it just yet. My mother came back from seeing her and told me 'don't go, just remember her as she was - the body has been prepared and it just doesn't look like her'. She said she'd never get that 'fake' image of my nanna (her mother) out of her head. So I didn't go, and I'm glad.

I have only a few pictures of my nanna, and I treasure them. She never looked any older in about 40 years of photos! I was given her favourite photos - including me as a baby, and a pic of her and some other women laying railway sleepers during World War II when the women picked up the heavy labour jobs. I was so proud of her.