Well, since I wrote this, over a year ago, things have only gotten worse.
Shortly after I wrote that post I got a steroid injection in my shoulder which gave me some relief for about 3-4 months. So it flared up again, and I tried to ignore it, until it got so bad that I was in constant pain. A couple of months ago my doctor scheduled me for another shoulder injection. This time I got no relief. Before the injection, they gave me a comprehensive ultrasound, and the results were not good. Fraying tendons, misshaped capsule, substantial inflammation. Not good.
A little less than 5 years ago I had shoulder surgery. The recovery was HORRIBLE. It was months before I could use my arm. How could I go through that with a toddler?
As I said in the post I linked to, the pain makes everything harder. EVERYTHING. I'm exhausted by the end of the day.
So, I finally bit the bullet. We hired a mother's helper. It's only for 8 hours a week, but it is going to be so helpful. We're not looking at it as a luxury, we're looking at it as a necessity. I am so thankful that my husband's new salary is making it so that we can afford some help. We really need help.
My husband also wants me to hire someone to come and clean at least a couple of times a month. He's totally right- we should do that- It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to clean, however, there is a part of me that feels so weird about hiring people to help me.
When I go to parties, you'll often find me chatting with the waiters, or the kitchen staff. I feel awkward having people do things for me. I don't ever want anyone to think that I'm entitled or spoiled.
I trying to learn how to accept help, but It's hard. I think maybe it's because I'm not OK with needing help. I want to be independent. I want to be able to do it all.
I don't want to be trapped in this body that keeps failing me.
But I am.