About how Willa has been sick for 5 days, and woke up this morning shaking with a 103.1 fever, and has hardly eaten anything since becoming sick?

About how I am so exhausted because for the past week either Willa has been waking up in the middle of the night with fever, or every time she coughs it wakes me up, or Dexter is barking in his sleep, or the cat is scratching in the kitty litter?

About how a couple of nights ago, I closed both closet doors by accident, and the kitty litter is in the closet, and so my cat peed ALL OVER Dexter's bed?

About how my husband threw his back out, because, you know, we needed that?

About how I am in constant pain?

About how my husband STILL hasn't received a job offer, which is making us SUPER nervous?

About how last night I stayed up to watch the end of the Oscars, because I am a giant idiot, and then went in to my bedroom exhausted only to discover that my cat had puked all over my bed and pillow?

About how my cats' medication for her hyperthyroidism is making her vomit excessively, and the only other treatments are invasive and super expensive?

About how this morning Dexter puked all over the place?

About how our first "date night" in six weeks is a memorial service?

About how I found out that my suspicions about someone were true, and they hurt someone I love dearly?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Even I'm sick of hearing me complain.

Posted by torrie at 02:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

One of my best friends in the world, my friend Tracy, is in the hospital.
She is my sister. She inspires me.
And she is sick, and in pain, and scared, and I'm not with her, and it's killing me.
I really want to fly to Houston to be with her.
I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.

A quick explanation of what happened:
She started complaining that her ear hurt a couple of weeks ago. She thought she just had some water in her ear.
Then the pain got really bad, then she fainted, then half of her face swelled up, so she finally saw an ENT on Saturday.
She had a wicked ear infection. He gave her some oral antibiotics, but by Sunday night there was copious amounts of fluid leaking from her ear and she was in terrible pain. I begged her to go to the hospital.
Finally on Sunday night she went to the hospital. If I remember correctly, the doctor's words when he saw her in the ER were "OH MY GOD".
She was admitted to the hospital. The ear infection had spread to her face.
I thought they would just give her some IV antibiotics and some pain meds and she'd be out of there in no time.
Then yesterday she had a bad reaction to one of the drugs and she developed a fever.
Today the infectious disease doctor saw her and said "No one realized how bad this infection is".
The doctor is optimistic, but the earliest she will get out is Thursday.
I don't mean to be dramatic, but I would really appreciate it if you guys could send some good vibes her way.

Thank you.

*Update- Tracy was released from the hospital last night. They put a port in her so she can IV antibiotics at home.
Thank you for all of your kind words and prayers.

Posted by torrie at 07:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Posted by torrie at 10:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I was going to write a whole long post about everything that is going on in my life, but honestly, I don't have the energy.

To sum up-

I am not happy. I should be- I've got an amazing husband, an amazing kid, and a roof over my head.
But, I'm not happy.

I am completely overwhelmed.

I have to keep a house with three humans and four animals clean by myself.

I have to feed two of the animals twice a day, and the other two animals three times a day. Two of the animals get medication twice a day.

I have to take care of my kid mostly by myself. (The husband works a minimum of 60 hours a week, and we have no family of friends nearby, or a babysitter.)

My kid has been fighting her nap every day.

No nap means no break for me.

No nap means no showering for me. Last week I set a record for days in a row without showering.

My kid eats three full meals a day which I mostly cook from scratch, and two snacks.

My point is I don't know how to take care of everyone, cook, clean, run errands, pay bills, exercise, etc., etc., etc.

Things are falling through the cracks.

Bills are getting paid late, thank you cards aren't being written, emails aren't being returned.

And when I try to relax, I'm not really relaxing because I have all of the things I haven't done hanging over me.

I go to bed every night still not recovered from the day. And sleeping doesn't fix that because you can't mentally unwind when you are sleeping.

I can't catch up.

Speaking of sleeping-
My sleep quality sucks.

I'm not being dramatic when I say that in order to get everything done after watching my kid for 12-13 hours straight, I would then have to spend the three hours between her bed time and my bed time working non stop.
I just can't do that. I am in too much pain and too exhausted.

I am spent.

The worst part is- my husband works so hard- he leaves the house before Willa wakes up and on a good night gets home an hour before she goes to sleep. He then eats dinner, returns emails, and does a bunch of chores. He often only gets five hours of sleep. His days off are spent running errands and giving me break.
He carries the weight of supporting his family, and deals with a wife who is both physically and mentally a mess.
When does he get a break?
This in turn makes me feel tremendously guilty.

I've been very manic- one minute bursting with love and happiness, the next hanging on to my sanity with a thread.

I've been crying in front of my child.

Today, I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream.

Anyway, I didn't write this for sympathy- I'm just trying to explain my absence.

I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm trying to figure out my life.

I haven't had the urge to write anything, because writing takes energy that I haven't got.

Please bear with me

Posted by torrie at 06:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)