A strange thing happened yesterday.

I went into the city for the first time since we moved, and I couldn't wait to leave.

All my life Manhattan has been my home. Even when I didn't live there I considered it home.

But, yesterday, it felt foreign to me.

I couldn't deal with the crowds, and the smell of urine in the subway, and the heat pouring off the concrete. I kept thinking "I just want to go home." And I meant this place I'm living in now.
I never thought I would feel that way about Manhattan.

As I get older my priorities are changing. If you told the teenage me that one day I wouldn't be comfortable in the city, she wouldn't believe you.

I've been living in the new place for less than a month, and I'm already feeling like it's home.

I guess that's a good sign.

Posted by torrie at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I can not get the image of my father in his last days out of my head.

His sunken cheeks. His bulging eyes. His frail, skinny arms. His shuffling gait.

It haunts me.

Yesterday I was in a yoga class. We were doing the part of the class where you do deep breathing and meditate. And the image of my father, a skeleton of his former self, kept popping into my head.

I don't really know what to do to stop thinking about it. I really wish I hadn't seen him like that, but I did. My advice to anyone who is debating whether or not they should see someone they care about on their death bed is DON'T. It is so much better to remember them as they were.

I feel like I have come to terms with his death, so I don't understand why I still have bad dreams and constantly think about him. Maybe I have some unresolved issues?
There are definitely things that I am mad about, but there's nothing I can do about it now that my father is gone.

I need to move on.

I just don't know how.

Posted by torrie at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Living in the suburbs is going well so far.

But, there is one thing that has been a struggle- the lack of interaction with adults.

You don't realize it, but in Manhattan there are people EVERYWHERE, so you can't help but interact with them.

When we lived in Manhattan my day was punctuated by interaction. Conversations with the doorman, the maintenance guy, the people in the lobby, and the people in the elevator.
I'm a very social person and I don't think anyone would ever describe me as shy. I'll strike up a conversation with anyone. And, until I moved to the suburbs, where I don't have any friends, I didn't realize how much I relied on those conversations.

I feel awkward because whenever I have the fortune to have a conversation with someone here I have to be careful that I don't talk their ear off. I feel like I'm back in high school on the first day trying to figure out how to start talking someone. Who can I sit next to in the lunchroom?

I must admit that I'm a bit lonely. That might also be because several of my close friends have not called or emailed me since I moved. And no one has visited. I am quite surprised and a little bit hurt.

As usual, thank god for the internet. It makes me feel a little less alone.

Posted by torrie at 01:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Today I am sad. I was sitting here listening to Willa playing with my mother in the other room- she was giggling and having a great time. I was thinking back to when she was smaller- just a few months old- there was a word I would say and she would instantly giggle. I can't remember what the word was.

Willa is just a little over a year and I'm already forgetting the little details.
I curse myself for not writing everything down. I curse my laziness.

I just feel like life is flying by, and I wish it would slow down. I'm not living life to the fullest. I'm not savoring the small moments.

My kid is waving to everyone. And taking steps. And saying new words every day. I feel like I was just pregnant yesterday.

I feel like I'm going to blink and it's going to be her first day of kindergarten. And then I'm going to blink again and she's going to be going to the prom.

Life is flying by and I don't feel like I'm doing a good enough job of documenting it.

I think the move is making me sentimental.

Also, yesterday would have been my dad's 71st birthday.

I hope the stress I am feeling now doesn't crush me.

Posted by torrie at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Oh. Hi!

Sorry about all of the dust in here.

Where have I been?

BUSY.

Holy Crap.

We are moving in 1 1/2 weeks.

Have you ever tried packing while taking care of a toddler? It is virtually impossible.

And yes. A toddler. In my absence from here, Willa turned one and has started taking a few unassisted steps.

If I was a better mother I would write a whole long post about my child's first year and how AWESOME she is, but MY GOD THE PACKING.

Also, lots of photography related projects. Including, pictures I shot for a book. (!)

Have I mentioned the packing? SO MUCH PACKING.
I am desperately trying to get rid of stuff by giving it to friends, family, and charity, but MY GOD SO MUCH STUFF.

The good thing about living in an apartment building is that I can steal all of the boxes people are getting rid of. SCORE!

If I never see another cardboard box in my life I'M OK WITH THAT.

Also, does anybody need some staples? Because, and I'm not sure how this has happened, we seem to have accumulated more boxes of staples than your local office supply store keeps in stock.
I think it's time for me to come up with some new and exciting ways to use staples. Cuff links? Earrings? Keeping my kids arms pinned to her side when I'm trying to wipe her face?

I have so much more to write- like about how I'm freaking out about leaving Manhattan, about how I'm trying to be more of a responsible adult (Ew! Gross!), about how I'm dealing with my dad's death (it's normal to have bad dreams EVERY NIGHT, right?), about what an asshole Mookie (my cat) is, about my panic attack this morning when I had to write a check for two months rent for the new place after I had already paid for one month, about how moving was supposed to save us money, BUT IT'S TOTALLY NOT.
- But, I just can't find the time.

Next time I move I think I'm going to go on vacation two weeks before and hope that magical fairies will pack everything for me.

Posted by torrie at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I've been in a really shitty mood lately.

Like, REALLY shitty.

Like, stereotypical, fire breathing, crazy, PMS'ing shitty.

I woke up this morning with the intention of being in a better mood.
My plan was working. My kid was being cute. We split a pear and she made yummy (nom nom nom) sounds every time she put a piece in her mouth.

We took Dexter on a nice long walk. Willa pointed at all of the flowers and dogs she saw.
The weather was beautiful

Then, we were a half a block from our building when a man came up behind us and said "Can you let me by? You're taking up the whole side walk!"

?????

There I am struggling to wrangle a dog and a stroller, and it's trash day, so half the sidewalk is covered in garbage bags, and we were about 50 feet from an area where he could have gotten around us, and he thought that the appropriate response was to be rude to me?

So, I yelled at him "Have you ever heard the phrase excuse me?"

To which he replied "Have you? (What the fuck does that even mean? Good comeback douche.)

To which I replied "What, am I supposed to be psychic? How was I supposed to know you were behind me? ASSHOLE."

Then I walked into my building and the skin on all of the people in the lobby melted right off.

So, now I'm in a bad mood. AGAIN.

And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in a situation like that when my daughter is with me.

I don't want her to start yelling "ASSHOLE" at people, but I also don't want her to think it's ok for people to treat her with disrespect.

It's a fine line.

Posted by torrie at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

-To cross more off my to-do list
-To eat healthier
-To exercise more
-To stop saying self deprecating things in front of my daughter
-To take my dog to the park more often
-To have more sex
-To get more massages
-To be more productive
-To like salad
-To tell her how I really feel about it
-To be more organized
-To get rid of a lot of stuff
-To not get so angry when I drive
-To watch less television
-To read more books
-To do more crossword puzzles
-To do more charity work
-To cook different/interesting things more often
-To not let my mood be dictated by whether the Mets win or lose
-To do more for my friends
-To learn more about photography
-To learn how to use photo shop properly
-To spend less time on the computer
-To write in the journal I keep for my daughter more often
-To be more understanding
-To take joy in the little things

What are yours?

Posted by torrie at 08:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I may not be done here.

Posted by torrie at 08:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I think I might be done here. At least for a while. I don't know. It's feeling like a chore.

I just don't have the time. Running the household. Taking care of the animals. Taking care of Willa. Packing. Etc., Etc., Etc.
Willa's modeling career has kept me really busy lately too. In the last two weeks she's either had an audition (go-see) or a shoot on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. She has a photo shoot and a go-see tomorrow.
I am exhausted.
And I spend Willa's naps eating or showering or returning phone calls. It's really annoying how much time eating and showering takes.

At night, after Willa goes to sleep, I make dinner (although lately I've been ordering out WAY too much because I just don't have the energy to cook), eat dinner, return emails, make phone calls, try to have an actual conversation with my husband, and watch TV. I barely have time to read blogs, let alone write one.

I'm sad because blogging is one of the few things I do for myself, and I've met a lot of great people on the internet. But, the truth is, I'm not a writer. When something is on my mind I don't feel the need to write it down. I've never kept a journal. When I write it's forced. I struggle to explain myself properly. I wish we could all just hang out- I'm much wittier in person.

I'm trying to prioritize thing in my life right now. Things that are important to me right now-being a good mother, wife, and friend. Eating healthy. Exercising. Photography. Updating my blog is on the bottom of the list.

I'm really stressed out. I can barely get the daily stuff done. I don't know how I'm going to find time to pack. I'm moving in two months. AND I have stuff going on EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
Somethings got to give. I need to spend more time away from the computer. I'm addicted and it's not healthy.

I'll still Twitter and Flickr. And I might come back here eventually.

I'll miss you guys.

Posted by torrie at 09:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I'm trying to do some research. It would be really helpful if you answer the following questions:

1) Does your baby/child sleep through the night?
2) What time do they go to bed? What time do they wake up?
3) Do they sleep in a crib or toddler bed? Is it in their own room?
4) Are they being breastfed?
5) If they wake up in the middle of the night do you need to breastfeed or bottle feed them to get them to go back to sleep?
6) What type/brand of diapers do you use?
7) Do you use a different/special overnight diaper?

Feel free to also tell us any tips, or stories about your child's sleep habits.

Posted by torrie at 06:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (49)

One minute I am having a bad dream about my father that I can't remember the details of when I wake up. The next I am having a dream that my husband and I are having hot shower sex.

One minute I am banging my head against the wall because my kid is screaming in her crib because she won't take a nap and I know she is tired. So, I end up having to put her in the stroller and walk and walk in the cold and rain for 45 minutes with tears streaming down my face because I am hungry and exhausted. The next minute I am playing with my kid and she is in a great mood- curious and laughing- and I think my heart is going to burst from all of the love.

One minute I am annoyed and yanking on Dexter's leash shouting "LEAVE IT" when he tries to eat some unidentified thing off of the sidewalk because I know it will give him diarrhea and he will wake me up in the middle of the night to go out- because I'm not exhausted enough already. The next minute Dexter greets me when I walk in the door with a stuffed animal in his mouth and a wagging tail. Later we snuggle in bed together and he rolls around on his back snorting with delight while I rub his tummy.

One minute I feel like I'm a fraud for calling myself a photographer because I really have no idea what I'm doing technically- I'm afraid that one of my clients will ask me a technical question and I won't know the answer. The next, I am excited and proud of a picture I took and I feel like I really have an eye. And isn't the end result- a good picture- all that really matters?

One minute I'm feeling self conscious and embarrassed about my post-baby body. And I'm angry at myself for not eating better and exercising more. The next, minute my husband tells me I'm sexy, and I realize that maybe my body isn't so bad, and that in a couple of years when we have more money I can hire a trainer and really get in shape.

One minute I'm totally stressed out about all of the things I have to do. The next, I'm crossing stuff off of the list and feeling a sense of accomplishment.

One minute I am in so much pain. My shoulder, my back, my hips. The next minute I realize that I am thankful that I can walk, and that I have access to some of the best medical care in the world.

One minute I feel like life is too much for me to handle. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. The next minute I'm at the park, pushing Willa in the swing while she squeals with joy, my husband and Dexter standing next to me, and I realize that maybe life isn't so bad after all.

Posted by torrie at 05:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Looking for a Masseuse/ Babysitter/ Housekeeper

Must be proficient at back tickling, nursery rhymes, and folding laundry in a perfectly anal way.

Must actually clean under things.

Salary will be paid in cuteness, baked goods, and gratitude.

If interested please comment below.

Posted by torrie at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

So, BIG news.

We are moving out of Manhattan.

Yes, we are THAT couple. The one who has a baby and then flees to the suburbs. My "cool" factor was already lower than most humans and now it is hovering in dangerous territory.

This decision was not made lightly. There was much thought and consideration and many conversations.

Here's a list of reasons we are leaving Manhattan:

1) We can't afford to live here anymore. We were already struggling financially and we found out that between rent and parking our expenses were going to go up about $1,000 a month next year. As much as I enjoy sleeping with strangers I do not enjoy standing on a street corner when it is cold or raining, so the obvious solution was; MOVE SOMEWHERE CHEAPER. (And sleep with strangers for free.)

2) We don't take advantage of what this city has to offer therefore making the higher prices we pay for everything even more ridiculous.
We're vegetarian and I'm the pickiest eater on the planet, so we aren't sampling all of the amazing restaurants in Manhattan. We can't afford to go to concerts and shows. And we aren't the bar/club types.

3) Our neighborhood is isolating.
We live on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The nearest subway stop is about a 20 minute walk from us. Central park is about a half an hour walk away. We hardly travel outside our neighborhood and as much as I love the neighborhood feel of the Upper East Side most of the interesting stuff in the city is NOT UP HERE. I might feel differently if we lived in a different neighborhood. And we certainly can't drive anywhere in the city because there are approximately 700 parking spaces for 7,000 cars in this city.

4) Dexter hardly ever gets to go to the park. Like I said above, we live about a half an hour from Central Park. Dogs are only allowed off the leash there before 9 am. Willa doesn't wake up until about 8am. Plus, if it's warm out, by the time we get there Dexter is already worn out. There is a dog run about a half a mile from us, but it is basically just a slab of cement fenced in. We bring Dexter there and he just stands there and stares at us like "You expect me to run around ON THIS?" Whenever we drive out to the suburbs and he sees grass he immediately throws his body onto it and rolls around like I do when I see a pile of money. This breaks my heart.

5) When I was young the city was fun and exciting. Now that I'm old and crotchety the city has become annoying. All the PEOPLE. SO MANY PEOPLE. YES, YES THE BUILDINGS ARE REALLY TALL NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. And the SMELLS. And the NOISE. I'm sick of all of it.

6) Then there are the MANY MANY inconveniences. Not being able to buy more groceries than you can carry. Having to walk Dexter in the rain and snow and having to pay someone to walk him on nights that my husband is working. The elevators never working. NO TARGET. The list goes on and on.

Here's a list of reasons why we are so excited to be moving:

1) Our new place is AWESOME. It's not fancy. No granite or crown moldings, BUT there's 300 square feet more than we have now! And a second bathroom! (We can poop in unison!) And a basement! (Storage!) And OUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER! AND A GARAGE! And street parking! And- I don't know if you can handle this- A BACKYARD! (Fenced in!)

2) We will be living within walking distance of the train. NO JOKE- it will actually take us less time to get to Grand Central Station from the new place than from where we live now.

3) We will also be living within walking distance of our new awesome quaint little town.

4) I get to garden! I can't wait!

5) When we want to go outside we just open the door AND STEP OUTSIDE. Going outside will no longer be a huge production. Also, if it's raining or snowing or the husband is working I can just open the door and let Dexter out in the backyard.

6) There are two great parks where everyone takes their dogs within a five minute drive from our new place. There's also a nature preserve a few minutes away.

7) Trees. Grass. Flowers. FRESH AIR. Ahhhhhh.

8) Two words: KIDDIE POOL.

9) No elevators.

10) We are a ten minute drive from Whole Foods, Target!, and MANY other stores.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm terrified. Manhattan is my home.
When we had to move out of Manhattan when I was 14 I was devastated. I was obsessed with living in Manhattan. When I finally got to move back here 4 years ago I was elated. But, now I'm realizing that I'm not 14 anymore and I want different things. There are definitely things I will miss about Manhattan. There are days when we walk through Central Park and go to a cafe and I'm in love with this city. But, most days I'm just annoyed. When I see Willa's reaction when she sees plants, and birds, and butterflies, I know I'm making the right decision.

So Manhattan, it's not you, IT'S ME.

Posted by torrie at 06:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

As part of Niel's great interview experiment I was interviewed by Ally of Acting Like a Mama.

Here's the interview:

1) We both gave birth to our first baby in May 2007. This means the eventful 1st birthday is not too far away. We are planning of planting a tree for our son – have you thought how you might celebrate Willa’s 1st birthday? Do you have any family birthday traditions?
I can't believe that this kid who was in my belly is going to be turning one in three months. To be honest I have NO IDEA what we are going to do for her birthday. About the only thing we do know is that we will be donating to the Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary in her name.

2) I see you are a picky vegetarian – you are also went to culinary school so must have passion about cooking – If you were able to decide, what would you choose to cook for your last meal on earth?
Wow. That's such a tough question for me. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I would probably have to choose Tagliatelle with cashew cream sauce and parmesan cheese.
.
3) You and your husband sing – what are your musical influences – if you had one song that you had to sing to an audience of 20,000 – what song would you pick?
I used to sing all the time, but some where along the way I lost my confidence. My father-in-law is a singer and I've performed a couple of times with him. I tend to prefer to sing simple folk songs as opposed to rock. My voice doesn't have a lot of power. I was supposed to sing "All that we let in" by the Indigo Girls this year at the Guthrie Center, but my father died the day of the concert, so I canceled at the last minute. My favorite song to preform live would probably be "Tangled up in Blue". Not the Bob Dylan version, but the Indigo Girls version. I really enjoy singing their stuff because I love the harmony. If i had any balls at all I would put a video of me singing on my blog.

4) You say you don’t like the movies that ‘everyone likes’ – what is your all time favourite movie and what do you think makes a good movie?
I don't think I could pick one favorite. I like different movies at different times because of my mood or what happens to be going on in my life . Off the top of my head here are some of my favorite movies: American Beauty, Forrest Gump, Dirty Dancing, Office Space, Clerks, Love Actually, Face Off, Terminator 2, Notting Hill, Garden State. I obviously like a weird mix of action movies and romantic comedies. I don't need a movie to be profound or have amazing cinematography I just need it to entertain me.

*Edited to add- I just saw Juno and I thought it was completely overrated.

5) The last year must have been particularly difficult for you, a pregnancy, giving birth and raising a child, and losing your father. What would be the one thing grief has taught you?
Grief has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was.

6) Your husband seems to work an awful lot, something that I can totally sympathise with – I find it really hard to cope especially in the early evening - What strategies to do you use to cope?
Yeah. He does work a lot, but he still spends more time with Willa than most fathers I've met. He's VERY involved. I think I complain so much about how much he works because I really like him and I miss him when he's not around. Life would be much easier if I didn't like him so much. And, of course, there are days when Willa is being particularly challenging and I miss having some help. On those days I try to go out for a lot of walks- Willa is really happy when we are out and about. The winter is really hard because sometimes it's just too cold to take long walks. On those days we read a lot of books and I put on some music and dance around. Kayne West is Willa's favorite. I have managed to not let her watch television although I have been REALLY tempted.

7) You are an excellent photographer with your work appearing in the New York Times and for Nikon. My favourite photo on your blog is “The Sunshine on My Cloudy Day” (August 6, 2007). What do you like about taking photos? What is the number one tip for us armatures?
Thank you. I really am not a technically skilled photographer, I just have an eye. My number one tip for amateurs is TURN OFF YOUR FLASH. That's the difference between a snapshot and a professional photograph- the lighting. I almost never use a flash and when I do it's a professional flash- not the one that is built into the camera. When you have to use the flash because the light is too low, tape a piece of wax paper over the flash to diffuse it.

8) Once I write a post on my blog, I very rarely return to read it again – the only exception is my labour/birth story – Do you re-read your posts? Why/why not?
Sometimes I read my old posts. I have a horrible memory, so it helps me figure out what I was doing when. Also, if I'm having a rough time, the supportive comments can be really uplifting.

9) If there was one thing that you hoped your blog will achieve – what would it be? Do you write mainly for yourself? Or others?
For me my blog is a social network. I've met so many wonderful people because of it. I know that I'm not a good writer, but it's still nice to be able to express myself and get stuff off of my chest.

10) The blog community can be wonderful at times, and not so wonderful at other times – What are your thoughts on meeting your blog contacts in real life – have you ever done this and did it change your perception of them/their blog?
I have met so many bloggers. Tracy Manford, Heather Hunter, Heather and Jon Armstrong, Sarah Brown, Heather B, Melissa, Schnozz, and so many more. I consider most of the bloggers I've met as my friends. There are also several people who I've "met" on the internet who I haven't met in real life who I consider friends. I want to kiss the internet on the mouth for introducing me to so many fantastic people.

11) You live in Manhattan – I have never traveled out of Australia and would love to go to New York one day – If you had to take me on a tour to your three favourite spots in Manhattan/New York – where would you take me?
First, I would take you to all of the hidden corners of Central Park that most people don't even know about, them we would go to The Museum of Natural History and stare at the giant whale suspended from the ceiling, then we would go to Alice's Tea Cup for high tea.

12) Your blog is titled “I pretty much Hate everything” which can sound very negative, but your posts are far from it – You display such emotion, both good and bad, and some great humour, and lets not mention the wonderful photographs again! How and why did you pick this title?
I REALLY love to complain. it's actually a habit that I am trying to break because I don't Willa to be as negative as me. My problem is that I am constantly disappointed by people and their lack of common sense. I am generally a very nice person, but if you piss me off or hurt someone I care about, WATCH OUT.

Feel free to ask me any additional questions in the comments.

Also, when I can find some time,I'll be interviewing Aimee of Put Your Flare On. She's an American living in Paris, so it should be an interesting interview.

Posted by torrie at 02:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

While hanging out and laughing with your good friends have someone tickle your back while you eat chocolate pudding and watch Barack Obama win three more states.

Posted by torrie at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I'm not going to get into a whole diatribe about politics, but I will say this-
This country has been in a downward spiral for the past several years.
We have the power to change it
Please vote.
I unfortunately can't vote in the primary because I am registered as an independent.

If I could, I would vote for Obama.
He is just what this country needs right now.
Also, I've met him, and he seems like the kind of guy that I would love to hang out with and isn't that what we all really want in a president- someone we can relate to?

Please watch this video. It brought tears to my eyes.

Posted by torrie at 08:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Posted by torrie at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I've been hesitant to write about this because I'm sure I'll get lots of lovely emails from some judgmental assholes, but here goes nothing.

Back in the beginning of November we were in Bloomingdale's returning some stuff, when we saw that they were having a baby model search. So, we decided it would be fun to enter Willa. We filled out a form and then she sat in my lap and they snapped a couple of pictures of her. She gave them a huge smile and that was it. We went home and forgot about it. Then, a couple of weeks later, the phone rang. It was the people from Bloomingdale's calling to tell us that Willa had won the contest. I was dumbfounded.
The prize was a full page ad in The New York Times.
So, a few weeks later Willa had her photo shoot. She had a GREAT time. There were other kids there- they were shooting another ad. She loved meeting everyone and seeing everything.
She gets really bored when we stay at home. She's happiest meeting new people and seeing new things.
Willa's turn came and they plopped her down on a pillow in the middle of this big set in from of ten strangers (photographer, photographer's assistants, buyers, stylists, etc.) and she just looked up at the camera and laughed and smiled. She was awesome.

After the shoot we were talking to one of the women from Bloomingdale's and she said that Willa should model. I said that I thought she might have fun doing it, but I didn't know how to get started. So, she picked up her phone and called her contact at one of the top modeling agencies in the world. She told them that Willa was great and that they should sign her. They asked me to email them a picture. The next morning (a Tuesday) I emailed them and less than two hours later they emailed me back and said they wanted to meet her on Thursday. We met with the agency on Thursday and we were there for about five minutes before they offered her a contract. It was all very surreal.

Now, my husband and I debated this and discussed every aspect. I honestly felt kind of weird about the whole thing. We also had 5 different lawyers read the contract (including two who work in the entertainment industry).
We decided to go for it for the following reasons:

1) As I stated above, Willa LOVES meeting new people and experiencing new things. She lights up whenever someone pays attention to her. On the few go-sees and photo shoots we've been on Willa starts bouncing up and down and screeching happily when she sees the other kids.
2) I looked into mommy and me classes in my neighborhood. They cost about $500-$700 (yes, REALLY) and they only meet once a week. We can't afford that. Even the libraries in my area make you register weeks in advance for story time and most of them only let you go once a month.
3) Willa modeling means people will pay her to have fun. We can put the money in an account for her and if anything ever happens to us at least she'll have a little bit of a cushion. Also, we are just getting by these days and we can't afford to set aside money to put in a college fund for Willa. I am super paranoid about Willa having money for school because I almost wasn't allowed to graduate from culinary school because my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill. It would be great if Willa made enough money to pay for her own college tuition. (Although, I highly doubt it because tuition will probably be a bout a million dollars a year by the time she goes to college.)
4) Once she is actually old enough to understand what modeling is she won't be doing it any more. We don't want her to turn into Jon Bennet Ramsey or Lindsay Lohan.
5) We will be donating a portion of Willa's money to charity.
6)We rarely focus on Willa's beauty. Sure, we occasionally tell her that she is cute or pretty, but mostly we focus on how smart and well behaved she is.
7) We will not compromise our morals. Willa will not model for anything that we don't support such as pharmaceuticals or meat and she won't have to wear any animal products. Her agency is really supportive about this.
8) It's also good for me to get out of the house and meet new people. Plus, I may pick up a few photography tips at the photo shoots.
9) The minute Willa stops having fun we stop.

If you are interested in seeing Willa's ads I will be posting updates on Twitter.

Posted by torrie at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (64)

This has a topic that I've been wanting to write about for a long time.

There seems to be this trend on the internet, specifically in the blogging community- Who is suffering the most?

I remember when I lost my first pregnancy people left comments with undertones of "Well, at least you can GET pregnant". Someone even had the gall to tell me to get over it- that her mother had carried a baby to full term and then had a still birth.

Someone is always suffering more than you.

You had a miscarriage? They've had two.
Your father died? Their spouse died.

When did misery become a competition?

It seems that in order to gain support you must have a hard time. You need to suffer from infertility, or have multiple miscarriages, or be broke, or have an illness, or have a child with physical or developmental delays.
And even if you are suffering from something, rest assured, there is always someone who has it worse.

Is this really human nature? If so, this makes me so sad.

Why can't we be happy for someone when something goes their way?

Money, in particular, seems to be a very touchy subject among bloggers.

I myself, have restricted what I've written about for fear that I would be judged.

When I did the first ad campaign for Nikon they gave me a free D80 camera.
There was a period where, before the ad came out, I wasn't allowed to talk about where I got the camera from or the ad campaign.
I actually hid the fact that I had the D80 until the ad came out because I knew there would be a few people who would say things like "Weren't you just complaining about not having any money? How can you afford that camera?"

There is a lot of assuming going on by people who read blogs.

There are many other things I've been hesitant to write about because people would assume that I have money. And people who have money are obviously spoiled brats.

I have this stroller. It costs about $1,000. My mother-in-law bought it for us. I also have a cleaning lady that my mother-in-law pays for.
We have a car- in Manhattan. It was given to me when my grandmother passed away. The parking in our building is free because my husband is a chief resident.

But what if I had paid for those things myself?

Why is it wrong for people to work hard and reward themselves?
And what if they didn't work hard? What if their family has money? What if they have never known what it is like to struggle financially? Does that make their trials and tribulations or their tragedies any less painful or real? Can someone who is financially stable not be a kind, thoughtful, humble person?

I'm not saying you can't envy someone, or even be a little bit jealous, but why do you need to spew hate at them?

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence it seems. So, while someone might have something that you covet, I'm sure that you have something that they want as well.

Doesn't it make for better karma to be happy and supportive of other people and their triumphs?

I don't agree with everything that people who write the blogs I read do or say. And I think it is perfectly healthy to have friendly debates. But, I would never intentionally insult someone or say something mean to them, no matter how strongly I might disagree with them.

And sure, there are some assholes out there blogging. But, they usually say controversial things just to get attention, so when you leave an obnoxious comment you are just feeding their fire.

So, here's my unsolicited advice-

Don't assume things. You can't possibly know all the details from one (or even several) blog entries.

If you don't have anything nice to say- DON'T SAY ANYTHING. See that little red x at the top of the page? Click it, and move on. No one is forcing you to read someone's blog.

I have several friends who get paid to blog. This does not mean they should write about what you want them to write about. You wouldn't email your favorite author and tell them that their last book was boring and you liked their books better before they had a child, or moved, or whatever other life changing thing happened to them that you think "changed" their writing. You are not paying to read their blog so, again, if you don't like what you read, MOVE ON.

Thank you for being such a good listener.

Posted by torrie at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (47)

1) When I grab a poop bag for a walk with Dexter I try to coordinate it with my outfit.
2) I buy scallion pancakes and then I pick out each and every scallion before I eat them.
3) I don't like movies that everyone else likes. For instance- Heat, Moulin Rouge, Casablanca, It's a Wonderful Life, etc.
4) I actually believe that I am a little bit psychic.
5) Sometimes I pick out a toy for Willa based on what she is wearing.
6) I order quiche from the cafe down the street at least three times a week. That might not sound strange, but what if I told you that it's got mushrooms and leeks in it, and I like neither mushrooms nor leeks, so I pick apart the entire thing? Also, I then bring the mutilated quiche home for my husband to eat, which means my fridge has several containers of quiche in it at all times.
7) I hate porn and sex toys and yet I think I am sexually adventurous.
8) My entire apartment can be a mess, but if a drawer is open or a picture is crooked I lose my mind.
9) I don't eat onions because I think they taste like crunchy bugs.
10) I can't sleep naked because I'm afraid a bug will crawl up my hoo-ha.

Posted by torrie at 08:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Things that are interesting to a seven month old-

Water bottles
Glasses of water
Spoons
The cat's food bowl
Pens
Measuring spoons
Phones
Books
Music
Strangers
New places
Crawling
Being naked
Medical journals

Things that are not interesting to a seven month old-

Mommy
Our apartment
Solid foods
Her sippy cup
99% of her toys
Getting her diaper changed
Putting clothes on
Napping

Posted by torrie at 06:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

When I am interviewing you for a job WATCHING MY INFANT CHILD- do not tell me that you only have personal references because you didn't want to "bother" the people you used to work for.
I 'm not going to hire you based on the fact that your aunt Selma says that you are a really nice girl.

Also, even if you are interviewing for a janitor position, sneakers are NOT appropriate interview attire.

Posted by torrie at 04:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Hi! To answer your question, yes, I am still alive.

I have been very busy. And uninspired.

I am not a writer by nature. Writing takes a lot of effort for me. So, it takes me a bunch of time and energy to write something that most of the time isn't that good anyway.

I don't know whether or not I should just give up blogging. It has come in handy when I need to vent and it is a great social network, but I have so little free time. And I'm already having trouble giving enough attention to the friends I've made through blogging. Do I really have time for more?

Blogging has felt like a chore lately. That isn't the way it's supposed to be - unless of course I was making a bunch of money- It's supposed to be something fun that I do for myself.

I don't know if I can justify spending my time blogging when there's a baby to hold, a dog and cats to play with, a husband to laugh and snuggle with, chores to be done, emails to send, phone calls to make, and pictures to edit.

I'm so torn. Do I quit blogging? Do I just do it very sporadically? Do I change my blog into something else? Video blog? Photo blog?

I just don't know.

Posted by torrie at 09:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (26)

We all have our obsessions.

My husband's obsession is paper napkins. Yes, you read that right. Paper napkins.

I don't know if he was deprived of napkins as a child, or if he had some horrible experience where he desperately needed a napkin and none could be found, but now he hoards them.

They are everywhere. When I'm doing the laundry I find them in his pants pockets. I open a drawer in the bedroom- filled with napkins. When I open a cabinet in the kitchen they fall all over me.

He doesn't discriminate. As long as they are paper napkins he is satisfied.
He gets them from Dunkin Donuts. 7-11. Pizza places. The deli down the street. The cafeteria at the hospital.
He takes them by the fist full. They bring him some kind of security. And joy.

I really don't get it. I guess I should be happy that he's not obsessed with something horrible, like FOOTBALL.
I'm trying to be supportive.

That's why when he comes home from work tomorrow night I'll meet him at the door wearing nothing but paper napkins.

Hey- whatever it takes to keep it interesting.

Posted by torrie at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So, we started feeding Willa solids a couple of days after she turned five months.

Our pediatrician wanted us to wait until Willa was six months old (the current guideline).
Some people may not agree with us not listening to our pediatrician, but I just knew she was ready for solids.
The recommendation used to be four months, but because of the rise in children with food allergies, doctors now recommend waiting until six months.

We debated about whether or not Willa was ready, but we finally decided she was because:
No one in either my family or my husband's family has any food allergies.
She was exhibiting all of the signs that she was ready, including grabbing at our food.
She is physically the size of a six month old (she's 90% for height and 75% for weight).

Only time will tell if we made the right decision, but I'm interested to hear what you guys have to say.

How old was your child when you started them on solids?
Does your child have any food allergies?

Posted by torrie at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

Hey! How are you?
Did you know that trying to blog while taking care of four animals, and a five month old active, teething, doesn't like to sleep baby is virtually impossible? I was not aware of that. Now I am AWARE.
Also, having your laptop break does not help the situation. Especially when you usually use the laptop while you are breastfeeding which is like, oh I don't know, approximately a hundred times a day. But the laptop, it is broken, so you are just left with the PC. Which is in the bedroom. The most un-kid-friendly place in your apartment.
So, you try to write blog posts while the kid is napping, but the kid only takes two 1/2 hour naps a day during which time you do luxurious things like EAT! And GO TO THE BATHROOM! Which leads to several unfinished posts that are just sitting there mocking you.
Well, then there's the evening. The kid does sleep at night. Don't forget about the evening! You have time for blogging in the evening, right?
NOT SO MUCH.
In the evening you do more selfish stuff. Like MAKE DINNER! And EAT said dinner! And SHOWER! And do LAUNDRY! And RETURN PHONE CALLS! And EDIT PICTURES! Oh the excitement!
Plus, you have to fight your husband for the computer anyway. But really, what's more important? Blogging, or your husband's job? You might think the answer is obvious, but your husband keeps jabbering on about needing to make the schedule, and I'm a doctor- Blah Blah BLAH. And you don't have the energy to argue.

So, yeah. You're left with a post like this. Typed one handed while eating a bowl of cereal.

I'm sure there will be more time soon. Like maybe when the kid goes to KINDERGARTEN.

Posted by torrie at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I hate to travel.

First- the actual act of traveling. Driving sucks because of traffic, and it kills my back. And I can't read or do a crossword puzzle in the car because I get carsick.
Flying sucks because I have to figure out how to get to the airport and now with Willa, having a car seat needs to be factored in (when we flew to North Carolina for my dad's memorial service we decided to drive our car to the airport and leave it in long term parking. It cost us $80 but it was still cheaper than taking a cab back and forth, and we didn't have to worry about installing a car seat or lugging one around; our rental car in NC had one). Then of course there are the other fun perks of flying- long lines while dragging all your stuff around, practically having to get undressed when you go through security, delayed or canceled flights, lost luggage, sitting on the runway in a hot plane, terrible food, or lack thereof. The airlines have lost my luggage, damaged my suitcase (several times), made me cry, stranded me in various cities (once in Miami I had to stay in a horrible motel room that smelled- without my luggage because I didn't make my connecting flight, but my bags did). I also seem to catch a cold almost every time I fly.

I was never one of these people who loves traveling. I don't deal well with change.

Hotel beds are always super uncomfortable no matter where you stay. We have a Select Comfort bed and I've become quite addicted to it. Whenever I'm not sleeping at home I am miserable. I remember for my husband's college reunion my mother-in-law treated us to a ridiculously expensive hotel in Boston. The bed was so uncomfortable that we seriously debated going down to the garage and sleeping in our car. And don't even get me started on the pillows. Who the hell likes down pillows? First, they are waaaay too soft. You put your head on one and the part behind your head completely flattens out so you have no neck support at all and the sides stick up and engulf your head like you are wearing giant earmuffs. Second, the feathers stick through the pillow and poke you in the face.

Then there's the food issue. I am the pickiest eater ever. You know Meg Ryan's character in When Harry Met Sally? Yeah, well she's got nothing on me.That combined with the fact that I am a vegetarian makes it very difficult for me to find food when I'm away from home. When I was in France I'd ask for something vegetarian (In French no less) and it would arrive at the table with bacon on it. Then, of course my stomach gets all out of whack. For instance, on my honeymoon I was either constipated or had diarrhea every day. (I know, super sexy, huh? My husband is a lucky man.)

We also have to figure out what to do with the animals when we are away.
Dexter is not the type of dog you can stick in a kennel. The two younger cats are on a special diet (because of Mookie's bladder/kidney problems) where they have to be fed three times a day. Our older cat is about 15 and does not travel well. We usually take Dexter and the two younger cats to my mom's house (a two hour drive away), which is a royal pain in the ass. We have to bring a litter box and litter, bowls, a water fountain, and cans of wet food for the cats, and Dexter's dry food, wet food, and his bowl. Then, let's not forget all of the brushes and medicine. All that stuff, Dexter, the two cats in their carriers, and Willa barely fit in the car. Plus, the cats serenade us with their melodic screaming the entire two hour drive.
I'm very thankful that my mom is willing to take care of the animals (although this means that I can never go on a trip with my mother), but we still have to find someone to come to our apartment and feed our older cat at least once a day.

The amount of stuff we have to bring with us when we travel with Willa is unbelievable. Clothes, wipes, diapers, toys, books, blankets, something for her to sleep in (we brought the Pack N' Play to North Carolina), car seat, and a stroller. We also realized that we need to bring something for her to sit in. She spends a lot of her day hanging out in the bouncy seat or her Bebe Pod. Without it we would have to hold her all the time, which neither of our backs can take (she is giant- she weighs about 18lbs. now). We brought the Bebe Pod to North Carolina. Also, we had to make due with out Willa's bathtub while we were there.

It's all just too much.

Most of the time when I get home from a "vacation" I feel like I need a vacation. I am a creature of habit. I like to be home. I like to sleep in my bed. I like to prepare food the way I like it. I like to be surrounded by my things.

Maybe one day, when I have money, I'll enjoy traveling more. I can charter a private jet. I can hire someone to drive me around. I can have any kind of food I want.
Until then,if you need me, I'll be in my bed, surrounded by my things, picking all of the scallions out of my scallion pancakes, straining the mushrooms out of my mushroom soup, and taking all of the tomato sauce off of my pizza.

Posted by torrie at 03:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

If you are a girl baby:

-You must wear pink at all times, otherwise, even if you are wearing a dress, people will ask if you are a boy.

- You CAN'T wear blue. God forbid. Everyone knows that only boys can wear blue.

-Don't even THINK about wearing anything sports related because as someone said to me once "But that's BOY clothing."

-Your stroller should be pink or purple or covered in butterflies. Only boys ride in blue or black strollers.

-You can't wear jeans (unless it's a jean skirt) because OBVIOUSLY boys wear jeans. Even if the stitching on the jeans is PINK.

-You must have hair, otherwise you must be a boy.
To clarify:
Hair = Girl
Bald = Boy
This explains why people do this to their children.

I hope I've made myself clear.

Obviously a boy:

Posted by torrie at 09:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (38)

Posted by torrie at 09:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Thanks to Elizabeth for the new masthead.

The old one was up there for a year because I am terrible at making mastheads. Photoshop is not my forte. Layers? What's a layer? Also, I had to have a friend put it up for me because I couldn't figure that out either.

If anyone else wants to do a masthead feel free to email it to me.

Bucky is working on one for me. I'm a little scared to see what she comes up with.

Posted by torrie at 11:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

-I found out that my building has been throwing out all of our recyclables with the regular trash. This makes me furious. I promptly reported them.

-I got a botched bikini wax- uneven, ripped skin, wax left all over me- and then the salon had the nerve to try to charge me extra.

-I was breastfeeding Willa and I started laughing. Apparently Willa doesn't like when I laugh because she started to cry. She's so adorable when she cries- she has a perfect pout- that it made me laugh harder which made her cry more.

-I have a canker sore on my tongue.

-Dexter has another hot spot.

-I was clipping my nails so I don't stab myself or my child and a nail clipping flew into my eye.

-The Mets lost.

I'm going to bed before anything else goes wrong.

Update: After a night of virtually no sleep, this is how my morning started.

Posted by torrie at 09:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

-WOW. Britney Spears. WOW. She could at least try a little. She's just going through the motions. She's not even TRYING to lip sync. WOW.

-Sarah Silverman "Amy Winehouse. She is Jewish, right? Well, if she isn't someone should tell her face." Awesome. One of the best lines I've heard all year.

-Alicia Keys is shiny.

-The Monster Single of the year Award? Yeah, out of the 10 songs nominated I've only heard 2. This makes me feel very old.

-Rihanna's hair looks like she cut it with a food processor.

-I think Kayne West is great, but not as great as Kayne West thinks he is.

-I don't know who half of these people are. I AM OLD.

-All I can think of when I see Bill Hader is Vincent Price.

-Beyonce's dress is just a curtain from Ceasar's Palace. At least that's what I hope it is because if she spent money on that she got RIPPED OFF.

-I don't know who Chris Brown is, but boy can he MOVE.

-Justin Timberlake better win Male Artist of the Year.

-Booyah!

-Timbeland is super talented.

-Some advice for Alecia Keys- Just sit at the piano and play. Dancing is not your strong point. Also, what's with the Wonder Woman meets Pocahontas ensemble?

-Jennifer Garner is adorable.

-Mrs. Teen South Carolina. WHAT?

-Who ARE these people?

-Dr. Dre is JACKED.

-Justin Timberlake make me want to hump things.

Well, it's over and I feel old and out of touch. I'm going to take some Geritol and go to bed.

Posted by torrie at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here's the plan- I have decided that I am never actually going to get teeth. I'm just going to teeth FOREVER, or at least until I go away to college. I will be happy, smiling, laughing, and talking up a storm and than with NO WARNING my bottom lip will quiver and I will let out a yelp of pain. I will also have trouble going to sleep and when I finally do fall asleep I will toss back and forth and wake up EVERY HOUR ALL NIGHT.

Love,

Willa

P.S. What does it mean when mommy sits in the corner and rocks back and forth whilst babbling incoherently to herself?

P.P.S. POOP! (AAaaaahahahahahaaaaa!)

Posted by torrie at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

The September 10th issue of Time Magazine (Rosie the Riveter is on the cover) has an obit on my dad on page 22.

Here's a link to it online.
His is the third one down.

Posted by torrie at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Inspired by Dooce's "Oh my god our plumbing is fucked cookie" I bring you Depression Dessert:

1)Crumble one package of graham crackers in baking dish, or if you like to be ghetto like me, use a tupperware container.
2)Make one box of chocolate instant pudding according to the package directions. Pour over graham crackers. (If you are using cooked pudding make sure you let it cool a little first.) Place in fridge.
3)Mix large amounts of peanut putter and marshmallow fluff together. Spread over chocolate pudding (once it has set up).
4)Layer thinly sliced bananas on top of the fluffernutter mixture.
5)Drizzle with chocolate sauce or melted chocolate (I used a melted milk chocolate bar).

If you are really depressed you may also want to add one or all of the following:
M&M's
Caramel sauce
Toasted Coconut
A crushed up candy bar of your choice.
Rum

ENJOY!

Posted by torrie at 08:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

My father is the featured obituary in today's New York Times.
Here's the article.

There's also an article in one of the North Carolina newspapers.
Here's the article.
(This link is no longer active)

I'll continue to update as more articles come out.

Posted by torrie at 03:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

My dad died on Saturday.

I visited him on Friday (my birthday) and he wasn't doing very well. I asked him if he wanted me to cancel my weekend trip and he said to me "That's the last thing I want you to do. Go have fun."
I spoke to his doctor and asked her if I should cancel my trip and she said "I haven't placed him on critical watch yet, so I think he'll be fine through the weekend." I asked her how much longer she thought he had and she said "A week. Two weeks top."

I sat in the chair next to my dad's bed and wept while he was sleeping.

I kissed my dad on the forehead, said I would be back Monday morning, told him I loved him, and left the hospital.

I reluctantly left for my trip to Massachusetts on Friday night. II was supposed to sing at the Guthrie Center on Saturday night. It took us 4 1/2 hours to drive there, through pouring rain. We got there at 11:30pm.

On Saturday morning at 10am I got a call from the hospital saying that my dad's blood pressure was low and they were going to place him on critical watch to be cautious. I asked his doctor if I should drive back and she said "If you're asking me if I think he'll die today the answer is no, but there's always a possibility. Why don't you call me back at 3:00 to check on him because I will have re-evaluated him by then."
At 3pm I called and the nurse told me the doctor wouldn't be available until 4pm.
At 4pm I was breast feeding Willa when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to tell me my father had died.

My first instinct was to feel guilty about the fact that my father died alone.

But the more people I talk to, the more I'm starting to believe that my father didn't want me to watch him die.

My nephew told me that