]]>
I went into the city for the first time since we moved, and I couldn't wait to leave.
All my life Manhattan has been my home. Even when I didn't live there I considered it home.
But, yesterday, it felt foreign to me.
I couldn't deal with the crowds, and the smell of urine in the subway, and the heat pouring off the concrete. I kept thinking "I just want to go home." And I meant this place I'm living in now.
I never thought I would feel that way about Manhattan.
As I get older my priorities are changing. If you told the teenage me that one day I wouldn't be comfortable in the city, she wouldn't believe you.
I've been living in the new place for less than a month, and I'm already feeling like it's home.
I guess that's a good sign.
]]>His sunken cheeks. His bulging eyes. His frail, skinny arms. His shuffling gait.
It haunts me.
Yesterday I was in a yoga class. We were doing the part of the class where you do deep breathing and meditate. And the image of my father, a skeleton of his former self, kept popping into my head.
I don't really know what to do to stop thinking about it. I really wish I hadn't seen him like that, but I did. My advice to anyone who is debating whether or not they should see someone they care about on their death bed is DON'T. It is so much better to remember them as they were.
I feel like I have come to terms with his death, so I don't understand why I still have bad dreams and constantly think about him. Maybe I have some unresolved issues?
There are definitely things that I am mad about, but there's nothing I can do about it now that my father is gone.
I need to move on.
I just don't know how.
]]>But, there is one thing that has been a struggle- the lack of interaction with adults.
You don't realize it, but in Manhattan there are people EVERYWHERE, so you can't help but interact with them.
When we lived in Manhattan my day was punctuated by interaction. Conversations with the doorman, the maintenance guy, the people in the lobby, and the people in the elevator.
I'm a very social person and I don't think anyone would ever describe me as shy. I'll strike up a conversation with anyone. And, until I moved to the suburbs, where I don't have any friends, I didn't realize how much I relied on those conversations.
I feel awkward because whenever I have the fortune to have a conversation with someone here I have to be careful that I don't talk their ear off. I feel like I'm back in high school on the first day trying to figure out how to start talking someone. Who can I sit next to in the lunchroom?
I must admit that I'm a bit lonely. That might also be because several of my close friends have not called or emailed me since I moved. And no one has visited. I am quite surprised and a little bit hurt.
As usual, thank god for the internet. It makes me feel a little less alone.
The strange part is that she stopped cold turkey. She breast fed like she normally does on Friday night before bed, and then Saturday morning she refused. She acted like I was trying to pour castor oil down her throat. I thought maybe it was because she is teething, but she went the whole day without breast feeding. Tomorrow will be one week.
Now, I know everyone says this about their kids, but Willa really is an unusual baby.
So, it did not really surprise me that she quit like that, but I was concerned.
When i called the pediatrician to tell him he said "that's weird".
I can only get her to drink 4-6 ounces of soy milk a and she's supposed to have about 24 ounces.
Because of this she is eating like a 16 year old football player. I can't give her enough food.
She eats 3 huge meals a day and at least 2 snacks. Everything she eats is organic and healthy, so I'm not worried about her getting enough nutrition, but I am worried about her getting enough fat. The only dairy product I was willing to give her was yogurt, but she doesn't like it- which is funny, because she likes almost everything.
I'm trying to give her lots of avocado and olive oil.
On a personal note-
I have mixed emotions about the breast feeding being over.
I will miss the convenience of it. I will miss having something to soothe my child with. The insane, worse case scenario part of me will miss having a back up food supply for my kid if we are ever stuck on a plane for 11 hours or trapped in our car in a snow storm. I will miss knowing that she is getting awesome nutrients and anti-bodies. I'm really happy that I breast fed my child for a year, especially considering I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it at all.
How does the other part of me feel about it?
HALLELUJAH!
Willa has not taken a bottle since she was about 4 months old. That is totally my fault. When my dad was sick and right after he died, there was a period where I didn't give Willa a bottle for a couple of weeks. For those of you who have never breast fed I'll let you in on a little secret. Having someone give the baby a bottle is not as convenient as it sounds. Every time someone gives the baby a bottle your breasts still need to be drained, so you have to pump. When I was really busy it was just easier for me to give Willa the boob. No one was around helping me- my husband was working a lot- and if I gave her a bottle I would then have to pump- and find a way to occupy her while I was doing it, and I didn't have time for that. So, she went a couple of weeks without a bottle. And when things settled down and I thought it might be nice to spend an hour or two away from Willa, she refused to take a bottle. REFUSED. believe me we tried all different types of bottles, but Willa is a stubborn child, and I was too tired and emotionally drained to listen to her scream, so I gave her the boob. I had no idea how I was going to wean her, and I was afraid she would never give up the boob.
*(Hey new moms or moms to be- PLEASE give your baby a bottle. Once breast feeding is established- usually around 2-3 weeks- there is no reason you can't give your baby a bottle. Nipple confusion is a myth. Being able to leave your baby alone for more than a few minutes is important for your mental health. Please learn from my mistake and give your baby a bottle!)
So, yep, for 8-9 months it was all me. All boobs, all the time.
Which meant that I could never really go anywhere for very long.
And the insane irrational part of me would worry that I would get into a car accident and die and then WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!?
Exclusively breast feeding made me a prisoner. I couldn't be away from my child for more than a few hours. And breast feeding was part of Willa's bed time routine, so I could never go anywhere at night before 8pm which was really limiting.
I had no idea how we were going to get Willa to go to sleep without breast feeding, but that first night we just put her in her crib and she cried for maybe 2 minutes and then went to sleep. Just like that.
So, now I have this new sense of freedom.
I don't have to be there when she wakes up in the morning! I don't have to be there for nap time! I can go to a 7:30 movie! The world is my oyster!
I think maybe this is an opportunity for me to focus on myself a little bit. If I can even remember how to do that.
Willa is just a little over a year and I'm already forgetting the little details.
I curse myself for not writing everything down. I curse my laziness.
I just feel like life is flying by, and I wish it would slow down. I'm not living life to the fullest. I'm not savoring the small moments.
My kid is waving to everyone. And taking steps. And saying new words every day. I feel like I was just pregnant yesterday.
I feel like I'm going to blink and it's going to be her first day of kindergarten. And then I'm going to blink again and she's going to be going to the prom.
Life is flying by and I don't feel like I'm doing a good enough job of documenting it.
I think the move is making me sentimental.
Also, yesterday would have been my dad's 71st birthday.
I hope the stress I am feeling now doesn't crush me.
]]>Sorry about all of the dust in here.
Where have I been?
BUSY.
Holy Crap.
We are moving in 1 1/2 weeks.
Have you ever tried packing while taking care of a toddler? It is virtually impossible.
And yes. A toddler. In my absence from here, Willa turned one and has started taking a few unassisted steps.
If I was a better mother I would write a whole long post about my child's first year and how AWESOME she is, but MY GOD THE PACKING.
Also, lots of photography related projects. Including, pictures I shot for a book. (!)
Have I mentioned the packing? SO MUCH PACKING.
I am desperately trying to get rid of stuff by giving it to friends, family, and charity, but MY GOD SO MUCH STUFF.
The good thing about living in an apartment building is that I can steal all of the boxes people are getting rid of. SCORE!
If I never see another cardboard box in my life I'M OK WITH THAT.
Also, does anybody need some staples? Because, and I'm not sure how this has happened, we seem to have accumulated more boxes of staples than your local office supply store keeps in stock.
I think it's time for me to come up with some new and exciting ways to use staples. Cuff links? Earrings? Keeping my kids arms pinned to her side when I'm trying to wipe her face?
I have so much more to write- like about how I'm freaking out about leaving Manhattan, about how I'm trying to be more of a responsible adult (Ew! Gross!), about how I'm dealing with my dad's death (it's normal to have bad dreams EVERY NIGHT, right?), about what an asshole Mookie (my cat) is, about my panic attack this morning when I had to write a check for two months rent for the new place after I had already paid for one month, about how moving was supposed to save us money, BUT IT'S TOTALLY NOT.
- But, I just can't find the time.
Next time I move I think I'm going to go on vacation two weeks before and hope that magical fairies will pack everything for me.
]]>]]>
Like, REALLY shitty.
Like, stereotypical, fire breathing, crazy, PMS'ing shitty.
I woke up this morning with the intention of being in a better mood.
My plan was working. My kid was being cute. We split a pear and she made yummy (nom nom nom) sounds every time she put a piece in her mouth.
We took Dexter on a nice long walk. Willa pointed at all of the flowers and dogs she saw.
The weather was beautiful
Then, we were a half a block from our building when a man came up behind us and said "Can you let me by? You're taking up the whole side walk!"
?????
There I am struggling to wrangle a dog and a stroller, and it's trash day, so half the sidewalk is covered in garbage bags, and we were about 50 feet from an area where he could have gotten around us, and he thought that the appropriate response was to be rude to me?
So, I yelled at him "Have you ever heard the phrase excuse me?"
To which he replied "Have you? (What the fuck does that even mean? Good comeback douche.)
To which I replied "What, am I supposed to be psychic? How was I supposed to know you were behind me? ASSHOLE."
Then I walked into my building and the skin on all of the people in the lobby melted right off.
So, now I'm in a bad mood. AGAIN.
And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in a situation like that when my daughter is with me.
I don't want her to start yelling "ASSHOLE" at people, but I also don't want her to think it's ok for people to treat her with disrespect.
It's a fine line.
]]>What are yours?
I just don't have the time. Running the household. Taking care of the animals. Taking care of Willa. Packing. Etc., Etc., Etc.
Willa's modeling career has kept me really busy lately too. In the last two weeks she's either had an audition (go-see) or a shoot on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. She has a photo shoot and a go-see tomorrow.
I am exhausted.
And I spend Willa's naps eating or showering or returning phone calls. It's really annoying how much time eating and showering takes.
At night, after Willa goes to sleep, I make dinner (although lately I've been ordering out WAY too much because I just don't have the energy to cook), eat dinner, return emails, make phone calls, try to have an actual conversation with my husband, and watch TV. I barely have time to read blogs, let alone write one.
I'm sad because blogging is one of the few things I do for myself, and I've met a lot of great people on the internet. But, the truth is, I'm not a writer. When something is on my mind I don't feel the need to write it down. I've never kept a journal. When I write it's forced. I struggle to explain myself properly. I wish we could all just hang out- I'm much wittier in person.
I'm trying to prioritize thing in my life right now. Things that are important to me right now-being a good mother, wife, and friend. Eating healthy. Exercising. Photography. Updating my blog is on the bottom of the list.
I'm really stressed out. I can barely get the daily stuff done. I don't know how I'm going to find time to pack. I'm moving in two months. AND I have stuff going on EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
Somethings got to give. I need to spend more time away from the computer. I'm addicted and it's not healthy.
I'll still Twitter and Flickr. And I might come back here eventually.
I'll miss you guys.
]]>1) Does your baby/child sleep through the night?
2) What time do they go to bed? What time do they wake up?
3) Do they sleep in a crib or toddler bed? Is it in their own room?
4) Are they being breastfed?
5) If they wake up in the middle of the night do you need to breastfeed or bottle feed them to get them to go back to sleep?
6) What type/brand of diapers do you use?
7) Do you use a different/special overnight diaper?
Feel free to also tell us any tips, or stories about your child's sleep habits.
]]>One minute I am banging my head against the wall because my kid is screaming in her crib because she won't take a nap and I know she is tired. So, I end up having to put her in the stroller and walk and walk in the cold and rain for 45 minutes with tears streaming down my face because I am hungry and exhausted. The next minute I am playing with my kid and she is in a great mood- curious and laughing- and I think my heart is going to burst from all of the love.
One minute I am annoyed and yanking on Dexter's leash shouting "LEAVE IT" when he tries to eat some unidentified thing off of the sidewalk because I know it will give him diarrhea and he will wake me up in the middle of the night to go out- because I'm not exhausted enough already. The next minute Dexter greets me when I walk in the door with a stuffed animal in his mouth and a wagging tail. Later we snuggle in bed together and he rolls around on his back snorting with delight while I rub his tummy.
One minute I feel like I'm a fraud for calling myself a photographer because I really have no idea what I'm doing technically- I'm afraid that one of my clients will ask me a technical question and I won't know the answer. The next, I am excited and proud of a picture I took and I feel like I really have an eye. And isn't the end result- a good picture- all that really matters?
One minute I'm feeling self conscious and embarrassed about my post-baby body. And I'm angry at myself for not eating better and exercising more. The next, minute my husband tells me I'm sexy, and I realize that maybe my body isn't so bad, and that in a couple of years when we have more money I can hire a trainer and really get in shape.
One minute I'm totally stressed out about all of the things I have to do. The next, I'm crossing stuff off of the list and feeling a sense of accomplishment.
One minute I am in so much pain. My shoulder, my back, my hips. The next minute I realize that I am thankful that I can walk, and that I have access to some of the best medical care in the world.
One minute I feel like life is too much for me to handle. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. The next minute I'm at the park, pushing Willa in the swing while she squeals with joy, my husband and Dexter standing next to me, and I realize that maybe life isn't so bad after all.
]]>Must be proficient at back tickling, nursery rhymes, and folding laundry in a perfectly anal way.
Must actually clean under things.
Salary will be paid in cuteness, baked goods, and gratitude.
If interested please comment below.
]]>We are moving out of Manhattan.
Yes, we are THAT couple. The one who has a baby and then flees to the suburbs. My "cool" factor was already lower than most humans and now it is hovering in dangerous territory.
This decision was not made lightly. There was much thought and consideration and many conversations.
Here's a list of reasons we are leaving Manhattan:
1) We can't afford to live here anymore. We were already struggling financially and we found out that between rent and parking our expenses were going to go up about $1,000 a month next year. As much as I enjoy sleeping with strangers I do not enjoy standing on a street corner when it is cold or raining, so the obvious solution was; MOVE SOMEWHERE CHEAPER. (And sleep with strangers for free.)
2) We don't take advantage of what this city has to offer therefore making the higher prices we pay for everything even more ridiculous.
We're vegetarian and I'm the pickiest eater on the planet, so we aren't sampling all of the amazing restaurants in Manhattan. We can't afford to go to concerts and shows. And we aren't the bar/club types.
3) Our neighborhood is isolating.
We live on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The nearest subway stop is about a 20 minute walk from us. Central park is about a half an hour walk away. We hardly travel outside our neighborhood and as much as I love the neighborhood feel of the Upper East Side most of the interesting stuff in the city is NOT UP HERE. I might feel differently if we lived in a different neighborhood. And we certainly can't drive anywhere in the city because there are approximately 700 parking spaces for 7,000 cars in this city.
4) Dexter hardly ever gets to go to the park. Like I said above, we live about a half an hour from Central Park. Dogs are only allowed off the leash there before 9 am. Willa doesn't wake up until about 8am. Plus, if it's warm out, by the time we get there Dexter is already worn out. There is a dog run about a half a mile from us, but it is basically just a slab of cement fenced in. We bring Dexter there and he just stands there and stares at us like "You expect me to run around ON THIS?" Whenever we drive out to the suburbs and he sees grass he immediately throws his body onto it and rolls around like I do when I see a pile of money. This breaks my heart.
5) When I was young the city was fun and exciting. Now that I'm old and crotchety the city has become annoying. All the PEOPLE. SO MANY PEOPLE. YES, YES THE BUILDINGS ARE REALLY TALL NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. And the SMELLS. And the NOISE. I'm sick of all of it.
6) Then there are the MANY MANY inconveniences. Not being able to buy more groceries than you can carry. Having to walk Dexter in the rain and snow and having to pay someone to walk him on nights that my husband is working. The elevators never working. NO TARGET. The list goes on and on.
Here's a list of reasons why we are so excited to be moving:
1) Our new place is AWESOME. It's not fancy. No granite or crown moldings, BUT there's 300 square feet more than we have now! And a second bathroom! (We can poop in unison!) And a basement! (Storage!) And OUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER! AND A GARAGE! And street parking! And- I don't know if you can handle this- A BACKYARD! (Fenced in!)
2) We will be living within walking distance of the train. NO JOKE- it will actually take us less time to get to Grand Central Station from the new place than from where we live now.
3) We will also be living within walking distance of our new awesome quaint little town.
4) I get to garden! I can't wait!
5) When we want to go outside we just open the door AND STEP OUTSIDE. Going outside will no longer be a huge production. Also, if it's raining or snowing or the husband is working I can just open the door and let Dexter out in the backyard.
6) There are two great parks where everyone takes their dogs within a five minute drive from our new place. There's also a nature preserve a few minutes away.
7) Trees. Grass. Flowers. FRESH AIR. Ahhhhhh.
8) Two words: KIDDIE POOL.
9) No elevators.
10) We are a ten minute drive from Whole Foods, Target!, and MANY other stores.
Now don't get me wrong- I'm terrified. Manhattan is my home.
When we had to move out of Manhattan when I was 14 I was devastated. I was obsessed with living in Manhattan. When I finally got to move back here 4 years ago I was elated. But, now I'm realizing that I'm not 14 anymore and I want different things. There are definitely things I will miss about Manhattan. There are days when we walk through Central Park and go to a cafe and I'm in love with this city. But, most days I'm just annoyed. When I see Willa's reaction when she sees plants, and birds, and butterflies, I know I'm making the right decision.
So Manhattan, it's not you, IT'S ME.
]]>