Where I've been
I was going to write a whole long post about everything that is going on in my life, but honestly, I don't have the energy.
To sum up-
I am not happy. I should be- I've got an amazing husband, an amazing kid, and a roof over my head.
But, I'm not happy.
I am completely overwhelmed.
I have to keep a house with three humans and four animals clean by myself.
I have to feed two of the animals twice a day, and the other two animals three times a day. Two of the animals get medication twice a day.
I have to take care of my kid mostly by myself. (The husband works a minimum of 60 hours a week, and we have no family of friends nearby, or a babysitter.)
My kid has been fighting her nap every day.
No nap means no break for me.
No nap means no showering for me. Last week I set a record for days in a row without showering.
My kid eats three full meals a day which I mostly cook from scratch, and two snacks.
My point is I don't know how to take care of everyone, cook, clean, run errands, pay bills, exercise, etc., etc., etc.
Things are falling through the cracks.
Bills are getting paid late, thank you cards aren't being written, emails aren't being returned.
And when I try to relax, I'm not really relaxing because I have all of the things I haven't done hanging over me.
I go to bed every night still not recovered from the day. And sleeping doesn't fix that because you can't mentally unwind when you are sleeping.
I can't catch up.
Speaking of sleeping-
My sleep quality sucks.
I'm not being dramatic when I say that in order to get everything done after watching my kid for 12-13 hours straight, I would then have to spend the three hours between her bed time and my bed time working non stop.
I just can't do that. I am in too much pain and too exhausted.
I am spent.
The worst part is- my husband works so hard- he leaves the house before Willa wakes up and on a good night gets home an hour before she goes to sleep. He then eats dinner, returns emails, and does a bunch of chores. He often only gets five hours of sleep. His days off are spent running errands and giving me break.
He carries the weight of supporting his family, and deals with a wife who is both physically and mentally a mess.
When does he get a break?
This in turn makes me feel tremendously guilty.
I've been very manic- one minute bursting with love and happiness, the next hanging on to my sanity with a thread.
I've been crying in front of my child.
Today, I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream.
Anyway, I didn't write this for sympathy- I'm just trying to explain my absence.
I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm trying to figure out my life.
I haven't had the urge to write anything, because writing takes energy that I haven't got.
Please bear with me