This is the second to last post on I Pretty Much Hate Everything.
The last post will be a link to my new blog.

So, why am I walking away from here?

I've been blogging here for 6 1/2 years. I have met so many amazing people because of it, and had so many amazing opportunities.
Blogging has seen me through and supported me through so many things- miscarriage, pregnancy, illness, death- just to name a few. I don't regret blogging. It's just that I have evolved, and I feel like my blog hasn't. The thing I hear the most when I meet someone through blogging is that the title of my blog does not suit me. It's such a small part of who I am.

I like to complain, but it is not a quality I admire about myself. It's not what I want to be remembered for. And here comes the cheesy part- it's not the example I want to set for my daughter. Also, I have a pretty good life- and it's time I started acting grateful.

I am still me. I'm still cynical. I'm still generally disappointed with the human race. However, I'm learning to be appreciative of what I have, and to enjoy the little things.

There's also the issue of writing. I am not a writer. Never have been. I have never kept a journal. When I'm working through something I don't have a desire to write about it. Writing isn't cathartic for me, it's a chore. And when you develop an audience (whether it's 10 people or 10 million people) you start to feel an obligation to deliver something to them. I don't need any more pressure or obligation.

I'm really excited about the new blog. It will have a different feel than this one. There will be much less writing (although, there may be the occasional long-winded post), and a lot more images. There will be photographs, design ideas and inspiration, maybe some recipes, and a focus on how I'm striving to live a simpler, happier, healthier life. It's called Shifting Life.

I know some people will be disappointed. Some will think I've lost my "edge".

But, for those of you who have read between the lines on this blog, and have seen that there's more to me than someone who likes to complain a lot, I hope you'll come along and follow me on my journey.

Posted by torrie at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (27)

Fuck The American Mustache Institute
An article by Natalie Portman
Home Alone
You just can't fix stupid
The 20 Best Signs At The National Equality March
It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers Via Dooce
The greatest thing ever
Best comments ever

*If you have any great links, leave a comment. If I use your link in my next Things I'm Enjoying post, I'll link to your blog.

Things I'm Enjoying 6
Things I'm Enjoying 5
Things I'm Enjoying 4
Things I'm Enjoying 3
Things I'm Enjoying 2
Things I'm Enjoying

Posted by torrie at 09:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Remember this?

Well, this past Thursday I dropped off a check to renew our membership. It felt so good to be able to pay for it myself. The Y has been such an important part of our lives this past year.

I can't wait until the day comes when I can return the favor to someone else

Posted by torrie at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My husband and I use Bank of America for our bank accounts, and we have a credit card through them. My husband got the credit card sometime during medical school (I don't know the exact year, and he's in surgery as I type this, so I can't ask him). He graduated from medical school in 2004, so he's had this credit card for more than 5 years. My husband opened the bank account when he was a freshman in college-1996 (originally it was Bank Boston, and then they were bought out by BOA).
When I moved to Boston in 1999 I opened an account at the same bank.
So, to recap, my husband has had a relationship with this bank for about 13 years, and I have had one for about 10 years.

This July, right before my husband started his new job, we reviewed our finances.
We had accrued a modest amount of debt since Willa was born. My husband had been training and getting paid very little. So we were charging a lot on the credit card.
Now, here are some facts:
With the exception of a couple of months period right around the time we got married in 2003, we had always paid our credit card bill IN FULL every month.
During the time when I was pregnant, and we started charging more, and we weren't able to pay the bill in full, we still paid AT LEAST double the minimum due every month.

When we reviewed our finances we realized that our interest rate on the BOA credit card was very high. We should have called them YEARS before to negotiate a lower rate- it was probably not the best time to ask for a reduced rate when the country was in a recession and we had a balance on the card, but we called them anyway. They told us the only way they would lower our interest rate was if we closed the account. We didn't want to do that because it would have screwed up our credit, and we had a bunch of automatic payments tied to the card. At least we gave it a shot, we said.

Right before we had called BOA to ask for a lower rate, we had started using Mint.com (which I highly recommend.) A few days after our phone call with BOA I did a double take when I signed on to Mint.com and noticed that our BOA credit card limit was $10,000 lower. I thought maybe I was wrong, but I checked with the husband and he confirmed that it was indeed $10,000 lower.

We called BOA (again) and asked what was going on, and basically we were told that because we asked for a lower interest rate they lowered our limit. I would like to point out that with the new limit, we were now only a few thousand dollars away from reaching the limit. So, if I had not checked Mint.com and noticed that our limit had been lowered, and I had tried to charge more than a couple of thousand dollars, to say, pay for my daughter's school tuition, my card would have been denied.
I said as much to BOA. I said "you can't just lower our limit by $10,000 without telling us". Their response "We sent you a letter." (which we hadn't received yet) to which I said "That's all well and good, but the limit decrease should not have gone into affect until we received the letter."
They had no sympathy for us. I could hear them shrugging their shoulders through the phone.

Last week, I tried to use my Bank Of America credit card and it was denied. I used my debit card to pay the bill, and that night the husband and I called them. Apparently withing the past few months, one of the companies we had purchased something from had a security breach and customers' credit card information was stolen. So, as a precaution Bank Of America sent a letter to their customers, and then issued them new cards. We never got the letter or the cards. The letter had stated that on a certain date our current cards would be shut down. That was the day I tried to use the card and it got denied.
We told them we never got the letter or the cards. They said they would issue new ones. We asked how long it would take for the new cards to get here- they said about 7 business days. We explained that we use the card almost every day. We asked if they could overnight or express mail the new cards to us- they said no. We said we couldn't go a week without a card. They said we could keep using the card until the new cards arrived and we activated them. We were relieved. Then, today I tried to use the card at the supermarket- it was denied.

I came home and called them. As usual, I had a hard time getting through to a human being. After explaining the whole story (again) for 15 minutes to a very confused customer service rep, I was disconnected while in the middle of a sentence. I collected myself, and once the steam stopped leaking out of my ears I called back. Explained the whole story (AGAIN) to another (very confused) person. Finally after being put on hold a bunch of times she gave me the bottom line- my current card has been completely shut down. The new cards were sent out over the weekend. We have no card to use until the new card gets here. We were, as usual, given the wrong information.
As I was on the phone with Bank Of America, I was on freecreditreport.com filling out a form for my credit report (part of the continuing saga of us trying to get our finances in order) and they asked for a credit card number (They don't charge it, it's just part of the verification process). So, I asked the woman who I was on the phone with what I was supposed to do and she told me I couldn't do anything until the new cards arrived. Even though she gave me the new number it won't work until we activate the new cards.

I find it so funny that if you owe them money the credit card companies have no problem calling you relentlessly (this hasn't happened to us, but I know plenty of people it has happened to), but when security has been breached, and they are shutting down your card and supposedly sending you new ones, they can't call you.

Another fun fact. We asked them why they couldn't email us. They told us they don't use email to communicate with customers. That is ridiculous. It is 2009. Everyone uses email. Our Bank of America bank accounts communicate with us through email. How is that different from the credit card.
If they had sent us an email none of this would have happened.

On another note- we signed up for an ING Direct savings account last night. Another thing we should have done years ago. Their interest rate is 10 times the interest Bank Of America is giving us. And they charge us A TON of random charges.

Like I said before- we have paid AT LEAST twice the minimum we have owed for the entire time we have had the card. In the 10 weeks since my husband started his new job, we have paid off 75% of the balance on the credit card. we should have the entire thing paid off in the next 6 weeks.
We are good customers. We are the type of customers a bank should want. Now that my husband is making decent money, we will eventually have a mortgage, and more money in our accounts, and possibly be opening up additional accounts. Bank Of America should be fighting to keep us. Instead they are constantly giving us the run around, and giving us poor customer service.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again-When are corporations going to learn that you need to spend money to make money? Also, if you have a good product with good customer service, you don't have to spend a ton on advertising. Word of mouth can go a long way. And the only word of mouth Bank Of America seems to be getting these days is negative.

They could learn a lesson from Apple.

Posted by torrie at 04:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

It Made My Day
Best Gymnastics Falls
10 Most Racist Moments In TV
Regrestsy
Engrish
Accidental Dong
My Parents Were Awesome
Amazing article

*If you have any great links, leave a comment. If I use your link in my next Things I'm Enjoying post, I'll link to your blog.

Things I'm Enjoying 5
Things I'm Enjoying 4
Things I'm Enjoying 3
Things I'm Enjoying 2
Things I'm Enjoying

Posted by torrie at 09:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Keep in mind that they are both 2 1/2.

Willa- "I like your pretty shirt"
Friend- "Thank you"
Willa- "You're welcome"
Friend- "Look at my belt"
Willa- "It has airplanes on it!"

FIN

Also, this picture warms my cold, unfeeling heart:

Posted by torrie at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm having one of those times in my life where I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I have a lot of things going on right now, and a lot of big decisions to make. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Between the physical issues and all of the things that need to get done, it's overwhelming. I'm just trying to stay positive- I'm constantly teetering on the edge of depression. I battle every day to make sure I don't tumble down that path.
I've started several posts and haven't been able to finish them. I can't seem to find the right words.

So instead I will share this with you:

Last Saturday we went to Harvest Fest at Stone Barns Center.
We started out by checking out the flowers, fruits, and vegetables in the organic garden. We sampled the strawberries and green beans right off the vine. Then, WIlla did some hay jumping, before we said hi to the sheep and turkeys. After that, we had an awesome lunch and watched WIlla play with the other kids and roll down a hill. We finished up our time there by listening to some awesome live music.
It was a fantastic day- the kind of day that helps me get through the tough days.

Here is a slideshow of the best pictures of the day:

Posted by torrie at 09:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, since I wrote this, over a year ago, things have only gotten worse.
Shortly after I wrote that post I got a steroid injection in my shoulder which gave me some relief for about 3-4 months. So it flared up again, and I tried to ignore it, until it got so bad that I was in constant pain. A couple of months ago my doctor scheduled me for another shoulder injection. This time I got no relief. Before the injection, they gave me a comprehensive ultrasound, and the results were not good. Fraying tendons, misshaped capsule, substantial inflammation. Not good.
A little less than 5 years ago I had shoulder surgery. The recovery was HORRIBLE. It was months before I could use my arm. How could I go through that with a toddler?

As I said in the post I linked to, the pain makes everything harder. EVERYTHING. I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

So, I finally bit the bullet. We hired a mother's helper. It's only for 8 hours a week, but it is going to be so helpful. We're not looking at it as a luxury, we're looking at it as a necessity. I am so thankful that my husband's new salary is making it so that we can afford some help. We really need help.
My husband also wants me to hire someone to come and clean at least a couple of times a month. He's totally right- we should do that- It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to clean, however, there is a part of me that feels so weird about hiring people to help me.
When I go to parties, you'll often find me chatting with the waiters, or the kitchen staff. I feel awkward having people do things for me. I don't ever want anyone to think that I'm entitled or spoiled.

I trying to learn how to accept help, but It's hard. I think maybe it's because I'm not OK with needing help. I want to be independent. I want to be able to do it all.

I don't want to be trapped in this body that keeps failing me.

But I am.

Posted by torrie at 02:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Willa is fascinated with parties. We've been lucky to attend several in the past few months.
One day we were driving to a party. Willa was very excited. She asked us a bunch of questions including "Will they have cake at the party?" That lead to a whole conversation about cakes which lead Willa to say "Mama, you make a star cake with me?" I said "Sure, I'd love to make a star cake with you."

I think it's very important that I follow through when I promise things to Willa, so a few days later, we made a star cake together.

The funny thing about this whole situation is that Willa doesn't usually like cake. She doesn't really like sweets, but I did notice that she liked the whipped cream that was on a cake we had at a party, so I decided to ice and fill our star cake with whipped cream.
She loved it.

I made vanilla whipped cream, and then separated some of it and added cocoa powder to make chocolate whipped cream to fill the cake with.

The cake itself was a healthy banana cake made with whole wheat flour, and agave nectar instead of sugar.

It was a hit.

As someone who grew up in the kitchen baking with her mother, and then eventually went to culinary school and became a chef, I can not tell you how awesome it was to bake with my own child.

*As requested, here is the recipe for healthier Banana Cake:

*If you make this recipe please let me know in the comments.

Posted by torrie at 04:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

In December 2005, my father, mother, and husband chipped in and bought me my first "real" camera, the Nikon D70.

It was my father's idea. My father and I had our issues, but he was very supportive of my photography. He was genuinely excited for me.

It was because of the D70 that I got the attention of the advertising firm who was working on Nikon's new ad campaign. In August of 2006, right before I got pregnant with Willa, I was chosen to be one of the lucky few who was featured in the ad campaign and given Nikon's new camera, the D80.

Since then, I have had the luxury of having two great cameras

A few weeks ago someone very close to me called to ask me my advice-
Long story short- His wife is a makeup artist. His line of work has practically dried up since the recession hit. They are struggling to pay their bills. They have one child and another on the way. His wife works with a lot of models, actors, and musicians. He started to shoot some head shots for these people with his dinky point and shoot. He wanted to know if there was a decent camera he could get for cheap, so that he could perhaps actually make some money.

I gave him my camera.

In the weeks between me telling him I would give him the camera, and the time when I would actually see him in person to give him the camera, I started to have some anxiety.

I try very hard not to think about my father all the time. Maybe that's not the healthy thing to do, but it's what helps me deal. It's been two years since he died, and I'm losing pieces of him. If I let myself think about him too much then I lose sleep.

That camera is a piece of him. It is a symbol of his belief in me. And I never really thought about it until I was about to give it away.

As I was packing up the camera and it's supplies to give to its new owner, I felt like someone was sitting on my chest.

The time came for me to hand it over, and the minute I saw the look on his face, I was at peace.

As I watched him play with the camera, and shake his head in awe, I remembered what it felt like when I first held that camera. How unbelievably happy and excited I was. The potential that that camera stands for.

It is a gift to be able to make someone so happy. it is a gift to be able to give someone something they deserve.

My anxiety has completely faded and is now replaced by joy.

I hope my father felt the same joy when he gave me that camera.

Posted by torrie at 07:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Dear Torrie,

When are you going to learn that watching Grey's Anatomy right before bed is not a good idea?
Especially when one of the characters is battling Melanoma, the same disease you watched your father die from. Especially the night before the anniversary of September 11th. Especially the day after someone close to you had a 12 hour surgery. Especially when you have a million things to accomplish in the next few days. Especially when you've had a really tough week.

Do you enjoy only getting ONE HOUR of sleep because you spend all night tossing and turning because your mind is racing?

When will you learn?

(You idiot.)

Love,

Your Subconscious

Posted by torrie at 09:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I have been on the phone for six hours straight (I can't tell you why yet- hopefully I'll be able to in the future) and it's not even for something fun, like winning concert tickets. I am stressed and in tears.

We are out of toilet paper and most food, but I can't go to the supermarket because I haven't washed my hair since Friday.

I have two zits on my forehead.

I have eleventy billion things to do.

I'm hungry. I would like some warm chocolate chip cookies please.

We won't even talk about my shoulder and back.

Posted by torrie at 03:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When we moved out of Manhattan about 15 months ago, I tried to convince myself it was for the best.

"Manhattan is so expensive! I can't stand the crowds anymore!"

I have tried really hard to like the suburbs. I really have. We joined a playgroup, we go to programs at the library at least twice a week, we go to the Y, we talk to our neighbors, and yet, this still doesn't feel like home.

I don't feel like I fit in here.

I am a vegetarian, organic,liberal, hippie who wears ironic T-shirts without a bra.

This is the land of steak, and republicans, and "what label are you wearing".

At first I was really mad at myself for not liking the suburbs. I routinely suffer from the grass is always greener syndrome. Then, I had an epiphany-

No place is perfect.

I am never going to live in a magical place where all of my friends and family live within a few blocks, and that has all of my favorite restaurants and stores, and has perfect weather, and exciting night life. It doesn't exist.

This realization was a huge step for me. It was a "grownup" moment.

So, I had to figure out where I (and my husband and kid) would be happiest.

In the little over a year since we have lived in the suburbs I have gained ten pounds and aged several years. I never realized how much I thrived off the excitement of Manhattan. How much those little chats you have with random people you meet when you are walking your dog in the city mean to me. I am a social person. I don't really need alone time. I thrive off of interacting with people.
Here in the suburbs NOTHING HAPPENS. I often take Willa and Dexter on an hour long walk, and we don't pass one person walking down the street.

There are things that the lazy part of me like about the suburbs- Being able to hop in the car and drive places when it's really hot or really cold, opening the back door and letting Dexter out to pee.
I constantly have to fight the lazy. In Manhattan you can't be that lazy. Hence the ten pound weight gain.

I feel old here. I feel like I am becoming boring. I feel like I am not myself.

The suburbs are killing my soul.

I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

And I miss my friends. My friends who are so awesome. My friends who I always say "I love you" to when I'm ending a conversation. My friends whom Willa calls her Aunts and Uncles.
They are my family.

When we moved here we thought we would still see our friends all the time. "It's just a short train ride away" we would say to try to convince ourselves that it wouldn't be that bad. But, it's bad. The reality is that depending on where you are going to or coming from in the city, it takes about an hour and a half. Which means about a 3 hour round trip. My friends are busy people. They can't always devote an entire day to dragging their asses out to the suburbs. When we lived in the city, I would meet my friends by their offices to have a quick lunch, or sometimes they would get off work early and we'd meet at the cafe. I miss that.

My husband works a lot. 60 hours a week on average. He commutes at least two hours a day. Two precious hours that he would rather be playing with his kid.

So, we are moving back to Manhattan.

Sure, there are things about Manhattan that I won't/don't like, but if it means seeing my friends and husband more often, and feeling at home, then I'll just have to deal.

We are also going to take a lot more day trips out of the city.

We're not going to move tomorrow. We are probably going to stay here until the late Spring so we can save up our money.

I'm sure those of you who have been reading my blog have a lot of questions right now. I'll write more about this in the future, but right now I want to tackle the most commonly asked question when we tell people we want to live in the city "But it's so expensive!" (Not really a question, more of a statement.)

Well, here's what I have to say about that. Living in Manhattan is certainly expensive, but there's a reason it's expensive- it's awesome. I use the example of fine china. A lot of people have fine china, but they never use it. It just sits in the cabinet collecting dust.

I liked the idea of the suburbs. I'd love to have a big, beautiful house, but what good is having a big, beautiful house if it's always empty?

I want to take more risks (I'll write more about that later too), and live each day to the fullest.

I would rather die poor, having lived a happy and exciting life, then die a miserable, boring millionaire.*

I want to use the fine china EVERY DAY.

*(Disclaimer: I am in no way insinuating that everyone who lives in the suburbs are miserable and boring. I'm just talking about how I feel.)

Posted by torrie at 02:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

My First Fail
50 funniest scenes in the history of film
Lamebook
Photo Bombs
Goths in Hot Weather
My favorites on Twitter
Lovely Listings Thanks, JMB
People of Walmart
Mint
Play Pen Slip Covers

*If you have any great links, leave a comment. If I use your link in my next Things I'm Enjoying post, I'll link to your blog.

Things I'm Enjoying 4
Things I'm Enjoying 3
Things I'm Enjoying 2
Things I'm Enjoying

Posted by torrie at 02:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

So, I've written about this enthralling subject before.

I am so fucking frustrated.

We have gotten to the point where Willa only naps one or two days a week (if I'm lucky). She'll go 5 days without napping.

Here's the kicker- it's not like I'm trying to force a non-tired kid to nap. She's visibly tired. She gets whiney, and cranky, and starts falling over. If she doesn't nap, the afternoons are horrible. She'll often burst into tears for no apparent reason BECAUSE SHE IS SO TIRED.

I just don't get it. I remember nap time IN KINDERGARTEN when I WAS FIVE. Willa started fighting her naps when she was A YEAR OLD. Seriously. The first day ever that she didn't take a nap was on her first birthday. She stopped napping in her stroller when she was about 10 months old.

I honestly am more tired now then when Willa was an infant.

If she doesn't nap, it's 12-13 hours a day of non-stop action. It's not that Willa is hyper active- it's just that she's very INTERACTIVE.

"Mommy, let's dance"
"Mommy, read me this book"
"Mommy, chase me"
"Mommy, watch me!"
"Mommy look"

She's getting better, but she's not the best at playing by herself. I can't blame her. It's much more fun to share activities with someone.

Admittedly, my physical issues make parenting more challenging for me than most.

TANGENT: I am really fighting with myself to not use the TV as a crutch, but it's difficult. I used to be able to shower while she was napping, but now that there is rarely a nap, I have no choice but to turn the TV so I can shower. I must mention- Willa HATES when I shower. She cries hysterically. We think it's a fear thing. I am comfortable with letting my kid cry in certain situations, but not if she is hysterical and shaking with fear. So, a few mornings a week, I turn on Sesame Street so I can shower.
I've stopped beating myself up about it because you know what? We read about 20 books a day, we take classes at the Y, we go to programs at the library twice a week, we go to museums, etc.- a little Sesame Street isn't going to hurt her.

Back to the napping issue-
After we eat lunch, I give Willa about 10 minutes to digest (which also gives her a chance to poop). Then we head to her room, brush her teeth, change her diaper, and read a couple of books. Then I sing her her lullaby and put her in the crib. She is usually yawning and acting sleepy. We have black out curtains. The minute I walk out of her room she starts singing and jumping up and down in her crib.

After about a half an hour of her playing I go in and check to make sure she hasn't pooped. Either way, I change her diaper if necessary, and put her back down. She often cries and says "All done Mommy!"

Today, she is napping, after an hour and 45 minutes of singing and playing, and me going back in her room twice, and finally, 15 minutes of her crying it out.

It shouldn't be this hard. I hate letting her cry it out.

But, I'm exhausted. And so is she. And I have things to do.

At night, after we put her to sleep, I am too tired to get anything accomplished. To be honest, getting her to nap is so physically and mentally exhausting, that on the rare occasion that she does nap, most of the time I don't get much accomplished either. I'm not getting stuff done. I'm overwhelmed.

I was a nanny for years. I am not one of those woman who was surprised at how hard parenting is. However, I always assumed my kid would nap- at least until school started. So, I always told myself, well even if I'm really tired, or sick, at least I can have a break or take a nap when my kid naps.

Boy, was I wrong.

Posted by torrie at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Posted by torrie at 10:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I might be opening a can of worms here, but I want to talk about Michael Vick, or more specifically about rehabilitation.
If I'm being honest, my first reaction to the whole situation was that Vick should never be allowed to play football again. I've since thought a lot about it. Can someone who performed such cruel acts be "reformed", or are they just inherently evil?
Then I read this article by Alec Baldwin.

Here is a highlight:

"What Vick did is, obviously, senseless and reprehensible. But I believe Vick, as a wealthy and talented athletic superstar who performs his job out in the open before crowds of amped-up and highly opinionated fans, suffers an unfair disadvantage as compared to, say, the heads of a meatpacking plant or the directors of a medical research lab where animals are suffering the cruelest imaginable abuses behind walls and doors that remove them from our sight and, therefore, judgments. Vick did horrific things and he deserved to be punished. He served his time and now I wonder what good does it do to exile him in shame and not let him show his example of how one can be rehabilitated after that kind of behavior. If Vick returns to his true form as an NFL pro, that platform can mean real progress for the animal rights movement. Or do some people really not want to open that conversation? Vick is one man who, along with his friends, brutally tortured and killed many innocent dogs and called it a sport. Each day in this country, millions upon millions of animals are suffering lives of daily abuse in factory farming, but we turn away because that animal, unlike Vick's dogs, ends up on a grill and then on our plates."

Mr Baldwin makes some really good points. And at the risk of sounding like a preachy vegetarian, is the way an animal is killed really what defines whether or not they are being treated with cruelty? I personally don't believe there is a "humane" way to kill a "being".
For instance- if you look at two murders- one where the person was killed quickly with a slit to throat, or one where the person was tortured first before being killed, are the murderers going to be treated any differently when they are on trial? They both killed someone. Does the way they did it matter? And if so, why is there a double standard for animals?

Stepping off my soapbox...

I'm having an internal struggle. I'm not sure what I believe. I'm not sure if people can be rehabilitated, or if some people are just plain evil. Where do you draw the line? Which crimes can be forgiven if time is served, and which deserve that the key be thrown away?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject.

Posted by torrie at 02:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

A little background-
In 1985 I became a huge Mets fan. In 1986 they won the World Series because of THIS.
I wish every 10 year old's team could win the World Series. It was awesome. I've been a hard-core Mets fan ever since.

So, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm really not thrilled about it, but my friends insisted on celebrating with me. So yesterday, we had some of our best friends over, and we had a great time.
Two of our friends, Goldner and Rachel, who are hard-core Yankees fans, and yet, have always been supportive of my love of the Mets, gave me the most amazing present- a picture of the moment Mookie Wilson (who my cat is named after) hit the ball between Bill Buckner's legs, signed by both Wilson and Buckner.
I, of course, burst into tears.

Here's the video of me receiving the present:

Posted by torrie at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Avoid this job
Passive aggressive notes Thanks, Jenski
Food allergies get curiouser and curiouser
Why Is the Mainstream Media Spreading Misinformation about Health Care Reform? Thanks, Erin
Colbert Nails 'Em Thanks, Sara
75 Things You Can Compost, But Thought You Couldn't Thanks again, Sara
15 images you won't believe AREN'T photoshopped
Let me Google that for you Thanks, Mama in the City
There, I fixed it Thanks again, Mama in the City
Aaaaaand
Cake Wrecks Many people have suggested this as a link, and I'm not sure why I've never posted it. I guess I thought everyone knew about it already.

*If you have any great links, leave a comment. If I use your link in my next Things I'm Enjoying post, I'll link to your blog.

Things I'm Enjoying 3
Things I'm Enjoying 2
Things I'm Enjoying

Posted by torrie at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Tomorrow, my friend Danny's book comes out.
I can not say enough about this book.
I feel like many books have been written about women's depression, most about post-partum depression, but little has been written about male depression.
In RAGE AGAINST THE MESHUGENAH, Danny bravely talks about his battle with depression.
He talks about feeling a lack of connection with his new son, and distracting himself with his job, only to be laid off with no warning. 4 days later was September 11th, 2001. What followed was Danny's downward spiral into a debilitating depression, and how he clawed his way back out.
Rage is raw and brutally honest. It is the book equivalent of standing in gym class naked. And yet, Danny manages to effectively use humor to talk about his depression without depressing you.

As someone who has suffered from bouts of depression for years, I really related to what Danny had to say. It's funny, some people think that admitting that you suffer from depression makes you weak, especially if you are a man. I think it is just the opposite. I think Danny is brave. Because he was willing to talk about what he went through, I think he will help countless people. People who will see that they are not alone. People who who will see that it is possible to be happy again.

If you, or someone you care about has ever suffered from depression you should buy this book.

Even Willa loves this book:

You can buy the book by clicking on the link in my side-bar (on the right), or by going directly to Amazon by clicking here
or, even though the book's official release isn't until tomorrow, August 4th, 2009, some book stores (like Barnes and Noble) have already started selling it.

If you take a picture with the book, be sure to add it to Danny's Flickr group.

Posted by torrie at 09:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Emails From Crazy People
Look At This Fucking Hipster
Probably Bad News
Health Insurance Consumer Protections
There's Something Stuck in EVERYONE'S Vagina
Blogging with Integrity
Lease
Worst Band Names
Google Voice Says What?
The Meat of the Problem

*If you have any great links, leave a comment. If I use your link in my next Things I'm Enjoying post, I'll link to your blog.

Things I'm Enjoying 2
Things I'm Enjoying

Posted by torrie at 06:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I thought I would share with you something fun that I came up with-

For one of my best friend's baby shower I did a cupcake buffet.
I thought it would be fun, because everyone could have their cupcakes however they wanted them, plus, cupcakes are so much easier to transport when they're not already decorated.
You can make everything ahead. So easy!

I made three kinds of cupcakes- Chocolate, Vanilla, and Lemon.
I made four kinds of icing- Vanilla Buttercream, Fudge Frosting, Vanilla Whipped Cream, and Marshmallow Fluff (That one was store bought).
I had three kinds of toppings- Sprinkles, Chocolate Chips, and Coconut Flakes.

The possibilities are endless-
You could make red velvet cupcakes, orange cupcakes, banana cupcakes, etc.
You could omit the vanilla in the butter cream and add almond, lemon, or orange extract, or some strong coffee.
For toppings, you could use mini M&M's, crushed up candy bars, nuts, etc.

I broke the buttercream into smaller batches and colored some of it blue and pink. I made cute little signs too, and put them in picture frames. I cut out small strips of paper and hot glued them to silver twist ties that I bought at a party supply store, so I could make tiny signs.

All of the ingredients were organic or all natural. Even the food coloring, sprinkles, and paper cups for the cupcakes were all natural. Whole Foods had an amazing selection.

Here is my amazing buttercream recipe. It has been featured on Smitten Kitchen. If you read the comments there, you'll see that it really is the BEST buttercream recipe.
This recipe is the largest one that fits in a 5 quart mixer. Feel free to cut it in half.

2 cups of egg whites (Approximately 14- depends on egg size)
3 Cups of sugar
5 Cups of Butter, softened
1 Tablespoon of Vanilla

Whisk egg whites and sugar together in a big metal bowl over a pot of simmering water. Make sure bowl is sitting above the water and not in it. Whisk frequently until you can’t feel the sugar granules when you rub the mixture between your fingers.

Pour mixture into your mixer's bowl (make sure to wipe the condensation off the bottom of the bowl before you transfer it to the mixer's bowl) and whip until it turns white and about doubles in size.

Add the vanilla.

Finally, add the butter a stick at a time while whipping.

It may take a loooong time for the buttercream to come together. Don't worry- this is normal.
If it is too soft, you can chill it in the fridge for a bit and re-whip it.

This buttercream can be frozen. I stretch out some plastic wrap and plop some buttercream in the middle. I fold it up like a little package, pick it up, stretch out more plastic wrap, turn it 1/2 way, and wrap it again. It will keep in the freezer for up to six months. To reheat it- put it in the microwave in one minute increments at half power. I take it out and massage it after every one minute cycle to break it up a little. When it is softened (but not too soft!) I cut off one corner of the plastic wrap and squeeze the buttercream into my mixer's bowl and re-whip.

You can make chocolate buttercream by adding cocoa powder to taste. You can add a few tablespoons of strong coffee either by itself for coffee buttercream, or with the cocoa powder for mocha buttercream. You could also omit the vanilla and add whatever kind of extract you'd like. It's a very versatile icing.

In the near future I'm hoping to make a video showing you how to ice a cake with this frosting.
If you try the frosting, or have a cupcake buffet, please let me know if you enjoyed it in the comment section.

Posted by torrie at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I'm not writing, because I don't want to complain.
It's not so much that I'm worried about annoying my readers, as it is I'm worried about annoying myself.
I'm sick of my negative attitude and my lack of gratitude.
I want to be a positive, grateful person.

I should be thankful that my husband even has a job, not complaining about how for the first two weeks of his new job he will leave the house at 5:45am and not come home until after 8:00pm.
I should be thankful for what an amazing husband I have, who does more than his fare share, instead of selfishly worrying about me not getting a break.
I should be thankful for the roof over my head, not constantly worrying about money.
I should be thankful that I'm able to walk and have access to great medical care, not complaining about how much pain I'm in, and how I can barely use my right arm.
I should be thankful that my husband had 5 weeks off, instead of being disappointed in myself for all of the things I didn't get accomplished.

I'm tired of worrying and complaining about everything, but it's a really hard habit to break.

Posted by torrie at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Indulge me please.

1) At what age did you give your child a pillow?
2) At what age did your child stop sleeping in a crib?
3) At what age did your child stop using sippy cups?
4) At what age did your child stop using bibs?

Posted by torrie at 09:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

We've had a lot going on lately.
Here's a recap:

The morning of July 4th our town had a celebration on the town green. Willa had a great time.

She loved when everyone was singing.

She also enjoyed playing with the older kids.

July 4th is a special day for us- my husband and I met 12 years ago on July 4th.

That night we were supposed to go out to dinner and then see the fireworks, but both Willa and my husband weren't feeling well, so we had to stay home. I was disappointed because the 4th of July is my favorite holiday, and I was really looking forward to the fireworks- but, lucky me because the next town over has a great fireworks show, and we could see them perfectly from our front stoop.

The following Monday the husband and I drove to the Catskills and stayed in a little bed and breakfast BY OURSELVES for two nights. It was my first time being away from Willa, and it was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Maybe that's because she was with my mother, or maybe it's because it was the right time. Either way, we had a great time. The grounds of the Bed and Breakfast were beautiful.

We also went to my favorite place in the world for the day, Mohonk.

The day after we got back, we went into the city and Willa got to go to Central Park with her father while I had a newborn photo shoot.

Then on Saturday we went to my cousin's little girl's birthday party. Willa pretty much thought it was the best thing ever because she got to wear a crown and get a tattoo.

She also got to dance with a ribbon streamer. I'm not sure if I've even seen her so happy.

After the party, we went over to my in-laws house. Willa always has a great time there because they have guitars and a piano, which she loves to play.

Yesterday, we went to our first game at the Mets' new stadium Citi Field. I have mixed feelings about it because I'm very sentimental about Shea stadium.

But, I got to meet Cow Bell Man, so I can't complain.

Posted by torrie at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A web site that maps the yard sales in your area.
Emails from an asshole.
The best of Craig's List.
The ten funniest TV episodes from the past 20 years.
Awkward Family Photos.
Hot chicks with douche bags.
Best bumper sticker ever?
Books organized by color.
Ugliest Tattoos.
Ridiculous pictures of boy bands.

Posted by torrie at 08:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've worried about money for almost my entire life.
In August, my husband will be starting a new job. His training will be over and he will finally be making a substantial salary. This is what he has been working toward his whole adult life, and I've been along for the ride for almost 12 years. We've made a ton of sacrifices to get here.
But, it's not at all how I imagined it.
I thought once the money started rolling in that we would never have to worry about money again.
Boy, am I a gullible idiot.

It turns out that now that we'll have money we'll have to use it to pay off student loans and credit card debt. We desperately need a new car (the car my husband drives to work is a '99 and we keep pouring more money into it than it's worth. The car I'm driving is actually my mother-in-law's car that she loaned us when Willa was born, and we still haven't given in back to her.), we need to save for a down payment for a house or apartment (because apparently they won't let you buy a place without a down payment). We need to buy some new clothes- my husband and I are still wearing T-shirts from high school- no joke. We need to start saving for retirement and college. We need to hire someone to watch Willa occasionally, so I can maybe focus more on my photography, and also not go insane.
We're not going to run out and buy a bunch of new stuff all at once- my point is that we've been putting a lot of things off for a lot of years.

I'm a grown, educated woman, How did I not realize all of this?
We honestly don't know how to have "real" money. I guess we need to hire a financial planner? This is all so "adult", and it makes me feel like a child.

Believe me, I'm not complaining about the prospect of having money. I know that we are very lucky, especially in this economy, that my husband even has a job. I just wish I could talk to 18 year old me, or hell, even 28 year old me, and tell her to stop living for the future. That money doesn't buy happiness. That with money comes new stresses and responsibilities. That just because we'll have money doesn't mean we'll stop worrying about money.

Also, why can't I just enjoy this? Why must I always find the negative?
I really dislike that part of me.

Posted by torrie at 07:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Recently, a lot of bloggers have been talking about this article in the New York Times.
If you can't access the article, the basic premise is a mother who fights with her children's school about cupcakes and junk food being served. She even went as far as to steal some sprinkles and syrup off a table at a function that was serving ice cream. Now, while I do think this mother's tactics are extreme, I must admit that part of me sympathizes with her.

We are vegetarian. We raise our daughter vegetarian. Our daughter is fed mostly organic food.
A vegetarian diet has been shown to extend your life, lower the risk for almost every type of cancer, lower the risk of heart disease, keep cholesterol levels in check, prevent and/or cure type 2 diabetes, etc, etc.
It also is one of the easiest ways to positively impact the environment.
And yet, we constantly get made fun of. We are called "hippies". We are asked where we get our protein from (such an annoying, uneducated question). People roll their eyes at us.
If you know me in real life, you know that I'm not preachy about my vegetarianism. If someone wants to Talk to me about it, I gladly answer questions. I rarely talk about it on this blog because it tends to draw the crazies out of the woodwork, but this article opened up a flood of emotions for me.

The same thing happened to me a few months ago when I was reading a parenting magazine and there was a list- "Ten things NOT to feel guilty about" and one of the things was "Feeding your niece, little miss organic. her first twinkie."

Like feeding your kid organic foods is "wacky".

For us, it's not just about vegetarianism either, it's about eating healthy.
Our daughter is only given healthy food 99% of the time. Our belief (in addition to wanting her to be healthy) was that if we only give her healthy food, if she goes through a picky phase (which she has) at least what's she's eating is still healthy. We pretty much steer clear of foods packaged for kids (I think it's so sad that the food packaged for kids is usually the worst for them).
However, I also know that if we make something taboo, then Willa will likely be drawn to it, so we let her try things. At a birthday party several months ago there was ice cream cake. Willa was very excited about it and asked to try it. I let her. She took two bites and then went back to eating her melon.
That is typically what happens- she sees something that looks exciting, like a cupcake, and she takes one or two bites and then goes back to eating her healthy food. I love that she doesn't have a taste for these things. I love that at a Halloween party she was playing with candy corn because she didn't realize it was edible.
At the same time, I don't want her to miss out on experiencing special treats, or baking with her mother (especially since baking with my mother is what ultimately made me go to culinary school), so occasionally I bake something like banana bread, or (recently) oatmeal cookies. I make healthy versions, but the idea is still the same. However, Willa still mostly refuses them. She'd rather eat as much cantaloupe as she can get her hands on.
I don't think feeding my child a healthy diet is obsessive or unrealistic. I'm trying to set her up for a life time of healthy eating. She's only 25 months old. She has plenty of time to eat junk and sweets. She will still have the opportunity to live on cereal and pizza when she goes to college. I'm sure once she starts going to school and hanging out with other kids she'll start eating more unhealthy food, but I feel like while we have control we need to instill healthy eating habits.
I am a vegetarian, but I don't have a great diet. I'm the pickiest eater I know. I hate that about myself.
Both of my parents had HORRIBLE diets. Mostly processed, refined carbs, tons of butter on everything, tons of sugar, never anything exotic or spicy. Add that to the fact that they got divorced when I was two. My dad only saw me a few times a year, so he didn't want to be the bad guy, so he never made me try anything. My mom hated her strict upbringing where she was forced to eat things she did't like. She didn't want to do that to me, so she never insisted I try anything either. Growing up I lived on sugary cereal, and fruit roll-ups, and when I did eat something healthy, like strawberries, I would put sugar on them. Now, as an adult I struggle every day with my diet. I have to force myself to eat healthy things. I have no taste for them. If it was up to me, and was healthy, and had no impact on the environment, I would exist on Cap'n Crunch and bagels with cream cheese. I DREAD my daughter being like me. I have fought to make sure she's not.

I think a lot of parents are feeding their kids unhealthy things for several reasons:

1) It's easier. I understand that, I really do. But, feeding your kids healthy food is not that much more work (you cut up some fruit or vegetables instead of opening a package), and the benefits are worth it. It is OK to be lazy about doing the laundry, or scrubbing the toilet, but it is not, in my opinion, OK to be lazy about something that impacts your child's health.
2) "I ate it when I was a kid, and I'm fine." I hate this excuse. Don't you want better for your child? Don't you want the BEST for your child?
3) People are uneducated. People do more research when they buy a car then they do when they have a child. People might argue that it's easier for me because I went to culinary school and was certified in nutrition, but the reality is 90% of what I know about nutrition I taught myself.
4) They want to eat unhealthy things too. It's kind of hard to tell your kid to eat their healthy food if you're sitting their eating crap. Having Willa has forced me to eat healthier, so I can lead by example.

Everywhere I go I'm fighting the battle to steer my kid in the direction of healthy food. That's why I can commiserate with the mom in the article. In a few years Willa will be spending the majority of her awake time at school. It would be nice if she wasn't constantly bombarded with junk.
I admit that a large part of why we picked the preschool Willa will start attending in the fall, is because they serve fruits and vegetables from the farmers market for snack instead of goldfish crackers or apple sauce (with high fructose corn syrup).

I really hate that because I feed my kid a healthy diet I'm viewed as an extremist, or uptight. (And here's the part where I'm sure a lot of commenters will jump down my throat) I think that a lot of people crack jokes or make fun of people who feed their kids a healthy diet because it makes them examine what they are feeding their own kids.

It's almost as if my action of feeding my kid healthy food is automatically viewed as me judging those that don't. That's not the case at all. I'm just, like most parents, trying to do what I think is best for my child.

I think the woman featured in the article could be more constructive about the way she deals with things, but I must admit, I'd probably rather have my kid go to her house for a playdate.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my kid is asking me for a banana.

*If you're interested, a few months back I wrote an article for Alphamom about getting your kids to eat healthy.

Posted by torrie at 07:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (35)

Right before our Boston trip I was trying to upload pictures to Flickr and our lap top kept giving me an error message.
I brought it in to our local Apple store and it was determined that we needed a new airport card and antenna. We decided to wait until after our trip.
I should mention that we got the lap top almost three years ago (which apparently is like decades in computer years), and that we paid about $2,000 for it plus extra for the protection plan (my husband's job actually paid for most of it, but still).
So, last Tuesday I reluctantly left the lap top with the associate at the Genius Bar at the Apple store. The guy I left it with was really helpful. He explained everything to me, and was also happy to answer all of my stupid questions- even the ones that had nothing to do with the problem with my lap top (What exactly is the internet?). He told me that they would be shipping our computer out to Apple's main repair people because the store was too backed up with repairs. I was OK with this because a couple of years ago we had to send the lap top in for repair and Apple was super quick with it.

I should also mention- about a year ago our battery needed to be replaced, so we went to our local Apple store to get a new battery. We were told it was something like $200 to replace it and that it wasn't covered under the protection plan. I said to the Apple associate that I thought it was RIDICULOUS that we paid $2,000 for a computer and then paid several hundred dollars for a protection plan, and then we were expected to pay to replace the battery after less than two years, so she gave us a new one WITH NO CHARGE. And then I made out with her.

Yesterday was seven days since I had dropped the lap top off. They had given me an estimate of 5-7 days, so I called the repair people to see what the ETA was. After being on hold for several minutes it was determined that the computer was STILL IN THE STORE. I called the store, and after being on hold for 10 minutes a guy told me that I should be able to pick up that night, and that someone would call me in a couple of hours.
Willa and I went out for a play date and when we came home their was a message from Apple:

"This is the Apple store. Several technicians have tried to fix your computer unsuccessfully, so we are sending it in to our main repair center. If you have any questions don't hesitate to give us a call."

Um, yeah, I have a question- WHAT THE FUCK?

We're guessing that it sat on a shelf in the store for seven days, forgotten, and when I called they had an "OH SHIT" moment and realized they still needed to send it in.

So, after I tried to shove my brains back in my head, I called the Apple store and I got this guy named Kevin on the phone.
The first thing I say to Kevin is "I just want you to understand I'm angry, but I'm not angry at you."
I explained the whole situation to him. I explained to him that I was a photographer and I needed the computer to edit pictures. I stayed calm and pleaded with him to help me.
He basically said to me "That's fucked up and you have every right to be mad. I'm surprised at how calm you're being. I wouldn't be that calm."

He put me on hold.

He comes back and says to me "Well, if we sent it to the repair center it might take up to two weeks to get it back to you, and we think that is unacceptable, so WE ARE GIVING YOU A BRAND NEW MAC BOOK PRO."

HOLY SHIT

So, after I picked my jaw up off the floor, I stutter to Kevin "I'm not trying to get a new computer, I just wanted you to help me get the old one back." and Kevin said "I know, and you were so nice and reasonable about it, that's why we're giving you a new one. And, I'll transfer all your stuff from the old one onto the new one for you. We should have it ready for you tomorrow morning."
Two hours later he called me back to tell me it was ready, so I picked it up last night.

Everyone keeps asking me how I got them to give me a free brand new computer (this particular model was just shipped to the store 4 days ago). I'll tell you this-

I worked in retail for years and it made me hate humanity. People who have no control in their own lives like to come into stores and restaurants and treat the staff like they are servants, like they are below them. So, whenever I talk to someone in customer service I commiserate with them and I treat them with respect. This has resulted in a lot of perks- discounts on merchandise, free desserts and even free meals, faster service, fees waived, etc.
I'll give you an example-
You're at the airport and your flight is canceled. People rush up to the desk and start yelling at the staff. I walk up to the desk and am very friendly. I say things like "It must be so difficult to deal with people when flights get canceled. It's not like you canceled the flight!" They appreciate my understanding and work to get me on the next possible flight, even if it's with another airline. The people who were yelling? They're stuck at the airport.

Yelling rarely gets you what you want. Who wants to help someone who's yelling at them for something that's not their fault, or something they have no control over?

I should also be clear- I'm not a push-over. I have a way of being nice, but making it clear that the situation is unacceptable.

I also go out of my way for great costumer service people. I ask to speak to the manager and tell them how helpful the associate was, or how wonderful the service was. The managers are so happy because 99% of the time when someone asks for the manager it's to complain, so my compliments are a pleasant surprise. Basically- do unto others. A lot of the time, they are so grateful they give me perks or discounts.

That being said, I think Apple consistently has great costumer service. Sure, Apple gave us a free $2,000 computer, but we are so enamored with them that we will be loyal customers who over the years will spend thousands on their products.
A lot of companies could take lessons from them. Sometimes you have to spend money to make money. Doing/giving the bare minimum is not always best for your bottom line.

Posted by torrie at 07:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Here's a video of my kid saying various words and phrases including "Meshugenah" is a reference to Danny's book (which is coming out August 4th, but I implore you to pre-order it).

Posted by torrie at 03:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Normally a post like this would include pictures, but
a) I was so busy in Boston I only took about 5 pictures
and
b) Our laptop isn't feeling well and one of the symptoms is not letting me upload any pictures. I am dropping it at the Apple store today, and hopefully it will be returned to us in a few days good as new.

Things that happened in Boston:

-On the way there we sat in a ton of traffic. Cranky toddler wanted out of the car and kept screaming things like "GO!" and "All done driving!" and "All done car!" and "Get out!"

-We stayed in a big beautiful yellow mansion within walking distance of Harvard Square. It was awesome, as was our hostess.

-We met David Sedaris, my favorite author. He was just as strange as I had imagined he would be. We talked to him about sinks you can't stop up, airport hotels, and drinking breast milk.

-We met a 20 year old who didn't know what blogging was.

-The husband backed the rental car in to a tree and smashed the bumper and a light.

-We ate ice cream with friends on one of the coldest June nights.

-We ate ourselves silly at the following places:
Burdick's (I used to be the manager there-Try the milk hot chocolate)
Zaftigs (Try the banana stuffed french toast and the potato pancakes)
Centre Street Cafe (Best brunch place in the Boston area- everything on the menu is good)
Upstairs on the Square (Try the grilled cheese with tomato soup)
Grasshopper (Everything on the menu is good)

-We walked by Jessica Biel and drove by Jennifer Garner and Violet Affleck (adorable!)

-I took two naps

-We met with several old friends.

-I bought two purses includingthis one in the tree print.

-We met a former MIT PHD financial genius who basically gave us a crash course in all things financial.

- I didn't watch TV and didn't miss it.

-I wore more heels in 5 days than I have in 5 months.

-I considered moving back.

-I relaxed.

Posted by torrie at 02:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I got to interview three of the most outspoken (and awesome) Daddy Bloggers about Father's Day.
They were amazingly honest (and funny).

Check it out!

Posted by torrie at 01:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today, we leave for Boston for my husband's medical school reunion. We'll be there for 4 nights.
I'm actually really excited. We haven't been back for 3 years.

I lived in Boston for 5 years, and for two years before that I spent a lot of time there when the husband and I were first dating. I spent my entire time in Boston lamenting the fact that it wasn't New York. And then, about 5 minutes after I moved back to New York, I missed Boston. I never appreciated it while I was there. I am an asshole.

Months ago, when I started looking for hotel rooms for this trip, I realized that I should have booked something a year ago. You see, Harvard has all of its undergrad and grad school graduations and reunions THE SAME WEEK. ALL OF THEM. So, hotels are hard to come by. I'm pretty sure my mother-in-law reserved a room for my husband's Harvard undergrad graduation when he was a freshman. I wish I was kidding. Trying to find a hotel that could accommodate all of us (me, the husband, Willa, my mom, and Dexter) was nearly impossible. I actually found a couple of options, but it became abundantly clear (even after several internet friends tried to help) that we were going to have to pay over $2,500 PLUS the cost of a rental car (we can't all fit in our regular car).

Then, one day after I was literally CRYING because I was so frustrated, I got an amazing email from someone who reads this blog. She said she house sits for a couple who have a HUGE house right outside of Harvard Square. They are both Harvard grads and they would love for us to stay in their house. FOR FREE. No, really. The big huge house. With the big kitchen that we are welcome to use. And feel free to bring Dexter. SERIOUSLY.
Plus, I've spoken to the woman who sent us the email several times and she seems super cool, so I can't wait to meet her. (Hi Aimee!)

The moral of the story is this: sometimes the internet can suck, like, really SUCK. but sometimes it can be so awesome that you want to make out with it. Aimee, you've been warned.

Posted by torrie at 07:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Bad Tans
Me Against Them
That's Your Boyfriend
Texts From Last Night
Do I have Swine Flu?
Stand By Me
10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong
Where the hell is Matt?
And, of course, FAIL Blog

Posted by torrie at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

My daughter turned two, but I'm the one who learned the valuable lesson.
I wanted everything to be perfect, so I drove myself crazy.
I had to make all the food, most of which couldn't be made ahead.
I was embarrassed by my crappy backyard, so I decided to take on a major landscaping project the day before the party.
The weekend went as follows- On Friday, Willa's actual birthday, we went to the Bronx Zoo. It was Willa's first time.
It was fun, but physically exhausting.
On Saturday, we spent all day either working in the backyard, cooking, or cleaning up the house for the party. Then, on Saturday night we went to a friend's open house party. We only stayed for an hour, and then we came home and got back to work.
By the time the party started at 11am on Sunday I was exhausted and frazzled. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I made a ton of food (there were about 35 people at the party), less than half of which was eaten. We were hoping to have most of the party in the backyard, and we tried, but it was really cold. Everyone ended up cramming into our small apartment. As far as I could tell no one was judging us for our crappy place, and no one was blaming us for the cold weather, and yet I drove myself crazy about it.

I should have just been enjoying my daughter's party.
Part of the problem was that we couldn't afford to have it at one of those toddler gym places, or have it catered, but I very easily could have ordered a few pizzas instead of serving tea sandwiches.

My favorite moment of the weekend might have been Sunday night, when everyone had gone home, and just the three of us were having a quiet dinner together- Willa tried the little cake I made for her (that she wanted no part of during the actual party) and she said "It tastes good!"

Next year, when my husband is actually getting paid a real salary, I will pay people to do all the work, or I will rent out a place, and I will relax and enjoy my daughter's birthday.

Because I was so busy running around, I didn't take a ton of pictures (I didn't even get a picture of the cake!) but here are a few highlights:

Posted by torrie at 09:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Willa is eating some apple-blueberry puree. It's a deep purple color.
When she has finished, she rips off her bib, places it on the table and says "all done!".
I have planned poorly. I do not have a paper towel at the table because I was engrossed in Danny's book.
Willa is wearing an off white shirt, and although for her age she has great spoon skills, there is still fruit all over her hands and face.
I race to the kitchen to get a paper towel and yell "Don't touch your shirt!"
5 seconds later I return with a paper towel in hand and Willa's shirt is covered in purple smudges.
I think next time I'm going to say "Please wipe your food all over your shirt!", and I guarantee she won't touch it.

Posted by torrie at 10:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You are more amazing than I ever could have imagined.

You are brilliant, and beautiful, and kind, and funny.

You are unusual, and complex, and difficult.

You are good, but not easy.

You give hugs and kisses without being asked. You say please and thank you without any prompting.

You have a great imagination.You are my buddy, my pal.

You love to read, sing, and dance.

You love animals.

You are the center of attention, the hit of the party, and you light up a room when you walk in to it.

You blow me away.

I love you more than I could ever tell you.

Love,

Mama

*You can see all of the pictures of Willa's first two years here.

Posted by torrie at 08:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

My kid has been up since 5am, and she is currently refusing to nap.
She was cranky and whiny ALL MORNING. I know she's tired, but still, she won't nap. Which means this afternoon is going to be TONS of fun.
Willa normally wakes up around 7am, but for the past 9 or 10 days the latest she has woken up is 6:30.
I'm REALLY hoping it's because she is teething, and then when her teeth break through she will go back to her old schedule.

Most of the things you can do with kids- museums, libraries, the mall- don't open until 10am, so I've been struggling to keep her occupied in the morning.

This could not be happening at a worse time. I've got a billionty things going on.
Today I have to make and drop of dinner for a family of 5. (One of the moms in my playgroup just had a baby.)
Tomorrow, my mom is coming to stay, and I have to attend a dinner.
Thursday, the husband is working over night. (Which means he'll leave for work at 6am on Thursday and not be home until about 10am on Friday.)
Friday is Willa's birthday- we're taking her to the Bronx Zoo.
Saturday, we're taking Willa to a carnival during the day, and going to a party at night.
And Sunday is Willa's birthday party. We are expecting 35-40 people.
I have to get the decorations and the favors, and clean the house, and make the cake, and cook all the food, and, and , and- EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO BREATHE INTO A PAPER BAG.

I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done- especially with a cranky, clingy kid who won't nap.

I'm exhausted.

Posted by torrie at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

If everyone could see this picture, the world would be a happier place.

Posted by torrie at 08:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My husband just got the following email:

Congratulations! You have been selected for a follow-up appointment at an upcoming Jeopardy! contestant search for the New York City area, exclusively for those who successfully passed the online test. This is the next step in becoming a Jeopardy! contestant.

Iiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!

You have no idea how exciting this is for me. I grew up watching Jeopardy.

And now I am going to go run around the block 40 times to burn off all of this excited energy!
I'm never going to sleep! I'm going to clean the whole house! I can see through time!

Iiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

Why don't you watch this while I bounce off the walls:

Posted by torrie at 11:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Posted by torrie at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Manic.

I pretty much still feel the same way today.

Posted by torrie at 09:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Posted by torrie at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

If I had the time and I wasn't so mentally and physically exhausted I would write a post, but my kid has been fighting her nap EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have tried everything I've read in every single book and article.EVER. I've tried everyone's advice.
I've tried putting her down, earlier, later, before she eats, after she eats, etc. , etc, etc.

I am at my wits end.

So, instead of writing a blog post, I will ask you this-

At what age did your kid stop napping? At what age did you stop napping?

I was still taking naps in kindergarten. My kid isn't even 20 months old yet.

Posted by torrie at 03:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (46)

Some reasons why I know I'm getting older:

1) I'm obsessed with NPR. If I could, I would listen to it all day.
2) I'm someone's mother.
3) I have to have a cup of tea every day.
4) The music in Abercrombie and Fitch is entirely too loud.
5) Speaking of music, I really do think a lot of it just sounds like noise.
6) People who were born the year I graduated from high school can get a driver's license.
7) When it's damp out, I get achey.
8) People call me ma'am.
9) I like to watch 60 Minutes, Sunday Morning, and Jeopardy.
10) I honestly think kids today have it easy.
11) Most of the time, I'd rather sit at home and read a good book than go out.
12) I can't believe how kids today dress.
13) I once yelled at some neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.
14) I couldn't recognize a Jonas Brother, Taylor Swift, or Miley Cyrus sound if you paid me.
15) My dream car is a mini van.
16) I found a gray pubic hair.

Some reasons why I know I'm not THAT old yet:

1) I don't refer to everything in the possessive- "I have to have my cup of tea", "I have to watch my stories".
2) I feel weird when I wear a one piece bathing suit.
3) I wear my pants below my waist. In other words- no mom jeans.
4) Sometimes I still feel like I'm playing grownup.
5) I think bodily functions are funny.
6) I think words like poop and boobs are funny.
7) None of my friends have died. Yet.
8) When I'm sick, I want my mommy.
9) I can get away with not wearing a bra.
10) I still wear pig tails.
11) I am reasonably adept at using a computer.
12) On the same note, I can use a remote control, a DVD player, and a cell phone.
13) I don't scream in to the phone.
14) I know the difference between an MP3, DVD, CD, and JPEG.
15) I don't eat dinner until around 8pm.
16) I still watch cartoons- The Simpsons, Family Guy, and South Park.

Posted by torrie at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Instead of spending Willa's nap doing something productive, I went through all of my pictures on Flickr, and put together slide shows of each of the last 4 years.
There are certainly a lot of moments and people dear to us who weren't captured. These are not my "best" pictures- some are unflattering, some are blurry, etc., but they are the pictures that most accurately depict that year.

2005 was about me recovering from career ending shoulder surgery, tons of physical therapy, finding out my dad's cancer had metastasized, a major back injury, and my husband's internship.

In 2006 I was pregnant 3 times (!!!), had two miscarriages, landed an ad campaign with Nikon, Turned 30, had my pictures in The New York Times, traveled a bunch, and had the enjoyable part of my pregnancy with Willa.

2007 was perhaps the most important year I've ever had. I had a very rough pregnancy and was bed ridden for months, Willa was born, my husband became chief resident, and my father passed away.

2008 has been interesting. Willa was modeling, my husband turned 30, finished his residency, and started his fellowship. We moved, my pictures were published in a book, I re injured my shoulder, Obama became president elect, and Willa was diagnosed with Urticaria.

Posted by torrie at 07:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

On Christmas day we were trying to kill some time with our kid, because everything is closed on Christmas day, which drives me up the wall. You want to spend time with your loved ones? Well, I need some freaking bananas.
So, we took the kid to a small pier in our town.
During the warmer months we went there often.
There is a staircase that leads down to a small beach area, which disappears during high tide.
Willa loves to collect sea shells on the beach.
As we are getting out of the car I see something on the top of the staircase and I assume it is a large piece of driftwood. As we get closer I realize it is a dead animal. A rather large dead animal. It is on its back with its head hanging over the top step. It had a lot of large teeth, and it didn't appear to have any hair. It was obviously a chupacabra.
I wanted to take a picture of it, but we didn't want Willa to see it.
We drove to the police station in town. We walked in and there were several officers standing there.
I said "I just wanted to let you know that there is a rather large dead animal on the pier."
To which officer numbnuts replied "Oh, you mean the one with no hair? Yeah, that things been washing back and forth for a while now."
So in other words, there is a large, dead, possibly diseased animal on the town pier WHERE CHILDREN PLAY, and the police have known about it for several days. and have done nothing about it.
They are probably some of the highest payed police officers in the country. Heaven forbid they, you know, DO THEIR JOB.

Anyway, on a completely different note-
The next day we went to my cousin's house.
Willa REFUSED to nap that day, so we thought it was going to be a disaster.
My cousin has two kids- a daughter who is ten months older than Willa, and a son who is three months old.
Willa actually played with my cousin's daughter. That was the first time she really played with another kid, and it was AWESOME. They were running around chasing each other, and Willa was having so much fun that she was squealing in delight. It was one of those amazing parenting moments.
I've been having a lot of those lately.

On Saturday my oldest friend and her husband came over with their dog.
Again, Willa refused to take a nap. Again, I thought it was going to be a disaster, but she had so much fun. Let me just say that if my kid stops napping WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BIG PROBLEM.

Yesterday I went to Woodbury Commons with Heather and Metalia. If you really want to be intimidated, go shopping with two of the most stylish people on the internet. Heather took video. If she posts it I'll link to it, but God, I hope she doesn't. Because if there's one thing I hate, it's seeing myself on video.
Of course Willa took a nice long nap while I was gone. (OF COURSE)
Last night an old friend from Boston and his wife came over, and we forced them to watch Mary Poppins, and read Bad News Hughes.

Life is good.

Posted by torrie at 01:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

In light of this entry, I realized that I needed to do something to shock my system.
I am convinced that my metabolism is all screwed up. I don't have the most varied diet. I tend to eat the same things over and over again.
So, I decided to go on a cleansing diet. I use the term "diet" lightly because I'm not counting calories.
I cut out sugar, wheat, and dairy.
I've been doing it for about 8 days and I've lost about 3 lbs.
It's been surprisingly easy.
Days 3 & 4 were rough- I was really tired, but that's to be expected whenever you give up something your body is used to.
What most people don't understand when they do a cleanse is that you are going to go through a period where you feel like crap. Just like any other detox. When you quit drugs, or smoking, or drinking you feel like crap because your body is addicted to it. The same holds true for food.
I'm not sure how long I'll stay on this cleanse. I think I might just try to cut back on sugar, wheat, and dairy permanently, but every once in a while I'll cheat.

I'm still having trouble finding time to exercise.
I've tried a few times to leave Willa at the child care center at the Y while I went upstairs to exercise, but they have to come and get me after a few minutes because she gets hysterical. We'll keep trying.
I've been in a lot of pain too. My back has been out twice in the last month, and the cortisone shot has worn off and my shoulder pain has come back.

So, I'm being realistic- I'm realizing that excising on a regular basis is just not going to happen any time soon, so I'm trying to deal with this from a diet angle. We'll see what happens.

NOW- for the genius part-

My husband finished a box of shredded wheat, and there was a ton of, well, broken shredded wheat left at the bottom of the bag. He asked me if there was anything I could do with it, and I came up with this.
If you are the type of person who needs exact recipes this is not for you.

I melted some semi-sweet chocolate (any type of chocolate will do) and stirred in some chunky peanut butter (smooth is fine too). I added some honey, and then I stirred in the shredded wheat.
I formed the mixture in to balls and placed them on parchment paper on a cookie sheet. I put them in to the fridge until they firmed up.
You would not believe how awesome they were.
You can also add coconut, cinnamon, and whatever kind of nuts you like. Dried cranberries might also be nice.

Enjoy!

Posted by torrie at 04:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

How much anxiety is too much?

Is it normal to worry EVERY TIME your husband gets in a car that he will die in a horrific accident?
Because you just can't imagine life without him.

Is it normal to worry EVERY DAY that your child will get some horrible disease?
That's she's just too awesome and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Is it normal to worry that someone will steal your child when you drop them off at the Y childcare center?
Or, that if anyone else watches your kid, they might get injured (even though the worst injury she's ever sustained was on your watch)?
Because no one can watch her as carefully as you can.

Is it normal when every time you take the train in to the city, the same city you lived in until 6 months ago, that terrorists will blow up the train station?

Is it normal to worry every time your husband is at work that someone will break in to your house? And to have a plan for how you will protect your child?
Even though you live in one of the safest towns in the country.

Is it normal to occasionally, seemingly out of nowhere, to think about your father's death, 16 months later, and feel like someone is sitting on your chest?

And I haven't even mentioned some of the really demented things I worry about.

What amount of worrying is normal?

Posted by torrie at 09:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

She's turning in to a little girl. Time is flying by. Wasn't this just yesterday?

And now she is so smart. And has so may opinions. And I feel like it's all going by so fast.

I'm trying to savor every moment.

New article up at Alpha Mom.

New review up on my review blog.

Posted by torrie at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Today we were in an amazing bakery with a fireplace, in a quaint little town.
Our bellies were full with tea and pastries.
Rhapsody in Blue started playing.
Willa was sitting on my lap and I whispered in her ear "this is mommy's favorite piece of music."
Then we twirled around and danced together.

Here is the last moment.

Posted by torrie at 09:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

There was a moment the other day-

I was standing in the kitchen watching the snow fall outside, peeling apples for a pie.
There was a warm cup of tea sitting next to the cutting board.
My daughter was sitting at my feet, playing, and quietly babbling.
I could hear one of my favorite songs playing from the other room.

I was not in pain.
No one was sick.
I wasn't worrying about money.

Everything was perfect.

For a moment.

Posted by torrie at 04:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

I am going insane I think.

Lack of sleep can do that to a person.

Between the cats howling or scratching all night, and Willa refusing to take a nap, I am just barely hanging on to my sanity.

I'm thinking of letting Willa spend the night at my mom's.

I've never spent a night apart from her before, but I think it's the only way I am going to get some rest.

Although, knowing me, I won't get any sleep if I'm separated from her.

I can't win.

Here's my question for you-

How old was your child the first time you spent a night apart from them?

Posted by torrie at 01:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

Posted by torrie at 07:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It's no secret that I've been having a rough time lately. Hell, the last six years have been rough, to be honest.

Now, the people who read my web site only know a small part of me. This web site is not my best reflection. And while I have great friends, a wonderful and supportive husband, and a fantastic child, the one thing that this web site accurately depicts is how stressed out I am.

I am overwhelmed. I am in pain. I am tired.

And this election has really been stressing me out. I think because I am a mother now, it has made politics so much more important to me.

Our financial situation is not good, to put it mildly.

But, recently, the most amazing thing happened.

A couple of days after I wrote this post, I received an email from the director of membership for the New York City YMCA.- someone had anonymously donated a membership to my family.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (There are not enough exclamation points in the world!)

To say I am dumbfounded would be an understatement.

The director from the Y said that she had been working there for 15 years and she had never heard of this happening before.

Not only has this person purchased a membership for us, but they have also purchased 3 hours of personal training and 30 (!) hours of childcare.

She put me in contact with the Y in my neighborhood, and I just got back from signing the papers a little while ago.

The membership director there gave me an hour long tour, during which I burst in to tears.

The Y is AMAZING. Two swimming pools, a huge fitness center with fantastic cardio equipment, free yoga classes, free aerobic classes, etc., etc., etc.

I met two of the women who works in the childcare center- one has worked there for 13 years, the other one for 15.

As we were walking around the Y the director said hi to everyone by name. It has a real feeling of community.

As part of the membership we were given two free classes, so starting in November Willa and I will be taking a swimming class and a gym class.

I don't even know what to say about how much this gift means to me.

I'm not really sure what I did to deserve this. I'm sure there are people who are much more deserving.

But, this will change my life.

The only negative thing about this situation is that because it is anonymous, I don't get to hug this person, or bake them cookies, or tell them what this means to me and my family.

The only thing I can do is use the gift to better my life, and hope that one day I will be in a situation where I can give someone a similar gift.

Posted by torrie at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (29)

Mookie is almost back to his old self.

Yesterday was the first day that there was no hissing.

I had a complete blood work up done- including getting my thyroid tested. I thought that might explain why I gained 8 pounds and was exhausted all the time. But my blood was PERFECT. I'm glad I'm "healthy", but it sucks when you feel like crap and there's no explanation for it.

So, it turns out that I am just fat and lazy. Ha!

I started wearing a pedometer. The first day I wore it, which was a normal day, I walked 7 miles. A slow day seems to be about 4 miles. So, I don't get it.
I've been trying to eat a little better. It's tough, because when I'm hungry I just want to stuff my face. I'm trying to eat more- just more healthy stuff. I've even almost completely given up cheese. If that's not dedication I don't know what is, because, come on, it's CHEESE.

I'm still struggling with trying to find time to take care of myself, but at least I'm trying.

Also, I have a really amazing story to tell you about the kindness of strangers, but That will have to wait for another post...

Posted by torrie at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I was driving the other day and I heard Bob Seger's We've Got Tonight on the radio. It reminded me of that episode of the Wonder Years where Winnie is being mean to Kevin ,and hanging out with the older kids, and then she gets in to a bad car accident.

Warning- if you watch this clip you might burst in to tears- I did.

It got me thinking about all of the amazing moments from the TV shows I used to watch.

Some are funny, like this scene from friends:

Some are sad scenes, like the episode of Little House on the Prairie when Mary goes blind and she's screaming "Pa? I can't see you Pa!" (I can't find a clip of that one.)

Whether or not I like to admit it, television has been a huge part of my life.

Different shows remind me of different parts of my life.

I get all nostalgic and teary when I think about it.

What are some of you favorite scenes/episodes from TV shows past?

Posted by torrie at 01:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Here are three posts that I think everyone should read:

More wounded than eloquent, I'm afraid

Why no one with a uterus should vote for John McCain

Dear John McCain

These woman say it much more eloquently than I ever could.

Feel free to discuss this topic in the comments, but if your comment is not constructive, then it won't be published.

Posted by torrie at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

On a different note- My first article for Alphamom.com is up.

Posted by torrie at 01:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Hello there. Well, that last post was fun, wasn't it?

It's lovely being completely misunderstood.

Anyway, moving on-

You'll be seeing a few changes around here.

After five years of blogging I finally have an about page!

You may also notice in my sidebars a link to my photography site which is almost finished, a link to my new review blog, and a link to Alphamom's Guide to Everything, which I wrote two articles for, I'll let you know when they're published.

I hope you enjoy the new stuff.

My friend Jen installed all of the new things in the side bars and built the about page for me. She is awesome. I am not.
I don't even know how to make me own mastheads.

Kids today and their technology.

Posted by torrie at 06:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My cell phone

My wallet

A water bottle

A flashlight

A remote control

A shampoo bottle

My keys (I actually got locked out of the house because of this)

A tape measure

A box of tampons

My Gorillapod

My husband's hospital ID

A USB cable

My organizer (she tore one of the pages of my calender out)

My necklace (she ate one of the beads)

A jar of sesame seeds

A magazine (she tore out the pages)

Rocks

A shoelace

My makeup kit

My teddy bear from when I was a little girl that I swore I would never let her play with

And you?

Posted by torrie at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

A few weeks ago we were visiting my mom for a few days at her house, in the Pocono Mountains.

We went to this amazing little secluded spot in the forest to do a little hiking.

When we were done we met my mother down by a stream to collect our things.

My mother was standing in the stream. When Willa saw her she started pointing and flailing her arms indicating that she wanted to go in the stream too.

We didn't have a bathing suit for her with us. Nor did we have any sandals.

We decided that life is too short, so we let her just walk into the stream with her shoes and clothes on.

She just walked in with no fear and started splashing around.

It was one of those moments as a parent that I will always cherish.
It was one of those moments that I remind myself of when times are tough.
It was one of those moments that makes it all worthwhile.

Posted by torrie at 01:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Willa loves to dance.

I'm not sure if there is anything that makes me happier than watching her dance.

I figured if everyone had a chance to see her dance it would make them happy too, and maybe in some small way, make the world a better place.

Posted by torrie at 07:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Don't make me come over there.

Please don't touch your brother's penis (referring to Dexter, our dog).

Give me a break.

Mommy's nipple is not a handle.

Please don't poop on me.

Please don't pee on me.

Please don't hit the cat in the head with her food bowl.

Please don't bite me.

Shoes do not go in your mouth.

Please don't eat the grass.

Please don't eat the rocks.

Filing cabinets are not for standing on.

You are driving me crazy.

Books are not for eating.

Please don't touch the poop.

I'm sure I'll add to this list as I think of more.
How about you? What have you said to your children that you thought you never would?

Posted by torrie at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Today is the one year anniversary of my father's death.

I can't believe it's been a year. Similar to the way I feel about Willa's birth, part of me feels like my father's death was just yesterday, and part of me feels like it was ages ago.

Sometimes I forget and say "my father is" instead of "my father was".

The hardest part for me has been realizing that there are questions I have that will never be answered. Why did he do that? What was he thinking?
I'm not very skilled at letting go.

I realized that, as with every other uncomfortable situation in my life, I have been dealing with my dad's death by not dealing with it at all. I am the queen of avoidance.
And, in doing so, I have kept Willa's grandfather from her.
I should be talking about him with her. Telling her his likes and dislikes. Showing her pictures.
But, I'm not, because it hurts. That is not fair, and I vow to do better from here on out.

I might be hurt, but I am a mother first. I need to put my daughter's feeling's before mine.

And maybe, if I'm lucky, it will help me heal.

For those who are interested here is my father's obituary in the New York Times.

Posted by torrie at 09:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Several of you have asked me to update about Willa's modeling career so here goes-

Oh internet. The lessons I have learned from this experience.

I hope that when someone does a search for "should my baby model?" or "baby modeling" or "child modeling" they will find this post so I can tell them why it is a horrible idea.

Here's what no one tells you about the child modeling industry- IT SUCKS.

Here's how it works-
You are at the clients beck and call.
Every day between 3-6pm the agency would call to tell us if we had any go-sees (auditions) for the next day. This means that you can't schedule anything.
THEN, if your child gets the job they don't tell you that you have a photo shoot until the day before.
So basically, you have no idea what you will be doing the next day until the night before.
For someone like me, who like to make plans, this will make your head explode.

Another problem- go-sees and photo shoots are scheduled for all different times, and they very often would screw with Willa's nap schedule. Willa is about a thousand times more enjoyable when she gets a good nap, so it always sucks when she is thrown off her schedule. There are kids who are good at going with the flow, and do well even without a nap. Willa is not one of those kids.

There are so many other stressful aspects to child modeling-
The logistics can be a nightmare.
Because most subway stations are not stroller friendly I usually take a cab or my car to the auditions and shoots. I've spent countless hours driving around in circles trying to find a parking space. I've gotten so excited about finding a space only to discover I didn't have any quarters for the meter. I once paid $32 for 31 minutes of parking.
I can't tell you how many go-sees or photo shoots we have shown up to only to discover that the building has stairs. I've had to beg strange men to help me haul the stroller up and down stairs.
Until recently we lived all the way on the east Side of Manhattan, uptown, and 90% of the go-sees and photo shoots were down town and on the west side.

I once dragged Willa and my husband to a go-see on a Sunday and sat there for an hour only to be told that Willa didn't qualify because she couldn't stand unassisted(she was 10 months old).

Another time we went all the way down town for a go-see for a company Willa had worked for three weeks earlier. I assumed it was for a fitting, but instead, we walked in and all they did was take a polaroid of her.
I was super pissed- a company who had booked her three weeks ago and had head shots of her needed me to screw up Willa's nap schedule and make a two hour round trip so they could take a polaroid? I don't think so.

These companies have no respect for you or your child. They don't care about your child's schedule. They just schedule everything and expect you to be there.

Recently, a company called my agency at 6 pm and told them that they wanted 5 kids (including Willa) at 8am the next morning, all the way out on Long Island. I refused (as did most of the mothers of the other kids). I would have had to wake Willa up at 5am to get there on time, when she usually wakes up at 7-8am.
The woman from Willa's agency was practically in tears because this particular company did shit like this all the time, and here she was at 8pm making phone calls. The company gets away with it because there are plenty of parents who are willing to do ANYTHING to make their child a successful model. I am not one of those parents.

Another aspect that's weird, for lack of a better word, is that you very rarely get to see the pictures from the shoots. They don't send you copies. I've had to search them out. I spent a while last night searching the internet for pictures of Willa. It's kind of odd to know that there are picture out there in the world of my kid that I haven't even seen.

Willa doesn't get every job that she auditions for. I handle this really well because we're not doing this for the fame and fortune. But, some parents get very upset when their child doesn't get a job. If you are going to be disappointed every time your kid doesn't book something, then child modeling is not the business for you.

The modeling industry is a strange word. Once, when Willa was shooting for the cover of a major parenting magazine (they shoot 4-5 kids and then pick the picture they like best), they changed her outfit because they thought her arms looked chubby in the sleeveless top she was wearing. She was 11 months old at the time.

So, where do we stand now?

Well, Willa is still technically a model, but we do very little work.

She is now on "by request only" which means that I only take her to auditions for companies who have specifically requested to see her because they have seen her headshot. I don't take her on any more huge auditions, or as I like to call them "cattle calls". You have to work for a while and book several shoots before most agencies will let you do that.
Lately we've only been working 1-2 days a month, compared to a few months ago when there were weeks when we were working 4 days.
Also, to be honest, when Willa was younger she booked a lot, but now that she's a toddler, and still pretty bald, she's not booking as much. People expect a child of Willa's age to have a full head of hair.
We're in a good situation now because I feel comfortable saying no and picking and choosing what we do.

So to sum up- The baby and child modeling industry has a lot of flaws. It's a ton of work for very little reward.

Posted by torrie at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Me: "Here's what I need- I need you to give me an hour long massage with a happy ending, then you need to tickle my back until I drift off to sleep."

Him: "How about we fuck for five minutes and then I pass out?"

Me: "Deal."

Posted by torrie at 09:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My husband's mother gave him a leather case for his IPhone.
We don't use leather (because we are vegetarian). A point she can't seem to grasp ("But, it's just a little leather!")
It is sitting here gathering dust.
I've asked my few friends who have an IPhone if they wanted it, but there were no takers.
So, do any of you want it?

Posted by torrie at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

When we moved we got rid of our computer desk. It had been sitting in a corner of our bedroom, and in our new place we wanted to set the computer up in the living room.
It was so beat up and falling apart. (You can see it in the background of this picture.)It had been a hand me down from my mother. Her husband had painted it before they gave it to us. Except, I don't think he actually used paint, I think he used white-out, because if you even touched it with your fingernail the paint would scratch off.

Needless to say, it was time to get rid of it.

I started to look for a desk.

First of all I had no idea how expensive desks were. It seemed that there were two categories of desks- the $200 and less desks, which were pieces of shit made from particle board- then there were the $800 and up desks made of real wood. It was very hard to find anything in between.

My mother-in-law offered to buy us a desk, which we were really happy about it because we are super broke. (We moved to SAVE money, and instead it COST us money. FUCK.)
Now, even though someone else was buying it for us we still didn't want to spend $1,000 on a desk.

And so began the search for a well constructed desk that cost $500, or less.

Other requirements-
It had to be a dark wood- preferably a mahogany stain.
It had to have a drawer for our keyboard.
It had to have space either in it or under it for our CPU

Places we looked:
Target
Pottery Barn (which I wasn't thrilled about because we've had bad experiences with them.)
Staples
Office Max
West Elm
Raymour and Flanigan
Ikea

Finally we found a desk we liked in Crate and Barrel. It wasn't exactly what I wanted- I would love a desk with a hutch and drawers for storage, but I was willing to settle.

So we went and picked it up and they put it in our car. It was in a box and needed to be assembled.
We waited until Willa went to sleep, and then we went to get it out of the car. It was so heavy that we figured that I would destroy my back if we tried to carry the box up the stairs. So, we decided to open the box in the driveway and bring it in piece by piece.
Once we opened the box we saw that one of the corners was pretty damaged. We called the store and they told us it was the only one in stock and that it would take about 10 business days to get a new one, and that they wouldn't order the new one until we returned the old one. We had a long debate about whether or not to keep it. The husband was pissed and wanted to return it. I was so sick of not being able to set up my PC- we've been here for a month and I've been without my PC for the whole time. I only have photoshop on the PC, so I haven't been able to edit any pictures for a month. A big problem considering I'm a photographer. Also, the damage was on the back left corner which would be against the wall, so I argued that no one would see it.
So, we decided to keep it. We started putting it together- it was very complicated and had a ton of screws. We were already tired and annoyed, and about 45 minutes into it we had to remove the key board drawer to put the front legs on- and that's when we noticed that the drawer was completely fucked up. the hinges had been ripped off, and it was not something that we could fix.
At this point the husband was furious.
We were tired and frustrated. We now had to take apart the desk and get it back into the box, and back into the car.
I returned it the next day.

So, we are still without a desk.

Yesterday, we went to our local Salvation Army store and we didn't find anything there either.

We REALLY need a desk. I have hundreds of pictures that need to be edited.

I don't know why finding a desk is so difficult. I'm so frustrated.

Can anyone suggest a good place to find the kind of desk we are looking for in our price range?

Posted by torrie at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (51)

A strange thing happened yesterday.

I went into the city for the first time since we moved, and I couldn't wait to leave.

All my life Manhattan has been my home. Even when I didn't live there I considered it home.

But, yesterday, it felt foreign to me.

I couldn't deal with the crowds, and the smell of urine in the subway, and the heat pouring off the concrete. I kept thinking "I just want to go home." And I meant this place I'm living in now.
I never thought I would feel that way about Manhattan.

As I get older my priorities are changing. If you told the teenage me that one day I wouldn't be comfortable in the city, she wouldn't believe you.

I've been living in the new place for less than a month, and I'm already feeling like it's home.

I guess that's a good sign.

Posted by torrie at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I can not get the image of my father in his last days out of my head.

His sunken cheeks. His bulging eyes. His frail, skinny arms. His shuffling gait.

It haunts me.

Yesterday I was in a yoga class. We were doing the part of the class where you do deep breathing and meditate. And the image of my father, a skeleton of his former self, kept popping into my head.

I don't really know what to do to stop thinking about it. I really wish I hadn't seen him like that, but I did. My advice to anyone who is debating whether or not they should see someone they care about on their death bed is DON'T. It is so much better to remember them as they were.

I feel like I have come to terms with his death, so I don't understand why I still have bad dreams and constantly think about him. Maybe I have some unresolved issues?
There are definitely things that I am mad about, but there's nothing I can do about it now that my father is gone.

I need to move on.

I just don't know how.

Posted by torrie at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Living in the suburbs is going well so far.

But, there is one thing that has been a struggle- the lack of interaction with adults.

You don't realize it, but in Manhattan there are people EVERYWHERE, so you can't help but interact with them.

When we lived in Manhattan my day was punctuated by interaction. Conversations with the doorman, the maintenance guy, the people in the lobby, and the people in the elevator.
I'm a very social person and I don't think anyone would ever describe me as shy. I'll strike up a conversation with anyone. And, until I moved to the suburbs, where I don't have any friends, I didn't realize how much I relied on those conversations.

I feel awkward because whenever I have the fortune to have a conversation with someone here I have to be careful that I don't talk their ear off. I feel like I'm back in high school on the first day trying to figure out how to start talking someone. Who can I sit next to in the lunchroom?

I must admit that I'm a bit lonely. That might also be because several of my close friends have not called or emailed me since I moved. And no one has visited. I am quite surprised and a little bit hurt.

As usual, thank god for the internet. It makes me feel a little less alone.

Posted by torrie at 01:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Today I am sad. I was sitting here listening to Willa playing with my mother in the other room- she was giggling and having a great time. I was thinking back to when she was smaller- just a few months old- there was a word I would say and she would instantly giggle. I can't remember what the word was.

Willa is just a little over a year and I'm already forgetting the little details.
I curse myself for not writing everything down. I curse my laziness.

I just feel like life is flying by, and I wish it would slow down. I'm not living life to the fullest. I'm not savoring the small moments.

My kid is waving to everyone. And taking steps. And saying new words every day. I feel like I was just pregnant yesterday.

I feel like I'm going to blink and it's going to be her first day of kindergarten. And then I'm going to blink again and she's going to be going to the prom.

Life is flying by and I don't feel like I'm doing a good enough job of documenting it.

I think the move is making me sentimental.

Also, yesterday would have been my dad's 71st birthday.

I hope the stress I am feeling now doesn't crush me.

Posted by torrie at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Oh. Hi!

Sorry about all of the dust in here.

Where have I been?

BUSY.

Holy Crap.

We are moving in 1 1/2 weeks.

Have you ever tried packing while taking care of a toddler? It is virtually impossible.

And yes. A toddler. In my absence from here, Willa turned one and has started taking a few unassisted steps.

If I was a better mother I would write a whole long post about my child's first year and how AWESOME she is, but MY GOD THE PACKING.

Also, lots of photography related projects. Including, pictures I shot for a book. (!)

Have I mentioned the packing? SO MUCH PACKING.
I am desperately trying to get rid of stuff by giving it to friends, family, and charity, but MY GOD SO MUCH STUFF.

The good thing about living in an apartment building is that I can steal all of the boxes people are getting rid of. SCORE!

If I never see another cardboard box in my life I'M OK WITH THAT.

Also, does anybody need some staples? Because, and I'm not sure how this has happened, we seem to have accumulated more boxes of staples than your local office supply store keeps in stock.
I think it's time for me to come up with some new and exciting ways to use staples. Cuff links? Earrings? Keeping my kids arms pinned to her side when I'm trying to wipe her face?

I have so much more to write- like about how I'm freaking out about leaving Manhattan, about how I'm trying to be more of a responsible adult (Ew! Gross!), about how I'm dealing with my dad's death (it's normal to have bad dreams EVERY NIGHT, right?), about what an asshole Mookie (my cat) is, about my panic attack this morning when I had to write a check for two months rent for the new place after I had already paid for one month, about how moving was supposed to save us money, BUT IT'S TOTALLY NOT.
- But, I just can't find the time.

Next time I move I think I'm going to go on vacation two weeks before and hope that magical fairies will pack everything for me.

Posted by torrie at 02:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I've been in a really shitty mood lately.

Like, REALLY shitty.

Like, stereotypical, fire breathing, crazy, PMS'ing shitty.

I woke up this morning with the intention of being in a better mood.
My plan was working. My kid was being cute. We split a pear and she made yummy (nom nom nom) sounds every time she put a piece in her mouth.

We took Dexter on a nice long walk. Willa pointed at all of the flowers and dogs she saw.
The weather was beautiful

Then, we were a half a block from our building when a man came up behind us and said "Can you let me by? You're taking up the whole side walk!"

?????

There I am struggling to wrangle a dog and a stroller, and it's trash day, so half the sidewalk is covered in garbage bags, and we were about 50 feet from an area where he could have gotten around us, and he thought that the appropriate response was to be rude to me?

So, I yelled at him "Have you ever heard the phrase excuse me?"

To which he replied "Have you? (What the fuck does that even mean? Good comeback douche.)

To which I replied "What, am I supposed to be psychic? How was I supposed to know you were behind me? ASSHOLE."

Then I walked into my building and the skin on all of the people in the lobby melted right off.

So, now I'm in a bad mood. AGAIN.

And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in a situation like that when my daughter is with me.

I don't want her to start yelling "ASSHOLE" at people, but I also don't want her to think it's ok for people to treat her with disrespect.

It's a fine line.

Posted by torrie at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

-To cross more off my to-do list
-To eat healthier
-To exercise more
-To stop saying self deprecating things in front of my daughter
-To take my dog to the park more often
-To have more sex
-To get more massages
-To be more productive
-To like salad
-To tell her how I really feel about it
-To be more organized
-To get rid of a lot of stuff
-To not get so angry when I drive
-To watch less television
-To read more books
-To do more crossword puzzles
-To do more charity work
-To cook different/interesting things more often
-To not let my mood be dictated by whether the Mets win or lose
-To do more for my friends
-To learn more about photography
-To learn how to use photo shop properly
-To spend less time on the computer
-To write in the journal I keep for my daughter more often
-To be more understanding
-To take joy in the little things

What are yours?

Posted by torrie at 08:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I may not be done here.

Posted by torrie at 08:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

I think I might be done here. At least for a while. I don't know. It's feeling like a chore.

I just don't have the time. Running the household. Taking care of the animals. Taking care of Willa. Packing. Etc., Etc., Etc.
Willa's modeling career has kept me really busy lately too. In the last two weeks she's either had an audition (go-see) or a shoot on Tuesday, Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. She has a photo shoot and a go-see tomorrow.
I am exhausted.
And I spend Willa's naps eating or showering or returning phone calls. It's really annoying how much time eating and showering takes.

At night, after Willa goes to sleep, I make dinner (although lately I've been ordering out WAY too much because I just don't have the energy to cook), eat dinner, return emails, make phone calls, try to have an actual conversation with my husband, and watch TV. I barely have time to read blogs, let alone write one.

I'm sad because blogging is one of the few things I do for myself, and I've met a lot of great people on the internet. But, the truth is, I'm not a writer. When something is on my mind I don't feel the need to write it down. I've never kept a journal. When I write it's forced. I struggle to explain myself properly. I wish we could all just hang out- I'm much wittier in person.

I'm trying to prioritize thing in my life right now. Things that are important to me right now-being a good mother, wife, and friend. Eating healthy. Exercising. Photography. Updating my blog is on the bottom of the list.

I'm really stressed out. I can barely get the daily stuff done. I don't know how I'm going to find time to pack. I'm moving in two months. AND I have stuff going on EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
Somethings got to give. I need to spend more time away from the computer. I'm addicted and it's not healthy.

I'll still Twitter and Flickr. And I might come back here eventually.

I'll miss you guys.

Posted by torrie at 09:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I'm trying to do some research. It would be really helpful if you answer the following questions:

1) Does your baby/child sleep through the night?
2) What time do they go to bed? What time do they wake up?
3) Do they sleep in a crib or toddler bed? Is it in their own room?
4) Are they being breastfed?
5) If they wake up in the middle of the night do you need to breastfeed or bottle feed them to get them to go back to sleep?
6) What type/brand of diapers do you use?
7) Do you use a different/special overnight diaper?

Feel free to also tell us any tips, or stories about your child's sleep habits.

Posted by torrie at 06:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (49)

One minute I am having a bad dream about my father that I can't remember the details of when I wake up. The next I am having a dream that my husband and I are having hot shower sex.

One minute I am banging my head against the wall because my kid is screaming in her crib because she won't take a nap and I know she is tired. So, I end up having to put her in the stroller and walk and walk in the cold and rain for 45 minutes with tears streaming down my face because I am hungry and exhausted. The next minute I am playing with my kid and she is in a great mood- curious and laughing- and I think my heart is going to burst from all of the love.

One minute I am annoyed and yanking on Dexter's leash shouting "LEAVE IT" when he tries to eat some unidentified thing off of the sidewalk because I know it will give him diarrhea and he will wake me up in the middle of the night to go out- because I'm not exhausted enough already. The next minute Dexter greets me when I walk in the door with a stuffed animal in his mouth and a wagging tail. Later we snuggle in bed together and he rolls around on his back snorting with delight while I rub his tummy.

One minute I feel like I'm a fraud for calling myself a photographer because I really have no idea what I'm doing technically- I'm afraid that one of my clients will ask me a technical question and I won't know the answer. The next, I am excited and proud of a picture I took and I feel like I really have an eye. And isn't the end result- a good picture- all that really matters?

One minute I'm feeling self conscious and embarrassed about my post-baby body. And I'm angry at myself for not eating better and exercising more. The next, minute my husband tells me I'm sexy, and I realize that maybe my body isn't so bad, and that in a couple of years when we have more money I can hire a trainer and really get in shape.

One minute I'm totally stressed out about all of the things I have to do. The next, I'm crossing stuff off of the list and feeling a sense of accomplishment.

One minute I am in so much pain. My shoulder, my back, my hips. The next minute I realize that I am thankful that I can walk, and that I have access to some of the best medical care in the world.

One minute I feel like life is too much for me to handle. The weight of the world is on my shoulders. The next minute I'm at the park, pushing Willa in the swing while she squeals with joy, my husband and Dexter standing next to me, and I realize that maybe life isn't so bad after all.

Posted by torrie at 05:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Looking for a Masseuse/ Babysitter/ Housekeeper

Must be proficient at back tickling, nursery rhymes, and folding laundry in a perfectly anal way.

Must actually clean under things.

Salary will be paid in cuteness, baked goods, and gratitude.

If interested please comment below.

Posted by torrie at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

So, BIG news.

We are moving out of Manhattan.

Yes, we are THAT couple. The one who has a baby and then flees to the suburbs. My "cool" factor was already lower than most humans and now it is hovering in dangerous territory.

This decision was not made lightly. There was much thought and consideration and many conversations.

Here's a list of reasons we are leaving Manhattan:

1) We can't afford to live here anymore. We were already struggling financially and we found out that between rent and parking our expenses were going to go up about $1,000 a month next year. As much as I enjoy sleeping with strangers I do not enjoy standing on a street corner when it is cold or raining, so the obvious solution was; MOVE SOMEWHERE CHEAPER. (And sleep with strangers for free.)

2) We don't take advantage of what this city has to offer therefore making the higher prices we pay for everything even more ridiculous.
We're vegetarian and I'm the pickiest eater on the planet, so we aren't sampling all of the amazing restaurants in Manhattan. We can't afford to go to concerts and shows. And we aren't the bar/club types.

3) Our neighborhood is isolating.
We live on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The nearest subway stop is about a 20 minute walk from us. Central park is about a half an hour walk away. We hardly travel outside our neighborhood and as much as I love the neighborhood feel of the Upper East Side most of the interesting stuff in the city is NOT UP HERE. I might feel differently if we lived in a different neighborhood. And we certainly can't drive anywhere in the city because there are approximately 700 parking spaces for 7,000 cars in this city.

4) Dexter hardly ever gets to go to the park. Like I said above, we live about a half an hour from Central Park. Dogs are only allowed off the leash there before 9 am. Willa doesn't wake up until about 8am. Plus, if it's warm out, by the time we get there Dexter is already worn out. There is a dog run about a half a mile from us, but it is basically just a slab of cement fenced in. We bring Dexter there and he just stands there and stares at us like "You expect me to run around ON THIS?" Whenever we drive out to the suburbs and he sees grass he immediately throws his body onto it and rolls around like I do when I see a pile of money. This breaks my heart.

5) When I was young the city was fun and exciting. Now that I'm old and crotchety the city has become annoying. All the PEOPLE. SO MANY PEOPLE. YES, YES THE BUILDINGS ARE REALLY TALL NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY. And the SMELLS. And the NOISE. I'm sick of all of it.

6) Then there are the MANY MANY inconveniences. Not being able to buy more groceries than you can carry. Having to walk Dexter in the rain and snow and having to pay someone to walk him on nights that my husband is working. The elevators never working. NO TARGET. The list goes on and on.

Here's a list of reasons why we are so excited to be moving:

1) Our new place is AWESOME. It's not fancy. No granite or crown moldings, BUT there's 300 square feet more than we have now! And a second bathroom! (We can poop in unison!) And a basement! (Storage!) And OUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER! AND A GARAGE! And street parking! And- I don't know if you can handle this- A BACKYARD! (Fenced in!)

2) We will be living within walking distance of the train. NO JOKE- it will actually take us less time to get to Grand Central Station from the new place than from where we live now.

3) We will also be living within walking distance of our new awesome quaint little town.

4) I get to garden! I can't wait!

5) When we want to go outside we just open the door AND STEP OUTSIDE. Going outside will no longer be a huge production. Also, if it's raining or snowing or the husband is working I can just open the door and let Dexter out in the backyard.

6) There are two great parks where everyone takes their dogs within a five minute drive from our new place. There's also a nature preserve a few minutes away.

7) Trees. Grass. Flowers. FRESH AIR. Ahhhhhh.

8) Two words: KIDDIE POOL.

9) No elevators.

10) We are a ten minute drive from Whole Foods, Target!, and MANY other stores.

Now don't get me wrong- I'm terrified. Manhattan is my home.
When we had to move out of Manhattan when I was 14 I was devastated. I was obsessed with living in Manhattan. When I finally got to move back here 4 years ago I was elated. But, now I'm realizing that I'm not 14 anymore and I want different things. There are definitely things I will miss about Manhattan. There are days when we walk through Central Park and go to a cafe and I'm in love with this city. But, most days I'm just annoyed. When I see Willa's reaction when she sees plants, and birds, and butterflies, I know I'm making the right decision.

So Manhattan, it's not you, IT'S ME.

Posted by torrie at 06:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (33)

As part of Niel's great interview experiment I was interviewed by Ally of Acting Like a Mama.

Here's the interview:

1) We both gave birth to our first baby in May 2007. This means the eventful 1st birthday is not too far away. We are planning of planting a tree for our son – have you thought how you might celebrate Willa’s 1st birthday? Do you have any family birthday traditions?
I can't believe that this kid who was in my belly is going to be turning one in three months. To be honest I have NO IDEA what we are going to do for her birthday. About the only thing we do know is that we will be donating to the Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary in her name.

2) I see you are a picky vegetarian – you are also went to culinary school so must have passion about cooking – If you were able to decide, what would you choose to cook for your last meal on earth?
Wow. That's such a tough question for me. I have a love/hate relationship with food. I would probably have to choose Tagliatelle with cashew cream sauce and parmesan cheese.
.
3) You and your husband sing – what are your musical influences – if you had one song that you had to sing to an audience of 20,000 – what song would you pick?
I used to sing all the time, but some where along the way I lost my confidence. My father-in-law is a singer and I've performed a couple of times with him. I tend to prefer to sing simple folk songs as opposed to rock. My voice doesn't have a lot of power. I was supposed to sing "All that we let in" by the Indigo Girls this year at the Guthrie Center, but my father died the day of the concert, so I canceled at the last minute. My favorite song to preform live would probably be "Tangled up in Blue". Not the Bob Dylan version, but the Indigo Girls version. I really enjoy singing their stuff because I love the harmony. If i had any balls at all I would put a video of me singing on my blog.

4) You say you don’t like the movies that ‘everyone likes’ – what is your all time favourite movie and what do you think makes a good movie?
I don't think I could pick one favorite. I like different movies at different times because of my mood or what happens to be going on in my life . Off the top of my head here are some of my favorite movies: American Beauty, Forrest Gump, Dirty Dancing, Office Space, Clerks, Love Actually, Face Off, Terminator 2, Notting Hill, Garden State. I obviously like a weird mix of action movies and romantic comedies. I don't need a movie to be profound or have amazing cinematography I just need it to entertain me.

*Edited to add- I just saw Juno and I thought it was completely overrated.

5) The last year must have been particularly difficult for you, a pregnancy, giving birth and raising a child, and losing your father. What would be the one thing grief has taught you?
Grief has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was.

6) Your husband seems to work an awful lot, something that I can totally sympathise with – I find it really hard to cope especially in the early evening - What strategies to do you use to cope?
Yeah. He does work a lot, but he still spends more time with Willa than most fathers I've met. He's VERY involved. I think I complain so much about how much he works because I really like him and I miss him when he's not around. Life would be much easier if I didn't like him so much. And, of course, there are days when Willa is being particularly challenging and I miss having some help. On those days I try to go out for a lot of walks- Willa is really happy when we are out and about. The winter is really hard because sometimes it's just too cold to take long walks. On those days we read a lot of books and I put on some music and dance around. Kayne West is Willa's favorite. I have managed to not let her watch television although I have been REALLY tempted.

7) You are an excellent photographer with your work appearing in the New York Times and for Nikon. My favourite photo on your blog is “The Sunshine on My Cloudy Day” (August 6, 2007). What do you like about taking photos? What is the number one tip for us armatures?
Thank you. I really am not a technically skilled photographer, I just have an eye. My number one tip for amateurs is TURN OFF YOUR FLASH. That's the difference between a snapshot and a professional photograph- the lighting. I almost never use a flash and when I do it's a professional flash- not the one that is built into the camera. When you have to use the flash because the light is too low, tape a piece of wax paper over the flash to diffuse it.

8) Once I write a post on my blog, I very rarely return to read it again – the only exception is my labour/birth story – Do you re-read your posts? Why/why not?
Sometimes I read my old posts. I have a horrible memory, so it helps me figure out what I was doing when. Also, if I'm having a rough time, the supportive comments can be really uplifting.

9) If there was one thing that you hoped your blog will achieve – what would it be? Do you write mainly for yourself? Or others?
For me my blog is a social network. I've met so many wonderful people because of it. I know that I'm not a good writer, but it's still nice to be able to express myself and get stuff off of my chest.

10) The blog community can be wonderful at times, and not so wonderful at other times – What are your thoughts on meeting your blog contacts in real life – have you ever done this and did it change your perception of them/their blog?
I have met so many bloggers. Tracy Manford, Heather Hunter, Heather and Jon Armstrong, Sarah Brown, Heather B, Melissa, Schnozz, and so many more. I consider most of the bloggers I've met as my friends. There are also several people who I've "met" on the internet who I haven't met in real life who I consider friends. I want to kiss the internet on the mouth for introducing me to so many fantastic people.

11) You live in Manhattan – I have never traveled out of Australia and would love to go to New York one day – If you had to take me on a tour to your three favourite spots in Manhattan/New York – where would you take me?
First, I would take you to all of the hidden corners of Central Park that most people don't even know about, them we would go to The Museum of Natural History and stare at the giant whale suspended from the ceiling, then we would go to Alice's Tea Cup for high tea.

12) Your blog is titled “I pretty much Hate everything” which can sound very negative, but your posts are far from it – You display such emotion, both good and bad, and some great humour, and lets not mention the wonderful photographs again! How and why did you pick this title?
I REALLY love to complain. it's actually a habit that I am trying to break because I don't Willa to be as negative as me. My problem is that I am constantly disappointed by people and their lack of common sense. I am generally a very nice person, but if you piss me off or hurt someone I care about, WATCH OUT.

Feel free to ask me any additional questions in the comments.

Also, when I can find some time,I'll be interviewing Aimee of Put Your Flare On. She's an American living in Paris, so it should be an interesting interview.

Posted by torrie at 02:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

While hanging out and laughing with your good friends have someone tickle your back while you eat chocolate pudding and watch Barack Obama win three more states.

Posted by torrie at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I'm not going to get into a whole diatribe about politics, but I will say this-
This country has been in a downward spiral for the past several years.
We have the power to change it
Please vote.
I unfortunately can't vote in the primary because I am registered as an independent.

If I could, I would vote for Obama.
He is just what this country needs right now.
Also, I've met him, and he seems like the kind of guy that I would love to hang out with and isn't that what we all really want in a president- someone we can relate to?

Please watch this video. It brought tears to my eyes.

Posted by torrie at 08:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Posted by torrie at 11:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I've been hesitant to write about this because I'm sure I'll get lots of lovely emails from some judgmental assholes, but here goes nothing.

Back in the beginning of November we were in Bloomingdale's returning some stuff, when we saw that they were having a baby model search. So, we decided it would be fun to enter Willa. We filled out a form and then she sat in my lap and they snapped a couple of pictures of her. She gave them a huge smile and that was it. We went home and forgot about it. Then, a couple of weeks later, the phone rang. It was the people from Bloomingdale's calling to tell us that Willa had won the contest. I was dumbfounded.
The prize was a full page ad in The New York Times.
So, a few weeks later Willa had her photo shoot. She had a GREAT time. There were other kids there- they were shooting another ad. She loved meeting everyone and seeing everything.
She gets really bored when we stay at home. She's happiest meeting new people and seeing new things.
Willa's turn came and they plopped her down on a pillow in the middle of this big set in from of ten strangers (photographer, photographer's assistants, buyers, stylists, etc.) and she just looked up at the camera and laughed and smiled. She was awesome.

After the shoot we were talking to one of the women from Bloomingdale's and she said that Willa should model. I said that I thought she might have fun doing it, but I didn't know how to get started. So, she picked up her phone and called her contact at one of the top modeling agencies in the world. She told them that Willa was great and that they should sign her. They asked me to email them a picture. The next morning (a Tuesday) I emailed them and less than two hours later they emailed me back and said they wanted to meet her on Thursday. We met with the agency on Thursday and we were there for about five minutes before they offered her a contract. It was all very surreal.

Now, my husband and I debated this and discussed every aspect. I honestly felt kind of weird about the whole thing. We also had 5 different lawyers read the contract (including two who work in the entertainment industry).
We decided to go for it for the following reasons:

1) As I stated above, Willa LOVES meeting new people and experiencing new things. She lights up whenever someone pays attention to her. On the few go-sees and photo shoots we've been on Willa starts bouncing up and down and screeching happily when she sees the other kids.
2) I looked into mommy and me classes in my neighborhood. They cost about $500-$700 (yes, REALLY) and they only meet once a week. We can't afford that. Even the libraries in my area make you register weeks in advance for story time and most of them only let you go once a month.
3) Willa modeling means people will pay her to have fun. We can put the money in an account for her and if anything ever happens to us at least she'll have a little bit of a cushion. Also, we are just getting by these days and we can't afford to set aside money to put in a college fund for Willa. I am super paranoid about Willa having money for school because I almost wasn't allowed to graduate from culinary school because my parents couldn't afford to pay the bill. It would be great if Willa made enough money to pay for her own college tuition. (Although, I highly doubt it because tuition will probably be a bout a million dollars a year by the time she goes to college.)
4) Once she is actually old enough to understand what modeling is she won't be doing it any more. We don't want her to turn into Jon Bennet Ramsey or Lindsay Lohan.
5) We will be donating a portion of Willa's money to charity.
6)We rarely focus on Willa's beauty. Sure, we occasionally tell her that she is cute or pretty, but mostly we focus on how smart and well behaved she is.
7) We will not compromise our morals. Willa will not model for anything that we don't support such as pharmaceuticals or meat and she won't have to wear any animal products. Her agency is really supportive about this.
8) It's also good for me to get out of the house and meet new people. Plus, I may pick up a few photography tips at the photo shoots.
9) The minute Willa stops having fun we stop.

If you are interested in seeing Willa's ads I will be posting updates on Twitter.

Posted by torrie at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (64)

This has a topic that I've been wanting to write about for a long time.

There seems to be this trend on the internet, specifically in the blogging community- Who is suffering the most?

I remember when I lost my first pregnancy people left comments with undertones of "Well, at least you can GET pregnant". Someone even had the gall to tell me to get over it- that her mother had carried a baby to full term and then had a still birth.

Someone is always suffering more than you.

You had a miscarriage? They've had two.
Your father died? Their spouse died.

When did misery become a competition?

It seems that in order to gain support you must have a hard time. You need to suffer from infertility, or have multiple miscarriages, or be broke, or have an illness, or have a child with physical or developmental delays.
And even if you are suffering from something, rest assured, there is always someone who has it worse.

Is this really human nature? If so, this makes me so sad.

Why can't we be happy for someone when something goes their way?

Money, in particular, seems to be a very touchy subject among bloggers.

I myself, have restricted what I've written about for fear that I would be judged.

When I did the first ad campaign for Nikon they gave me a free D80 camera.
There was a period where, before the ad came out, I wasn't allowed to talk about where I got the camera from or the ad campaign.
I actually hid the fact that I had the D80 until the ad came out because I knew there would be a few people who would say things like "Weren't you just complaining about not having any money? How can you afford that camera?"

There is a lot of assuming going on by people who read blogs.

There are many other things I've been hesitant to write about because people would assume that I have money. And people who have money are obviously spoiled brats.

I have this stroller. It costs about $1,000. My mother-in-law bought it for us. I also have a cleaning lady that my mother-in-law pays for.
We have a car- in Manhattan. It was given to me when my grandmother passed away. The parking in our building is free because my husband is a chief resident.

But what if I had paid for those things myself?

Why is it wrong for people to work hard and reward themselves?
And what if they didn't work hard? What if their family has money? What if they have never known what it is like to struggle financially? Does that make their trials and tribulations or their tragedies any less painful or real? Can someone who is financially stable not be a kind, thoughtful, humble person?

I'm not saying you can't envy someone, or even be a little bit jealous, but why do you need to spew hate at them?

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence it seems. So, while someone might have something that you covet, I'm sure that you have something that they want as well.

Doesn't it make for better karma to be happy and supportive of other people and their triumphs?

I don't agree with everything that people who write the blogs I read do or say. And I think it is perfectly healthy to have friendly debates. But, I would never intentionally insult someone or say something mean to them, no matter how strongly I might disagree with them.

And sure, there are some assholes out there blogging. But, they usually say controversial things just to get attention, so when you leave an obnoxious comment you are just feeding their fire.

So, here's my unsolicited advice-

Don't assume things. You can't possibly know all the details from one (or even several) blog entries.

If you don't have anything nice to say- DON'T SAY ANYTHING. See that little red x at the top of the page? Click it, and move on. No one is forcing you to read someone's blog.

I have several friends who get paid to blog. This does not mean they should write about what you want them to write about. You wouldn't email your favorite author and tell them that their last book was boring and you liked their books better before they had a child, or moved, or whatever other life changing thing happened to them that you think "changed" their writing. You are not paying to read their blog so, again, if you don't like what you read, MOVE ON.

Thank you for being such a good listener.

Posted by torrie at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (48)

1) When I grab a poop bag for a walk with Dexter I try to coordinate it with my outfit.
2) I buy scallion pancakes and then I pick out each and every scallion before I eat them.
3) I don't like movies that everyone else likes. For instance- Heat, Moulin Rouge, Casablanca, It's a Wonderful Life, etc.
4) I actually believe that I am a little bit psychic.
5) Sometimes I pick out a toy for Willa based on what she is wearing.
6) I order quiche from the cafe down the street at least three times a week. That might not sound strange, but what if I told you that it's got mushrooms and leeks in it, and I like neither mushrooms nor leeks, so I pick apart the entire thing? Also, I then bring the mutilated quiche home for my husband to eat, which means my fridge has several containers of quiche in it at all times.
7) I hate porn and sex toys and yet I think I am sexually adventurous.
8) My entire apartment can be a mess, but if a drawer is open or a picture is crooked I lose my mind.
9) I don't eat onions because I think they taste like crunchy bugs.
10) I can't sleep naked because I'm afraid a bug will crawl up my hoo-ha.

Posted by torrie at 08:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

Things that are interesting to a seven month old-

Water bottles
Glasses of water
Spoons
The cat's food bowl
Pens
Measuring spoons
Phones
Books
Music
Strangers
New places
Crawling
Being naked
Medical journals

Things that are not interesting to a seven month old-

Mommy
Our apartment
Solid foods
Her sippy cup
99% of her toys
Getting her diaper changed
Putting clothes on
Napping

Posted by torrie at 06:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

When I am interviewing you for a job WATCHING MY INFANT CHILD- do not tell me that you only have personal references because you didn't want to "bother" the people you used to work for.
I 'm not going to hire you based on the fact that your aunt Selma says that you are a really nice girl.

Also, even if you are interviewing for a janitor position, sneakers are NOT appropriate interview attire.

Posted by torrie at 04:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Hi! To answer your question, yes, I am still alive.

I have been very busy. And uninspired.

I am not a writer by nature. Writing takes a lot of effort for me. So, it takes me a bunch of time and energy to write something that most of the time isn't that good anyway.

I don't know whether or not I should just give up blogging. It has come in handy when I need to vent and it is a great social network, but I have so little free time. And I'm already having trouble giving enough attention to the friends I've made through blogging. Do I really have time for more?

Blogging has felt like a chore lately. That isn't the way it's supposed to be - unless of course I was making a bunch of money- It's supposed to be something fun that I do for myself.

I don't know if I can justify spending my time blogging when there's a baby to hold, a dog and cats to play with, a husband to laugh and snuggle with, chores to be done, emails to send, phone calls to make, and pictures to edit.

I'm so torn. Do I quit blogging? Do I just do it very sporadically? Do I change my blog into something else? Video blog? Photo blog?

I just don't know.

Posted by torrie at 09:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (26)

We all have our obsessions.

My husband's obsession is paper napkins. Yes, you read that right. Paper napkins.

I don't know if he was deprived of napkins as a child, or if he had some horrible experience where he desperately needed a napkin and none could be found, but now he hoards them.

They are everywhere. When I'm doing the laundry I find them in his pants pockets. I open a drawer in the bedroom- filled with napkins. When I open a cabinet in the kitchen they fall all over me.

He doesn't discriminate. As long as they are paper napkins he is satisfied.
He gets them from Dunkin Donuts. 7-11. Pizza places. The deli down the street. The cafeteria at the hospital.
He takes them by the fist full. They bring him some kind of security. And joy.

I really don't get it. I guess I should be happy that he's not obsessed with something horrible, like FOOTBALL.
I'm trying to be supportive.

That's why when he comes home from work tomorrow night I'll meet him at the door wearing nothing but paper napkins.

Hey- whatever it takes to keep it interesting.

Posted by torrie at 10:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So, we started feeding Willa solids a couple of days after she turned five months.

Our pediatrician wanted us to wait until Willa was six months old (the current guideline).
Some people may not agree with us not listening to our pediatrician, but I just knew she was ready for solids.
The recommendation used to be four months, but because of the rise in children with food allergies, doctors now recommend waiting until six months.

We debated about whether or not Willa was ready, but we finally decided she was because:
No one in either my family or my husband's family has any food allergies.
She was exhibiting all of the signs that she was ready, including grabbing at our food.
She is physically the size of a six month old (she's 90% for height and 75% for weight).

Only time will tell if we made the right decision, but I'm interested to hear what you guys have to say.

How old was your child when you started them on solids?
Does your child have any food allergies?

Posted by torrie at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

Hey! How are you?
Did you know that trying to blog while taking care of four animals, and a five month old active, teething, doesn't like to sleep baby is virtually impossible? I was not aware of that. Now I am AWARE.
Also, having your laptop break does not help the situation. Especially when you usually use the laptop while you are breastfeeding which is like, oh I don't know, approximately a hundred times a day. But the laptop, it is broken, so you are just left with the PC. Which is in the bedroom. The most un-kid-friendly place in your apartment.
So, you try to write blog posts while the kid is napping, but the kid only takes two 1/2 hour naps a day during which time you do luxurious things like EAT! And GO TO THE BATHROOM! Which leads to several unfinished posts that are just sitting there mocking you.
Well, then there's the evening. The kid does sleep at night. Don't forget about the evening! You have time for blogging in the evening, right?
NOT SO MUCH.
In the evening you do more selfish stuff. Like MAKE DINNER! And EAT said dinner! And SHOWER! And do LAUNDRY! And RETURN PHONE CALLS! And EDIT PICTURES! Oh the excitement!
Plus, you have to fight your husband for the computer anyway. But really, what's more important? Blogging, or your husband's job? You might think the answer is obvious, but your husband keeps jabbering on about needing to make the schedule, and I'm a doctor- Blah Blah BLAH. And you don't have the energy to argue.

So, yeah. You're left with a post like this. Typed one handed while eating a bowl of cereal.

I'm sure there will be more time soon. Like maybe when the kid goes to KINDERGARTEN.

Posted by torrie at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I hate to travel.

First- the actual act of traveling. Driving sucks because of traffic, and it kills my back. And I can't read or do a crossword puzzle in the car because I get carsick.
Flying sucks because I have to figure out how to get to the airport and now with Willa, having a car seat needs to be factored in (when we flew to North Carolina for my dad's memorial service we decided to drive our car to the airport and leave it in long term parking. It cost us $80 but it was still cheaper than taking a cab back and forth, and we didn't have to worry about installing a car seat or lugging one around; our rental car in NC had one). Then of course there are the other fun perks of flying- long lines while dragging all your stuff around, practically having to get undressed when you go through security, delayed or canceled flights, lost luggage, sitting on the runway in a hot plane, terrible food, or lack thereof. The airlines have lost my luggage, damaged my suitcase (several times), made me cry, stranded me in various cities (once in Miami I had to stay in a horrible motel room that smelled- without my luggage because I didn't make my connecting flight, but my bags did). I also seem to catch a cold almost every time I fly.

I was never one of these people who loves traveling. I don't deal well with change.

Hotel beds are always super uncomfortable no matter where you stay. We have a Select Comfort bed and I've become quite addicted to it. Whenever I'm not sleeping at home I am miserable. I remember for my husband's college reunion my mother-in-law treated us to a ridiculously expensive hotel in Boston. The bed was so uncomfortable that we seriously debated going down to the garage and sleeping in our car. And don't even get me started on the pillows. Who the hell likes down pillows? First, they are waaaay too soft. You put your head on one and the part behind your head completely flattens out so you have no neck support at all and the sides stick up and engulf your head like you are wearing giant earmuffs. Second, the feathers stick through the pillow and poke you in the face.

Then there's the food issue. I am the pickiest eater ever. You know Meg Ryan's character in When Harry Met Sally? Yeah, well she's got nothing on me.That combined with the fact that I am a vegetarian makes it very difficult for me to find food when I'm away from home. When I was in France I'd ask for something vegetarian (In French no less) and it would arrive at the table with bacon on it. Then, of course my stomach gets all out of whack. For instance, on my honeymoon I was either constipated or had diarrhea every day. (I know, super sexy, huh? My husband is a lucky man.)

We also have to figure out what to do with the animals when we are away.
Dexter is not the type of dog you can stick in a kennel. The two younger cats are on a special diet (because of Mookie's bladder/kidney problems) where they have to be fed three times a day. Our older cat is about 15 and does not travel well. We usually take Dexter and the two younger cats to my mom's house (a two hour drive away), which is a royal pain in the ass. We have to bring a litter box and litter, bowls, a water fountain, and cans of wet food for the cats, and Dexter's dry food, wet food, and his bowl. Then, let's not forget all of the brushes and medicine. All that stuff, Dexter, the two cats in their carriers, and Willa barely fit in the car. Plus, the cats serenade us with their melodic screaming the entire two hour drive.
I'm very thankful that my mom is willing to take care of the animals (although this means that I can never go on a trip with my mother), but we still have to find someone to come to our apartment and feed our older cat at least once a day.

The amount of stuff we have to bring with us when we travel with Willa is unbelievable. Clothes, wipes, diapers, toys, books, blankets, something for her to sleep in (we brought the Pack N' Play to North Carolina), car seat, and a stroller. We also realized that we need to bring something for her to sit in. She spends a lot of her day hanging out in the bouncy seat or her Bebe Pod. Without it we would have to hold her all the time, which neither of our backs can take (she is giant- she weighs about 18lbs. now). We brought the Bebe Pod to North Carolina. Also, we had to make due with out Willa's bathtub while we were there.

It's all just too much.

Most of the time when I get home from a "vacation" I feel like I need a vacation. I am a creature of habit. I like to be home. I like to sleep in my bed. I like to prepare food the way I like it. I like to be surrounded by my things.

Maybe one day, when I have money, I'll enjoy traveling more. I can charter a private jet. I can hire someone to drive me around. I can have any kind of food I want.
Until then,if you need me, I'll be in my bed, surrounded by my things, picking all of the scallions out of my scallion pancakes, straining the mushrooms out of my mushroom soup, and taking all of the tomato sauce off of my pizza.

Posted by torrie at 03:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

If you are a girl baby:

-You must wear pink at all times, otherwise, even if you are wearing a dress, people will ask if you are a boy.

- You CAN'T wear blue. God forbid. Everyone knows that only boys can wear blue.

-Don't even THINK about wearing anything sports related because as someone said to me once "But that's BOY clothing."

-Your stroller should be pink or purple or covered in butterflies. Only boys ride in blue or black strollers.

-You can't wear jeans (unless it's a jean skirt) because OBVIOUSLY boys wear jeans. Even if the stitching on the jeans is PINK.

-You must have hair, otherwise you must be a boy.
To clarify:
Hair = Girl
Bald = Boy
This explains why people do this to their children.

I hope I've made myself clear.

Obviously a boy:

Posted by torrie at 09:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (38)

Posted by torrie at 09:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Thanks to Elizabeth for the new masthead.

The old one was up there for a year because I am terrible at making mastheads. Photoshop is not my forte. Layers? What's a layer? Also, I had to have a friend put it up for me because I couldn't figure that out either.

If anyone else wants to do a masthead feel free to email it to me.

Bucky is working on one for me. I'm a little scared to see what she comes up with.

Posted by torrie at 11:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

-I found out that my building has been throwing out all of our recyclables with the regular trash. This makes me furious. I promptly reported them.

-I got a botched bikini wax- uneven, ripped skin, wax left all over me- and then the salon had the nerve to try to charge me extra.

-I was breastfeeding Willa and I started laughing. Apparently Willa doesn't like when I laugh because she started to cry. She's so adorable when she cries- she has a perfect pout- that it made me laugh harder which made her cry more.

-I have a canker sore on my tongue.

-Dexter has another hot spot.

-I was clipping my nails so I don't stab myself or my child and a nail clipping flew into my eye.

-The Mets lost.

I'm going to bed before anything else goes wrong.

Update: After a night of virtually no sleep, this is how my morning started.

Posted by torrie at 09:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

-WOW. Britney Spears. WOW. She could at least try a little. She's just going through the motions. She's not even TRYING to lip sync. WOW.

-Sarah Silverman "Amy Winehouse. She is Jewish, right? Well, if she isn't someone should tell her face." Awesome. One of the best lines I've heard all year.

-Alicia Keys is shiny.

-The Monster Single of the year Award? Yeah, out of the 10 songs nominated I've only heard 2. This makes me feel very old.

-Rihanna's hair looks like she cut it with a food processor.

-I think Kayne West is great, but not as great as Kayne West thinks he is.

-I don't know who half of these people are. I AM OLD.

-All I can think of when I see Bill Hader is Vincent Price.

-Beyonce's dress is just a curtain from Ceasar's Palace. At least that's what I hope it is because if she spent money on that she got RIPPED OFF.

-I don't know who Chris Brown is, but boy can he MOVE.

-Justin Timberlake better win Male Artist of the Year.

-Booyah!

-Timbeland is super talented.

-Some advice for Alecia Keys- Just sit at the piano and play. Dancing is not your strong point. Also, what's with the Wonder Woman meets Pocahontas ensemble?

-Jennifer Garner is adorable.

-Mrs. Teen South Carolina. WHAT?

-Who ARE these people?

-Dr. Dre is JACKED.

-Justin Timberlake make me want to hump things.

Well, it's over and I feel old and out of touch. I'm going to take some Geritol and go to bed.

Posted by torrie at 09:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here's the plan- I have decided that I am never actually going to get teeth. I'm just going to teeth FOREVER, or at least until I go away to college. I will be happy, smiling, laughing, and talking up a storm and than with NO WARNING my bottom lip will quiver and I will let out a yelp of pain. I will also have trouble going to sleep and when I finally do fall asleep I will toss back and forth and wake up EVERY HOUR ALL NIGHT.

Love,

Willa

P.S. What does it mean when mommy sits in the corner and rocks back and forth whilst babbling incoherently to herself?

P.P.S. POOP! (AAaaaahahahahahaaaaa!)

Posted by torrie at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

The September 10th issue of Time Magazine (Rosie the Riveter is on the cover) has an obit on my dad on page 22.

Here's a link to it online.
His is the third one down.

Posted by torrie at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Inspired by Dooce's "Oh my god our plumbing is fucked cookie" I bring you Depression Dessert:

1)Crumble one package of graham crackers in baking dish, or if you like to be ghetto like me, use a tupperware container.
2)Make one box of chocolate instant pudding according to the package directions. Pour over graham crackers. (If you are using cooked pudding make sure you let it cool a little first.) Place in fridge.
3)Mix large amounts of peanut putter and marshmallow fluff together. Spread over chocolate pudding (once it has set up).
4)Layer thinly sliced bananas on top of the fluffernutter mixture.
5)Drizzle with chocolate sauce or melted chocolate (I used a melted milk chocolate bar).

If you are really depressed you may also want to add one or all of the following:
M&M's
Caramel sauce
Toasted Coconut
A crushed up candy bar of your choice.
Rum

ENJOY!

Posted by torrie at 08:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

My father is the featured obituary in today's New York Times.
Here's the article.

There's also an article in one of the North Carolina newspapers.
Here's the article.
(This link is no longer active)

I'll continue to update as more articles come out.

Posted by torrie at 03:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

My dad died on Saturday.

I visited him on Friday (my birthday) and he wasn't doing very well. I asked him if he wanted me to cancel my weekend trip and he said to me "That's the last thing I want you to do. Go have fun."
I spoke to his doctor and asked her if I should cancel my trip and she said "I haven't placed him on critical watch yet, so I think he'll be fine through the weekend." I asked her how much longer she thought he had and she said "A week. Two weeks top."

I sat in the chair next to my dad's bed and wept while he was sleeping.

I kissed my dad on the forehead, said I would be back Monday morning, told him I loved him, and left the hospital.

I reluctantly left for my trip to Massachusetts on Friday night. II was supposed to sing at the Guthrie Center on Saturday night. It took us 4 1/2 hours to drive there, through pouring rain. We got there at 11:30pm.

On Saturday morning at 10am I got a call from the hospital saying that my dad's blood pressure was low and they were going to place him on critical watch to be cautious. I asked his doctor if I should drive back and she said "If you're asking me if I think he'll die today the answer is no, but there's always a possibility. Why don't you call me back at 3:00 to check on him because I will have re-evaluated him by then."
At 3pm I called and the nurse told me the doctor wouldn't be available until 4pm.
At 4pm I was breast feeding Willa when the phone rang. It was the hospital calling to tell me my father had died.

My first instinct was to feel guilty about the fact that my father died alone.

But the more people I talk to, the more I'm starting to believe that my father didn't want me to watch him die.

My nephew told me that when I was out of the room when we visited him on Wednesday, my father said to him "I'm in a lot of pain. I don't have much longer. Don't tell Torrie , I don't want to ruin her Birthday."

Another thing that in a strange way made me feel better is that my dad's dog died on Thursday. He was nine years old, had no known medical problems, and had just been walking around and wagging his tail that morning. He just went to sleep and didn't wake up. Thursday was the day my dad really started to go downhill (I think he waited until Saturday to let go because he didn't want to ruin my Birthday). I think his dog just didn't want to live without him. We didn't tell my father that his dog died. They are together now.

I have spent the last three days visiting the funeral home, writing lists, making DOZENS of phone calls, and planning two memorial services. All with a baby suckling at my breast. You can't imagine how hard it is to call people and tell them that their friend died. My dad had a lot of friends.

I am on auto-pilot. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that my father is gone.

Tomorrow The New York Times will be doing a featured obituary on my dad. I'll try to link to it if I can.
* Update- they didn't make it to press in time. I think it will be in tomorrow's paper. I'll update when they let me know.

I have had several people people ask me where they can make a donation in my dad's honor.
Here are two options:
The American Cancer Society
or
The QAR project

You have no idea how much all of your kind words and support have meant to me.

*Update-Here's an article about my dad.

Posted by torrie at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (55)

We are supposed to leave on August 25th for a ten day vacation at my mom's house. She lives in the Pocono mountains. It's all trees, and lakes, and farmers' markets- AKA relaxation.
I just looked on line to rent a mini van because we won't be able to fit in our car. It will be me, my husband, Willa, my mom, Dexter, two of my cats, and all of our stuff.
The CHEAPEST car rental rate I could find was more than $1,000. We can't even remotely afford that. I naively thought it would cost about half of that, which we still couldn't really afford, but I was rationalizing it because we were staying at my mom's so we aren't paying for flights or a hotel. Plus, have I mentioned how much we need a vacation?
I have no idea what we are going to do.

My dad is in constant pain now. They have been giving him percocet for the past few days and it's making him very sleepy. Now they're going to have to give him something stronger. So, I guess he'll be spending his remaining days completely out of it.

The Sarcastic Journalist sent me cupcakes and This Fish came to town and took me and Willa to our favorite cafe. Have I mentioned how awesome my friends are?

My birthday is tomorrow and I couldn't care less.

Posted by torrie at 05:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

1) Thank you for all of your amazingly supportive comments and emails.

2) A few people suggested I hire some help. I would love to, but we are broke. We have about $1,000 in our savings account and that's it. We are living off of my husband measly salary. If you actually calculated how much he makes per hour, it's probably less than minimum wage. I'm trying to line up some photography jobs, but I don't really have a lot of time to devote to that.

3) Other people suggested I ask my friends for help. I don't know how this happened considering what a hippie I am, but most of my friends are lawyers, doctors, or bankers. They work a minimum of 60 hours a week, so they don't exactly have the time to babysit. And even if they did, I am HORRIBLE at asking for or accepting help. It is really hard for me to ask someone who works so much and who I hardly get to hang out with as it is to watch my kid.

4) With that said, my mother-in-law took one look at me on Saturday (I was so tired I was slurring my words) and said "That's it! I'm hiring a housekeeper for you!" She had offered to hire a housekeeper when I was pregnant and in bed for three months, but as usual, I refused because I am horrible at accepting help, gifts, or compliments. This time I am going to take her up on her offer. Living in Manhattan makes everything dusty as it is, having 4 animals makes it even worse. Then there's vacuuming, laundry, the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, etc., etc. Plus, I have to run most of the errands. You get the picture. Trying to get everything around the house done (I still haven't finished writing the thank you notes for presents we got when Willa was born), and run errands, and take care of Willa, and deal with the situation with my dad is impossible. Keeping my apartment clean is on the lower end of my list of priorities and it's become a mess. I'm looking forward to having some help.

5) Having no money at such a stressful time in my life really sucks. I'd love to be able to go out to lunch, or get a massage, or buy a magazine without feeling guilty.

6) I have 52 emails in my inbox waiting for my attention. If I haven't responded to your email I apologize.

7) I am performing (singing) at The Guthrie Center in Massachusetts this weekend with my husband and my father-in-law. Finding time to rehearse is practically impossible.

8) For those of you who don't keep track of my Twitter account, my dad was transfered to hospice Friday night. This brings with it new complications- the hospice is a 45 minute drive away (without traffic, but there always seems to be traffic), which means visiting my dad becomes an all day event. I am trying to visit him 4 days a week. I, of course, feel guilty that I can't be there every day.

9) Dexter was put on antibiotics and he's feeling much better.

10) My husband has vacation at the end of August/Beginning of September. We are supposed to go to my mom's house (in the Pocono mountains, 2 hours away) for 10 days. This might sound horribly selfish, but I'm really worried that my dad's illness will interfere with our vacation. We REALLY need this vacation. In addition to the regular 60-80 hours a week my husband works, on June 1st he became chief resident. It's quite an honor, but he has to do all of his responsibilities (schedules, meetings, etc) in his free time (and he doesn't make any extra money for it). Then of course he's helping with Willa- he spends more time with her than most dads who work less than him, and he's dealing with the situation with my dad, and he does a bunch of stuff around the house. He deserves a vacation.
When we saw my dad's doctor on August 6th he estimated that my dad had about a month to live. That coincides right with my husband's vacation. I don't want him to have to spend what little time off he has dealing with the death of my father and going to memorial services. Selfish, but true.

11) I haven't gotten my hair cut since February 22nd, and it shows.

12) Willa turns 13 weeks old today. She is a joy. She's been so cooperative with all of the trips to the hospital. She's visited the hospital almost everyday for the last 12 days and she hasn't cried once. Yesterday, she cried for a grand total of about 10 minutes the entire day, and that was only because her stomach was bothering her. Once she pooped she was happy and smiling again. She laughs and smiles all the time. She smiles at strangers. She is also trying to talk. I have no idea what she's saying, but she sure does. She's constantly babbling. She's helping me get through all of this.

Posted by torrie at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here is a video of Dexter meeting Willa for the first time.
I had a hard time focusing the camera and giving my attention to Dexter and Willa, so I apologize for how wobbly the video is.

Posted by torrie at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Me: Ah! Mookie is putting his anus on me!
Husband: Fight through it. Walk it off.

Posted by torrie at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's what I'm sure will be the first of many videos of Willa that I will be posting.

Posted by torrie at 09:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I have two questions:

1) How long did you wait until after you had a baby to have sex?

2) Did it hurt?

Feel free to comment anonymously.

Posted by torrie at 10:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

In honor of her two month birthday, Willa now has her own Twitter page.

Check it out.

In other news Willa had her two month checkup today. She got her first round of shots (I left the room- my husband stayed with her), and she weighs 12 lbs. and is 22 3/4 inches long.

Posted by torrie at 05:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Boots
Spaghetti
Pachuchki
Kid
Sunshine
Ass (pronounced Aahs)
Ass Bed (Don't ask)
AB
Story
Inventory
Tor
Fiat
Jasmine
Betty Crocker
Mama

Posted by torrie at 06:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

-She has red hair
-Up until a couple of weeks ago almost no clothing fit her. Everything was too big. She basically lived in these onesies that come in a "just born" size. We even had to buy some preemie clothing for her. This makes no sense because at her 1 month check up she was 50th percentile for weight (about 8 3/4 lbs.) and 75th percentile for height (22 inches). I'm thinking the charts they use for the percentiles have not been updated in several years- babies have gotten much bigger in the last ten years. Otherwise it wouldn't make any sense as to why Willa (at almost 7 weeks) is wearing "newborn" size and the 0-3 month size is still big on her.
-For the first 6 weeks of her life she hated my right breast. Refused to latch on to it. I had to use a nipple shield. A few days ago she made peace with my right breast, but lefty is still her favorite.
-She smiles and laughs all the time.
-She is happiest right after she poops (Like mother, like daughter).
-She loves artwork. She constantly wants to look at the paintings and photographs in our apartment. She smiles and babbles at them.
-She loves when you kiss her.
-She rolled over 1 day shy of 6 weeks. This is extremely early. I expect her to be walking and talking in a couple of weeks.
-She wants to stand all the time. she keeps pushing herself up to a standing position.
-She has been holding her head up since day one.
-She is VERY strong.
-She does not sleep nearly as much as a normal baby. I am tired.
-We nicknamed her "Gizmo" because she makes all of these weird gremlin-like noises.
-She makes a lot of funny hand gestures.
-She is a daddy's girl.
-When she is unhappy she does a perfect pout.
-She doesn't mind when Dexter licks her.
-She loves taking a bath.
-She is 7 weeks old today.
-She is awesome.

Posted by torrie at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

I can sustain life with my boobs.

How crazy is that?

Also, I know I suck, but please stop hounding me for the birth story.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm a little busy, what with taking care of an infant and such.

Posted by torrie at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I'm working on the birth story, but until I get it finished I thought these might help keep you entertained-

Goldner's post about meeting Willa 5 hours after she was born.

Heather's post about being Willa's half mommy.

Tracy's post about becoming an aunt.

And, the photos of Willa and her birth.

Posted by torrie at 04:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

NOT FUN- Getting a bikini wax when you are already sore, swollen, and dilated.

Posted by torrie at 04:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

I just ate half a croissant with chocolate hazelnut spread.....

And then I threw it all up.

Posted by torrie at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The husband and I got a camcorder.

Oh the debauchery that will take place.

This means we will be able to film my belly, and the baby kicking, and the animals being adorable.

So many possibilities.

I'd be willing to take requests- if there is anything you'd like to see, leave a comment and I'll try to make it happen.

Also I'd love some advice- what should I use to put the videos on this site? Dropshots.com? Any suggestions?

Posted by torrie at 09:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Watch this.

Posted by torrie at 09:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Tell me I'm sporting American Idol hair and when I ask you what the hell you're talking about tell me that "It looks like that Indian kid's."

Posted by torrie at 10:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Last night I did something in front of my husband that I've never done before in the almost 10 years we've been together.

I peed.

I was not, however, sitting on a toilet at the time.

Let me explain.

I don't go to the bathroom in front of anyone. Not even my own mother.

Last night I was laying on the couch and the husband and I were laughing.

I started laughing so hard that a little pee came out. Which only made me laugh harder. Which made more pee come out.

For the next few minutes I was stuck in a vicious cycle of laughing, and peeing, and gasping for air.

In between gasps of air I managed to choke out "I'm peeing on myself!!!"

This made my husband laugh so hard that he fell on the floor.

A couple of minutes later, with tears streaming down my face, I managed to compose myself.

That's when I realized I had soaked through my underwear onto my pajama pants. A couple of more teaspoons, and I would have officially peed on the couch.

I ran to the bathroom still laughing.

I came out and showed my husband the wet spot on my pajamas, shaking my head in disbelief.

"Well, now you can't say you haven't peed in front of me."

Here's hoping I never poop on the couch.

Posted by torrie at 04:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

One of the things I hope for my child is that she loves reading as much as her father and I do.
Everywhere you look in our apartment there are books and magazines. We are like addicts. We can't get enough. I guess if you're going to be an addict there are worse things to be addicted to than reading.

When I was a child I read constantly. My favorite author was Dr. Seuss.

When I was a nanny my favorite book to read to the children was Goodnight Moon. I can recite it from memory.

As we prepare for the baby and start setting up the nursery I realized that something is missing. We have very few children's books. I would really like to fill the bookcase in the nursery with books before the baby arrives.

That's where you come in.

What were your favorite books when you were a child? If you are a parent, what are your favorite books to read to your child?

Posted by torrie at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (42)

Conversation with Heather:

"I tried taking Tylenol."
"Really? You did???"
"I know. That should tell you how bad it is"
"Did it help?"
"I took it Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and it did NOTHING."
"You know why they let pregnant woman take it? Because it doesn't do shit."
"EXACTLY. They should change the name from Tylenol to Placebo."

Posted by torrie at 05:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I could never express my anger as eloquently as this.

If you live in Alabama, please email me.
I will gladly send you a "present". Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

Posted by torrie at 09:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

"The snoogle is cock-blocking me."

Posted by torrie at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

*Warning*- if you or someone you love has been a victim of sexual abuse this might be a very difficult post to read.

So, there are so many things that go on in my life that I can't talk about here. Mostly because there are some insanely private people in my family and I don't want to start a war. It can been quite frustrating at times.
The reason I haven't mentioned what I'm about to tell you before was for legal reasons. Those legal reasons have since been resolved, so now I am free to talk about it.

First, I need to give you some background-
My dad had three kids with his first wife- one boy and two girls. My dad divorced his first wife when she started to go crazy, REALLY crazy, and refused to get help.
Fast forward to the present-
Both of my sisters have two kids. My sister Lisa has a twenty year old boy and an eight year old girl. My sister Kim has two girls ages seven and eight.
My dad's first wife, Paula has been with the same guy, Paul, for about thirty years now. They live close to my sisters and would babysit their kids.
Paul beat the shit out of my sister Lisa when she was a teenager, and has hit Paula many times.
See, if that was me I never would have let them near my kids, but it's amazing how forgiving people can be of family.
Anyway, about a year ago, my sister Kim was in the bathroom getting her girls ready for bed when her youngest asked her to help her wipe, to which my sister replied "you are a big girl, you don't need help wiping" and my niece said "Poppy (Paul) helps me do it."
This led to a conversation which ended with my niece saying that "poppy kissed her on her pee-pee and then he played with his pee-pee and white stuff came out".

The next few weeks were horrible.
We found out that Paul had been molesting all three of my nieces.
My sister and my nieces had several meetings with police and child protective services (Who all concluded, that without a doubt, the girls had been molested).
My father was devastated, to say the least.
He was battling terminal cancer, and now this.
Also, he couldn't even go be with my sister because he had to be in New York for his cancer treatment.

As if all of this wasn't bad enough, Paula, my sisters' mother, decided to stand by her husband (who, it is worth noting, admitted to the police that he had "kissed them on their labias") instead of standing by her children and her grandchildren.
Over night my sisters lost their mother and their step-father and my sister Kim had to deal with constant questions from her two girls about where Grandma and Poppy were.
My sister Lisa remains in denial about the whole thing and refuses to admit that her daughter was molested.

Over the course of the past year while we waited for Paul's trial (which kept getting delayed because our legal system likes to protect criminals) my sister Kim's two children had a ton of therapy.
During this therapy, which was at a state run facility that specializes in treating abused children, it was drilled into my nieces heads that this was not their fault, and that they did nothing wrong.
And yet, as the trial was approaching, and everyone was preparing the girls for the witness stand Kim's youngest daughter said "Mommy, can't we just say we're sorry?"
When I heard that my heart broke into a million pieces.
Even after months of therapy, these girls still thought they did something wrong. They thought they were the reason Grandma and Poppy didn't come to visit anymore.
And I wonder if, even after years of therapy, they will ever TRULY not feel guilty.

Paul finally stood trial.
My dad sat in the courtroom and watched his ex-wife get on the stand on lie through her teeth.
But, the evidence (the girls' testimony, state experts testimony, and Paul's confession) was overwhelming and Paul will be spending the rest of his life in jail.
You know what they do to child molesters in jail, don't you? I can only hope he suffers.

With the birth of my own child impending, I wonder if I will be able to protect her from something like this.
I mean, my sisters thought they were protecting their children by having family members watch them, and look what happened.

I once heard a quote that went something like this:
"Having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body."

I haven't even met my child yet, but I'm starting to realize that that might be a very accurate description.

Posted by torrie at 08:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (31)

I was less than thrilled.
My back has gotten so bad that almost nothing is worth sitting in an uncomfortable chair for hours on end. Not even Martha.

Posted by torrie at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Last night I took off my pants and when I looked down I realized I couldn't tell if I was wearing underwear or not.

I can't see my own crotch anymore.

On the bright side- at least I can still see other people's crotches.

Posted by torrie at 05:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

There is a maintenance guy in our hallway cleaning the floors. He has been whistling incessantly for the past 15 minutes. It is driving me CRAZY. (I've spoken about my hatred for whistling before- see #68)

I so badly want to go out into the hallway and ask him to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP, but I don't want him to think I'm a bitch. I have to see this guy almost every day.

Is there a polite way to ask someone to stop doing something annoying- whistling, chewing gum, tapping their foot, etc., or will they just think you're a bitch no matter what?

On another note- I have been getting a MASSIVE amount of comment spam so I turned the comment verification on. It might take a while for your first comment to post. Once you have been verified, your comments should post right away.

Posted by torrie at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

What?

Am I the only one who wears an afro wig and a tiara while watching American Idol?

(Photo taken by Schnozz.)

Posted by torrie at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Last night I had a dream that we had a Dirty Dancing themed blogger convention.
It took place at the sleep away camp I went to when I was a kid.
We all stayed in the cabins.
I was teaching Heather how to Mambo ("Spaghetti arms!"), which makes no sense because I'm sure she's seen the movie Dirty Dancing at least 100 times and already has the dance moves down.
Mrs. Kennedy was there too. She had grown her hair to shoulder length and then shaved the underneath part.

I don't know why I'm telling everyone this- dreams are rarely interesting to anyone except the person who has them- but maybe it's because I'm secretly dreaming that there really could be a Dirty Dancing themed blogger convention.

Posted by torrie at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

It is never a good idea for a pregnant woman who's already tired from her recent trip, and didn't get enough sleep the night before, to stay up until 4:30 AM.

It's all her fault.

Posted by torrie at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I have much better posts than this one to write, but I am lazy. Instead, enjoy this poorly written post riddled with bad grammar.

So, without further ado, here is a list of things that have happened in the last week (in no particular order).

- My back has gotten increasingly bad. Walking used to be the only thing that made it feel better, and now that hurts too, so I'm basically screwed.

-We had our 20 week anatomy ultrasound. It was mostly awesome. Except for the part where the baby was breech and totally would not cooperate and they kept making me move from side to side, and then they made me walk around and eat ice cream, and after all that the baby was still breech. So, 4 different sonogram technicians poked and prodded my belly trying to measure various parts of the baby.
There was one part where the baby was kicking me, and I mean REALLY kicking me. Like get this fucking uterus off my feet/ kung foo fighting kicking me and even the sonogram technician whose job it is to look at babies in the womb ALL DAY was like "WHOA, that kid is really kicking you" and I'm thinking that when I can REALLY feel her kick (right now I only feel flutters) this is not going to be as cute.
After two hours, when we were on our fourth sonogram technician, the only thing left to do was take some measurements of the baby's profile. That was right about the time the baby decided to nuzzle her face into the placenta so we couldn't see a god damn thing. I fear that this baby is just like me.

- I was going to drive the animals to my mom's house by myself on Friday because we were going to be leaving for vacation at 5AM on Saturday, but the husband concluded that there was no way with my bad back that I was going to be able to load all the animals and their crap into the car by myself and then drive 4 hours (especially knowing that I was going to have to sit on a plane for six hours on Saturday). So, he made the executive decision that after the sonogram on Thursday he would drive to my mom's.
Because the sonogram took so long we didn't even get on the road until 6:45pm, so we didn't get home until 11:30 PM. The husband had to get up at 5 the next morning.
When we got back, the husband couldn't find his wallet anywhere. Which was just what we needed to be dealing with after such an emotionally exhausting day. We concluded that the only time he had taken his wallet out was when we stopped for gas (about an hour into our 4 +hour round trip). So, I spent 10 minutes on the phone with directory assistance trying to figure out the phone number of the gas station.
I finally got the number, and miraculously they had found the wallet.
However that meant that I was going to have to drive 2+ hours round trip on Friday to pick up the wallet which kind of defeated the purpose of the husband driving me the night before.
I was complaining about all of this to Heather over IM on Friday morning when she offered to drive me. Seriously. It's things like this that make me realize that I have hit the friend jackpot.
So, she drove me. And I picked up the wallet. And everything was still in it.

- We left for our vacation at 5AM on Saturday. At the security check at the airport I got pulled aside to be screened. The woman was wanding me and there wasn't even a beep and she said to me "why did he pull you aside?" and I said "I don't know, maybe because I'm pregnant" and so she asked him and sure enough he said he pulled me aside because he wanted to make sure I wasn't smuggling anything under my shirt. The woman, who was his superior, got really pissed and said "she's pregnant, you idiot".

-We used all of our frequent flier miles to fly first class because we figured it would be easier on my back. Boy, were we wrong. They didn't have any pillows, so I had to use 4 blankets to support my back. One of flight attendants was rude to me, there was hardly any leg room, and the food sucked.
So NOT worth it.

-We are in Utah. We're up in the mountains right above Salt Lake City. The husband is skiing while I sit around the lodge on my fat ass all day.

-Utah is BEAUTIFUL, but DRY. Really DRY.
I have never consumed so much water in my life.
Also, my nose is all dry and crusted, and bloody. I'm seriously considering shoving some of my moisturizer up there.

-Yesterday I leaked colostrum all over my husband's T-shirt.
I can't believe this is already happening. I thought that wouldn't happen until after I give birth.
I keep thinking if I'm leaking this much now, imagine how much I will leak once my milk actually comes in. I wonder what kind of trajectory these bad boys will have.

-Flickr has something against me and it won't let me upload any of my pictures from my laptop.

-People ski entirely too fast.

Posted by torrie at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

On Thursday night we went out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant with a couple of friends. One of my friends ordered what appeared to be a beautifully plated appetizer:

Then we realized that there were Pringles sticking out of it. Who would have thought potato chips would be considered garnish?

On Saturday a friend of ours gave us a present to celebrate the fact that we are having a girl. It seemed like an adorable little outfit, until we saw the tag:

Is it just me, or is that a really demented way to describe an outfit that an infant will be wearing?

I hope you all had as good a New Year's Eve as we did.

Posted by torrie at 12:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

So, there's this guy who lives in my building. He has a dog, so I see him quite often as us dog people tend to hang in packs.

He ALWAYS wears shorts.

Hot= shorts
Cold= shorts

Last night it was 37 degrees with an even colder wind chill. He was wearing a sweater, a jacket, a hat, and SHORTS.

I do not get this phenomenon.

Does it really take that much more effort to put on pants then it does to put on shorts?

"Man, I am tired. Thank god I only have to put my legs through this short piece of fabric!"

Is he claustrophobic, but only in the calf area?

"Oh my god! There's fabric touching my calves! Get it off! GET IT OFF!"

Do his muscular calves produce a huge amount of heat compared with the rest of his body?

"I feel like someone set my legs on fire from the knees down! Someone, get me some SHORTS!"

I. Don't. Get. It.

My husband went to college with a girl who ALWAYS wore flip flops or sandals. Even in the snow.

I see guys who walk around in the freezing cold without a jacket on because hey, jackets are so NOT cool.

I don't get these people. They'd rather be freezing than lose their cool factor by wearing jackets, or shoes, or *GASP* pants?

And the people who claim they are not cold- unless you are pregnant- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

Posted by torrie at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

-When your good camera lens breaks the week before Christmas, when you have a thousand picture related activities scheduled.

-When you are a back sleeper, and you can't sleep on your back anymore,

-When you order Chinese food and they forget to give you packets of duck sauce. I NEED the duck sauce.

-When you get your favorite organic orange juice from the ONE place that sells it, and you pour yourself a big glass, and it's rotten.

-When your hair can't decide if it wants to be curly or straight.

-My husband's work schedule. Working 30 hours IN A ROW is not cool.

-Dust.

-People who say "X-Mas" instead of "Christmas"

What's annoying you?

Posted by torrie at 01:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

Because my father is not doing well and I just keep thinking I hope he can make it until the baby is born.

Posted by torrie at 10:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Because I certainly don't know what the hell to call it.

Posted by torrie at 01:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Remember this?

Well, there were many phone calls back and forth between me and the gym. They couldn't find a class for me, so they decided to give me PRIVATE LESSONS for the same price I had paid for the group lessons.
I can not even tell you how awesome this is. I had my first lesson today and it was so great to have the instructor watching my every move, making sure my form was perfect.

It's about time something actually worked out for me.

On another note- I have been really spoiled by the unseasonably warm weather. Tomorrow the wind chill will be in the teens. I am going to spend my evening trying to teach Dexter to use the litter box, so I don't have to leave my apartment until it is warm again. Wish me luck.

Posted by torrie at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I don't know what CSS is.

I don't know HTML.

I've had the same mast head for over a year and as much as I love it, I'd love to change it up every once and a while, but I don't know how.

Hell, I don't even know how to change the colors on my blog, let alone create a new mast head. (I'm also horrible at Photoshop.)

Movable Type is like a foreign language that I just can't understand.

Also, every time I publish a new post it tells me there was an error.

I have a couple of people who I have asked MANY stupid, computer related questions, and they've been so patient, but to be honest I think they're sick of me.

So, is there anyone out there who speaks the mystifying languages of Movable Type and Photoshop who'd be willing to help me?

Please?!

Pretty Please?!

Have I mentioned that I used to be a pastry chef and I make the best cookies in the world?

Posted by torrie at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

-This one stood outside my bedroom door and screamed every thirty to sixty seconds for the entire two hours.

-This one used the kitty litter, which is in the bathroom located right outside my bedroom door, which consists of him scratching and kicking the shit out of the litter box for twenty minutes.

-The phone rang twice.

-The cell phone rang once.

-My husband's beeper which was in the guest room (next door to my bedroom) went off and than continued to beep every sixty seconds for the remainder of my "nap".

-This one licked his paws incessantly.

-The people who live next door came home and let their heavy, metal front door slam, so my whole apartment shook.

-My head exploded.

Posted by torrie at 05:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I don't ask much from you guys.

Tonight I am asking you to help my friend. She is sick and I need you to send some good vibes her way.

The internet can be an amazing place. I know it has helped me get through some very tough times.

I hope it (you) can help my friend.

Posted by torrie at 08:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last night I shaved off my husband's goatee.

This might not seem like a big deal to most of you, but we've been together for 9 1/2 years, and I've never actually seen his face.
We have talked many times over the years about shaving it off, but we never got around to actually doing it.
It was always "I can't believe we are living together and I've never actually seen your face" or "I can't believe we are engaged and I've never actually seen your face" or "I can't believe we are married and I've never actually seen your face".
You get the idea.
So I guess now that I'm carrying this man's baby, I wanted to make sure he wasn't hiding anything from me under that wiry mass of hair.
So, last night we bit the bullet.
To say I was freaked out would be an understatement.

Here is the before:

Here it is after I shaved off the bottom part so that he could have a porn star mustache for a few minutes:

This was the point where I started to get REALLY freaked out.

This is pretty much how my face looked for the rest of the shaving:

Quite possibly the best picture ever taken of me.

This is about a fifth of the hair that came off his face:

Here is the after picture in which the husband looks stoned because his family has some weird genetic mutation which makes it virtually impossible for them to keep their eyes open for pictures:

Here is a closeup:

He's going to close shave it today (I just used the electric clipper last night) so we can get the full effect.
Then, he's immediately going to start the process of growing it back so that I stop rocking back and forth and mumbling to myself.

Posted by torrie at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (22)

...and said "ouch".

If you know a joke better than THAT, then I'd love to hear it.

Posted by torrie at 09:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

We went out with friends on Friday night.
While we waited for our table at Serendipity, we walked down the street to Dylan's Candy Bar.
One of my friends decided to have some sourpatch kids.
I watched in horror as he haphazardly popped two or three in his mouth at a time.
I explained to him that there was a right way to eat sourpatch kids- that you must savor them.
He argued that there are "different" ways of doing things. That people have different "opinions".
And then in a feable attempt to prove me wrong, he shoved all of his remaining sourpatch kids in his mouth.

Dammit people!- there is a right and a wrong way to do things, and that's just WRONG.
I'm still twitching.

Posted by torrie at 09:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

No, I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I am in Pennsylvania. My mom decided that while driving to work on Saturday it would be a good idea to pass out and drive off the road. She's fine, but she's been in the hospital (and I've been here with her) since then. They have run a million tests. I am tired. She's coming home today, and I'm probably going home tomorrow and then I can resume my normal routine of wasting hours in front of the computer.

Posted by torrie at 09:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

So, yesterday I was on the phone with Duchess. I walked in to my bedroom to start packing for my trip and there was a LARGE explosion that shook my building I looked out the window and saw a huge fireball and realized immediately that a plane had hit the building across the street from me. I watched in horror for a second as windows blew out and burnt pieces of paper started flying through the air.
I proceeded to freak out. I must say I am quite disappointed in my reaction. I basically hung up on poor Duchess and started to hysterically cry. (I called her back about ten minutes later to explain what was going on, but still- can you imagine being on the phone with your friend and all of a sudden they freak out and say "A PLANE JUST HIT THE BUILDING ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME! I HAVE TO GO!"?)
I dialed 911 several times with shakey hands but I couldn't get through.
I was watching the building. Watching the smoke get worse. And it occurred to me that I should stop watching in case people started jumping.
Then the phone started ringing. Both my home phone and my cell phone rang all day. I must say my friends could not be more awesome. They called and emailed all day to check on me. Some even called several times. They knew I was alone yesterday (The husband was on call last night). They knew what it must have been like for me to see a plane fly into a building. They didn't judge me or say I was over-reacting when they called and I was sobbing. And they kept calling me until 10pm last night. They offered up their offices and apartments. I love them all.
It didn't occur to me to leave until the smoke started to get very think and black and I could smell the fumes. Being pregnant put a whole new spin on the situation. I took a 2 minute shower to wash of all of the nervous sweat. Then I went down to the 16th floor to my friends' apartment (I live on the 32nd floor). By this time the smoke had calmed down so I went across the street to the hospital just so I could give my husband a hug.
Once I found out it was an accident I felt 100 times better. I can't say I didn't have bad dreams last night, but I'm feeling much better today.

In a few hours I leave for my trip to Chicago and Indianapolis.

Along the way I will meet up with Bucky, Jessica Rabbit, Nick, Melissa, and Schnozz.
It's going to be a blogger festival!

Thanks to the new laptop I should be able to check in from time to time.

Posted by torrie at 09:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (20)

1) I'm leaving for Chicago on Thursday. The husband has a conference, so I'm tagging along.
If you've ever been to chicago I'd love some suggestions on places to go, things to see, and restaurants (keeping in mind that we are vegetarians).

2) We have our next sonogram this afternoon. Last time all of your good vibes seemed to work, so please send some more this way.

Posted by torrie at 09:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Thanks to my mother-in-law and my husband's work allowance.

It will be used mostly for the research my husband will be doing, but I will cherish what little time I have with it.

Posted by torrie at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

So, um, apparently I'm a photographer now. I thought it was pretty cool when a couple of my pictures were featured in the Style Section of The New York Times, the German magazine Max, and several websites, but then I was chosen to be a part of Nikon's new national ad campaign for their new camera, the D80:

I can not even begin to describe what an honor this is.

Starting tomorrow (October 4th) one of my photographs will also be featured on their website. * I just found out that it might be a couple of more days before my picture is on the website.

I've also been doing some head shot/portrait type stuff, including pictures for Heather.

It is so wonderful to be recognized for something that you are so passionate about.

*Update- If you are interested in seeing the ad in person, here is a list of the magazines it is running in:

Shutterbug
Outdoor Photographer
Pc Photo
Popular Photography
Demystifiying Digital
Popular Science
PC World
MacWorld
Family Fun
Parents
T&L Family
National Geographic
National Geographic Adventurer
National Geographic Traveler
Outside
Travel & Leisure
Newsweek
Time
US News & World Report
People

Posted by torrie at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

I was woken up at 5AM this morning by someone down on the street using a jackhammer.

5AM. This MORNING. Jackhammer.

I live on the 32nd floor. I can only imagine what it was like for the people who live on all of the floors below me.

Posted by torrie at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

-A protein shake made with an organic banana, organic vanilla yogurt, organic rice milk, organic flax seed oil, and protein powder
-Two bowls of organic whole wheat cereal with rice milk
-Organic baked wheat and flaxseed crackers
-Two slices of organic American cheese
-Organic vegetable broth with organic veggie alphabet noodles
-Two organic apples
-Baked snap pea crisps
-An organic strawberry breakfast bar
-Organic cashews
-Brown rice pilaf with organic vegetable lentil soup on top
-Half a thin crust cheese pizza
-Several glasses of organic OJ
-Organic hot chocolate

Finally, I broke down last night and I had a Three Muketeer's bar. Believe it or not THAT is what the demon spawn wanted. I actually went to bed last night without feeling hungry.
Here I am trying to eat healthy, organic stuff, and the only thing that satisfied me was something with artificial flavors and colors. Go figure.

Posted by torrie at 09:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

So, I'm hungry.

REALLY hungry.

I know you think you understand, but you don't.

I have never been this hungry in my life. It's a different kind of hunger. It's not the type that you can ignore. It demands attention. Like, NOW. And I go from being not hungry, to if I don't eat now I'm going to chew my own arm off, in 60 seconds flat.

I feel like my body is being held hostage.
"Just give us what we want and nobody gets hurt"
"But I don't have any Three Musketeer bars"
"Well, you better find a way to get some OR EVERYBODY DIES!"

My favorite part is when I'm eating something, actually shoveling food into my mouth,and I'm still ravenous.
It's like my brain doesn't realize that I'm eating.

I'm almost never satisfied and even when I am, I'm hungry again an hour later.

I'm just going to say this out loud with the hope that if I do, it can't possibly be true:

I better not be having twins.

Posted by torrie at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Check it out.

I can't decide which one is my favorite, but I'm leaning towards the naked indian humping a corn dog.

(Make sure you click on the links for part 2, 3, and 4 too.)

Posted by torrie at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Highlights of my vacation:

-Relaxing
-A FANTASTIC massage followed by a dip in a mineral bath
-Brie and Pear soup
-Getting pooped on by a baby hairless rat
-Watching the mommy hairless rat pee all over my husband
-Having the massage therapist tell me I was very muscular. Who, me?
-Going on a two hour hike up a mountain to the top of a tower where on a clear day you can see six states
-Going on a ten mile bike ride (something I thought I'd never be able to do)
-Having afternoon tea and cookies while sitting on a porch, in a rocking chair, overlooking a lake
-Seeing TWO baby bears
-Playing with an opossum
-Role reversal- the husband was trying to have sex with me while the Mets game was on- I said "Can you just wait until this inning is over?"
-Getting licked by a deer
-Watching Itsy try to have sex with a catnip cigar
-Snuggling in bed with Dexter and my husband
-Organic banana buttermilk pancakes
-Finding the perfect brown, non-leather purse- for 7 dollars!
-Listening to Dane Cook in the car
-Standing in an Alpaca pen
-Sitting in a book store with my mom and my husband, reading magazines, and sipping tea
-Holding a pygmy hedgehog
-NATURE

Pictures coming soon.

Posted by torrie at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The husband and I are leaving today for a week's vacation.

We'll be spending a few days at my mom's in the Poconos, and a few days here.

I probably won't be posting much while I'm gone, if at all.
I might post some pictures on Flickr.

Have a great week!

Posted by torrie at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I don't know how you people find the time to work AND blog.

I'm so busy with several different projects, and I can't seem to find the time to write a decent blog entry.

How do you do it?

Posted by torrie at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Happy now???

Posted by torrie at 10:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

If you don't read Sarah Brown's blog you are missing out on some of the most clever writing on the internet.

She's also the creator of bershon.

Posted by torrie at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

This morning, I spent five minutes walking around my apartment looking for my keys.

They were in my hand.

Posted by torrie at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

Of all of the wonderful memories I'll have of my thirtieth birthday, perhaps my favorite was when Dexter, who we have had for six years and who hasn't peed in the house since two days after we adopted him, decided to squat and pee on our carpet in front of our twenty birthday party guests.

Posted by torrie at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Today is my last day in my twenties.

In my twenties I have:

- Met, fell in love with, and married my husband.
- Graduated from culinary school, worked my way up to executive pastry chef, and won a gold medal at a culinary competition
- Had three surgeries, including a career ending shoulder surgery.
- Adopted Dexter, Mookie, and Itsy.
- Lost my beloved Grandmother.
- Had two of my photographs published in The New York Times.
- Made many great friends.
- Left my comfort zone and moved to a new city.
- Been pregnant twice and lost both pregnancies.
- Found out my father has terminal cancer.
- Started eating better.
- Gained 27 pounds.
- Lost 8 of those pounds.
- Discovered and fell in love with the internet.
- Read too many books to count.
- Had LOTS of sex.
- Learned a lot about myself.
- Stopped letting people walk all over me.
- Became a brunette.
- Almost come to terms with my nose.
- Learned a lot about myself.

It's funny; I use to think I needed to accomplish everything by the time I turned 30. Now that 30 is here, in some ways, I feel like my life is just beginning.

I'm excited to see what's in store for my thirties.

Posted by torrie at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

I'm supposed to get my period on Thursday- AKA, my 30th birthday.

Posted by torrie at 03:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

An update on this post about my hair.

I finally made a decision about my hair. It was about time considering the ends of my hair had turned blonde and the roots were brown. It was NOT a flattering look.
Also, I switched hairdressers. My old hairdresser was all right, but both times I lost the pregnancies I had seen him the day before. Call me superstitious, but it was time for a change.

I decided I wanted a layered cut and to dye it brown.

Here is the result:

Please excuse the lack of make up and the luggage I'm packin' under my eyes.

*update* Here's what it looks like when I let it dry naturally (In the picture above it had been blown staright.)

Posted by torrie at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Go see Little Miss Sunshine right now!

It is that good.

Posted by torrie at 11:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So, on Saturday the husband was playing a show for World Peace Day/Hiroshima Remembrance Day. It was at a big, beautiful church in New York City. There were many religious leaders and performers there. I was supposed to sing with the husband, so along with all of the other performers, I was sitting on stage. Actually, it was more like the altar. The performers were on one side of the altar and the religious leaders sat on the other side.
Sitting directly across from us was a monk who looked like Odd Job. He never cracked a smile once during the two-hour performance.

*Side note- The husband was supposed to perform three songs. I was supposed to sing on the last one. They cut him off after two songs because the show was running long, so I didn't end up singing. But, I didn't mind because I got to see Josh White Junior perform.

Anyway, so the husband and I are sitting up there, and it's kind of a somber event, when all of a sudden someone's cell phone goes off. I'm thinking to myself "what a dick" when I notice that the monk sitting across from me is fumbling under his robe. It was the monk's cell phone. I shit you not.

Even monks have cell phones???

What's next? Bushmen with Tivo?

Posted by torrie at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Only my husband and I would blow up a condom and play condom volley ball.

Posted by torrie at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I went to this last night.
Afterwards I had drinks with a few lovely people.
I almost NEVER have a drink in a bar in Manhattan. It is soooo overpriced, Last night was no exception.
One Cosmo= $14.00
One Beer= $8.00

No dinner+ two Cosmos+one Malibu with pineapple juice= DRUNK TORRIE.

My wallet might be empty, but I had a great time with some great people, so it was worth it.

Posted by torrie at 02:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

OK, let's say that you work from home- You pour a bowl of cereal and the phone rings, and it's an important business call that you have to take-

What do you do? Do you take the call and say "I hope you don't mind if I eat lunch while we talk" or do you let the cereal get soggy, throw it out, and pour a new one when you're done with your conversation?

And because I like to make life difficult- What if you used the last of the milk for the first bowl? Does that change your opinion?

Posted by torrie at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

The summer I turned fourteen was a turbulent time.
My mother was divorcing my stepfather. He had started to get a little wacky- showering with his undershirt on for example- and it was the straw that broke the camel's back of an already strained marriage.
So, we left our three bedroom, doorman apartment on Manhattan's Upper East Side for Queens and a small one bedroom apartment.
Queens was right over the bridge from Manhattan, but a world apart.
Not only was I going through puberty (I got my period for the first time that summer), which is awkward enough on its own, but I went from an all girls private school to a public junior high school where most of the students had known each other since kindergarten.
I was a foreigner invading their territory. I had taken French (they didn't even OFFER French at this school- just Spanish), I didn't wear Champion sweatshirts, and I didn't know what Z Cavariccis were.
I was lost.

We rented our apartment from a 40- something Greek couple. We lived on the first floor, they lived on the second floor.
They had a daughter who was a year older than me. Her name was Veronika. She was the complete opposite of me. Tall (I didn't even reach five feet until I was fourteen), she had long dark hair (mine was blonde), and she had boobs (I was flat chested until I was 18). I was fascinated with her.
She went to Catholic school (I was a Jew). She rolled her school uniform skirt up as high as it would go (I had NO style and wore acid washed jeans and Keds). She was everything I wasn't, and I worshiped her for it.

We became fast friends.

Veronika was the stereotypical Catholic school girl.
She lied to her very strict Greek parents, she smoked cigarettes, and there's no better way to say this- she was a slut.
She was a skirt rolling, hair flipping, giggling, master. And all of the (men and) boys joined me in my worship.

One of my favorite stories that sums up her slutiness is this-
Veronika's parents wanted her to get an after school job.
She worked in a local bagel shop owned by a man 20 years older than her.
She started having an affair with him.
One day when she got home after a long day of "work", the kind of work that she could have used kneepads for, her mother asked her what the white stuff on her shirt was.
I froze in terror. I thought I was about to witness Veronika's mother's discovery that her little girl was blowing the much older Bagel King. Instead, without missing a beat Veronika said "It's cream cheese, mom".
I was stunned by her ability to lie to her parents' faces, something I could never do. I was a good girl. I never lied to my mother, not for fear of consequences, but for fear of losing my mother's trust. I would lose sleep and get a stomach ache if I thought I might be disappointing my mother.
I also had never done more than kiss a boy. I was afraid of the penis (what if it didn't like me?). Veronika was in a completely different league than me.
I secretly envied her lack of morals.

I spent almost all of my free time that year hanging out with Veronika. I was the Robin to her Batman. It was an unusual role for me, I was usually the leader, but I was desperate to make friends and fit it even if it meant playing the supporting role.

Veronika was never a good friend, but that didn't matter to me- my Manhattan friends had started to drift away from me (they couldn't be seen with someone who lived in Queens!), and almost everyone at school hated me. So, I happily stood on the sidelines and watched Veronika, smoke, drink, sneak out of the house, and fool around with any man she could get her hands on.

I think it is a testament to my mother's amazing parenting skills that she never told me I couldn't hang out with Veronika. She thought that if she did, it would only make me want to spend more time with her. My mother was right. I was a good kid, but I was still a teenager. So, my mother kept her mouth shut, and when Veronika would get into trouble my mother would help her out. Veronika's father was abusive, and my mother's father had been abusive, so she felt sorry for her.

So, without any opposition on the home front I continued to follow Veronika around like a dutiful puppy dog. And she gave me nothing in return. She repeatedly took advantage of me and our friendship. I let her.

The summer that I turned 16 our financial situation improved and my mother and I moved to a big three bedroom apartment.

I had made a new group of friends who were honest and trustworthy. They were good people. But, I tried to continue my friendship with Veronika. I was really bad at breaking ties with someone, and I guess I was waiting for a return on all of the time and energy I had invested in our friendship.

One night, shortly after I moved to the new apartment, Veronika invited me to go out with her, her brother (who was a year younger than me), and some of her "friends". She wanted to go to a club in Astoria, Queens. Astoria was in the same borough that I lived in, but it was a foreign land to me.
The club Veronika brought me to had a sign on the front door "MUST BE 25 YEARS OLD TO ENTER". I thought she was crazy. I looked like I was twelve. I had been to some dance clubs where you had to be 18 to get in, but this was another story. How the hell were we going to get in? But Veronika, wearing a low cut top, did some expert giggling and hair flipping at the guy manning the front door, and the next thing I knew, I was inside.
The moment I stepped inside I felt uncomfortable. There were sleazy older men everywhere, looking at me like I was a piece of fresh meat. My skin was crawling and I was itching to get out of there. I begged Veronika to leave, but knew she wouldn't leave until SHE wanted to leave. Finally, after about 45 of the most uncomfortable minutes of my life, Veronika decided we should leave because they didn't have any dancing.
We stepped outside, but unfortunately my discomfort didn't improve much- It was late, I was in a strange place, and the streets were pretty empty. We started walking. Veronika's brother and a few of her friends were drunk. A car passed us and the occupants shouted lewd remarks at us. The couple of years I had spent in Queens taught me that the people in the car were more than likely gang members, to keep my mouth shut, and keep walking.
Apparently Veronika's brother, even though he grew up in Queens, thought it would be a good idea to stand in the middle of the street, raise his arms in the air, and curse at the guys in the car.
With in the blink of an eye the car had backed down the street towards us, the car doors flew open, and the guys threw Veronika's brother up against a wall and put a gun to his head.

I don't know what happened next, because a cab was driving down the street, and I hopped in and never looked back.

I never spoke to Veronika again. The gun was the last straw. I didn't care anymore how cool she was or how un-cool I was. She had put me in dangerous and uncomfortable situations too many times.

I don't regret the time I spent with her. It taught me to want more out of my friendships.

I still think about Veronika sometimes. Wonder where she is or what she's doing with her life. Did she go to college? Is she married? Does she have kids?
I also wonder what would have happened if that cab hadn't been driving down that street at that moment.

It's funny how you can care so much about someone who never cared about you.

Posted by torrie at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

So busy.
Which is a good thing.
I'm (for once) not complaining.

Had a great fun filled weekend that included a concert, going to the gym both days, and a very relaxing night on a roof deck, drinking margaritas and having good conversation.

I've also been very busy with Veggie Pregnancy. It was mentioned in a newsletter that goes out to more than 10,000 people, so I had to make sure it was updated.

AND, tomorrow I have a meeting about a photography project that I've been asked to be a part of. I'm REALLY excited about it. I'll find out tomorrow if I'm actually allowed to divulge any information.

On Friday I'm shooting some headshots for someone, and them I'm spending the weekend at my mom's house.

Like I said- BUSY.

But this time it's in a good way.

Posted by torrie at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I haven't written a real post since June 26th, and even that was just a modge-podge of different thoughts strung together with no rhyme or reason.
If I actually considered myself a writer, I would say I have writer's block.

I need your help.

What should I write about?

Have any questions you'd like to ask me? Anything you're curious about?

Almost no topic is off limits.

Posted by torrie at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (22)

In exactly 1 month I will turn 30.

Any advice on things I should do/accomplish before the big 3-0?
(If you suggest something I've already done I'll let you know in the comment section.)

Posted by torrie at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

Trying to clean your entire apartment and pack for your trip when you can't move your legs because your trainer kicked your ass with squats yesterday.

Posted by torrie at 02:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My plan was foiled, but still funny nonetheless.

*Read the post from July 5th.

Posted by torrie at 06:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The Mets game last night was so bad that it physically made me sick.

I even had baseball related nightmares.

On a brighter note-
I have my first of three personal training sessions today.
I refuse to start trying to have a baby again until I get in shape/loose some weight.

I saw The Devil Wears Prada yesterday. It was cute, but it's the kind of movie that you can wait to see on video.

We are going away this weekend because my husband has a concert in the Berkshires (in addition to being a doctor, he's also a musician).
The following FIVE weekends he's on call, then the third and fourth weekend in August we have plans (for my 30th birthday). THEN, the summer is OVER.
This SUCKS.

Oh, and last but not least- WATERMELON IS AWESOME.

(I'm sure right now you're asking yourself "why in the name of all that is holy, do I read this blog?" I don't have an answer for you because I don't quite get why you read this blog either.)

Posted by torrie at 09:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Today is our three year wedding anniversary.

When the rest of my life is a mess, at least I know I got one thing right.

Posted by torrie at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (22)

I am the #1 search result for "I hate underwear" on Google.

Posted by torrie at 05:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I'm feeling better.

Much better (well, mentally anyway).

I am trying hard to enjoy life and take part in things that will give me a sense of pride.

I am going to take a photography course in the Fall (my mother's birthday present to me).
I am looking into getting my real estate license( something I've always been interested in).
I will go back to focusing on my website (I understandably needed a break).

I am spending time with my friends and laughing a lot.

I am getting things done around the house.

I have realized that if I clean for five minutes here or ten minutes there, it doesn't become so overwhelming.

I am trying to take advantage of this great city I live in.
On Friday we went to a party at Benjamin Wagner's place and met some really great people, yesterday we saw the documentary Wordplay(I loved it), on Wednesday (the husband is off) we will go to the Darwin exhibit, and on Saturday our fellow nerd friends will come over for game night.

I vow to spend more time in Central Park. I vow to venture out of my neighborhood more often. I vow to take walks after dinner with the husband.

I vow that when I am sitting on the couch watching crappy TV, I will sort through all of the papers and magazines in my apartment and get rid of the CLUTTER.

The thing I've learned about myself in the past month is that I'm constantly complaining that I don't feel relaxed, but sitting on the couch doing nothing isn't what relaxes me; feeling fulfilled and like I've accomplished something is.

It's really the little things in life that I find joy in.

The perfect cup of tea.
Snuggling with the husband.
Watching the animals play.
Completing a project.
Reading a great book.
Taking a great picture.
Meeting new and interesting people.
Etc. etc.

I'm working on taking time for the little things.

Posted by torrie at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Internet I have a VERY important and life changing decision that I need your help with:

Should I stay brunette or go back to blonde?

I was a blonde for 27 years and then I started dyeing my hair brown

It was fun, but to be honest, I don't really feel like myself.
I was always "Torrie with the long blonde hair".

So, here are some examples of the blonde me:
(It's kind of hard to get the full effect on these small pictures, so click on them to view the larger size.

There are a couple of more examples on Flickr.

And here a few examples of the brunette me:

Other options:

Blue

Black

So, please tell me what you think looks better. Try not to make your judgement based on the qaulity of the photos.

Posted by torrie at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (49)

I am jealous.

I've spent the last two weekends with the kind of people who can "do it all".
I want desperately to be one of those people.

Last Saturday I ran into Benjamin Wagner. Benjamin is the executive producer of MTVNews.com. He also is a very acomplished singer/song writer who has released 10 albums and regularly performs. In his "spare time" he runs (including the NYC marathon), blogs, is an avid photographer, and (Benjamin, correct me if I'm wrong) paints. He is also currently working on a documentary about Mister Rogers.

After running into Benjamin, who has more energy in his pinkie than I have in my whole body, I drove to New Jersey to visit my oldest friend.
Durng the day she works for the New Jersey DEP. Her weekly schedule is as such:
Monday night- Drawing class
Tuesday night- Climbing
Wednesday night- Ultimate frisbee (she's on a team)
Thursday night- Free (although she very often schedules meetings for this night)
Friday night- Climbing
On the weekends and some weekday mornings she goes running.
In her "spare time" she knits, grows a hydroponic garden, and is planning her wedding.

This weekend was my cousin's baby shower. She's 37 weeks pregnant. I made the cake and the cookies, which of course, overwhelmed me.
Monday-Friday she teaches dance at a public school. Two nights a week and Saturday she teaches dance at a private dance school.
On Friday night they had their recital. My cousin, in all of her pregnant glory, danced in several numbers.
Her due date is July 2nd. She is teaching at the public school until June 28th.

My point is-I don't have a nine-five job. I don't exercise on a regular basis. I don't take any classes. And yet, I still get overwhelmed.

Instead of taking things step by step, I just completely shut down and do NOTHING.

Why can't I be more like these people?
Why can't I handle more on my plate?

Do you think it's a personality trait that will never change, or something you can work on and learn?

Posted by torrie at 01:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

1) Bagels are my favorite food.
2) I am a carbohydrate junkie
3) My husband is two years younger than me. Before I met him I had only dated older men (boys).
4) I am a strict vegetarian. It's like a religion to me.
5) I hate organized religion.
6) I've never thrown up from drinking.
7) I hated high school.
8) I don't wear bras.
9) My favorite books are To Kill a Mocking Bird and The Catcher in the Rye. I've read both of them several times.
10) I love to read.
11) I went to culinary school.
12) I used to be a pastry chef.
13) I've also been a nanny.
14) I can sing, or so I've been told.
15) I love to dance. I've got rythm.
16) In high school I majored in dance, but had to stop because of an injury.
17) The only bone I've ever broken is my pinkie. (Knock on wood)
18) My father offered to pay for me to get a nose job. I refused just to spite him, and now sometimes I regret it.
19) I've never stayed over night in a hospital.
20) I predicted the big earth quake that hit California in the late 80's.
21) I have watched the movie Dirty Dancing too many times to count.
22) I had my first boyfriend when I was nine, but didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen.
23) I've been pregnant twice, but I don't have any children.
24) I have three cats and one dog.
25) I will not pee in front of anyone. Not even my mother.
26) I grew up in Manhattan.
27) I went to sleep away camp in the Poconos.
28) I love when it rains. I especially love thunderstorms.
29) I have a mild case of OCD. Paintings can't be crooked, things have to be eaten in a certain way, etc.
30) I was in a pageant when I was 12. I won.
31) I am a pack rat.
32) I bruise easily.
33) I have straight pubic hair. The hair on my head is wavy. This makes no sense.
34) I like to write to do lists so I can cross things off.
35) I HATE onions. They are evil.
36) I have a BAD back.
37) I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
38) I have been blogging since August, 2003.
39) I have 42 pairs of shoes. None of them are leather.
40) I am broke.
41) I hate doing the dishes.
42) David Copperfield made me disappear.
43) Jon Bon Jovi laughed at me.
44) I've had sex with two different people in one day.
45) I have a tattoo.
46) My husband has a tongue ring. I *love* it.
47) I was a camp counselor.
48) I once told Scott Hamilton to "Get out on the ice and do a couple of back flips!"
49) Two of my photos were published in the New York Times.
50) I love to learn.
51) I am allergic to cats and dogs.
52) I HATE the cold.
53) I used to be a gymnast
54) I can't watch other people fold clothes because THEY DO IT WRONG.
55) I lived in Boston for five years. It wasn't New York.
56) I have fifty billion medical problems.
57) I like to exaggerate.
58) If you tickle me I will black out and hurt you. I'm dead serious.
59) My wedding was vegetarian. The food was so good, half of the guests didn't even realize it.
60) I had the best wedding EVER.
61) Some of my favorite movies are American Beauty, Garden State, 40 Year Old Virgin, Office Space, Coming to America, and Forrest Gump. I'm sure I'm forgetting a bunch more.
62) Some of my favorite bands/artists are Coldplay, Cake, Indigo Girls, The Beatles, Eminem, Sublime, Billy Joel, Fiona Apple, Miles Davis, Paul Simon, and Radiohead. I am not ashamed.
63) Billy Joel once told me he was too drunk to remember me interrupting his meal.
64) I was flat chested until I was about 19. Now I'm a 36C.
65) I HATE coffee.
66) I LOVE tea.
67) I hate underwear. I wear them reluctantly and am constantly digging them out of my cavernous ass.
68) I hate whistling. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
69) My father-in-law whistles ALL THE TIME.
70) I have seven nephews and three nieces.
71) I think I'm the only person on the planet who hates the TV show Law and Order.
72) I moved out of the house when I was 19.
73) If I could wish for one secret power it would be to never have to shave my legs again.
74) I am allergic to artichokes.
75) I've never been anywhere in the middle of the country. The closest I've been to the middle is Ohio or Utah.
76) I'm a good driver. I drive like a man.
78) I desperately want to go to England. I don't know why.
79) I used to have waist length blonde hair.
80) I don't chew gum.
81) I don't drink soda.
82) I don't like sex toys. That's how I roll.
83) Sometimes I like to talk like I'm from the hood. WORD.
84) Thanks to blogging, I have friends that live in states and countries I've never been to.
85) My favorite color is blue.
86) I have two half sisters and a half brother.
87) I can't say the word *fart*. It makes me cringe. The fact that I was even able to type it is a miracle.
88) I've had many crushes, but I've only been in love once.
89) I am not good at styling my hair, or anyone else's hair for that matter.
90) I wear SPF on my face every day, even in the winter.
91) I haven't "tanned" since I was 18. I look pale, but I actually have my dad's Sicilain skin and I can get quite dark.
92) Chocolate is my drug of choice.
93) I love book stores. I could spend all day in a book store.
94) I didn't learn how to tie my shoe laces until I was six, and I couldn't ride a bike without training wheels until I was almost ten.
95) I watch entirely too much television.
96) My husband is a genius. Literally. It's like living with a human encyclopedia and dictionary all rolled into one.
97) I got braces my senior year in high school. It sucked.
98) I can't eat spicy food. This is very difficult considering I'm a vegetarian.
99) I try to avoid the topic of politics because I just get upset and frustrated.
100) Writing this list was not easy.

Did you learn anything new about me?

Posted by torrie at 12:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

I saw Mission Impossible III, and I loved it.

I feel so dirty.

Posted by torrie at 11:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

...with a vengeance!

Update and pictures coming soon.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUCKY!

Posted by torrie at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I'm leaving for my trip today. We're spending two nights at my Mom's house in the Poconos, four nights in Montreal, two nights in New Hampshire, and one night in Boston.
I don't know if I'll have internet access after Monday. If not, I will be walking the streets of Montreal, twitching.
If you've emailed me and I haven't gotten back to you, I apologize- I have 30 emails sitting in my inbox- I've been feeling overwhelmed, and they're going to have to wait until I get back.

Please enjoy this picture of Mookie in my absence and talk amongst yourselves.

Posted by torrie at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Due to recent stressful events in our lives, my mother-in-law is sending the husband and I on vacation. We are leaving for Montreal on Saturday.

If anyone has ever been to Montreal, I would love some suggestion of where to go and what to do.

Posted by torrie at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Posted by torrie at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

If you pray long enough and hard enough, your dreams can come true.

Mine has.

What TV shows would you like to see made into a movie?

Posted by torrie at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

One of the flowers that woman let her dog pee on.

There is an ANT in my apartment.

I live on the thirty-second floor.

That is one resourceful ant.

Posted by torrie at 09:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

As anyone who's been reading this blog knows, I was born and raised in Manhattan.

I never spent any time in the south, unless you count my visits as a child to southern Florida to visit my grandmother.
I don't think that counts though, because most of the people in southern Florida are from New York anyway.

My point is this: I grew up in a place where image and attention to detail is everything.

Eight years ago my father moved from Queens, New York to a very small town in Coastal North Carolina. When I say small town, I mean SMALL TOWN. Two hours from the nearest highway ,small.
When he first moved there, the town had ONE traffic light. Now there's three! Woohoo!

I have visited my father in North Carolina a handful of times, including a few months before I moved back to Manhattan (from Boston), almost two years ago. It is like a different planet to me. Animals are treated like property, they don't serve bagels with breakfast, there isn't an organic section in the supermarket, I could go on and on, but my point is- it's DIFFERENT.
This particular trip, my father was having spinal surgery, and the husband had just finished medical school, so we decided to load the animals into the car and drive FIFTEEN hours to my dad's house.
That's FIFTEEN. 1-5.

Some couples spend FIFTEEN hours in a car together and they want to kill, or at the very least dismemeber each other. Not us. We had a great time. In addition to the dozens of pork stores and mullets we saw, we also noticed some other interesting phenomenon.
We literally started writing down all of the funny shit we saw. This weekend, while cleaning out my closet, I found the notes we took. hence, the inspiration for this post.

The fist thing we noticed was the south has some interesting street signs. Here are a select few:

"Backlick Road"

"Blueball Road"

"Street Road" (Redundant Road?)

We saw a car dealer who was selling "Cheverelets" (sic.)

We saw the Sanitary Restaurant. Because nothing says "Mmmmmmmm, delicious!" like the word "sanitary".

We went to the local hardware store and we saw two signs that peaked our interest:

One said "Yale Sale".
I'm assuming that unless they were selling a large amount of college memorabilia they meant "Yard Sale".

The other sign was someone selling a boat. They kindly included the measurements in "Lenth" and "Witch" (Length and Width).

And finally, on our way home, we passed a turkey ON THE HIGHWAY. Just walking along the shoulder by the median like he was in a hurry to get somewhere.

Maybe he was heading north.

Posted by torrie at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

My father said to me this morning "I want you to watch this movie. I Tivoed it for you."

The movie he wanted me to see?

The Yearling.

Me. The Yearling.

Yeah, I don't think so.

We're talking about me, the chick who started HYSTERICALLY sobbing in the middle of a movie theater when I saw the preview for this movie.
(In my own defense, I was pregnant, but I didn't know it yet.)

Does he really think I could watch The Yearling without falling onto the floor into a puddle of my own tears?

My father, apparently, has no idea what an emotional wreck I am.

I think he's the only one.

*I'm turning on comment authentication. I've been having a lot of problems with spam.*

Posted by torrie at 02:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Mookie is home. He's very tired, but he's going to be fine.

Thank you for all the well wishes.

Lots of the usual crazy shit has been going on.

I'm too tired to write anything else.

Have a great weekend!

Posted by torrie at 06:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I was thinking today, after talking to one of my internet friends on the phone, that I have really met some great people through blogging.
Some I talk to on Instant Message all the time (when they're actually in town), some I have spoken to on the phone, some I have met in person, and some I email with on a regular basis and are a constant source of support.
I really feel like I have made some true friends through blogging.

So, Internet, tell me about the relationships you've made, and the people you've met through blogging.

Posted by torrie at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

I am on the second day of a detox/cleanse where I do nothing but eat fruits and vegetables.
I'm doing it to try to rid my body of the approximately 10 pounds of chocolate I have consumed since losing the baby, thanks in part to Misfit, who sent me AMAZING brownies.

The flash on my camera is broken and I will have to part with it for at least a week, if not two, while it's being repaired.
I will twitch the entire time.

And now, another fun medical story:
When my husband checked on a patient who had been given a spinal (which makes you numb from the waist down) the patient said "Doc, I can't feel my dick".
To which my husband replied "Don't worry, it's still there."
I can not even tell you how amused I was when he told me that. I have no idea how the husband kept a straight face.
He is a stronger man than I.

Posted by torrie at 02:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My mother stayed with us this weekend.

We drank tea, watched the Gilmore Girls, and she braided my hair.

I'm feeling much better now.

Posted by torrie at 11:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Last night I had a great time with Sherri and her friends celebrating her 30th birthday.
Sherri's birthday was so rocking that even Horatio Sans showed up. Make sure you check out Sherri's Flickr page to see all the pictures. I'm sure she'll post them after she gets over her hangover.
If you're debating whether or not you should meet someone you've met online, you should.
I've made some really great friends.

Today I have an OB appointment and another sonogram. Maybe this time it will actually look like I'm carrying a baby.

After my appointment we are driving to Hunter Mountain for a ski trip (on which I won't be skiing). There is a blizzard watch. We might get stuck there.
Keep your fingers crossed for us.

Posted by torrie at 09:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I don't usually do memes, but Greenie called me hot, so, well, how could I refuse?

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Pastry Chef
Nanny
Gymnastics teacher
Dog groomer

Four Movies you could watch over and over:
Office Space (This is a FUCK!)
Dirty Dancing (Nobody puts Baby in the corner)
Forrest Gump (Run Forrest! RUN!)
Clerks (Try not to suck any dicks on your way out of the parking lot!)

Four Places I have Lived:
New York, NY
Dix Hills, NY
Whitestone, NY
Needham, MA

Four TV Shows I like to watch:
Listing just four is VERY hard for me. These are just the first four that popped into my head.
Friends
Jeopardy!
Scrubs
Best Week Ever

Four Places I have been on vacation:
Paris, France (eh)
San Francisco, California (loved it)
Florida (yuck)
Sonoma, California (liked it even though I don't drink wine)

Four Websites I go to daily:
weather.com
people.com
flickr.com
cnn.com

Four favorite foods:
BAGELS (especially everything bagels)
The cold sesame noodles at a little restaurant in Cambridge, MA called Cafe China
Cap'n Crunch (but I never let myself have it)
Chocolate (I don't trust people who don't like chocolate)

Four places I would rather be right now:
Some place warm
Some place warm
Some place warm
No where

Posted by torrie at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Last night we got our dinner from an Italian restaurant. Mmmmmm thin crust pizza.
They sent us some rolls.

This was one of the rolls:

The husband was freaking out. AND he refused to eat it it because it looked like Mookie.

See the resemblance?

Posted by torrie at 11:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (16)

A few months back I couldn't take it any more. Every time I walked into my kitchen I would get angry and start to twitch.
I needed to do something about the hideous linoleum floor.

I dragged the husband to Home Depot, which was an interesting experience to say the least.

$30 and one afternoon later, we had this:

Not bad, eh?

Andrew Dan-Jumbo, watch out!

Posted by torrie at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

My mother was raised STRICT catholic. She was born left handed and forced to use her right hand. Left handed children are apparently possessed by the devil. Her life was saturated with guilt.
At the age of sixteen my mother had finally had enough. When a particularly cruel nun tried to cut off her long flaxen hair, my mother grabbed the scissors out of the nun's hand and turned them on her. She threatened the nun with bodily harm if she ever tried to touch her again.
My mother was raised in Manhattan. As a child and a teenager she would watch the wonderfully dressed Jewish ladies go to lunch. She wanted to be like them.
At the age of sixteen my mother moved out of the house and left her childhood and Catholicism behind.

My father was born into a Sicilian Catholic family. Much to the dismay of the rest of the family, his mother was not very observant. My father decided at a young age that religion was not for him and has spent all of his years wavering between atheist and agnostic.
When my father was in his twenties his mother married a Jewish man. She was the most "Jewish" Sicilian grandmother I've ever met. Eggplant parmesean and matzoh ball soup.

When my mother met my father she was still carrying around this fantasy of being Jewish. My mother had not only had a horrible experience with Catholicism, but she had also grown up VERY poor. Even as an adult she had an unrealistic idea of what it was like to be Jewish; money, nice clothes, and ladies lunching.
My father laughed at her and brushed off the idea.

When I was about two and a half my parents separated. Shortly there after my mother met a nice Jewish lawyer. When I was four we moved into his three bedroom apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan. For the first time in my mother's life she didn't really have to worry about money. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't a kept woman. She still worked her ass off, but she didn't have to worry about whether or not we would have a roof over our heads.

My mother was finally surrounded by "the Jewish lifestyle", and she loved it.
She decided she was going to convert. She took classes at the local temple. She joined the sisterhood and the choir. We had bagels every Sunday.
I actually remember as a child, being a little jealous of this temple where my mother spent so much of her time.

When I was seven my mother officially converted to Judaism. I remember standing in the bathroom of the temple the night of her conversion ceremony watching her cry. I'd never seen my mother cry before.

When I was eight my mother married the Jewish lawyer and enrolled me in Hebrew school.

Soon my mother became a Hebrew school teacher. The temple was a HUGE part of our lives.

I never really liked Hebrew school very much, except for music class and arts and crafts.

Shortly before my thirteenth birthday, when talk of my Bat Mitzvah was in high gear, I realized something.

I didn't believe in Judaism. I had only ever really been exposed to one religion and I didn't believe in it.
I didn't want to commit myself to something I didn't believe in.

I told my mother. She committed one of the bravest acts of parenting I've ever seen. She didn't force me to have a Bat Mitzvah. I guess she knew what it was like to be forced to participate in something you don't believe in, and she didn't want me to suffer the same way she had.

To this day I don't believe in organized religion.

I think it was invented by people a long time ago as a form of government, and fear, and because people hate the thought of being alone in this universe.

I think religion is archaic. It does not evolve at the same rate as everything else.

Religion gives people a sense of community and it fills a void, which I understand, but my friends are my community and if I had a void I would fill it with something else (charity work, for example).


I don't like the guilt that most religions are based on. I don't like the love everyone, unless of course, they don't believe in our god, then screw 'em.

I think Jesus was a great man. Someone to admire and look up to. BUT, I don't think he's coming back. Oh, and he was Jewish.

I am a good person. During our wedding vows my husband said "you are the most morally sound person I know".
I don't think I'm going to go to hell (if it even exists) because I don't say some words (prayers) written by humans hundreds or thousands of years ago.

So many wars have been fought because of religion. Something that was supposed to bring people together more often tears people apart.

I have my own religion. It's about balance, and being a good person, and trying to make the world a better place, and respect for the earth, and all creatures lives are precious.

These are just MY opinions. Love them or hate them.

Posted by torrie at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (20)

Please help my friend SJ.
She doesn't have a lot of funds, and even though this is her second baby she has never had a baby shower.

Posted by torrie at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by torrie at 03:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I've been trying to get in shape lately. It's very important that I'm in shape if/when I'm pregnant because of my joint condition. It's not easy. Getting myself to the gym is a challenge. My back is constantly a problem, but I realize exercising will make it better. It's a vicious cycle of I'm too tired/in pain to go to the gym, but I'm tired/in pain because I don't go to the gym.
When I finally get to the gym I have to deal with the crowds, people grunting, and machines covered in sweat.
But, I'm doing it. I'm going to the gym, doing crunches and stretches at home, and yesterday I walked five miles around the city.
One of the things that really helps motivate me is my awesome workout mix. I thought I'd share it with you.

Politik- Cold Play
Hey Mama- Black Eyed Peas
The Real Slim Shady- Eminem
Get Out The Map- Indigo Girls
This Love- Maroon 5
Hey Ya!- Outkast
Lets Get Retarded- Black Eyed Peas
26 or 6 to 4- Chicago
Groove is in the Heart- Deee-Lite
Without Me-Eminem
Jump Around- House of Pain
Been Caught Stealing- Jane's Addiction
Gold Digger- Kayne West with Jaime Foxx
Mama Said Knock You Out- Ll Cool J
The impression That I Get- The Might Mighty Bosstones
Everybody Got Their Something- Nikka Costa
Blister In The Sun- Violent Femmes
Let Go- Frou Frou

Do you have any songs that put you in an ass-kicking mood?

Posted by torrie at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I bet Britney has purchased a case.

Posted by torrie at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I went to my mom's house today to hang out and help her bake cookies.
While there, covered in cookie batter she asked "do I smell?"
"Uh, no."
"Is smelling one of the side affects of diabetes?"
"Not that I know of. I'll have to ask the husband."
"Because the other night I woke up at 4AM dripping with sweat.."
"Yeah..."
"and I went into the bathroom and I smelled something really funky."
"Yeah..."
"and then I realized it was me."
"Really? You never smell bad.'
"Torrie, it was BAD. I smelled like a sick whore."
"Did you just say you smelled like a sick whore?"
"Yes. I'm trying to convey to you how BAD it was."
"Um, yeah, I think I get it."

Posted by torrie at 11:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I went to a dinner party on Long Island last night, I'm supposed to go see a documentary at the Moma tonight, I have TWO holiday parties to attend tomorrow night, and then I have to be up bright and early on Sunday because Dexter is taking his therapy dog test.

Oy vey!

*I amb sick. I haveb a ton of fluid in mby head. I'mb not going anywhere tonight.
I want my mbommby.

Posted by torrie at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I am so surprised.

Hey,what's that smell?

Sarcasm.

Posted by torrie at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

As most of you know, I'm a big nerd.
I like to do crossword puzzles, watch documentaries on the Discovery channel, and I've played Scrabble MANY more times than I've been drunk.
So, I'm sure it is no surprise to you that I watch Jeopardy. RELIGIOUSLY.
When Ken Jennings was on the show it was some of the most riveting television I've ever seen.
I love Jeopardy, but it has to be good 'ol REGULAR Jeopardy. I can deal with the Tournament of Champions (I cannot believe that guy beat Ken Jennings),but it has to be the adult version.
Lately, however, Jeopardy has been trying out some new formats to entice a different audience.
Apparently, me and a bunch of old people covered in Vicks are not enough to make the ratings soar.
In the past couple of months there's been Celebrity Jeopardy, College Jeopardy, High School Jeopardy,and Kid's Jeopardy.
What's next? Fetus Jeopardy?

"You were this before you became an embryo"

"What is a zygote?"

"Correct!"

Well, maybe Fetus Jeopardy wouldn't be so bad.
At least I'd have a shot at getting all of the questions right.

Posted by torrie at 12:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Last night, I stuck my finger in the husband's nose and then tried to stick the same finger in his mouth, while yelling "EAT IT!" at him.
I torture him like this all the time. It's especially fun to do while he's driving and can't fight back.
Finger in the nose, finger in the ear, pinch the nipple. He even made it part of our wedding vows.

When my father, who is twice divorced and bitter, stayed with us recently he said to me one morning "I heard you guys laughing and having a good time last night"
"I'm sorry, were we being too loud?"
"No, no, it was just nice to hear how much fun you two have together"

He had a good point. The husband and I do have a great time together, but we often wonder what people would think if they knew what we were laughing at.
For lack of a better term, we are silly.
We have contests to see who can make the ugliest face, and then argue over who won, we giggle when someone mentions Dr. Bone, and orthopedist, and we instantly turn into Beavis and Butthead when we hear the words, boob, poop, or rectal.
Hee hee. RECTAL.

I'm often afraid that the Grown Up Police will come to my door and arrest me for impersonating a grown up.

My husband and I have a lot of stress and responsibilities in our lives, so is it really such a bad thing that we spend our down time having nostril flaring contests?

I think too many people rush to be "adults" and they leave their childhoods in the dust. Sometimes, they are so busy being adults, they forget how to relate to children, or how to have fun.

I know a couple who has an almost thirteen year old daughter who is having some behavioral problems. They think that when she turns 15, things will change and she will get better. Don't ask me why they've chosen 15 as the magic age, but it's like they don't remember what being 15 is like. NOTHING gets better at 15. They're so busy playing adult, they've forgotten what it's like to be a kid, much less a teenager.

I think there is a balance between being a responsible adult and still having fun.
I think my husband and I have achieved that balance.

I take care of sick relatives, pay the bills, take the animals to the vet, and run the household, but I also, sit on the floor and play with my dog, watch cartoons, drink hot chocolate, like to color with crayons, love Disney movies, and when I feel sick, I want my mommy.

In some ways I think our "immaturity" will make us better parents because we will be able to relate to, and understand, our children.

I have the rest of my life to be an adult, I'm going to cling to my childhood for as long as I can.

Are you with me?

Posted by torrie at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (23)

Make yourself comfortable.

See my old blog here:
www.iprettymuchhateeverything.blogspot.com

Posted by torrie at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)