Can you join a local rec or aquatics center that offers other/child aqua aerobics? You get a workout while using her as a weight and it's low impact.

I understand having an injury and not being able to work out like you used to. My back injury has prevented me from pilates, basic yoga or even sitting on the floor!

I hope you find an option that will make you happy.

My local Y cost over $1,000 a year. I can't afford it.

I was in a heap on the bathroom floor last night having a similar "I just want to be ME again" moment (well, lets be honest it was more like 90 minutes - a moment was a huge understatement). I wish I had an aha moment but I didn't. I just felt sad. Like I was mourning this person I used to be. Instead I really want to be celebrating this person I'm becoming....I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.

Totally relate to the body image aspect. It's been a rough time, but still, part of that old body won't be back. You have a beautiful daughter to show for it, though.

Best of luck on your journey to a healthier you. I wish I knew the secret as well. (A friend swears by squats and lunges. Ack)

I don't know what the details of your shoulder injury are, but are there any "Mommy and Me" style dance classes in your area?

Wow. You just described how I've been feeling for a long time now. Fortunately, my parents decided to diet (they were pretty heavy) and fell in love with Medifast. I went on the program a few months ago and lost 20lbs in 6 weeks. Progress is usually faster, but it's very hard for me to find time to eat so often. You should really look into it. It's a little pricey, but it's quick and doesn't taste terrible. 5 medifast "meals" (soups, bars, teas) and one "lean & green" which is basically just protein and vegetables. They have a vegetarian program too and the health coaches (my parents are BOTH coaches now) are pretty helpful.

If you're interested, here's a link. I've started back up again and I have A LOT more energy. Actually drinking tomato soup right now! Pretty damn good, if you ask me.

http://myweighoflife.tsfl.com/client/index.asp

I don't have any good advice, but I'm sorry to hear that after all the stress you've been through, now you're stressed about the toll it's taken on your body, too.

As someone who lost over 35 lb four years ago (and then had to lose 51 lb of baby weight just 2 years later), I know how hard it seems when you're starting out. It was hard enough for me as an otherwise healthy person, so I can't imagine trying to do it with all the stress and physical limitations you're dealing with. But I'm sure you will find ways to do this. Even small changes can make a big difference. A healthier, happier you is so worth it.

Good luck!!

I don't have any sage advice other than "hang in there" and I know that is about as obnoxious as it gets.

I'm trying to shed the 20 lbs I've gained in the last year since getting married and my body image is in the shitter so you're in good company.

I hope you're able to find a solution that works for you. It sounds like a water-based workout would be ideal for your shoulder situation so I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll find something soon!

I don't have a solution, but I could have written this post (kind of). I didn't have to watch what I ate until I turned 25, at which time my metabolism STOPPED. I am a single mother who works 1 1/2 jobs and goes to school and takes care of a house and a dog and a cat...
I was the thinnest I had ever been on my wedding day at age 23. I had been working two jobs and 12 hour days, rushing from one job to another. I never had to exercise.
I eat when I'm stressed.
My ex watched and commented on every single thing I put in my mouth starting the day we got married. Instead of, "I'll show him!" I rebelled and ate everything in site. Then I got pregnant (ie REALLY fat) and he left.
I'm still 10 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight which was 20 pounds over my ideal weight.
But you know what? I just don't care anymore because I'm doing the best I can.
*hugs*

i know this post like the back of my hand...eighteen months ago i had my babies and felt better on that day than i do now. i keep trying to find solutions, those do not stick, i do not stick to them and then i feel pretty fucking lousy about myself. i cringe at some of the pictures taken while unaware and try to convince myself this me is not the me forever. i wish i could offer something more than empathy...i just wanted you to know you are no alone in this feeling.

Hey,

I am new to your blog but know what you mean about not feeling like yourself. I went from being a super active person my whole life to not active at all. The distribution of my weight has changed noticeably.

The first thing I would suggest is maybe scrounging up the money for a nice jogging stroller with big wheels to make it easier on your arm when you take Willa with you. This will also allow you try to work up to maybe jogging a couple of times a day?

My other suggestion would be to do an online search for easy exercises to do around the home. Even if it is putting Willa on the floor next to you while you grab a few situps in between folding laundry. Or when you feed her in her high chair, try to work in 10 deep leg squats. Or do lunges across the kitchen. Small things like that can make a difference if you make an effort to fit them in all the time. Also, you could totally incorporate Willa into your workout. Pick her up and do some controlled waist twists...she'll love it and you are working muscle groups.

Hope some of this helps!

Just wanted to share my recent experience with soy milk. I switched to soy milk (unsweetened) when I was going through perimenopause and drank huge quantities (nearly a quart a day) plus I would also eat tofu. This was for the past 5 years. The soy milk meant I slept soundly through the night. I gradually put on weight even though eating habits hadn't changed, belly fat was disgusting beyond all belief, started having edema (legs/ankles/feet swelling), was low-level depressed all the time, lost my "fight" and felt mentally slow. Read a blurb about how drinking too much soy can introduce too much estrogen in your system. The newsletter listed the symptoms I had and I went, "huh?!" OK, decided to stop it. After a couple of weeks, my belly shrank considerably, my edema is gone, low-level depression lifted (and new depression set in as I realized what a mess I made of my life because I completely lost my will power & drive--no sh*t!!). Had too much estrogen, plain and simple. Just a thought.

Oh Torrie, you poor thing. I wish I knew what to suggest. I sympathise wholeheartedly with the weight issue - I've spent about 11 years constantly up and down (am kind of midway now!), between 'curvy' and a UK size 18/20.

I've heard of classes (here in London at least) where women can take their babies/toddlers out in the pram to the park, and have a mass walk/aerobics session, while someone else is looking after the kids. I don't know if such a thing exists where you live - if not, do you know any people you could suggest starting something like that up with?

I definitely agree with Drew as well - trying to fit as many movements and small exercises into the day as you can. They really add up.

As for the food...hmmm..... could you maybe find the time to make a large batch of something that you could freeze? (veg chilli, for example).

I really hope you feel better about yourself soon, darling. And even if you don't think so, I'm sure your husband thinks you're gorgeous. Especially in the shower. ;o)

I have no words of advice but just wanted to commiserate. I gained roughly the same amount of weight when I was pregnant and lost all of it except 5 pounds by my six-week visit. But you know what? It didn't matter b/c I couldn't pull my pants up. I had to go buy jeans a full two sizes bigger to be able to get them on. I was finally able to wear most of my old clothes again by this spring--though not the form-fitting tops, those are gone for good, I'm afraid--when I gained another solid 5 pounds that I just cannot seem to lose. You wouldn't think 5 pounds would make that much difference but it puts me far from where I want to be and it's the difference between my clothes fitting and not. Until recently, I was also a vegetarian, though not vegan (I know, I suck).

It sounds like you are already doing quite a lot with all the walking, though. I've been walking and swimming but it helps little. I joined WW but found it really difficult to find the time to record everything I eat. My main issue, though, is that the shape of my body has changed. The one thing I used to really like about myself is my small waist and now it is gone forever, I fear, replaced by a hideous muffin top.

Hi Torrie
I don't know if you read Linda at Sundrymourning.com, but if you don't, please read her post (link below) about diet and fitness. She is so motivating to me and I truly agree with everything she says in that post.
Because of her, I have taken control of my own (previously poor) fitness routine. And nothing feels better than loving your body.

http://www.sundrymourning.com/2008/09/16/things-i-have-learned-about-diet-and-fitness/

Just a little FYI- about the YMCA. They offer financial assistance on a sliding scale. They may wave your joining fee and give you a break on the monthly dues. You never know how much they can help. Your husbands job may make you eligible for a break on you joining fee too.
I used to run the membership department at our local Y. You don't have to poverty level to ask for help. And just bc your husband is a Dr doesn't mean he makes a ton of money. It's worth a try.

So, call the Y. Ask about it and set an appointment!!

i have never been real skinny and always had to work for it...but since I've had Mo I've not been able to get back into working out like I used to...it's hard, but you have to just find a way to do it. I did Body for Life and though it's pretty strict eating wise, it was the best program I have ever used. But it does require some lifting, so not sure if you could work something else into the lifting instead of shoulders. I'm sure you could. Good luck, I hope you are able to get back to where you feel happy.

but trust me, your husband does NOT care, he just wants to see you naked in the shower!! :)

Ok. This is going to sound crazy in the coconut, but if you've got a blender, you really have nothing to lose.

Ahem.

Start making gigantic green smoothies in the morning. Make it in batches, even, and pour it into a large container. Mix it up. Drink all day.

A recipe and some variations:

banana
pineapple
ginger
lime, peeled
fresh mint if you've got it
spinach
water

When you OD on spinach, try mango, kale and kiwi.

I add a lot of water to mine -- I like them thin instead of smoothie thick. You can't taste the greens at all. They are really delicious. They are easy and if you make a huge batch, they can last hours. All those fruits and veggies, they really do do a body good.

So. Crazy in the coconut. But it can't hurt to try, right?

Hi Torrie.
OHHHH do I remember how that felt (kids are grown up now)!! No time, no money.

But there was some pretty good advice in the comments so far (sliding scales at the Y, etc).

My two cents; believe it when your husband says he still thinks you're sexy; he really does! He loves you, and in his eyes you are terrific.

My husband was the same way when I was heavy (my BMI was 29 at its worse) and is the same way when I'm thinner, and as far as that's concerned, its a blessing!

It will probably happen that once you feel a wee bit less desperate, your mind will come unstuck, and you'll find a feww practical solutions for your exercise and diet needs. A little bit at a time....

Best of luck...........

My favorite thing to cook in winter that lasts a few days? Soup! It's so easy to add beans to a recipe that might not call for it or might call for meat too!

I'm totally going to make those green smoothies Nicole wrote about too. Yum.

I'm living this as well. Kid is almost 1, no time to exercise, no time to fix myself bountiful salads, somehow lots of time to feel shitty about myself. I still don't know how that works.

So I don't have any answers, but I did want to tell you that you look lovely in your pictures! You can always lose the weight, but you're stuck with the pretty. :)

have no time to read through all the other responses so if this is redundant, my apology. pilates? water aerobics perhaps even some sort of class w/the bebe? it's much easier on the joints and i'm pretty sure you're being much harder on yourself than you should be. body image is a huge thing for women...but we're our own worst critics. you have love in your life, a beautiful daughter and caring husband. i know you're in a funk but try to look on the bright side of things and this too shall pass.