Posted by torrie at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

I've been in a really shitty mood lately.

Like, REALLY shitty.

Like, stereotypical, fire breathing, crazy, PMS'ing shitty.

I woke up this morning with the intention of being in a better mood.
My plan was working. My kid was being cute. We split a pear and she made yummy (nom nom nom) sounds every time she put a piece in her mouth.

We took Dexter on a nice long walk. Willa pointed at all of the flowers and dogs she saw.
The weather was beautiful

Then, we were a half a block from our building when a man came up behind us and said "Can you let me by? You're taking up the whole side walk!"

?????

There I am struggling to wrangle a dog and a stroller, and it's trash day, so half the sidewalk is covered in garbage bags, and we were about 50 feet from an area where he could have gotten around us, and he thought that the appropriate response was to be rude to me?

So, I yelled at him "Have you ever heard the phrase excuse me?"

To which he replied "Have you? (What the fuck does that even mean? Good comeback douche.)

To which I replied "What, am I supposed to be psychic? How was I supposed to know you were behind me? ASSHOLE."

Then I walked into my building and the skin on all of the people in the lobby melted right off.

So, now I'm in a bad mood. AGAIN.

And I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do in a situation like that when my daughter is with me.

I don't want her to start yelling "ASSHOLE" at people, but I also don't want her to think it's ok for people to treat her with disrespect.

It's a fine line.

Posted by torrie at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Here is a video of Dexter meeting Willa for the first time.
I had a hard time focusing the camera and giving my attention to Dexter and Willa, so I apologize for how wobbly the video is.

Posted by torrie at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Me: Ah! Mookie is putting his anus on me!
Husband: Fight through it. Walk it off.

Posted by torrie at 10:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Posted by torrie at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Posted by torrie at 09:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (25)

We watched this awesome documentary about animals from conception through birth last night.
Three different animals were featured- an elephant, a dolphin, and a Golden Retriever.
We were watching the segment about the Golden Retriever when they showed the male dog basically performing oral sex on the female dog before he mounted her.
I immediately paused the TV and turned to my husband-
"See! More proof that Golden Retrievers are the best breed- Foreplay!"
The husband just blinked at me in disbelief.

This was not the first time I had seen a male Golden Retriever being sexually generous.

Posted by torrie at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Remember this?

Well, there were many phone calls back and forth between me and the gym. They couldn't find a class for me, so they decided to give me PRIVATE LESSONS for the same price I had paid for the group lessons.
I can not even tell you how awesome this is. I had my first lesson today and it was so great to have the instructor watching my every move, making sure my form was perfect.

It's about time something actually worked out for me.

On another note- I have been really spoiled by the unseasonably warm weather. Tomorrow the wind chill will be in the teens. I am going to spend my evening trying to teach Dexter to use the litter box, so I don't have to leave my apartment until it is warm again. Wish me luck.

Posted by torrie at 09:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Highlights of my vacation:

-Relaxing
-A FANTASTIC massage followed by a dip in a mineral bath
-Brie and Pear soup
-Getting pooped on by a baby hairless rat
-Watching the mommy hairless rat pee all over my husband
-Having the massage therapist tell me I was very muscular. Who, me?
-Going on a two hour hike up a mountain to the top of a tower where on a clear day you can see six states
-Going on a ten mile bike ride (something I thought I'd never be able to do)
-Having afternoon tea and cookies while sitting on a porch, in a rocking chair, overlooking a lake
-Seeing TWO baby bears
-Playing with an opossum
-Role reversal- the husband was trying to have sex with me while the Mets game was on- I said "Can you just wait until this inning is over?"
-Getting licked by a deer
-Watching Itsy try to have sex with a catnip cigar
-Snuggling in bed with Dexter and my husband
-Organic banana buttermilk pancakes
-Finding the perfect brown, non-leather purse- for 7 dollars!
-Listening to Dane Cook in the car
-Standing in an Alpaca pen
-Sitting in a book store with my mom and my husband, reading magazines, and sipping tea
-Holding a pygmy hedgehog
-NATURE

Pictures coming soon.

Posted by torrie at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Of all of the wonderful memories I'll have of my thirtieth birthday, perhaps my favorite was when Dexter, who we have had for six years and who hasn't peed in the house since two days after we adopted him, decided to squat and pee on our carpet in front of our twenty birthday party guests.

Posted by torrie at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Today is my last day in my twenties.

In my twenties I have:

- Met, fell in love with, and married my husband.
- Graduated from culinary school, worked my way up to executive pastry chef, and won a gold medal at a culinary competition
- Had three surgeries, including a career ending shoulder surgery.
- Adopted Dexter, Mookie, and Itsy.
- Lost my beloved Grandmother.
- Had two of my photographs published in The New York Times.
- Made many great friends.
- Left my comfort zone and moved to a new city.
- Been pregnant twice and lost both pregnancies.
- Found out my father has terminal cancer.
- Started eating better.
- Gained 27 pounds.
- Lost 8 of those pounds.
- Discovered and fell in love with the internet.
- Read too many books to count.
- Had LOTS of sex.
- Learned a lot about myself.
- Stopped letting people walk all over me.
- Became a brunette.
- Almost come to terms with my nose.
- Learned a lot about myself.

It's funny; I use to think I needed to accomplish everything by the time I turned 30. Now that 30 is here, in some ways, I feel like my life is just beginning.

I'm excited to see what's in store for my thirties.

Posted by torrie at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (21)

... to my sweet little boy. He turns six today!
They grow up fast.

For more pictures of Dexter click here.

Posted by torrie at 03:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Posted by torrie at 12:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

1) Bagels are my favorite food.
2) I am a carbohydrate junkie
3) My husband is two years younger than me. Before I met him I had only dated older men (boys).
4) I am a strict vegetarian. It's like a religion to me.
5) I hate organized religion.
6) I've never thrown up from drinking.
7) I hated high school.
8) I don't wear bras.
9) My favorite books are To Kill a Mocking Bird and The Catcher in the Rye. I've read both of them several times.
10) I love to read.
11) I went to culinary school.
12) I used to be a pastry chef.
13) I've also been a nanny.
14) I can sing, or so I've been told.
15) I love to dance. I've got rythm.
16) In high school I majored in dance, but had to stop because of an injury.
17) The only bone I've ever broken is my pinkie. (Knock on wood)
18) My father offered to pay for me to get a nose job. I refused just to spite him, and now sometimes I regret it.
19) I've never stayed over night in a hospital.
20) I predicted the big earth quake that hit California in the late 80's.
21) I have watched the movie Dirty Dancing too many times to count.
22) I had my first boyfriend when I was nine, but didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen.
23) I've been pregnant twice, but I don't have any children.
24) I have three cats and one dog.
25) I will not pee in front of anyone. Not even my mother.
26) I grew up in Manhattan.
27) I went to sleep away camp in the Poconos.
28) I love when it rains. I especially love thunderstorms.
29) I have a mild case of OCD. Paintings can't be crooked, things have to be eaten in a certain way, etc.
30) I was in a pageant when I was 12. I won.
31) I am a pack rat.
32) I bruise easily.
33) I have straight pubic hair. The hair on my head is wavy. This makes no sense.
34) I like to write to do lists so I can cross things off.
35) I HATE onions. They are evil.
36) I have a BAD back.
37) I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
38) I have been blogging since August, 2003.
39) I have 42 pairs of shoes. None of them are leather.
40) I am broke.
41) I hate doing the dishes.
42) David Copperfield made me disappear.
43) Jon Bon Jovi laughed at me.
44) I've had sex with two different people in one day.
45) I have a tattoo.
46) My husband has a tongue ring. I *love* it.
47) I was a camp counselor.
48) I once told Scott Hamilton to "Get out on the ice and do a couple of back flips!"
49) Two of my photos were published in the New York Times.
50) I love to learn.
51) I am allergic to cats and dogs.
52) I HATE the cold.
53) I used to be a gymnast
54) I can't watch other people fold clothes because THEY DO IT WRONG.
55) I lived in Boston for five years. It wasn't New York.
56) I have fifty billion medical problems.
57) I like to exaggerate.
58) If you tickle me I will black out and hurt you. I'm dead serious.
59) My wedding was vegetarian. The food was so good, half of the guests didn't even realize it.
60) I had the best wedding EVER.
61) Some of my favorite movies are American Beauty, Garden State, 40 Year Old Virgin, Office Space, Coming to America, and Forrest Gump. I'm sure I'm forgetting a bunch more.
62) Some of my favorite bands/artists are Coldplay, Cake, Indigo Girls, The Beatles, Eminem, Sublime, Billy Joel, Fiona Apple, Miles Davis, Paul Simon, and Radiohead. I am not ashamed.
63) Billy Joel once told me he was too drunk to remember me interrupting his meal.
64) I was flat chested until I was about 19. Now I'm a 36C.
65) I HATE coffee.
66) I LOVE tea.
67) I hate underwear. I wear them reluctantly and am constantly digging them out of my cavernous ass.
68) I hate whistling. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
69) My father-in-law whistles ALL THE TIME.
70) I have seven nephews and three nieces.
71) I think I'm the only person on the planet who hates the TV show Law and Order.
72) I moved out of the house when I was 19.
73) If I could wish for one secret power it would be to never have to shave my legs again.
74) I am allergic to artichokes.
75) I've never been anywhere in the middle of the country. The closest I've been to the middle is Ohio or Utah.
76) I'm a good driver. I drive like a man.
78) I desperately want to go to England. I don't know why.
79) I used to have waist length blonde hair.
80) I don't chew gum.
81) I don't drink soda.
82) I don't like sex toys. That's how I roll.
83) Sometimes I like to talk like I'm from the hood. WORD.
84) Thanks to blogging, I have friends that live in states and countries I've never been to.
85) My favorite color is blue.
86) I have two half sisters and a half brother.
87) I can't say the word *fart*. It makes me cringe. The fact that I was even able to type it is a miracle.
88) I've had many crushes, but I've only been in love once.
89) I am not good at styling my hair, or anyone else's hair for that matter.
90) I wear SPF on my face every day, even in the winter.
91) I haven't "tanned" since I was 18. I look pale, but I actually have my dad's Sicilain skin and I can get quite dark.
92) Chocolate is my drug of choice.
93) I love book stores. I could spend all day in a book store.
94) I didn't learn how to tie my shoe laces until I was six, and I couldn't ride a bike without training wheels until I was almost ten.
95) I watch entirely too much television.
96) My husband is a genius. Literally. It's like living with a human encyclopedia and dictionary all rolled into one.
97) I got braces my senior year in high school. It sucked.
98) I can't eat spicy food. This is very difficult considering I'm a vegetarian.
99) I try to avoid the topic of politics because I just get upset and frustrated.
100) Writing this list was not easy.

Did you learn anything new about me?

Posted by torrie at 12:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (32)

I'm leaving for my trip today. We're spending two nights at my Mom's house in the Poconos, four nights in Montreal, two nights in New Hampshire, and one night in Boston.
I don't know if I'll have internet access after Monday. If not, I will be walking the streets of Montreal, twitching.
If you've emailed me and I haven't gotten back to you, I apologize- I have 30 emails sitting in my inbox- I've been feeling overwhelmed, and they're going to have to wait until I get back.

Please enjoy this picture of Mookie in my absence and talk amongst yourselves.

Posted by torrie at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Posted by torrie at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

So, I was taking Dexter for his morning walk. Dexter likes to carry a toy when we go for a walk:

I must also preface this story by saying that Dexter LOVES children and babies.
I'm not sure where his obsession with little ones came from, but maybe it's because they taste good:

Mmmmmmmm, TASTY!

Tastes like chicken!

Anyway, back to the story-

Dexter and I were crossing the street. On the sidewalk we were approaching, there were several people, including a couple with a todder in a stroller.
As we stepped up onto the curb the father jumped in front of the stroller and started yelling "NO, no, no!"
I said "It's OK, he won't hurt her."
To which he responded "No, no, no!"
"He's a therapy dog" I said, getting frustrated (I was in NO MOOD for ridiculous people).
And then he delivered a line that I will never forget:

"KEEP IT AWAY FROM MY HUMAN"

Blink. Blink.

Did he just say "Keep it away from my human"?
All of the people standing on the curb had their mouths hanging open in disbelief. A few chuckled.

Keep in mind that during this entire incident Dexter was wagging his tail and holding his stuffed animal in his mouth, unaware of his power to strike terror.
I'd also like to point out that his wife was with him, but she never said a word. She just stood there with this look on her face like "If I say anything he's going to beat me again".

After my initial shock wore off, I said "I feel really sorry for your daughter because when she's an adult she won't be able to walk down the street because of her fear of dogs"
He gave me an eloquent rebuttal of "That's fine".

Um, actually, no it's not FINE.

So, I said to him, "It's really unfortunate that you're putting your own fears on your child" and then I turned and crossed the street.

This happened on Friday. I've spent all weekend analyzing it.

Why did he say "MY HUMAN"? Why didn't he say "my child", or "my daughter", or "my little girl"?

Who refers to their child as "MY HUMAN"?

The first questions everyone who I tell this story to asks me is "Was he foreign? Did he not have a command of the English language?"

He spoke perfect English.

* Side note: Have modern day humans lost all of their instincts?
I'm asking this question because things like this happen all the time. Dexter will be skipping along with a giant rainbow colored stuffed octopus in his mouth and some people will still be terrified. I have no tolerance for people who have one bad experience with a dog and then, subsequently, are terrified of ALL DOGS. I've gotten screwed by tons of people and yet I'm not scared of ALL PEOPLE.
I truly believe that if I had grown up in the middle of the jungle and never seen a dog before, that when I saw Dexter, walking down the street, tail wagging, with a stuffed animal in his mouth, I would be able to read his body language and realize that he meant me no harm. This would be especially true if another person ASSURED me that he was docile.

Tracy came up with the only explanation that makes any sense:

The man and his wife were aliens who couldn't conceive a baby, so they came to earth and stole a human baby. They had never seen a dog before, so when they saw Dexter they freaked out and thought that this vicious monster might eat their precious human baby.

Yes.

Vicious.

Evil monster.

It all makes sense now.

Posted by torrie at 10:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (24)

Is it so wrong that when I was leaving to take Dexter for his walk this morning, I picked the plastic bag I would use to pick up his poop based on which one matched my outfit the best?

Posted by torrie at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

My cat Annie, who lives in our bedroom, took a shit so heinous last night that it WOKE ME UP.

There's nothing quite like scooping kitty litter at 4 AM.

Posted by torrie at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Long story short:

Mookie is very sick. He has a blocked urethra. The doctor told me if I hadn't brought him in to the hospital today he would have DIED.
It's been a horrible day.
Hopefully, Mookie will be able to come home tomorrow.
I would have sold my organs to get him the treatment he needs, but apparently all they needed was $1,800.
All I really care about is that he's going to be OK; I'll find a way to make some money.
(Time to get out my fishnets and high heels!)

Please send some good vibes his way

*UPDATE- Mookie is not coming home today (Tuesday). I got no sleep last night because Itsy walked around the apartment SCREAMING for Mookie ALL NIGHT LONG. I'm sure there will be a repeat performance tonight.

Oh, and I got my period, which probably doesn't sound that interesting, but I thought I had already gotten my period two weeks ago, so now I'm really confused and I have no idea what's going on with my body.

Posted by torrie at 05:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Posted by torrie at 05:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Mookie is sick AGAIN. As I'm sure I've stated before, we have tried everything; different foods, different kitty litters, different medications, etc.
I watched him sit in the litter box this morning for twenty minutes, straining to get some pee out. Then he walked around the apartment screaming in pain.He then sat in the bathtub for another twenty minutes straining. I gave him some powerful pain medicine which knocks him out. I hate having to drug him all of the time.
Now I'm just counting the minutes until he starts peeing blood.
Since we've tried all of the treatments and nothing works, the next step is surgery.
Besides the fact that surgery scares the shit out of me, in an effort to cut back on expenses to save for a baby, we let all of the animals' health insurance lapse. I'm sure the surgery will cost us at least $1000.
$1000 is a HUGE amount of money for us. We just invested a large sum of money in my new web site, and it will probably be quite a while (if at all) before we make any money back from it.

I'M SO STRESSED OUT.

Has anyone had a similar problem with their cat?
Has anyone heard of this surgery (I think they shorten the urethra)?

Posted by torrie at 01:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Due to recent events, I have been pretty behind on laundry.
The hamper in the bathroom was overflowing, so we started to pile our dirty clothes on the floor.

A few mornings ago the husband woke up, and like he does every morning, he went to scoop the kitty litter.
You will never guess what he found in the litter box.
At first he thought one of the cats had taken a huge shit, but when he scooped out the black object he realized it was A PAIR OF MY UNDERWEAR.

Yep. That's right. My underwear were in the litter box. One of the cats had BURIED my underwear.

Now, I know everyone thinks their animals are the craziest, but seriously-
CATS WHO BURY UNDERWEAR?

Between the three of them, they also, chew on plastic bags, attack their own tails, play with the electrical socket, hump the dog's toys, and sleep right on top of the boiling hot heater (I keep waiting for one of them to burst into flames).

I win.

Posted by torrie at 02:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I will now do what I do best- complain.

I spent ALL DAY in a hospital on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday because someone close to me had major surgery.
They're doing fine physically, but not so great mentally.
It has been VERY emotionally draining.
I came home yesterday for 10 ten minutes (I live across the street from the hospital) to walk Dexter only to discover that Mookie is sick (AGAIN).
So I had to call the vet in addition to the five thousand other phone calls I made and received over the past few days, because I seem to be the family liaison.
I did not eat dinner until 10pm last night.
I was so infuriated with my mother-in-law(what else is new?) yesterday that when she called the hospital room I tore her a new one and then hung up when she was in mid sentence.
She deserved it.
I have not been feeling well lately (surprise, surprise). I have been very dizzy. I was hoping that it was because I was pregnant, but no such luck, I got my period again.
My husband works A LOT, so he's not always around when I need a hug.
The vet bill today was over $200. AND that was the REDUCED rate.
The boots I bought on Ebay, my FIRST Ebay purchase, are a totally different color that the picture, AND they are too small.
I slept in the guest room so I could be with Mookie last night. He spent the whole night curled up next to me which is cute, but I didn't want to disturb him so I couldn't move my legs all night and now my knee is killing me.
That was a long sentence.
I just got so dizzy I almost passed out on my keyboard.
The husband just called me to remind me that we're supposed to go to a party tonight.
I have NO desire to go.
I have a migrane.
I had one yesterday too.
I have gotten nothing accomplished today.

*END RANT*

Update: I just noticed that one of the Google ads says "fishy vaginal odor?"
AWESOME.

Posted by torrie at 04:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's official! Dexter passed his test with flying colors and is now a certified therapy dog.

Posted by torrie at 12:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)