I wish I were closer so I could help you.

What you need to remember is that you're not wonder woman. You cannot take on the world daily and not have it affect your life. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling rundown and exhausted. That's what real women deal with and it doesn't make you any less of a mother/wife/woman when real life things affect your mental health.

What you CAN do is choose your battles. Honestly, if the animals are too much, find them good homes. Your health and Willa's are far more important.

You and your child are #1. No matter what. If you're not happy/healthy and you're angry/sad all the time, she is picking up on it and it does affect her sleep patterns and general health and mood.

If you can skip the small things, like the Thank Yous and other things that are certainly not requirements, then do it. Tell people that you are truly greatfull for their gifts, but you are too overwhelmed to send them out. If they don't understand? They can suck it.

If she won't sleep, tell her to rest. She'll figure it out. Turn off the monitors and allow yourself some alone time. You deserve it and she'll be fine. You're not abandoning her.

I want to see you posting about being happy. Don't let this get the best of you.

Mwah!

I agree with Melanie above, in every sentiment.

Part of the crappiness of blogging is that too many of us are too far away to help (because I totally would!0. My heart truly goes out to you as I remember how difficult it was when Thomas stopped napping. Let's hope it's a quick phase and it's over dayum soon! :) Hang in there.

Aw, poor nice lady. I'm sorry it's so rough. I wish I could offer concrete assistance. Instead, may I encourage you to do one single very important thing?

Contain the child somehow, close the doors so that you don't hear it if she cries, and take a shower.

Luxuriate. Don't rush.

Everything, EVERYTHING feels better when you're clean, warm, and you feel like you've done something to take care of yourself.

It's small and it doesn't solve the larger problems, but I know I am infinitely better equipped to tackle those when I don't feel evil about having even my most basic needs shortchanged.

I'm rooting for you.

I agree too. I think that most Moms in your situation would agree.
I feel much the same most days. I have a 5 month old who has fought every single one of his naps since day one. I am not exaggerating.I have not gotten more than three hours sleep at a time. I have had to either walk or hold him for every nap, even walking for 2 hours until I almost pass out. Just so he'll sleep. My sleep deprivation turned me into a different person.
I don't get to shower unless I do it when my husband gets home. I sometimes don't really get to eat because baby is so attached to me and needy/cranky, etc. I have not been able to find balance. I also have no family or friends with time nearby.
I have searched out friends with babies to talk to. Some days I need someone to talk to just to get through the day.
Please find someone you feel you can call to listen. It makes a huge difference.
You don't have to do it all. It's a huge annoying shitty myth that women can or are supposed to.
Please try to take it easy on yourself.

Torrie

i hope writing some of that out helped you vent and lighten the load, if only a smidge.
i'm sorry you're feeling so badly about everything. i've been in that spot before and it blows.
i think about you often, though we've never met. i check to see if you've written a new post, to see how things are going, how Willa has grown...

I agree with the other gals on a few points.
if i lived closer, i'd totally help you out with my time.
you Must take a shower every day. as julie said, contain Willa somehow and take that 10 minutes for yourself at the beginning of your day.
part of teaching her about life is showing her how mommy takes care of herself, and that that is just as important as you taking care of her.
prioritizing other crap is a must - thank you notes? please. i'd be upset with you if i gave you something and i got a Note - i'd know you didn't have time or energy to write it, and you should've known that I am aware of your gratitude... etc...

I can't, however, agree with getting rid of your furry family members. Not one iota. They aren't why you're unhappy and don't deserve to lose their loving home. I daresay you'd be even more miserable without their love and devotion.

please know that you're thought of often, and if there's ever anything i can do from a distance, please ask.

I don't know you, and vice versa, but I wanted to offer my (((HUGS))). Sometimes you do need to just step back and re-evaluate your life. Or have a good cry.

I hope that whatever happens, you find a happier place.

Don't feel guilty about the hubby. He is there to support you as much as you are him. Also, remember that because his days are split up between work and home, it's not as insane for him when he is at home for you (even though it feels like it). I am also convinced, although I have no scientific proof, that men can function much better on far less sleep than women! Everyone knows that you are doing your best, so don't be hard on yourself. Your job is super important and you're doing a great job! Everyone goes through periods of being overwhelmed and it WILL get better.

As thankful as you are to have your hubby in your life (and he sounds amazing), remember how thankful he is, that he gets to have amazing you taking care of Miss Willa day in and day out.

You're getting a lot of advice, so I'll just stick to one nugget.

Check out a Moms Morning Out program (some churches will offer) to be able to take Willa once or twice a week to just get a mini break. It will save your sanity.

Hey Torrie
I don't post a comment often, but figured I should de-lurk here. Please hold onto the fact that someday, you'll find the balance you're looking for. I promise you. It might not be that easy, and it might take some time, but one day you'll wonder why you stressed yourself out so much over this. I'm not saying what you're going through isn't important - god, if I was you I'd probably be a basket case right about now - but one day you'll look back, wiser and calmer. You're an amazing person, I have no doubt that you'll figure out a way to get through. Even if you only make a little headway each day.
Thinkin' of ya.

Hi... it is overwhelming and therefore it is very important to prioritize, especially when you are giving your best and still feel that your sanity is slipping away.

I would have to agree with the first poster; giving the animals (or at least some of them) to good homes will reduce your level of responsibility. I'd also consider a morning child-care center, maybe 2-3 times a week, if there is a low-cost one in the neighborhood. You need that break from the kid, really.

I had to go back to work 3 months after both my babies were born. And although I worked a full-time job and came home to lots of housework and 2 tiny kids, I think I had it easier because I had part of the day in a "grown-up" world.

Torrie,
The way you are feeling is the way that every mother feels from time to time. So, it is normal; you are normal. I am going to say this as delicately as I can - have you thought about taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs? The reason I ask is because I am on them, and have been for years, and so is every mother I know. And I don't know if you can with your other medical issues and in no way shape or form am I trying to tell you that you *need* them, but I am speaking from experience that they *can* help.
Because every mother I know is on some form of anti-depressant, i have to wonder if it is this world we live in - that we expect too much of ourselves; that society expects too much of us as women, wives, mothers...or, if our mothers/grandmothers felt the same but just struggled through it because they didn't have any other option.

Just throwing in a word of support. Hang in there, Torrie!

I don't know how easy it is to get counselling in the US (and more doctor's appointments would just add to your stress in some ways), but can you talk to your GP? Sometimes you can get a referral to a psychologist. It's hard to know how much of your feelings are because you undeniably have a lot on your plate or whether it could be something more, such as depression or an anxiety disorder, that is affecting your ability to cope. If there's any chance it's the latter, the sooner you can find support the better. Life can't be all happiness of course, but I think you could reasonably expect to feel better than you do now. Here's hoping things start to look up soon!

I've been reading your blog for a while but I didn't get enough courage to comment until now. I think you're a great woman. I don't think getting rid of your animals is a choice as the first comment states. It would be like getting rid of your child. Some people are too insensitive when it comes to animals. Animals are just like people, giving them away would be too cruel.

In any case, I know we don't know each other but I would so go help you if I could.

Torrie, you know that I'm always here for you and going through almost exactly the same thing right now. I could have written this post, actually. And when Toby joe came home last night he said as much as well. (He read this too.)

I won't go on and on about how hard this is, I do know. But I simply can't shut up about one thing.

I need to say that giving up animals because life throws a few fast and/or hard balls at you is just completely irresponsible and makes me horribly sad. Now, I know you wouldn't ever do this so I feel OK ranting.

I agree with what the poster stated above: getting rid of the furry guys is not going to make us any more happy. (I have three cats) It's not their fault. You (Torrie) know this, but it astounds me that others so readily suggest such a thing. I find it wholeheartedly depressing.

I used to work at a shelter for abandoned and homeless critters. The number of animals that are dropped off because someone gets pregnant or has a new baby is downright depressing. If you adopt or take an animal in, it's your responsibility to take care of them like they're your family. It says a whole lot of not good about a person who abandons an animal because "life got to be too hard".

Sorry, guys. But I simply can't stay silent about this.

Remember, this isn't directed at Torrie; I write this to anyone who suggests it.

Also, Torrie, I mean it when I say I am right here for you. Call me, stop by, whatever you want whenever you want. You are SO not alone. I am right there with you. I can't tell you that enough.

But I just know that it gets better—it has to. People would only ever have one kid otherwise!

Love you, darlin'

Michele

You do sound very overwhelmed right now. Is it at all possible to afford someone to look after your little girl even for just a few hours a week so you can have a little time to yourself? I know it might seem extravagant but it's worth it to keep your sanity. I work part time from home and have a sitter come two days a week to watch my son. Even though I'm working, it is relaxing having someone else take care of things for a few hours.

Mothers day out, lots of churches have them for free or a nominal fee.

Prozac.

((HUGS))

I read your blog regularly and I feel bad that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I hope you won't mind if I add my two cents. My kids are 13 & 20, but I remember being in your shoes.
Try to make meals that will do double duty or make enough for leftovers on purpose which will help to cut down on having to think up new menus everyday. If you don't want to use the leftovers right away because you want to give Willa variety, get some divided dishes (they make little paper ones with animal faces at the grocery store) and freeze them. I used to use my Food Saver Vaccuum thing so they didn't get icy, but they have that ziplock thing and the glad bag vaccuum thing now that are much less expensive and easy to use. Then you have Willa's meals made, and you can just pop them in the micro for a quick heat up.
As for the napping. Mine stopped napping before they were a year old, but they were put in their crib, or bed, with a safe toy or book and told they would have rest time for at least an hour. We put the baby gate in the bedroom doorway so the door wasn't closed but they were contained if they got out of their bed. Sometimes they even slept, depending on what we had been doing in the morning. Rest time would always be around the same time after lunch, just like we used to have in kindergarten, so it was something that once they got used to it, they didn't put up that much of a fuss. Sometimes I would use that time to get dinner ready, or fold clothes, or take a nap myself.
Also, Does Willa have a playpen or kiddie corral? Someplace that you can put her and some toys and yes, sometimes even the godforsaken tv (with whatever Barney-type program is popular these days) so you can grab a shower or a half hour to regroup. And one more thing. Don't beat yourself up if you don't get a dish washed or the dusting done. No one's headstone ever said "She kept a nice house" Set yourself a goal to do maybe one chore a day, and not "clean the attic" type chore, more like the write the thank you notes stuff. You need to give yourself a break and not be so hard on yourself if the tub gets scrubbed on Sunday instead of Saturday. Enjoy your baby and husband, the baby will be grown before you know it, it's a cliche, but believe me, it's true!

I agree with Michele; even though the animals are a lot of "work," getting rid of them would only add to Torrie's loneliness. We had to find a new home for our cat and dog because my daughter is severely allergic (we tried several different meds and they weren't working for her), and I still think about them everyday and miss them terribly. I was also going through post-partum depression and anxiety and losing them added to my loneliness.

Torrie, about Willa not napping...I saw your video on Flickr. Is her room always that bright during her naptime? If it is, that could be the reason she won't sleep during the day. We have a large piece of sytrofoam that we cut to fit the window and we put that up over the window during my daughter's nap time, and we also have black out shades that we close. There's no way my daughter could sleep with that much light in her room. You can even use aluminum foil on the windows.

I also remember you saying in a previous post how anxious you feel all the time, especially things that you feel are excessive. I know some people are against taking meds, but anti-anxiety meds have helped me GREATLY. I also have a husband that works long hours, and I stay home during the day with Adeline. Like you, we don't have anyone nearby that can come over and help. My husband's commute is one hour each way, and he works six days a week.

I also deal with chronic pain that has become unmanageable and find it terribly difficult to get to my appointments at the pain clinic, especially having to bring Adeline with me. I also have set records with days gone by without showering until I gave up and realized that Adeline can bring toys and play in the bathroom while I shower. She doesn't always like it, but she's getting used to it. We had to rearrange some shelves, but we did what we had to so that I could take care of my own needs, too.

I know you don't know me, so I hope you take this as support and not as an insult: you can't do it all. No one can. Something has to give. When your MIL paid for a cleaning service, was that meant as a one time thing, or was it supposed to be long term? Is it possible you can take her up on that offer again?

My best friend lives 40 minutes away, and I try to get together with her once a week, whether I've showered or not, even when I'm feeling crappy and in pain and leaving the house is the last thing I want to do, because I've realized that doing so will ultimately put me and Adeline in a better mood. I don't know how far away from the city you moved, but are there friends that can meet you halfway for lunch or something once a week? Even if it's just for an hour, since I know the animals have to be fed and medicated.

I just hope you can find some way to get through this. Find a way to cut yourself some slack. You need it, for your sake and Willa's. I'll be sending positive and hopeful thoughts your way.

You know what?? I totally understand what you are going through. I got married and moved from my hometown in Mexico to Florida because my husband just HAD to have a job that he loved that was there. So I had to finish college and move from my home to a place were no one I know is. I left my family (mom, dad, sisters) and friends and went to support my husband. I am totally miserable especially because he travels 4 weeks at a time and then comes back one and then leaves for another round of 4 weeks and it just totally sucks. I mean I wish I was back home were my mom could help out and I could have a life. It is something that I have learned to give up on. My life has been subletted for my entire life and my daughter has takev over it. I am not sad that I have a child but I am desperate for freinds that could offer to help out. Hang in there. Just leave her in her crib or bedroom and do whatever you need to do. Check up on things and if she is fine then don´t worry. You don´t have to spend 24 hours with her. Plus, when she starts school everything will be so much more clear. Hang in there. TEN FE!!! (Have Faith!)

Torrie, go and find yourself a sitter. Even if it's a 14 yr old kid from down the block that comes for 2 hours. Or even 1 hour, a couple times a week. It will save your sanity. Even if you think that no one else in this world can care for your child like you can, go GET THE SITTER. It saved my life when I had 3 kids in 2 years.

i don't have kids, but i completely agree with what mihow wrote about giving away pets after kids...i just don't understand it (yet, of course, i know i don't live it). but i still don't get it. it's indescribably nice to read an actual PARENT write what i really feel about it. validation.

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support.
I just wanted to say that I Michele (Mihow) was right, I would NEVER give my animals away, so don't worry about that.
They are a lot of work, but I love them dearly, and they are worth it.
Some people might not agree with it, but I would put their happiness before mine.

Here is a copy of something a friend sent me when I was feeling overwhelmed. maybe, it will help.

February 5, 2009
As Blessed As You Want to Be
The Power Of Staying Positive
Our thoughts are not simply ethereal pieces of information that enter our minds and then disappear. The words and ideas that we think can shape our lives and drive us toward success and happiness or failure and distress. How you think and feel can have a profound effect on your ability to recognize opportunity, how well you perform, and the outcome of the goals that you’ve set for yourself. When you maintain an optimistic outlook and make an effort to harbor only positive thoughts, you begin to create the circumstances conducive to you achieving what you desire. You feel in control and few of life’s challenges seem truly overwhelming because it is in your nature to expect a positive conclusion. An optimistic mind is also an honest one. Staying positive does not mean that you ignore difficulties or disregard limitations. Instead, it means spending time focusing only on the thoughts that are conducive to your well-being and progress.

Positive thinking dramatically increases your chances of success in any endeavor. When you’re sure that you are worthy and that achievement is within your grasp, you start to relax and look for solutions rather than dwelling on problems. You are more likely to imagine positive situations or outcomes and disregard the thoughts related to giving up, failure, or roadblocks. What the mind expects, it finds. If you anticipate joy, good health, happiness, and accomplishment, then you will experience each one. Thinking positively may sound like a simple shift in attention – and it is – but it is a mind-set that must be developed. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, try immediately replacing it with a constructive or optimistic one. With persistence, you can condition your mind to judge fleeting, self-defeating thoughts as inconsequential and dismiss them.

It is within your power to become as happy, content, or successful as you make up your mind to be. Staying positive may not have an immediate effect on your situation, but it will likely have a profound and instantaneous effect on your mood and the quality of your experiences. In order for positive thinking to change your life, it must become your predominant mind-set. Once you are committed to embracing positive thinking, you’ll start believing that everything that you want is within your grasp.

I hate to admit this here but there have definitely been times I've gone for a week (ugh, I hate typing that out) without showering because of both time and exhaustion. There have literally been times I was too exhausted after getting the kids to be to get up and wash myself. I ended up with a sponge bath in the sink and that's not even close. Gross. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I hear ya and understand what you're going through. We're here to listen and rant too if you need anything.

I have been reading your blog for a while now, but don't think I've ever actually posted until now. I almost felt like I was reading my own story. I can relate on most levels with you except, the chronic pain part. Instead I'm still exclusively breastfeeding my 4 month old. One thing I wanted to suggest is making Willa's mealsfor the week, on the weekend or another time when you have help around. This way you can freeze them and pull them out as needed. It may take you 2 hours one day- but it frees you up every other day! And stays fresh in the freezer.
I live in Suffolk County- so if you ever feel up for hitting a park on Long Island somewhere once it gets warm, let me know!
Hang in there- the person upstairs never gives you more than you van handle :). He must trust you a lot!

Hi Torrie-
Long time listener, first time caller. Thought I would delurk on this one.

I have a 17 month old daughter at home. We had about a month where she refused to nap unless it was on the couch with me or my husband. It sucked and turned me into a horrible person. She napped at daycare (I work 4 days a week), just not at home. Until the day I just had it. Put her in her crib. She cried till she puked (which didn’t actually take too long) and then fell asleep…in her puke. I’m not proud of it, but from that day on she has been taking her naps. And that two-ish hour period is all I need to make the entire rest of the day bearable, if not pleasant. I hope Willa will nap for you soon.

If you can do 1 thing to change your day…take a shower! If you have to wake up 20 minutes before your daughter, do it. I tried the no shower thing a couple of times during my maternity leave and it depressed the crap out of me. Showers wash a lot more than dirt away. Dealing with pain and frustration when you are stinky and greasy (not saying you’re Pigpen or anything, but you know what I mean) magnifies the problem.

Don’t spend those few hours of non-baby evening-time working yourself ragged. I do the same thing and it doesn’t work. Set aside time for work and some time for yourself. And let some of it go. The world won’t end if you don’t clean your toilet.

There isn’t a mother out there that hasn’t cried in front of her child or dreamt of just going away alone. I did it just the other day…Aruba, all alone on the beach with a book. Ahhh, what a dream.

Just a thought…I know you aren’t loaded and you don’t really know many folks in your neighborhood, but are there any young-ish kids that you can get to be a sort of ‘mother’s helper’ a day or two a week for a couple of hours? Even if you’re home? They can play with Willa, feed the pets while you get some other stuff done (or nap)? I know that’s easier said than done.

Being a mom is so so hard. But it’s also the best, most rewarding thing ever.

I really hope things get better for you.

:-)
Julie

PS…you have got a stunningly beautiful daughter.

My youngest is 21months - I feel your pain! He has gone to one nap a day, but we never know when it is... I can usually get a quick shower in by sticking my kid in the crib with a pile of toys. By the time he's thrown them all out, I'm ready. Also, do you have a gym with daycare? It's time for you, and a change of scene for the kid. When it warms up you can get your exercise in at the park. Also, tell your hubby that you're having a hard time sleeping. Maybe you can swap backrubs to help each other relax.

Hey Torrie,

Oh, I so feel your pain! I'm a single mom of two (ages 5 and 8). We got divorced when the kids were 2 and 5 - I do the lion's share of child-raising.

Even though our circumstances are different, I felt just like you are describing.

The two things that helped me: free counseling with a Ph.D. counselor at my church and Lexapro (an antidepressant). I highly recommend you look into counseling and meds.

It DOES NOT make you WEAK to need medication or to need to talk to a counselor.

These are ways you can take care of yourself.

I don't know your religous affiliation, but if you are at all religous, I would recommend joining a church or Sunday School class. I joined a church shortly before my divorce, and the people there have been invaluable in providing support, childcare, meals, prayers, etc. for me in my various times of need.

xoxo

Allison

Hi Torrie,

I also don't think you need to send the animals away. I think that would be counter-productive.

Has Dr Torrie made the leap to attending? If he has, it will be worth the money to pay for some childcare. Just for a few hours a week. Don't beat yourself up about having some alone time: people who have their own parents nearby often drop their kids off just so they can do a few errands, so don't guilt trip yourself into the whole "I'm abandoning her to a total stranger" thing. I'm on a rostered day off right now, and my boy is at long daycare- initially i felt really guilty until I realised that most of my friends have a parent they will drop their child with just so they can, oh, I dunno, get a haircut or a wax. Neither of us have that luxury, so we have to pay for it.

The one thing I have done since Patrick was a baby, though, is shower. He gets pissed off at me some days and comes and stands next to the shower and screams at me, but most days he couldn't care less. On the screamy days i just have to be firm and say, "No, it's time for mummy's shower". You feel a total prick, but, really, they need to understand that Mummy needs some time to herself every day. This will not do her any damage!

Also my perinatal psych told me it's perfectly ok to cry in front of a child when it all gets too much. They learn to see that having negative emotions is as normal part of life as being happy. Just as long as it's not all day, every day. And if it is, then, seriously, take the meds. Being on meds is like using a life preserver- it doesn't make the storm go away, but at least your head isn't under water all the time and you may be able to swim to land if you can see it.

Good luck. And if you find the magic answer to mother guilt, please share: we all go there!

You need to find other moms with whom you can share some of the load. Join a MOMS Club (momsclub.org) and form a babysitting cooperative. You trade babysitting with other moms in short time slots for points, so that you don't have to pay back just one person. A rotating secretary books the sits so there is no guilt in saying no! It's a fun playdate for the kids and a break for you! There are lots of co-ops on the Internet, I'm sure, so steal their rules! :) You can advertise the co-op in your area to find other families, so it's a great way to meet some new friends. Have morning coffee meetings to get to know one another. Even form a babysitting co-op board to internview potential new members (questions like. "Do you lock up your cleaning chemicals?", and "Do you have any weapons in your home?" are good). Some co-ops even require the quick and easy background check that can be performed on the Internet. The best part is that you never leave your kids with people you don't know! Some co-ops only do day sits. Ours did evening sits, as well, where you left your kids home to go watch a friend's for an night time date! It's free and if you perform evening sits you get to book them, so you get a night out next! I'd be happy to offer suggestions or help you get one going. It is such a life saver!

Even if you don't like the co-op idea, join a mom's group for some support!

You need to help yourself immediately by:
1. moving to a smaller house/condo (less to clean) in an area where people walk their kids and dogs to playgrounds and parks (you'll meet friends)
2. get your child to some kind of care (or get babysitter) at least one time a week for starters and then go for a coffee somewhere, enjoy long sips and watch the world go by.
3. real vacation even if short one (weekend), but somewhere nice and easy (no cooking, no pets), just sitting in a wicker chair and smiling at your child and husband.
4. last not least, make yourself and yr husband laugh (a lot)with a glass of wine - life is just a trivial affair anyway
None of it is hard to do and it will make you love what is most beautiful in life your child, yr husband and sweet, sweet pets. Courage, ha?!

Oh my gosh, you just described my life, except i have 3 kids.. and i thought i was the only one that couldnt pull it all together.. hang in there, im trying also