It's no secret that I've been having a rough time lately. Hell, the last six years have been rough, to be honest.

Now, the people who read my web site only know a small part of me. This web site is not my best reflection. And while I have great friends, a wonderful and supportive husband, and a fantastic child, the one thing that this web site accurately depicts is how stressed out I am.

I am overwhelmed. I am in pain. I am tired.

And this election has really been stressing me out. I think because I am a mother now, it has made politics so much more important to me.

Our financial situation is not good, to put it mildly.

But, recently, the most amazing thing happened.

A couple of days after I wrote this post, I received an email from the director of membership for the New York City YMCA.- someone had anonymously donated a membership to my family.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (There are not enough exclamation points in the world!)

To say I am dumbfounded would be an understatement.

The director from the Y said that she had been working there for 15 years and she had never heard of this happening before.

Not only has this person purchased a membership for us, but they have also purchased 3 hours of personal training and 30 (!) hours of childcare.

She put me in contact with the Y in my neighborhood, and I just got back from signing the papers a little while ago.

The membership director there gave me an hour long tour, during which I burst in to tears.

The Y is AMAZING. Two swimming pools, a huge fitness center with fantastic cardio equipment, free yoga classes, free aerobic classes, etc., etc., etc.

I met two of the women who works in the childcare center- one has worked there for 13 years, the other one for 15.

As we were walking around the Y the director said hi to everyone by name. It has a real feeling of community.

As part of the membership we were given two free classes, so starting in November Willa and I will be taking a swimming class and a gym class.

I don't even know what to say about how much this gift means to me.

I'm not really sure what I did to deserve this. I'm sure there are people who are much more deserving.

But, this will change my life.

The only negative thing about this situation is that because it is anonymous, I don't get to hug this person, or bake them cookies, or tell them what this means to me and my family.

The only thing I can do is use the gift to better my life, and hope that one day I will be in a situation where I can give someone a similar gift.

Posted by torrie at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

Last Saturday (the 18th) I woke up feeling crappy, but that's nothing new these days. I had plans to meet my friend Cass and I really didn't want to break them, so I went anyway. I sat across for her and tried to drink my tea, but I just felt worse and worse. Finally Cass, who had been watching me turn green, suggested we get together another time and I go home and rest. Within a half an hour of getting home I was puking up everything I had ever eaten, ever. I spent the rest of the weekend- the weekend when I was supposed to get so much accomplished because every other weekend was booked up- laying on the couch.

Then, on Monday, we noticed that Dexter had a hot spot. He's had a lot of them in his 8 years and we've learned how to treat them ourselves. So we did just that. Until it got so bad that I was up half the night with him on Tuesday/ Wednesday morning. On Wednesday evening I took him to the vet and had to hold him down while they stuck him with needles. His infection was really bad- he had a fever. He was in so much pain and wouldn't even get off the couch to eat- that's the first time in his life he's been so sick that he wasn't interested in food. He has spent the last week wearing an e-collar almost every minute and hardly getting up off the couch. He's miserable.

On Wednesday night, after spending almost $500 at the vet, The husband and I had a talk about money. I've been asking him for months what our credit card balance was and he wouldn't tell me. I finally got him to tell me. Big mistake. It was almost 4 times what I thought it was. I was devastated. I thought that after this last year of training, when my husband starts making quadruple what he makes now, that I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore. But, now I realize that there will be credit card debt and student loans to pay. Plus, the car that my husband drives to work is falling apart and will need to be replaced soon, and Willa will be starting preschool next fall. I am so sick of worrying about money and I thought there was an end in sight, but now I see that I was wrong.

On Thursday I took Willa for a long walk. On the way back home she started to get very whiney. I was rushing to get her home and when I pushed the stroller off the curb to cross the street, the stroller flipped over and Willa landed on her face with the stroller on top of her. There was blood everywhere. Her mouth was full of blood. I couldn't even tell where the blood was coming from. I took her inside and washed her up. and the bleeding stopped and she was fine except for two fat lips and a bruised face. I however, was completely traumatized. And worth mentioning- I was wearing my only good winter coat, which is camel colored and my new fingerless winter white gloves, when the accident occurred. They were both covered in blood. So not important in the grand scheme of things, but still sucks.
After I got Willa all cleaned up I realized that Mookie was walking around crying and going in and out of the litter box and the bathtub. So I called the vet and they told me to bring him in right away. The vet said that if he had a blocked urethra again they would do surgery on him the next day. I can't take Willa to the vet with me because she has doctor anxiety and the last time we were there she screamed the ENTIRE TIME.
So, I called my husband and asked him to come home. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a doctor to leave work because his cat is sick? But, he came home anyway and he took Mookie to the vet. We were surprised to Find out that he didn't have a blocked urethra. Now he has a new problem- inflamed bladder. This is, of course, after he is on two different medications and a dietary supplement, and prescription food. We were relieved to find out that Mookie didn't need surgery, but the new drug (on top of his other drugs) that they want to put him on indefinitely, costs $120 a month.

Friday was a fairly good day with the exception of Willa's face being swollen up, and Dexter and Mookie being Sick. Then Friday night my mom (who was staying with us for the weekend) got a call from her husband- their dog, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer- wouldn't eat.

On Saturday morning my mom's dog died.

On Saturday afternoon I had to drive into the city in the pouring rain for a photo shoot. When I booked the shoot the woman gave me the impression that I would be shooting six people. The day before I found out that it was fourteen people. When I got there I found out that five of the people were children, the oldest one was six. You try photographing fourteen people at the same time. IT'S NOT EASY.

Sunday was actually a good day. We took Willa to an orchard/farm in the morning, and saw Coldplay at night.

Last night (Monday) my husband was at work (he's doing a week of the night shift) and I let Dexter out into the backyard right before bed. I was watching him out the window and I saw him poop, and then I saw him turn around and EAT HIS OWN POOP. Then I died.
I realized that when I saw him eating something in the backyard earlier in the day that it might have also been poop.
I went to sleep thoroughly disgusted.

This morning I woke up and let Dexter out of our bedroom and went in to Willa's room to get her. I changed her diaper and took her down to the living room. Dexter was laying on the couch and right below him on the carpet was a pile of vomited up poop. I cleaned it up and let Dexter out in the backyard. I watched him pee three times and poop. I made sure he didn't eat the poop. About an hour later he was acting like he needed to go out again so I let him out and he peed a ton. 45 minutes later I walked into the living room and he was sitting on our arm chair and he looked weird. And that's when I heard it- the sound of urine hitting fabric. He peed all over our chair. I let him out again and he peed a bunch more. We know that the steroids that the doctor gave him for his infection is causing this, the only other time he's peed in the house he was on steroids- but still- he didn't drink that much water, so I'm not sure how he can produce so much pee.

My husband came home from work and steam cleaned the chair (we had borrowed my mother's steam cleaner to clean our carpets- score!) while I went to the basement to do some laundry. When I got to the basement I realized that the heavy rain we got over night had caused some flooding.

And then my head exploded.

The end.

Posted by torrie at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

God, I love her.

Posted by torrie at 08:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Mookie is almost back to his old self.

Yesterday was the first day that there was no hissing.

I had a complete blood work up done- including getting my thyroid tested. I thought that might explain why I gained 8 pounds and was exhausted all the time. But my blood was PERFECT. I'm glad I'm "healthy", but it sucks when you feel like crap and there's no explanation for it.

So, it turns out that I am just fat and lazy. Ha!

I started wearing a pedometer. The first day I wore it, which was a normal day, I walked 7 miles. A slow day seems to be about 4 miles. So, I don't get it.
I've been trying to eat a little better. It's tough, because when I'm hungry I just want to stuff my face. I'm trying to eat more- just more healthy stuff. I've even almost completely given up cheese. If that's not dedication I don't know what is, because, come on, it's CHEESE.

I'm still struggling with trying to find time to take care of myself, but at least I'm trying.

Also, I have a really amazing story to tell you about the kindness of strangers, but That will have to wait for another post...

Posted by torrie at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I was driving the other day and I heard Bob Seger's We've Got Tonight on the radio. It reminded me of that episode of the Wonder Years where Winnie is being mean to Kevin ,and hanging out with the older kids, and then she gets in to a bad car accident.

Warning- if you watch this clip you might burst in to tears- I did.

It got me thinking about all of the amazing moments from the TV shows I used to watch.

Some are funny, like this scene from friends:

Some are sad scenes, like the episode of Little House on the Prairie when Mary goes blind and she's screaming "Pa? I can't see you Pa!" (I can't find a clip of that one.)

Whether or not I like to admit it, television has been a huge part of my life.

Different shows remind me of different parts of my life.

I get all nostalgic and teary when I think about it.

What are some of you favorite scenes/episodes from TV shows past?

Posted by torrie at 01:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Here are three posts that I think everyone should read:

More wounded than eloquent, I'm afraid

Why no one with a uterus should vote for John McCain

Dear John McCain

These woman say it much more eloquently than I ever could.

Feel free to discuss this topic in the comments, but if your comment is not constructive, then it won't be published.

Posted by torrie at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I used to be thin.

Wear a bikini, walk around naked, clothes looked cute on me, THIN.

Now, NOT SO MUCH.

When I was 23 I moved to Boston to be with my husband, who went to college and medical school there.
I had been a pastry chef for 4 years. I worked long hours. It was VERY physical. And, I would often go for hours on end without eating. Such was life in the culinary industry.
I was thin and muscular.

When I moved to Boston I got a job managing a cafe/chocolate shop. They were famous for their hot chocolate. I had a hot chocolate for breakfast every morning (I made it with soy milk because I thought I was being healthy, but I didn't take into account soy milk's fat content). For lunch I often had a bagel with egg salad.

Between that and eating the typical college food that I was surrounded by, I gained between 10-15 lbs that year. The freshman 15, at age 23.

Because I had been so slim to begin with, the extra weight by no means made me fat, it just made me average.

The next year the stress started. I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they were stressed out, but I am the opposite- food is comfort.

In 2000, my beloved grandmother died. A few months later September 11th happened (it had a HUGE impact on me, but that's another post). Two months later my now husband then boyfriend asked me to marry him.
During the next six years- my father was diagnosed with melanoma, and had two surgeries to remove the growth in his cheek. We got married. My father had two shoulder surgeries, prostate surgery, and spine surgery. Someone very close to us (sorry-can't mention who) was diagnosed with lung cancer, had two surgeries to remove tumors, and had chemo. We moved to NYC. I had career ending shoulder surgery. My father was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma, which resulted in two years of treatment, and eventually his death. Someone else close to us (who also wishes to remain nameless) was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (on the SAME DAY I found out about my dad's cancer spreading), had a hip replaced, had prostate surgery, and has had pneumonia several times. I ruptured a disk in my back, I lost two pregnancies. My mother passed out while driving and was hospitalized. I had a horrible pregnancy that finally resulted in a healthy baby. We moved to the suburbs. I re-injured my shoulder.

Stress, stress stress. Eat, eat, eat.

Right before I had Willa I went to a trainer for three months. My BMI was in the high end of healthy.
I gained a respectable 35 lbs. when I was pregnant.
I lost all of the pregnancy weight by the time Willa was 4 months old- taking care of a newborn and your dying father=very busy and no time to eat.

So, I had lost all of the weight, but my body looked so different. Everything was distributed differently.
I always had an hourglass figure. I always had a sizable ass and hips, but now I have a belly.
My entire wardrobe revolved around my old figure. I have no idea how to dress now.

I feel like I'm in a stranger's body.

Then we moved out of Manhattan- the city of walking.

The move was so stressful. It's so hard to get anything done with a toddler around. My husband's job is not what he expected- he's working a lot more. I rarely get a break.
And I've been in so much pain lately.

I want a cookie.

So I've had a few cookies.

And since we've moved I've gained about 8 pounds. I am the heaviest I've ever been (with the exception of being pregnant). My BMI is 26.35.

I am miserable.

This isn't about how much I weigh, or what size jeans I wear- it's about how I feel.

I feel like crap. I feel depressed. I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well.

I hate my body. My husband tried to talk to me while I was in the shower the other day, and I made him leave. I don't want my own husband to see me naked. That is sad.

This summer my kid missed out on swimming in a pool because I didn't want to put a bathing suit on. So, the way I feel about my body is keeping me from doing things with my child. That is unacceptable.

Now, here's the problem:

I can't cut back on calories. Let me explain-

I've never been a big eater. I spent years working in the culinary industry, rarely stopping to eat. I've totally screwed up my metabolism. When I keep track of my daily calories they are usually between 1,200 and 1,500. Not enough.
I actually think I need to eat MORE to lose weight so my metabolism can reset itself.
I also need to eat better. Here's what my diet looks like now- carbs, carbs, carbs. I go entire days without eating a single vegetable. And I'm a VEGETARIAN.
Now, I just need to figure out how to make the time to eat healthy. Taking care of a toddler does not afford me the time to prepare a lot of meals. I often just eat a handful of crackers until my kid is napping and I can have a proper meal.

The other part of the problem- lack of exercise.

First, I have a lot of physical issues that prevent me from doing a lot of things.
For instance, the last time I took a yoga class I had to sit half the class out because of my shoulder.
I really should have my exercise supervised by a trainer or a physical therapist, but I can't afford either.

Second, time. I have none of it.

At least 5 mornings a week I take Dexter for a walk while pushing Willa in the stroller. I walk briskly for about a half an hour for about 2 miles. Now, this hurts my shoulder, but if I'm going to get healthy I need to make sacrifices, and I realize that with my physical issues I'm going to have to deal with pain.

Other than the morning walk I'm not getting much exercise. I try to go to yoga, but I can't take a lot of the classes because of my limitations, and the husband is rarely home during the time they have classes that I can actually take, so I end up only going about twice a month.

I've thought about exercise videos, but I am concerned that I really should be supervised when I'm exercising, and to be honest, I hate exercise videos.

My husband doesn't get home until about 7pm, at which point I am exhausted and it's time for me to make dinner. If he gets home earlier I try to go for a walk, but that's rare.

I think the Wii Fit would be great for me, but I just can't afford it.

I really want to be healthy, I just don't know how to find the time.

I don't have unrealistic expectations. I don't expect to look like a celebrity.
I just don't want to dread getting dressed every day.
I want to feel strong.
I want to set a healthy example for my daughter. Show her that eating healthy and exercising should be a part of life.

I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I just want to feel like me again.

Posted by torrie at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Mookie peed three times over night. I've never been so thrilled about urine in my life.

Now we have a new problem.

When I brought Mookie home last night I expected Itsy to act weird. It is very common for a cat to hiss at another cat when they come home from the hospital because they smell funny.

This, however is really bad.

At first Mookie was just ignoring Itsy's hissing and growling, but then he started hissing and growling too.

Last night at about 11 pm they started getting pretty nasty with each other. So, we decided to lock Itsy in our second bathroom with her food, water, and a large shoe box filled with litter. We thought it was more important for Mookie to have access to the regular litter box.

This morning at 5:10 my husband whent into the bathroom to feed Itsy and Mookie jumped over his feet and attacked her.They started running around the house trying to kill each other. I sprang out of bed and ran out and we were able to get Itsy back in the bathroom. A little while later the husband went to chack on Itsy and Mookie tried to do the same thing.

I am alone all day, until about 6-7pm, then tomorrow the husband will leave for work at 6 am and won't be home until about 10am on Sunday.

I don't know how I'm going to handle all of this by myself.

Itsy and Mookie were best friends a few days ago, and now they are trying to kill each other.

I don't know how to make it stop.

Posted by torrie at 08:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Mookie is home.

Right before I went to pick him up he started straining to pee again. The vet said that if he doesn't pee tonight that I'll have to bring him back in the morning and they will perform surgery on him.

He's been home for two hours and he keeps going in the litter box and sitting there and no pee will come out.

I am praying that he pees soon.

In the meanwhile if you all could send some healthy vibes his way I would really appreciate it. I believe in the power of positive

To repay you, I will share this slide show with you:

Posted by torrie at 07:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Our cat Mookie was admitted to the hospital today.

Again.

They think he might have an obstructed urethra. AGAIN.

I'm going to write about Mookie's medical issues in the hopes that someone might read this, have been through the same thing, and has found a solution.

Mookie started having problems when he was about a year old.
He was peeing outside of the litter box.
We are not the type of people to just get rid of an animal when they have behavioral issues, but cat pee destroys things.
He peed on Dexter's dog bed, we had to throw it out.
He peed on our brand new $1,000 mattress (purchased as a desperate attemp tto fix my back problems), we had to call a steam cleaning company, and paid a ton of money for an emergency appointment.

We really didn't know what to do.

Then one day I stepped out of the shower and Mookie jumped in.
He looked right at me and peed blood.

I took him to the vet. (Our vet at the time was two blocks away and we had a very close relationship with them.)

And so, over the next few years this would happen.
Mookie would walk around crying, would go in and out of the litter box, lick his crotch excessively, and would occasionally pee on something. Then the vet would put him on medicine, and it would eventually pass.

We tried different kitty litters. We tried all different kinds of food. We got him a kitty water fountain. But, he would still get sick.

The one thing that really seemed to help was taking him off dry food. I had done a bunch of research, and I had read that cats derive most of their moisture from their food, so if they eat dry food they are not getting enough moisture.

So he's been on only wet food for a couple of years now.

Then one morning he started walking around and screaming like I had never heard him before. Then he got up on the couch and was straining to pee, and he was straining so hard that he pooped.

My vet told me to take him right to the hospital.

So, I took him to one of the top animal hospitals in the country, which I happened to live a few blocks from. A doctor took us into a triage room and felt his bladder. She looked me in the eye and said "I have to take him in the back RIGHT NOW- this is an emergency".

It turns out that he had a blocked urethra. They told me that if I hadn't brought him in, he would have died.
He stayed in the hospital for three days.

Then the vet put him on a supplement (cosequin).

He was healthy for a few months, then he got sick again.

Then we started putting water on his food. That seemed to work, until today.

So, here is a list of all of the things we have done to try to prevent Mookie form getting sick, all of which has either been recommended by a vet, or I have come across while doing research:

-We feed him only wet food.
-We use an all natural kitty litter.
-We scoop the litter frequently
-We put water on his food.
-We feed him frequently (three times a day).
-We got him a water fountain.
-We give him a supplement.

I should also mention:

-Mookie is in great shape. He's very active.
-I hate Science Diet. The ingredients are crappy. I would really love him to be on a natural food. (Right now he's on Wellness.) However, if the only thing that helps him is Science Diet, than I will begrudgingly put him on it.
-I REALLY want to avoid him having surgery because there are some nasty side effects.

We have been dealing with this for about 7 years.
We are out of ideas.

I'm sick of seeing Mookie in pain. I love him, and I just want him to feel better.
I'm sick of loosing thousands of dollars. (Although I should say, we have, and we will, pay any amount of money to make him feel better.)

Does anybody have any suggestion?

Posted by torrie at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

On a different note- My first article for Alphamom.com is up.

Posted by torrie at 01:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)